Dear Clear Skin, Scar Free People,
You will never know how free you are. You will never understand or even notice the sideways glances and sad farway looks you get from others who you would call people with "bad skin".
You will ponder for a fleeting second how a girl could ever let her face be covered with pustules or how a woman would be pretty if her skin didnt have such "poor texture", you will also briefly wonder why that other woman's cheeks are so scarred and mishappen.
In this short moment, you will never understand the anguish, the pain, the desperation with which these "bad skinned" people might have had to bear or what they have sumounted.
Most of you will shrug & say, "it is only acne", "dont be so superficial" or "it will pass". And yet, I listen to you all, or read your beauty columns, or hear you on the street. "My world is ending, i have a blocked pore", "my eyelashes are too short", "my haircut was a disaster, I didnt leave the house for a week"... It is endless. It is so tiring to listen to. I dont know whether I need to to rage or cry first.
It has made me a terrible friend. I cannot listen to my girlfriends anymore. I chafe under their complaints of a non-existant tummy, or invisible "large pores". They dont talk to me much. I hang out with guy friends. Who are too proud to mention their insecurites to me, and I silently thank them.
Th weight of my own misery threatens to drown me. I no longer take comfort in other's whining, I hate them for it. I hate myself.
I went out to dinner tonight. I needed to pee the whole way through my risotto, but I couldnt bring myself to the loo. Because I know intimately how my skin changes with different lighting and therefore different mirrors. Who knew what horrors this one could hold for me? I never stay with my mum much anymore because her bathroom makes me vomit in my mouth. All I see is my disfigured cheeks, a disgusting reminder from when my face, unnanounced erupted into deep cystic acne. When my acne was "bad" as I phrase it, after braving the outside world for a few months, I was eventually sequestered into the safety of home, following taunts, sidelong glances and remarks from strangers and loved ones that ranged from "have you ever heard of clearasil?" "you shoud see someone about your skin" or "wow your face looks bad".
Helpful advice from idiots. I remained in my house for months, only to venture out eventually after going insane from self-imposed isolation to walk my dog around midnight, with a hoodie over my face. During this time I lost friends that to this day I no longer see. You see I cracked. I wasnt brave enough anymore. To smile and say I didnt care. Because I did. And it was horrible.
My acne cleared. Mostly. I was left with scars. scars. What a word. It had no true meaning in my life until now. I will admit my dermatologist felt my scars were not a reflection of how bad my acne was.
This is all I am now. It is what I have allowed myself to be. My scarring. My acne. It has defined me in a way that no other life experience has.
I sometimes think I was put on this earth to learn. To learn about people because I am so unaware.
I can see the bigger picture sometimes. I can. I can see how I now appreciate how trivial my apperance is. How trivial others' insecurities are. I can even see the hypocrisy in my enragment over others perceived flaws, when their are others who would percieve mine as equally frivolous. It is not lost on me, I promise you that.
But no matter this knowlege, its power over my mind set comes and goes. But the banality of my insecurites can overcome me, like a tremendous wave that pushes you over and sucks you down.
Sure, I can blame a superficial society, looks driven, and it is, no question. But it is not the reason for my behavior. Its just an incentive. I have yet to find a way to escape my own ego. My own desire to be that girl. Who wakes up to find shock horror her lipstick looks shit today.
"I needed to pee the whole way through my risotto, but I couldnt bring myself to the loo."
Trollololol sorry that just read so funny in my mind.
Try not to let it consume you, though it may be difficult. All I know is the world is a tough place that will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it (rocky quote much).
All you can do really is try to stay positive and work towards improving your situation, and be grateful for what you do have - which is hard because we live in a society where everyone around us seems to have everything so as soon as we feel we lack something we plunge into depression.
Life is no guarantee. Even if tomorrow you woke up with flawless skin, the next day you could suffer horrible disfiguring burns in a car accident, you see my point? Life is a gamble, you already rolled the dice. Positive mindset will set you free.
Just because someone has clear skin doesn't mean they don't have other problems.
Whether it be a cosmetic issue, or an emotional one...everyone has their own set of problems.
When I was 15-16 I went through this phase where I become freakishly paranoid about every single little thing that could possibly come into contact with my face, I never wanted to go out, I only saw a disfigured person staring back at me in the mirror. Then I made friends with someone that basically forced me out of the house.
I'd have a great time, forget about my looks, and then my mirror image started to seem a lot better. Sometimes we focus so much on our flaws they seem to appear worse than what it really is.
Some people are also assholes, but I seem to attract more negative comments when I'm shy and mousy...and less when I'm smiling and feeling good. People prey on the weak sometimes. I had my first kind of bf when I was 13 and he once told me,"I like you and all, but you really need to get some acne cream"
My best friend I spoke of earlier made a comment once, but I decided to just explain to her my issue...and she never said anything bad about it again. She didn't know anything about acne, which is why she made that comment.
) Thanks for writing this. It helps to know others share these feelings. I LOVED all your replies.
I laughed too about the risotto thing, it was so ridiculous!
Jamesy & Omega you both have the mindset I so desperately wish to have 24/7. Sometimes I just fall in a big heap. Hence the rambling letter. Which I am so impressed anyone read really.
Charlie, thank you for being there with me. It comforts me too, knowing youre out there, that Iam not the only one who thinks like this sometimes.
Thinking about it, I definitely have triggers to my depression. When I am alone I get into my head way too much.
The boyfriend has been in hospital the last few days & I think I was in the midst of the dumps when I wrote this last night...But hes coming home today, so Im off to him! 
Hi Frida K
Gosh I can definitely sympathize with what you're going though. Especially the whole thing about not wanting to go to the bathroom for fear of looking into the mirror especially if the lighting is really bad. I have this constant thing with looking at old pictures of myself where I had good/decent skin where my skin was scar free and only few blemishes. Those are all the thing of the past.
I wish I could give you words of wisdom but I can honestly say that I feel exactly the way you do. I get so envious of other girls/guys who have scar free skin and yet they complain about the most petty things. I get it that other people have worse problems other than their skin but other people problems are not MY problems. What I'm dealing with is what I'm feeling. No one else. There are moments where I try to imagine and live my life with scar/acne free skin and sometimes I feel better doing that but than I come home to look in the mirror and realize that it's all a lie.
No ones ever commented on my scars but I've got plenty of comments when I had bad acne. I actually get a lot of compliments from people that know me saying that my skin is great and what did i do different? yada yada yada Yet i know now that my scars are very noticeable even though people don't comment on them. Like the saying goes, we are our own worst critic. To be honest, I never EVER in a million years noticed anything on anyone such as acne, scars, birthmarks etc on other people until, I, myself started getting it. Especially acne scars... My mom has really bad acne scars but I never really noticed it until I started getting them myself. I hate that I have to examine everyones skin everywhere I go. I guess its a habit now...
All i can say is your post really spoke to me and I'm glad to know that I'm not the only person going through it.
