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cynic

The blurred line between depression and optimism

(Bearing in mind it's 9.15pm here, I'm in the UK)

I'd been looking forward to go out tonight all week - got a new job a couple of weeks ago (working Monday-Thursday), so I'd been planning to use Thursday nights, like this one, as a 'release' at the end of my working week, and plus, the club near me has the best nights on a Thursday, and it's been kinda traditional over the years now that my friends and I would go out most Thursdays.

My acne's been pretty much fluctuating by the day really, depends on the day really. Sometimes it'll be clear(ish), the next morning - breakouts all over the place - and vice versa. Quite bizarre. Plus I've only recently started a course of probiotics to combat the damage done by the tetracycline I'm currently on, which has led to some really noticeable redness in patches from what my derm diagnosed as a yeast overgrowth. Hopefully though, the acidohphilus probiotics will help 'repair' this and return my skin to a more normal tone where it's affected.

Anyway. I digress.

As I said, I've been working all week - which has meant a lot less time lazing about the house and spending untold amounts of time looking at myself in the mirror, which can only be a good thing (though I do seem to miss checking how my face is looking on an hourly basis, for some strange reason.. bb_icon_rolleyes.gif - though am guilty to still spending an extra minute or so in the toilets at work, I have to admit..). Anyway - as I said, I'd been looking fairly clear recently, and this is obviously something I've been pretty happy about - but this week I've had a weird cystic breakout, and I can't figure out why - nothing's changed, my diet - which I've almost completely re-constructed to help my acne - hasn't changed, nothing - same routine that got me clearer - but during the week, two horrible, huge cysts appeared *right* on the 'join' between my bottom lip and where the 'normal' skin begins on my chin - it's an absolutely terrible place to get it - looks like two oversized cold sores, symmetrically placed on either side of my bottom lip. Urgh.

But anyway, as I say, I've tried to ignore it, or had to ignore it - what with work and everything, so went about my day today relatively 'normally', not thinking about my current, ghastly breakout and was still planning and thinking ahead to my night out from my desk at my desk today.

Got home, started to get ready, still didn't think about it. This is a good thing. However, I got out of the shower, and looked in the mirror, for the first time all day, and stared. It was under a horrible, white-ish light, when accentuates everything much more anyway, but I took a moment to look - to look at what is basically a mess of a chin - the rest of my face is surprisingly clearer than this concentrated area around and on my chin and mouth - to look at the tens of red marks from previous breakouts, the bright red skin tone on my chin (and nowhere else on my face), and of course, the current cysts all over the place. And then I realised something, and I broke down. Sounds a pretty lame thing to do perhaps, considering I'm 20/m but I don't care - I'll openly admit I've had a history of depression in my life, even before acne, and it does seem to be creeping back a bit, especially when triggered by mor breakouts. So I started crying, and watched myself cry; watched the tears roll down my face. And thought 'fuck this. There's no way I'm going out'. And sobbed, almost uncontrollably, for about 10 minutes. I called my friends, who were all gathered at their house, waiting for me - and told them I couldn't come, as I seem to be doing more and more, because 'something's come up', an excuse that means I never have to go into too much detail, and left it at that. My friends don't know how much my acne cuts me up, they have absolutely no idea, and were pretty disappointed I couldn't come out, but understanding enough, and even phoned back 10 minutes later "..just to check everything's ok?"

But over the last hour or so, I've been doing some thinking. I have to go out tonight.

No matter how much I despise what I saw when I looked in the mirror earlier, no matter how much I want to stay in and hide from the world, indefinitely, until I see a reflection resembling something I'm more comfortable with - despite all that, I've decided I'm going out. As I said, I have to. I can't bear knowing my friends are all out there tonight, having a great time, and knowing that I should be there, and perhaps more importantly, knowing that these people are my friends, some of my closest friends at that - and they want me there too. Acne's fucked up my youth enough - I've lost count of the number of times I've passed up on nights like this/dates/whatever in years gone by - but it's way too many, I know that much. And I know there will be more nights like that to come, where I do give in and give up, and stay in. But not tonight - just because I have to prove to myself, for once, that I can do it. What's more, I'm going into the club on my own, which is going to be even harder - especially considering I'm not totally sure they've all got there yet and there may be nobody in there I know at all, but I'm still going. Fuck it. Just this once, perhaps - like I said, there's going to be many nights to come where I'm not in such an blindly, stupidly defiant mood as this, and I'll stay in - but not tonight.

I'm not strong enough, not secure enough, about my acne and my face to feel like this every other day - wouldn't that be great, to live in a constant state of thinking 'fuck the world, yeah I have acne, but I'm going out tonight and having a good time' - I know I can't do that. But for one night, if only for one night only, it's got to be a start, at least.

Sorry for the ramble, and I haven't proof-read it - 100% stream-of-consciousness stuff here, y'know - so I don't know if this'll be optimistic/pessimistic/positive/negative, but if it perhaps provoked some kind of understanding or perhaps even somebody else to think the same sometime soon, then that'd be cool too.

I'll have to post up on how my night was too, I guess. smile.gif

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I adored your post.

And sometimes you really do have to force yourself to go out, and not stay home and wallow in your self-pity.. because it really does nothing good for you, at all. I usually end up having a bad time anyways when I go out, because all I can think about is how my face looks... but all anyone can really ever do is try.

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Once i've had a few drinks i forget about my skin and all my hang-ups and just have fun! Alcohol works a treat :-)

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cynic you're a legend mate. I'm sortof in the same boat as you. I look at my face and think, what the fuck, all redmarks everywhere etc. Right now as im typing this im about to go out to the city and get quite trashed. Under this horrible light in my bathroom my skin looks quite shit.

But i seem to be popular amongst my friends. I'd rather go out and have a good night on the piss then stay home and waste the night. Stuff acne and the crap it brings. THe rewards in having a good night are much greater then the crap you deal with at home by yourself worrying about your face!

Life is too short mate, have fun, you only live once.

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I just got fucked up beyond believe last night and I have class this morning. Getting drunk is truely something that is wonderful because it takes away all the pain and even when you look at your face in the mirror you can't see straight so you are like damn you look good lol. I had this chick touch my face last night and if I wasn't drunk I probably would have went nuts, but whatever. I had a good time, but this morning fucking sucks dick.

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That was a really good post cynic, and I think a lot of people can relate to the feeling of having to find an excuse to stay in all evening, even though you're desperate to get out too. Wanted to make me say YEAH!! and march off somewhere smile.gif How was it?!

when you look at your face in the mirror you can't see straight so you are like damn you look good

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I went out, i picked up an awesome chick and spent the night at her house. Acne is a challenge i have learned to overcome.

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Thanks for all the feedback people. smile.gif

OK - here's what happened, if you're interested.

I went out on Thursday night, as I said I would/had to. And yeah, it was hard - getting dressed, etc etc - then looking in the mirror to 'check' just before I went out probably wasn't the best thing to do, and there was really no need for it anyway, considering I'd been looking in the mirror for ages just before I wrote my first post.

So actually getting out of the front door and jumping into the taxi on my way to the club was pretty difficult - just basically bit my lip and gave myself a quick 'pep talk' (in my head, of course..bb_wink.gif ) and basically just went for it.

I wasn't at all confident about walking up to - and going into - the club on my own - particularly, as I said, as there was no guarantee my friends were inside. Luckily though, the club has a fairly long, dark, wooded driveway you need to walk up to get to the entrance, so I was a bit more confident in the dark, for a few seconds.

Once I got in - after initially going through a bit of a 'heads down, looking away' moment, I got to the bar and thought 'fck it' - and ordered myself a couple of shots of Sambuca to loosen up a little. The bar has a bright light right above it, and first I thought I saw a few people glancing over and looking at my acne, but wasn't sure. Anyway, I downed both of those shots, and managed to convince myself to perk up a bit, and walk through the club - this time head-up and confident, to go look for my friends - who I found upstairs. They all were really pleased/surprised to see me, which was nice, but greeted me by all ruffling my hair and - putting their hands on my face bb_icon_rolleyes.gif - which obviously I did my best to avoid.

But yeah - I had a good, if not great, night. I'm usually a really confident (over-confident, some might say bb_icon_mrgreen.gif) person when it comes to self-confidence about my appearance and chances with the girls - and I think I'm a pretty good-looking guy - when my acne's on a 'good' day, anyway. This is something that suffered slightly on Thursday - I had a couple of girls come up and dance with me who were clearly interested, but purely through my insecurities that night about my face, I decided against doing anything about it, which is a bit of a shame. Though they were probably a bit young for me anyway, and I'm also incredibly fussy. wink.gif So that was probably the only downer on what was a good night all-in-all, and I even went out last night as well, and had an even better time.

Like I said, I know I'm not going to be able to think the same about my acne, and let myself go out and have nights out and enjoy myself on other occasions. But this weekend, at least, has been a start. smile.gif

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yay!

these were great posts - and i'm glad you had a good time, even if it wasn't 'great'.

ordered myself a couple of shots of Sambuca to loosen up a little

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great post cynic. I think we all feel the urge to put life on on hold until we can enter it with perfect looking skin. But if you stay inside long enough you have no life to enter perfect skin or otherwise. Good on you for just getting out there and particpating...it takes some balls.

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Guest Captain Chaos

Glad to hear u had a good night out, staying in will only make you miserable and make u have regrets later in life...so keep up the good work smile.gif

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I'm not strong enough, not secure enough, about my acne and my face to feel like this every other day.

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