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I have done enough. I am very tired of going through the same emotions and falling into the same predictable behavior. I break down on good skin days. I look in the wrong mirror and suddenly I feel like going home and taking a nap. Sometimes I wish I don't wake up from the nap (This is not a suicide post so just calm down). I don't have much of a social life because I go home and sleep. School is the only part of my day where I interact with other people, and I am not a very social person to begin with. I am pretty sure this is what depression is.

I can't have a beer and just forget about my problems because alcohol and cigarettes are not good for my skin! I have to eat a healthy diet and workout everyday so I can have at least one part of my body that is acceptable. My destiny is a male butterface, and I am okay with that.

Other times I think I am too hard on myself. I, like everyone else on this planet, fall into the trap of comparing myself with others. I wonder how I have allowed a skin condition to deprive me of a normal life. As insane as this sounds, I have convinced myself that I am unworthy to be seen in public. That is not a conclusion that a healthy, well-adjusted human being would arrive at. I'm already working on a magnificent lie to explain to my speech teacher why I can't speak in front of people. I will bribe or sleep with her. Doesn't matter at this point. I am mentally unable to do it right now.

It is beginning to look like I am going to be miserable for the rest of my life. I am not strong enough to defeat this feeling. If they come up with a cure for acne and acne scars then I will be able to overcome. It doesn't matter if someone tells me I look fine. I can't break this feeling of inadequacy.

And now that I'm back to working out everyday and drinking NOTHING but gallons of water, my skin is breaking out. Of course it is. Acne isn't supposed to make sense. Fuck my parents genes.

Edited by Heir

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You pretty much told yourself what you suffer from. Depression with a side of acne.

A ton of people suffer from it and that's how it's been for many years. I bet you that acne was not the start of these feelings. I'm clear of my acne and I still manage to find something that I dislike and I fall into these traps of depression. There will come a time in which you will discover that the world doesn't matter. What people think or do, doesn't effect you. I could sit here all night and tell you that it gets better and tell you a ton of positive things to make you feel better, but in all honesty, it doesn't.

Talk with a doctor and if they are smart they will totally agree with you that you suffer from depression. It's all mind games. If you walk into a room full of people what is the first thing that comes to your mind? "OMG, EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT ME AND JUDGING ME!!!!" The truth in this is HELL NO, they don't give a rats ass about you, about your face nor do they care about your presence. As you get older, you will understand this lesson. Personally I've had to grow up very fast and just deal. Take one day at a time and that's all you can do.

Acne will heal and so will scars, but if you can't beat acne mentally then you will never win the battle with your acne. You're letting it win the battle over your self conscience and self esteem. All it takes is a switch to flip in your head and this will all make perfect sense. Look at yourself in the mirror and have an honest talk. You have acne, big deal, the world will still be spinning tomorrow and the day after. People will still judge. The true victory is how you manage to deal with it all. Learn and grow man.

Sorry to vent on you about this, but I'm a little tired of people and the way they cry about something like this.

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Hi, Heir. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so low. You're doing the right things by taking care of your health and by going to school, but you can't manage depression on your own, especially when it's chronic, as I suspect it is your case. Do you have a family member you can talk to? When you're isolated with your own thoughts (I'm a butterface, unworthy to be seen....) your thinking stagnates, and your mind becomes a loop of sad thoughts. If you don't feel anyone can understand what you're going through, use this forum to vent or share. Don't worry about what people say about whining, etc. This is the place for it, and we're the ones who will understand or try to. Keep up the exercise and the communication!

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