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Joshua

sometimes...i think im going to kill myself

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you know. i've never been completely mentally all "good and right" in the head. i was horribly obsessive compulsive and as we speak im still dealing with that, but thats going good, and the same goes for being depressed and being a hypochondriac.

the thing is. im really starting to get use to this whole idea that ill never get married or be with anyone, if my acne persists that is. and i know that my acne is worse looking to me than anyone else, oh but i know everyone can tell i have it. people aren't dumb. no one is fooling me into believing people dont care or notice, because they do. people are shallow and disgusting, myself included. the thing that REALLY gets me down is when i cause myself more harm than good by going on a picking / popping spree. i have diagnosed myself with body dysmorphia or excised acne(???), i forget the actual word for the second one, but its close to that. i just cant stop myself from digging open and picking every spot. and i end up 10x worse than when i started.

but i digress--as i said i can deal with whiteheads, pustules, etc. and being alone my entire fucking life. what i am scared of is acne that hurts taking over my face and not being able to move my facial muscles. you know the kind of acne i mean? im not sure if i have small cysts(about the size of a pea or larger--before i try to pop them heh). and it feels like a small ball under my skin and i always think its RIGHT THERE and ill be able to pop it. but i dont. and it just gets inflammed and red. and they hurt when i touch them. they last for about a week id say. the thing that confuses me is, i can remember sometimes them reaching a head and popping and other times they just flatten out and the pain subsides from them.

im scared that these will take over my face and i wont be able to even enjoy activities i enjoy now.

i cant classify my acne to you. i take pictures and it usually makes it seem too bad or too good than what it actually is. and i have such a skewed sense of my own self that i cant even judge. but i would say moderate. not yet severe as long as i dont get these pimples that i described.

anyhow ive been thinking. part of me wants to just. let it go. and live my life like i dont care because i only get one shot at this life thing, you know? but then theres a part of me, and i believe its my OCD side, thats telling me im never gonna get married, have kids, do the things i want because of fucking acne. what kind of aggitates me is. i could probobly demand accutane from a derm and possibly rid myself of acne, but knowing my luck in life. id end up with some fucked up side effects and then id be telling myself that i deserve it for being so superficial.

honestly now... id love to find a girl friend who has acne comparable to mine and is on the same wavelength as me. i cant be with any clear skinned girl. im way to insecure and fucked up for that. i cant control my thought process, thats just how im thinking.

and also--the reason for this title of my post is because ill be so sad that i want to kill mysself sometimes, and other times i just laugh at how bullshit life really is.

i know i dont deserve this. im a good human being. i help people. im nice. i dont do drugs. i dont drink alchohol at all. i dont steal. i dont kill. i dont do anything wrong. and what did god/life/fate/whatever give me? a steaming pile of horseshit life. not just acne. but everything else that i have had to struggle through. and now acne. i hate it. im sick of it.

thank you *bows*

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Josh...this is a good post.

Im glad that you've decided to share this with us. Unlike most of the others on here, you look at both angles. you have wisdom beyond what most of us possess, and while it sounds like your attitudes are always in a flux, your persistence seems to fortify your belief that.....

yes, josh, you do belong here. That yes someday you will find that girl. and that yes "someday" could be tomorrow, so why think about taking everything you've ever had and will ever have and throwing it out the 17th floor window??

Josh, we as acne sufferers need to think the same way you do. you might not think this, but what makes you diff is that you can accept these things because they're the cards youve been dealt. you know that some things you can change, some things you cant. acne you will be able to change, some of us cant change the everlasting effect it has on it.

But because you've accepted these facts already, your ahead of the gang. you've got it more under control than you think.

we have our bad days, our bad months, our bad years. we have our times in life where we dont think anything good will ever become of us. in an instant this can change..when you least expect it. like a snap of the fingers. you already know that you will find someone, because your acne wont persist forever.

Josh, whateva you do man..i commend you. and its us who should be bowing...

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Thanks man. I appreciate the kind words, but i dont want to act or pretend like im better than anyone else just because ive realised some things. it helps that ive always had some sort of physical problems that i need to change--and i think acne is harder for me because it wont just change when i want it to. i lost a lot of weight prior to getting acne, and boy, that was easy compared to the fight against acne--let me tell you. i delt with the abuse because i was fat. and then one day i developed an eating disorder because i simply could not take being ridiculed anymore. i actually lost too much weight too fast and that was also a problem for my physical appearance. im 6 foot and i weighed in at like 130 was my lowest. that is SMALL for my height. so i had to deal with that ridicule as well. now im 170 and still 6 foot. but im having trouble keeping at 160-170 range + the acne problems. i starte dlooking back on my old pics and i cant believe how good i had it. there was a good span ofa year when i had no acne in high school. i wish i would have just stayed that way. i think was exasterbated my acne was the fact that people wouldnt ever make fun of me or anything, but my PARENTS(god damn them!) always said things like "we can call a derm if you want" or "we should get that looked at, we dont want it to cause scarring" and then i did like any 16 year old newbie acne sufferer. i hit up the clearisal pads and stridex pads and other stupid products that made it worse. then i went to a doctor one day, and this was stil lwhen i was content with acne and it wasnt a big deal at all, and the doctor was giving me a physical and he blurts out some dumb shit about my acne and if im on anything for it--and thats when i realized i had "acne acne" if that makes sense to anyone. i still wonder what would have happened had i never went to this doctor. because if stress does cause acne--its def. why i have acne right now..... *sigh* what can you do?

anyhow, i really would like to believe id find a girl... but i dont think its possible. i thought i had the girl of my dreams once, and to make a long story short it turned out she was just using me and was a slut bag whore. but if i had her, i guess its possible to have other girls. i dont know. i just dont see someone liking me for me, because i know how shallow the world is.

man, i have a headache and shit now. bb_eusa_dance.gif

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Guest Zitro

You know, There was a time where nothing positive happened in my life starting from 2003 to August 2004, When I fell I have no hope and everything exacerbates in my life, when I had the guts to ask girls out and got rejected, when I was beginiing to isolate myself from the world, A door has opened...

My point is : don't give up, being negative is living negative. If it gets worse, it's like the pink floyd album "the wall", constructing a mental wall that isolates your life from society: Not a good idea...

If your acne consists in whiteheads, maybe comedome extraction is the best chocie (I had countless of them), after 6-8 visits, I lost more than a half.

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josh, we have been living the same life from what i can tell from your post.

i was the fat kid growing up, and i can remember thinking when i was around 7 or 8 that i would kill myself if i grew up fat ( i was THAT young and thinking that i would kill myself!) . to top it off my mom used to buy clearicil for me and my brother when we were that age to make sure we wouldnt get acne. i was eight and i wasnt even close to getting acne yet my mom (who has a face filled with scares from acne when she was young) got me worried about my face at such a young age. so there i was putting on this cream when i was in elementary school, when my acne didnt even start till i was in high school. but i was still fat, i eventually got an eatting disorder when i was 13 and ate pretty much NOTHING.

i lost the weight in a couple of months and immediately everyone knew somthing was wrong with me. my mom took me to the doctor (she thought i was dieing) and i went for a medical "check up" for what felt like months. they labled me as anorexic, even though i didnt feel i was and it just made my life and self essteem a whole lot worse. so like i said, i lost the weight, but i didnt mind being that skinny at all i got some girls noticing me around eighth grade but i was to shy to make a move. but then came high school along with the battle of acne ( which im still fighting till this day, im turning 20 next month). i starting getting zits all over almost out of noware but i didnt notice it at first maybe a year or two later and then it hit me. i still remember passing by the mirror in my home and just glancing at myself as i walked by and then i literally jumped back to the mirror and got real close and thought to myself "WHAT THE HELL!". i could never see my acne because of my bad vision and i never knew i had acne. i got real close and then saw what everyone else was looking at. i again got a eating disorder and took all sugar and milk and just EVERYTHING out of my diet to stop the acne .

but it keeped on coming. so here i was a greasy acne faced boy who haddent look like hes eaten in weeks, i was depressed beyond belief. but, it got worst. my grades were slipping but not because of how i looked or anything it was because i couldnt see shit in school, i was blind. i was too nervous to talk to anybody about it. eventually my english teacher noticed and told my parents on parents night. so i got glasses the next week. THIS is were i really went down hill. now i really could see what everyone was looking at. i almost killed myself the second i put my glasses on. i couldnt believe what i had become, just when i thought girls were looking at me cause they liked me i finally saw what they were looking at and i then knew nobody was looking at me cause i good lookin. also i didnt want to look like an acne faced dork, so i demanded contacts as a way to see. turns out my eyes dont like contacts very much, so my eyes were always really red. ok now here i was a red eyed greasy acne face kid who hadnt eatten in weeks.

years went by and i tried hard as hell to not pick at my face, and i didnt...but my razor did. it literally took me an hour to shave in the morning but i still couldnt avoid accidentally poping or scapping a zit. so im left with little scares all around my face and two HUGE ones on each cheek. so i have no "good" side.

to make an already long story short i thought of killing myself plenty and many many times, but i always just ended that with cring and looking in the mirror. i am SO happy now that i never did kill myself ( although i did burn myself numerous times, and the scares are still on my arms to remind me everyday of how crazy i am and was) but i managed to get through the hardest part of being a teenager. i still have two cyst on my face now, but i know they will go away soon and i will move on. move on to better things like building relationships with people, something i NEVER did in high school. if you have read my post in my thread youll know what im worry about now, thats right.... girls! so ive got my mind off acne by focusing on something else. hell, im still not an attractive guy but ive put on some weight and try to carry myself like a man. i guess i works, i have the most beautiful girl ive ever seen right next to me every where i go at school.

sorry i made such a long post in your thread josh, but your story of weight and acne and just overall being insane, reminded me of me.

in the end i look back at what i have lived in life and see that i really havent lived yet. ive worred a too damn much about my appearance everything else that i realized now that i have missed a whole lot of shit growning up. dont get me wrong i still cant be in crowed areas or stand in front of certain mirrors or get get too close to people cause i still have that paranoidness to me but im working past that now and am really trying to get that out of me...it slowly hapening. and i realized i will start to live life NOW and just basically not give a FUCK, on what everybody sees me as if they dont know me, and when they do know me they will see what a great person with such a ugly face could be.

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