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Here are another one of my rants...forgive me :/

I had another break down today..all because of a few pin head sized whiteheads. Sad huh?

I should feel so lucky, and appreciative I dont have anything painful an big...but the psychological effect of this is haunting me every day! Yes, its mild, but to me its severe. Severe in terms of everything put together. The bumps, post marks left in its place, low self esteem, and the fear of living in a constant battle forever. I literally feel like I am at a constant battle with my skin everyday! And im sure many of you could agree. You wake up one day almost clear, and say to yourself "maybe im there now..maybe this time ill stay clear."and the day is positive, and you feel HOPEFUL and confident...and then wake up the next day with another bump, and that hopefullness is crushed and your confidence drops. Its sad, my confidence is determined by some tiny whiteheads. Thats just how low my self esteem is. Its crazy to think I use to be SO confident! maybe a little too confident with my appearance. Never delt with skin issues, weight issues, or anything. Then a year ago..BAM! Maybe im being punished? All i know is the anxiety, fear, and constant battle is killing me. I am always crying, always needing to vent to my boyfriend, or mom. Yet I can tell that its making them crazy...Tonight I tried venting to my mom about this again, and it somehow ended in her yelling at me? Then I called my boyfriend crying, again, and after I poured out my heart...it was silent! I dont blame them though, there is only so much you can tell someone. How many times can you tell someone "youll get through this" "its no big deal" "your beautiful no matter what" "this is normal" "dont worry" I think there at a loss for words now...as im at a loss for everything it seems. My life has been put on hold literally because of my self confidence issues and anxiety. I have quit college, quit seeing friends (slowly trying to get back out there) I barely work, I prefer to be in the dark. I do my makeup in the dark, and avoid mirrors as much as I can.

Some days im fine, usually when I know I dont have to face the world. And some days, like today, im worried, and crying, and scared. Tomorrow is Easter, and I have to get up and go see my whole family. Yet because of the few lovely bumps, Im dreading going.

I have done everything that has been reccomended for me. Take spironolactone (been on it for 10 months) Take doxycycline (been a month) take this vitamin, and this vitamin. Use this system, and do this...I am doing it ALL! WHY DO I STILL GET THESE PERSISTENT LITTLE BOOGARS!

I refuse to go on living life like this. But what else do i do? I have done all that is reccomended...

I feel horrible saying this over such tiny things, but because its been so long, its beginning to feel like nothing will ever work. I want to be that happy confident fun girl I use to be. I pray every night for that....how much longer will I have to wait? :(

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I know where you're coming from and many do too. I think that's the best advice for us, to know we're not alone. I went on a five month course of accutane about two months ago. On the course everything was amazing. My skin was awesome and I could finally see who I used to be coming through. Confident, care free. Acne really just wasn't an issue anymore. Now, two months off accutane and the pimples are back. It is exactly the same as it was before taking it. Not only was it a waste of money, it was a waste of time and hope. It was nice seeing who I could be if a few pimples weren't holding me back.

The problem I find is all these red marks that the pimples have left. I would look half decent if they were no longer sitting on my face. I'm sure some are years old. They heal...? Sure. Any pimple will leave a mark on my skin and that's just why I hate getting the pimples. I know for sure that I'll be left with another reminder of how horrible my skin is.

Ahhhhh. Also didn't have any chocolate today for the first year ever because I'm thinking about how my bloody skin will be the day after. :naughty:

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I want to be that happy confident fun girl I use to be. I pray every night for that....how much longer will I have to wait? :(

Six weeks, two days and three hours. ;) No, seriously I'm so sorry you're going through this... I recognize a lot as I used to be super tense as well, fearing going places because of my skin. It was very exhausting. *sighs* I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better!

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Happy Easter and sorry if that is not "pc" but i mean it in a "new beginning" way more than religious way for all of us here at acne.org.

i so feel your pain and am very similar to you. i am in my 2nd week of accutane and feel so ecstatic even though my face is peeling and my lips are cracked and bleeding...but no new blemishes.

I know people think we are crazy bc we are obsessed with our skin the way other ppl are obsessed with food or shopping or gambling, cigarettes etc. You may already have a therapist but if not i would get one bc then you can rant and vent and they will KNOW you are NOT crazy. You will have a better relationship with your boyfriend and family too. I am sure they are just as tired of you as you are of you. People have told me the same thing they tell you. I have had chronic acne for over 30 years. Some ppl say i have "flawles" skin but they don't know the work it takes either via drugs/makeup/healthy living -more like the combination of all three. OR THE DAYS THEY DON'T SEE ME bc i don't go out.

Don't give up bc every day they are coming up with new things. I wish there was a way that facial services were covered by medical plans bc it's not fair that we have acne. And there are lots of things that can help if you can afford them regularly. (Facials and microdermabrasion and peels and blue light therapy and IPL and all kinds of stuff) My hyperpigmentation is not from the sun-i hate the sun bc i break out-hence Vitamin D levels low - it just spirals this acne thing...

Finally, in addition to finding a therapist to talk to (not because you're crazy!) i would have your doctor recommend an anti-anxiety drug. If you can relax a little about this (and it doesn't have to be an everyday drug-there are many safe ones for you if have to attend a function and you would rather stay in a dark room-you may be able to enjoy some of the happier things in life.

One other thing and i am not minimizing this at all bc i am so similar to you-get out and volunteer somewhere. This forces us to take the focus off ourselves because unfortunately we cant do it on our own. .

Good luck!

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lyssgirl, I totally understand where you're coming from. The worst part is when things get better and we feel so close to being clear, only for it to break out again. It's hard and it feels like it's never going to end. There's not a lot you can say that hasn't been said before or is a total cliché. And I think it's hard for people who haven't had acne to be able to relate or say the right things, because they don't understand how it can affect us.

I had a massive decision to make today. My Grandfather was about to pass away in hospital after a short illness and when my Dad phoned me from the hospital to ask if I wanted to come and say goodbye, the first thought in my head was, 'Am I going to get enough time to psych myself up in order to leave the house?'. It's crazy how much this can all influence the way we behave and how we think. I went along and braved being in a strange place, with plenty of people walking around who I didn't know. I'm glad I was there when my Grandfather passed away this morning, and I can't believe that I even considered, just for a second, that staying home and not being with my family was even an option.

I know for sure that I need to get some help to sort myself out once and for all. If acne is going to be something I'm going to have to put up with to some degree for an indefinite period of my life, I have to get on with it. I have to live my life because I've seen first hand today that eventually it will come to an end. My acne is what it is, but I don't have to let that influence my behaviour to the point where I waste my life. I've wasted enough and it has to stop.

I wish I was there with you now. Perhaps a strange thing to say, I don't know, I just wish I could help more. Typing this out just doesn't seem enough.

I'm going to do some research on therapists and stuff, maybe speak to a few and tell them a bit of my history and see if they can work with me. If you feel that you've come as far as you can on your own and, with all due respect to them, your support network are struggling to help you further, perhaps it is time to seek professional help. It's not a bad thing and we're not crazy. That's not what it's about. We're not weak, or stupid, or self-involved. We're struggling. And mentally as well, it's important to sort this out. Our minds are fragile and we need to look after them.

If professional help is something you feel you need to do, we could do it together. Totally up to you but I'm only a message away. We may well end up taking different paths, but the destination is essentially the same. The goals are the same.

Whatever happens, whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck. You seem like a nice person and it's a shame that this is currently getting the better of you. It's sad that it should ever happen to anyone, of course, but when we reach a point where we feel we're being robbed of confidence and happiness, it's just such a shame.

We should look at this as a turning point. The start of a new chapter. The moment we decide to take action and start heading towards being our true selves.

:)

Edited by PaulH85

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I can relate so much to your post. I am currently on month 3 of my accutane course and well before my accutane course I was on doxy for about 3 months and it cleared me up very well to the point where I had maybe 1 pimple and my scars were fading and my confidence was at an all time high. The reason I was even put on accutane if my doxy results were so good was because doxy has had these good results before with me but the acne always comes back so the dr decided a more permanent fix was due. Anyways while on doxy my skin was looking amazing and I started talking to some old friends again and I started to have my life back, I have never felt so alive as I did during that short 2 month time span.

The only thing that kind of kept me in fear was how I still had a certain perception of myself. I have dealt with acne since I was 13 and now being 22 that's a substantial amount of time. Even during this period though where my skin was looking great I still inside, internally had an itch I just couldn't scratch and it was that my face must still look awful. Even though I would be able to look in the mirror and see my face better then I have seen it in years, whenever I would think of how my complexion must look I always pictured myself still looking how I have always seen myself. I guess just years of living with acne and perceiving myself one way has really molded my mind to thinking that way and what gives me the most fear is after my accutane course when I KNOW my skin will be looking great is if I’ll still have that mind set.

I want to be able to live life how I have always pictured it if I didn't have acne, which is with no restrictions. My acne has always held me back from me feeling as though I am fully living. About 3 weeks ago I started to break out slowly again, 1 pimple surfaced and I wasn't to scared no big deal but slowly more and more have shown up and here we go again, I am now back in my mindset as I was before the doxy cleared me up. These friends who I have connected with again have texted me and called me but what do I do now, I ignore the calls and the text. I am back to where all I want to do is stay inside my house. I am back to feeling so low about myself, I forgot how bad this feeling could actually feel. All I do now is go to work come home and repeat. It's so hard when on a Friday night I'm getting hit up from friends to go out and do this or that and inside I am DYING to but I make up a lie as to why I can't.

I do know a lot of it though is my own FEAR, I know my friends will would and will take me just as I am acne free or acne on me. Yet... I guess I am holding myself back, I want to be able to feel confident when I am out, I don't want to go out with them and feel quite or shy because then what's the point of even going out if I’m not going to be living. I actually have been thinking about asking my dr about some type of counseling to deal with what I am going through now and what I will be going through after my acne has cleared. I mean come on its common sense that if I lived with this monster disrupting my life for just about 10 years now that there is going to be some underlying issues that when my skins clears they won't just go away on their own. For now though I am back in my phase, my phase where I guess I won't be living much for now, just going through life till my confidence returns and I actually want to join society again. Feels pretty good to vent.

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Sorry if I had to post on an old topic.

lyssgirl, I'm not sure if you remember me, but you posted on one of my posts about birth control suggestions (you recommended Spironolactone). You and I have insanely similar stories, even the timing of our skin eruptions (and what led us there) were eerily the same!

First and foremost, I am shocked that your life has taken such a dramatic turn because of acne. I'm not one to trivialize anyone's problems (otherwise they wouldn't be problems) but I know deep down inside, you know that RATIONALLY, this is completely irrational. And I hope you realize it sooner because this could have a hugely negative impact on your life in the near future.

Education is a right and not a privilege! Please please please don't do this to yourself! I know it sounds extremely cliche and haughty, but you are so incredibly lucky that you have the opportunity to learn about the world, life, great leaders, etc. I myself had to face the toughest year of my academic life this year because of acne, but I can tell you that I am so much more sane and able to stand all this adversity that's being thrown at me, BECAUSE of school. I'm not even majoring in a Science-related study, but I can tell you that the tools and methodologies for my own field of specialization, has been an ENORMOUS help in getting me through this stage of my life. THIS WILL PASS. And even if it doesn't, your knowledge/intelligence defines you FAR MORE than your acne does. Believe me!

I also wanted to tell you that clogged pores are part of life. My mother and my sister have IMMACULATE skin and they too suffer from clogged pores. I'm not at all belittling your concern (I used to have a beautiful creamy even complexion as well... and oh what I would give to get it back!) but this is something that's been given to you and you have to learn how to deal with it for the time being. It shapes your character, and your ability to face harsher inalienable truths in life.

Those beautiful girls with perfect skin? Trust me, they will have their own baggage later on in life. And it's very unhealthy for you to compare yourself to them. You're not them. You have layers upon layers of differences: whether it's your DNA makeup, the particular location you live in, the stresses you go through, WHAT stresses you, your desires, your needs, your vices, etc. You are no one but yourself, and that's a beautiful thing because only YOU can really nurture yourself.

And once you do get to that place where you feel you 100% love yourself no matter what, anything that doesn't hold substance (acne, physical looks, material things, etc) will not matter because the only thing you will need to prioritize is your deep, honest happiness.

You have done everything in your power to control your acne and I know you can say that whole-heartedly. You should be proud that you've reached this level of clarity and it has a far greater chance of going away in the future. Besides, good-looks doesn't equal true happiness. Not that this should matter to you because you already are a very beautiful young woman, and it's such a shame that you're ruining your future because of clogged pores. Please don't do this to yourself! If you can't be this cruel to others, you should never EVER be this cruel to yourself.

I have one thing that I want you to do as soon as you finish reading this. I want you to call your boyfriend, watch a movie with him (pick one that has good reviews and belongs to a genre that you like) and REALLY focus and watch the movie.

This will do 3 things (albeit temporarily, but still a pleasant worthwhile experience):

1. It will allow you to spend time with someone you love and trust. - which you deserve.

2. It will get your mind off of something that has emotionally drained you for the past little while now. - which you deserve (the getting your mind off of your problem.. not the problem itself, lol)

3. It will allow you to see different perspectives of situations. -Which again, you deserve. EVERYTHING in life can be seen in MANY ways and it's definitely a gift that many strong people possess (Oprah, all psychiatrists, and luckily for me, my mom which is why this journey has been manageable for me).

A personal note: I know it sounds silly, but when I was 17 faced with the TOUGHEST decision whether or not to go to the most prestigious school in the country vs. staying home and going to the best school in my province (I'm Canadian), what ultimately made me decide to go to the prestigious school (and work my ass off since the curriculum here is at least 90x harder than any other school in the country [this is confirmed by friends who go to "less" prestigious schools]) was when I watched a movie and it made me realize what I really needed to do. I've never looked back ever since. ALL my dreams (some I didn't even know I had) came true as soon as I picked my school.

I'm not saying that you will find all your answers when you watch a movie, but it does offer a fresh perspective to anything you are faced with. Give it a go, if not for the value of the storyline, but at least it's a chance for you to forget about your problems for a brief 2 hours (it's well worth it).

I hope you're in a far better place when you're reading this.

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dive into your sorrow, embrace your frustration. see where it takes you. if you don't like it pull yourself out and do what you would normally do in despair. but i promise you, it is a journey.

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I know exactly what you mean. I feel like i cant talk about my acne with anyone anymore because theyre so sick and tired of hearing about it. I feel like they think im too self centered and conscious about looks but they dont know what its like. Im visiting my family this summer and im dreading it just because i know theyre all going to comment on my acne. I dont know why god is putting us through this but we just have to accept it. Some things in life just arent in our control and we need to learn to be happy without them. I've learned that crying about it and getting upset over it doesnt fix anything. Just keep telling yourself itll be alright and try to ignore it. I know it sounds cheesy, but one day itll all be alright, i promise :)

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I know exactly what you mean. I feel like i cant talk about my acne with anyone anymore because theyre so sick and tired of hearing about it. I feel like they think im too self centered and conscious about looks but they dont know what its like. Im visiting my family this summer and im dreading it just because i know theyre all going to comment on my acne. I dont know why god is putting us through this but we just have to accept it. Some things in life just arent in our control and we need to learn to be happy without them. I've learned that crying about it and getting upset over it doesnt fix anything. Just keep telling yourself itll be alright and try to ignore it. I know it sounds cheesy, but one day itll all be alright, i promise :)

I feel like I wrote all of this. Just dont know how to deal with this crap anymore. You are not alone!

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Acne and anxiety are tough because it is difficult to consider the two to be mutually exclusive.

Although acne may have been the trigger of your anxiety and/or depression it is possible that you have developed a generalized anxiety disorder that will persist even with clear skin.

Its tough to admit we could be happy with less than stellar skin, but it is!

If your mind is in a perpetual state of stress and depression, changes occur chemically and even structurally that keep your mind in a disturbed state. Isolation and worrying will only increase this effect.

I was skeptical at first when I was told that by reducing my stress and anxiety could have a beneficial effect on my skin and not the other way around.

You NEED to so a psychiatrist who can help you with your anxiety and this in turn can end the cycle of being stressed and breaking out. And even still you will have better coping abilities with your skin and life events in general.

Please see someone soon, you owe it to yourself. Get your life going again.

Its not your fault youre in this state. The stress of acne may have caused it and it doesnt have to last.

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Times are tough!

I can relate with you 1000% because im going through the exact same thing. It's hard to go through your every day life with acne. I dont get out as much as i use to since i got acne about a year ago. So funny how much ive change over the past couple months. I never goo out at all i dont have a girl friend because my confidence is at a all time low. I missed so much school cause of acne and im not graduating this year because i fucked up. It was sad seeing all my friends graduating and wishing that i was up there.

I'm not taking any acne medication because im trying to do this all natural since modern day technology hasn't worked for me at all. I tried everything and it just seems like theres nothing out there that will work for me. Look i know its really really hard to go out and do the stuff you want to do. We all have dreams, You just have to keep fighting it and say fuck it. Cause we only get 1 life. Live up every moment like its your last. Try not to think about it and just keep your mind postive. I don't know what else to tell you kid. Pray for strentgh & courage.

God bless you and i hope everything works out for you.

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