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tblaze04

How can you hide from what never goes away?

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Guest Bloody Corpse Deamonn duh

sry idk what cool to say, i just rly like how treeface said it in his first post on this thread, & couldnt agree more. >_> and ofc u cant hide from what never goes away, but if its just acne that holds u from living the way u want, u should focus on getting rid of it by all means atm. think about how much have u already tried out n try all everything else what u havent yet, is only i can think of to suggest :shrug:

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sry idk what cool to say, i just rly like how treeface said it in his first post on this thread, & couldnt agree more. >_> and ofc u cant hide from what never goes away, but if its just acne that holds u from living the way u want, u should focus on getting rid of it by all means atm. think about how much have u already tried out n try all everything else what u havent yet, is only i can think of to suggest :shrug:

haha thats a pretty stupid post. i have tried everything and left all my hope with accutane which ive been on for 5 months. i dont mean to be rude but im just tired of all of this.

today im having a good day though.. because my skin is good. it probably wont stay like this tomorrow or the next day. im assuming the worst because ive been in this cycle before and over and over again. im goign on a trip to cali to get away for awhile with my sister hopefully that will help get my mind straight. anti-depressionates dont help i relize they take awhile to work but everyone is pressuring me to take them which makes me not want to take them. Although im somewhat okay with taking them... i realize that my problem is my skin and thats whats making me mentally unstable and ultimately crazy. If my skin is good ill be good... im not sure where anti-depressionates play a role. ive told this to my therapist/parents obviously.

let me know if you have any experience with anti-depressionates while suffering from acne.

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Guest Bloody Corpse Deamonn duh

with everything u mean what? n i know how it sucks to try everything out n how ur fed up with everything? o__0 well ofc duuh & fe me esp, even more than u im just sure :dozing: but point is..since u still have acne u pretty much have no choice anywayz to just keep trying stuff out? duh sucks, but is the way it is. anyhow good luck with accutane, u can hope its your last cure, just find something for depression n endure it n thats it then. wellz ive heard l-trypthosan, tryptophan something & 5-htp r awasome but there was something bad about 5-htp tho, so idk

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with everything u mean what? n i know how it sucks to try everything out n how ur fed up with everything? o__0 well ofc duuh & fe me esp, even more than u im just sure :dozing: but point is..since u still have acne u pretty much have no choice anywayz to just keep trying stuff out? duh sucks, but is the way it is. anyhow good luck with accutane, u can hope its your last cure, just find something for depression n endure it n thats it then. wellz ive heard l-trypthosan, tryptophan something & 5-htp r awasome but there was something bad about 5-htp tho, so idk

Thanks --- Today the past two days and today I've been good :) I hope it stays this way. I'm done with being in terrible moods because of my skin. But i know if i break out i'll be back in that terrible mood... i'm trying to not think about possible breaking out in a couple days and cherishhh the moment haha sounds corny but its true... we all need to do this.

When ya look good ya feel good

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Guest mariacne
My life is a draining-repulsive cycle. I'm hoping things will look up, and right when they do, there's always something to fuck it up, and I'm back at square one. I have been battling and suffering from acne for what seems like forever, it has been forever. Growing up I never allowed my skin to bother me, but there came a point where i just couldn't continue hoping things would look up because it hurt to much to hold on anymore. This point, or "moment", happened on spring break in March 2010. I vacationed in Florida with my family and broke out extremely bad. For the following months, i hid at home avoiding everyone and everything. I went through several laser treatments and antibiotics to control my skin, but with little success. In may, my dermatologist offered me the chance to go onto accutane following summer in october. I saw this as my last chance in being happy with myself, without hesitation i agreed. During the summer, just as when i was younger, i tried to not allow my skin to affect me because i was going on accutane in the fall.

My life is a roller coaster. Being on accutane its very hard to remain sane because i am experiencing a lot of up's and down's. These up's and down's are completely due to wether my skin looks good... or simply doesn't look good. Acne does control my mood and behavior. I experienced clear skin, due to accutane, for a month, and just when i thought my life was coming together, i realized it was just slowly starting to fall apart once again. I never know when i wake up, if all will be good, or if i'll be back in that dark place, again to feel the pain. Its a struggle everyday motivating myself. Im having more and more of a difficult time going to school and out with friends and my girlfriend. Im just tired of acting, acting like everything is okay... when I'm falling apart inside. And i try to let go once and awhile, i try to move on because sometimes there's nothing else i can do. But acting all day, isn't how it's supposed to be, I'm hurting so bad inside.. I'm struggling to be someone that isn't even close to me. Sometimes when i catch myself smiling i dont know if i'm getting better or just use to the pain. Some people (therapist, parents, friends) try to understand but they don't know what living like this is like. I don't wanna be an inconvenience or a bother anymore. There's nothing more depressing than having it all and still feeling sad. I just want a day to go by... when I'm not pretending to be happy. And on top of feeling sad, i also feel guilty for not going to school, canceling appointments, ditching friends; all to hide at home. I tend to push myself once in awhile into going out, but it hurts more smiling in front of everyone than crying alone.

I'm tired, I'm tired of getting up every morning and putting on a fake smile, telling myself "today will be better". I've tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in my eyes and its tiring, and breaking me down. Accutane still gives me hope for better days, but that hope is slowly fading away each day.

How can you hide from what never goes away?

Accutane: Currently on month 4

I know exactly how you feel - the overwhelming pain is just incredible, it's been so long I dont even remember a life when I didnt have acne - it's like the child was someone else. I've been acting for so long I dont even know who I am.

These are the years you grow up and develop as a person, but acne has hindered that development and I dont know who I am, I feel like I'm watching life rather than being a part of it.

It is sheer hell, recently I've even started thinking that maybe I did something terrible in a past life and that this is my payback because I actually feel I am in hell, like this disease - it is, that's literally what it is. Hell on earth.

I was looking at a picture of me when I was a kid today and I actually thought, I wish I had died in some tragic accident when I was a kid because then people would remember me as that happy kid who had a "great" life ahead of her.

Me! I can't believe Im thinking that! It's awful and it makes me cry when I think how the one thing that brings me a sense of relief at the moment is the thought that I might die.

For years I just put up with acne cz I believed it would go one day and that I was unlucky but I had to do my time, it's been ten years down the drain and I can't even imagine being free now, it's so bad I can't see myself being cured so I just feel that I want to die.

I can't hide from acne, because I can feel it on my face and I can feel people's reactions towards me. I was outcast at Uni, my family treat my differently, no one wants to go out with me... how can I hide from that, when Im feeling it???

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My life is a draining-repulsive cycle. I'm hoping things will look up, and right when they do, there's always something to fuck it up, and I'm back at square one. I have been battling and suffering from acne for what seems like forever, it has been forever. Growing up I never allowed my skin to bother me, but there came a point where i just couldn't continue hoping things would look up because it hurt to much to hold on anymore. This point, or "moment", happened on spring break in March 2010. I vacationed in Florida with my family and broke out extremely bad. For the following months, i hid at home avoiding everyone and everything. I went through several laser treatments and antibiotics to control my skin, but with little success. In may, my dermatologist offered me the chance to go onto accutane following summer in october. I saw this as my last chance in being happy with myself, without hesitation i agreed. During the summer, just as when i was younger, i tried to not allow my skin to affect me because i was going on accutane in the fall.

My life is a roller coaster. Being on accutane its very hard to remain sane because i am experiencing a lot of up's and down's. These up's and down's are completely due to wether my skin looks good... or simply doesn't look good. Acne does control my mood and behavior. I experienced clear skin, due to accutane, for a month, and just when i thought my life was coming together, i realized it was just slowly starting to fall apart once again. I never know when i wake up, if all will be good, or if i'll be back in that dark place, again to feel the pain. Its a struggle everyday motivating myself. Im having more and more of a difficult time going to school and out with friends and my girlfriend. Im just tired of acting, acting like everything is okay... when I'm falling apart inside. And i try to let go once and awhile, i try to move on because sometimes there's nothing else i can do. But acting all day, isn't how it's supposed to be, I'm hurting so bad inside.. I'm struggling to be someone that isn't even close to me. Sometimes when i catch myself smiling i dont know if i'm getting better or just use to the pain. Some people (therapist, parents, friends) try to understand but they don't know what living like this is like. I don't wanna be an inconvenience or a bother anymore. There's nothing more depressing than having it all and still feeling sad. I just want a day to go by... when I'm not pretending to be happy. And on top of feeling sad, i also feel guilty for not going to school, canceling appointments, ditching friends; all to hide at home. I tend to push myself once in awhile into going out, but it hurts more smiling in front of everyone than crying alone.

I'm tired, I'm tired of getting up every morning and putting on a fake smile, telling myself "today will be better". I've tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in my eyes and its tiring, and breaking me down. Accutane still gives me hope for better days, but that hope is slowly fading away each day.

How can you hide from what never goes away?

Accutane: Currently on month 4

Sounds way too familiarly. I, too, am on month 4. It's not really getting better. What upsets me most is my scarring. I'm a female, and people are not friendly to girls who look like I do. But I've basically been living what you describe. Can't stand being around other people. When I am, all I want to do is run home and cry. Leaving my house at all is such a monumental effort. I had a month, at the beginning of Accutane, when I was feeling so much better. I thought there was hope. But then I looked in the mirror (I try to never, ever do this) and was reminded how bad my scarring was. Then the breakouts kept coming. It's so sad.

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Mariacne -

I feel the same exact way as you do.."i've been acting for so long i dont even know who i am" When i experienced clear skin for about a month i was happy but at the same time i was kinda awkward with friends because i just forgot how to act or behave infront of them it was weird. I feel like i wouldve gotten use to it eventually but i started breaking out again a month later so the cycle began once again. And i also have been looking at pictures of myself when i was younger and scanning them onto the computer. Remembering the good times and wondering if ill ever be that happy again. I had so much personality and so much to give and offer people, Now i can hardley help myself so i block others out especially friends. Ive lost a lot this past year due to my problem it sucks, i could always get them back but im not going to try until im ready which i dont know when i will be! To answer your question how you can hide from it... as it was my question to at one point. You simply cant hide from it you have to push yourself... and have to continue pushing yourself. To go out, be active, be social. Its fucking hard too espeically when you've pushed yourself for so many years as i have. But as there is a point where you give up, there is also a point where you cannot contiue living in hell.

SAK -

- i also try to avoid mirrors, and i find when i hide at home i only really have to look in the mirror twice... after i shower in the morning to put on lotion and after i shower at night to put on lotion. i cant tell you how relieving it is to only worry twice a day. Hahaha but at the same time this is incredibly sad and funny because i cant do this everyday... We both cant hide everyday we have things to do.. people to meet... experiences we haven't faced..

Your scaring will likely never fade. I dont know much about scaring because i dont have it! But all i can say is if your going to have scars for a long period of time... you might as well reassure yourself that this is how it is and be aware that this is how you are going to look and cant help it. Things will get better for you there are treatments... i would try Blue-Light Treatment. Im not really sure if it helps scaring im pretty sure it does but it helps smooth out skin. I got it done 5 times which is the max/recommended. Look into it, it won't hurt. Only thing is its very expensive... my parents are rich so they paid haha but i know it is expensive.

By the way if anyone reading this couldn't tell... im responding optimisticly because im in a good mood.. simply because my skin is good. I had a really tough month 4 ? month 5? whatever fucking month im on.. i forget. But for the past two days its gotten so much better and im happy :) I just want this moment for life i dont want anything to change. Because all these ups and downs really is killing me and eating me down. I dont know how to deal with it. Im definently experiencing an up for the past couple days... but at the same time ive been a little down? because i know this shitty cycle may start up again. But im not gonna think like that right now..im happy and comfortable with myself. Tomorrow going to cali getting away for awhile with my sister.. no stress.. no pressure. i cannot fuckinggg wait.

when ya look good ya feel good

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I'm glad you've been feeling better :) Now that you're so far in your course, the good days start being pretty consistent, so don't have too much anxiety about it circling again! And I can personally say that you'll naturally regain your old character after you beat this phase. So don't worry, this is soon to be the past.

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I'm glad you've been feeling better :) Now that you're so far in your course, the good days start being pretty consistent, so don't have too much anxiety about it circling again! And I can personally say that you'll naturally regain your old character after you beat this phase. So don't worry, this is soon to be the past.

thanks that makes me feel better... just trying to surround myself with positive people.. no stress. i pushed away all of my closest friends this past year so im slowly trying to reconnect with themmm :)

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I just wanted to say hi & your blog is my life story.We sound so much alike

Ance has controled my life for over 20 years now.Even though i,ve been on accutane for 8 months & am basically clear my ance is always on my mind.My day & my mood is controled by what my face looks likes.

I really dont think i will ever get rid of the hurt acne causes you its been with me half my life.Just keep your head up, its a ruff ride but accutane does work

Thanks for sharing your story & best of luck to you.

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I totally understands how you feel.

I was already sad before reading your thread.

While reading those sentences i recall how i am like you.

-My hidous skin hidders alot things in my life.

-I dont play sport.

-I cant stay over night in any outings. (i can remove makeup, i swear ghost will be horrified by me)

-Everyday is a torture where i have to wake earlier and sleep later just becos of applying and removing god damn MU.

-I must stay out of sun.

-Places i know got sunlight i am struggling not to even tilt my head up cos sunlight shows all flaws.

-I reject outings just becos my skin is not is good condition.

-I am a girl yet i dont even dare to wear a tank top.

All these is always self esteem threadening.

Enough to make any normal human unable to be human.

Eat- i eat with cautious. yet some ppl eat shit but face glow as ever.

Wear- i can only wear Tshirt. life is sux enough yet i cant even be like any normal gal wear different any designs of clothes i want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! does anyone even knows how this is feels life!!!???

Sleep- i can only have a position ever. ya tilting your face to one side risk outbreak.

Edited by Dreamlify
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Good luck gettin back on your feet bro. I'm going through a phase of depression as well and its definetly tough. My skin recently became pretty oily, and some bad facial irritation which counteracts with my fair irish skin. im still breaking out too but my acne is the least of my issues right now. Also first day back to school from break tommorrow and i must admit im stressin out to be seen in public right now. Im glad that someone who went through this was able to rebound a bit, hopefully I can soon, but from the looks of my skin, I just dont know how i can enjoy going out in public right now.

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- little kid. yeah thats me on a good day.

- herecomesthesun. you should show her the post... im about to show my parents/therpaist too if this gets worse. my parents also make me feel guilty for the way i respond to the "bad days". but makes me feel somewhat better knowing I'm not alone.

Its crazy that yesterday, monday, i was satisfied with my skin. It wasn't perfect but i was okay with it... and it probably was the happiest most outgoing I've been in months at school.

Now today, tuesday, my skin broke out again and all i want to do is hide. The night before i knew it was coming and got really bad anxiety. This probably sounds retarded but driving to school this morning i just randomly started crying...and i couldn't hold it back. I sat in the parking lot of the school trying to get myself together. it took awhile, after a quick text to my best friend saying another day of pretending to be happy :), i stepped into the school building and faced everything i wish i could hide from. It was a hard day but i managed to get through it. Obviously everyone asked me whats wrong today.... i had no answer. Its hard to answer "whats wrong" when i feel nothings right.

i can't keep doing this its breaking me down. this isnt how its suppose to be

I feel the same way. It's like a manic roller-coaster toying with our emotions. Some days (rarely) I'll get that confidence out of nowhere, like fuck it who cares and go out and have a great time, and then the next day wake up and look in the mirror just to be disappointed again... Sometimes I really wonder if my mood alters my perception of my skin. It seems like that moment when I wake up and look in the mirror determines how the rest of my day will go... I don't know. I'm really considering therapy and anti-depressants. I think there is something chemically wrong going on with me.

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I feel the same way. It's like a manic roller-coaster toying with our emotions. Some days (rarely) I'll get that confidence out of nowhere, like fuck it who cares and go out and have a great time, and then the next day wake up and look in the mirror just to be disappointed again... Sometimes I really wonder if my mood alters my perception of my skin. It seems like that moment when I wake up and look in the mirror determines how the rest of my day will go... I don't know. I'm really considering therapy and anti-depressants. I think there is something chemically wrong going on with me.

wow that is EXACTLY how i feel its like you took the words out of my mouth. And i do as well have a therapist and idk might try anti-depressants next week. Im having much better days lately hope it stays like this im jsut living every moment up that i do have a good day.

Edited by tblaze04
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I feel the same way. It's like a manic roller-coaster toying with our emotions. Some days (rarely) I'll get that confidence out of nowhere, like fuck it who cares and go out and have a great time, and then the next day wake up and look in the mirror just to be disappointed again... Sometimes I really wonder if my mood alters my perception of my skin. It seems like that moment when I wake up and look in the mirror determines how the rest of my day will go... I don't know. I'm really considering therapy and anti-depressants. I think there is something chemically wrong going on with me.

wow that is EXACTLY how i feel its like you took the words out of my mouth. And i do as well have a therapist and idk might try anti-depressants next week. Im having much better days lately hope it stays like this im jsut living every moment up that i do have a good day.

That's good, I'm glad to hear it. I hope it keeps up. I'm still back and forth all the time. What really messes with my head is my girlfriend says all the shit I'm worried about isn't even a big deal.. But when I look in the mirror, it is a big deal.. Dermatologists say it's all good.. Something doesn't add up. It's like, am I crazy or is it really like I see it? But anyway, anti-depressants really helped my younger brother. He doesn't have issues with his acne or anything, he's got really bad anxiety and stuff. So I say try it, we got nothing to lose right haha?

My theory is that our flaws are being exaggerated in our minds. Maybe there's something off about the way our brains are handling neurotransmitters like serotonin.. And if that's the case, anti-depressants might be exactly what's needed. And if you end up not taking anti-depressants, you might want to try 5-HTP. It's a natural amino acid that converts into serotonin in your body (I'm not a chemist, but I think that's how it works in general). It's sold pretty much everywhere in the vitamin section (GNC, Wal-mart, Walgreens, etc.) I used to take it because I used to do ecstasy, which uses up all your serotonin.. Which is one of the reasons I think mine is all fucked up. Now I'm hoping if I take it again, it'll help balance out whatever's wrong.

Edited by whatjathink
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I completely understand how you feel, I'm feeling the exact same way. I almost want to make my mom read your post so she can see that I'm not the only one. She always makes me feel guilty for the way I respond to the 'bad days' (skipping school, etc.), and I feel like that's the worst of it all; being punished for being punished. I desperately want to approach life with enthusiasm, not just with what I choke up to get by.

But just know that you're not alone and better days are ahead of us.

And. Happy birthday :)

I'm the same, I did show my mum this post

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I completely understand how you feel, I'm feeling the exact same way. I almost want to make my mom read your post so she can see that I'm not the only one. She always makes me feel guilty for the way I respond to the 'bad days' (skipping school, etc.), and I feel like that's the worst of it all; being punished for being punished. I desperately want to approach life with enthusiasm, not just with what I choke up to get by.

But just know that you're not alone and better days are ahead of us.

And. Happy birthday :)

I'm the same, I did show my mum this post

aw what did she say, did she understand? i didnt show my mom i will when im ready. its kinda cool to find people that relate and are just as open with their feelings.

"You can't waste time over your skin problems. Life changes, you grow up and grow stronger with time and patience, and you accept that. Yet you still can't stop thinking of how good it once was, afraid you'd never experience it again, afraid you've already lived it and already lost it. the only way to really know, is to let go."

"too many people go through life without actually feeling like

they're alive. so once you find that feeling, don't ever let it slip away"

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Its hard to answer "whats wrong" when i feel nothings right.

You said that a while back, and I've thought that exact same thing many, many times. People ask me because they can tell something is wrong. But like you said, nothing feels right. It's not even like there is one exact thing that is wrong. It's more like everything as a whole is wrong. I'm not a fan of my life, and where I think it's going.

Everything is wrong and I don't know how to make it right, or what would make it right. I do know that clear skin would make me feel better about myself. Is that so bad to want? I know my acne shouldn't impact my life the way it does, but yet it does. I'm not saying that no acne would automatically make me a happier person. I just think it's a big part of why I feel the way I do. It would help my self-esteem, which I have about zero of right now.

Enough about me. I hope you're doing better because it sounds like it. :]

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To be honest I never really notice acne on people (I'm a girl). Sure I'll acknowledge to myself that it's there (because..well, it is), but other than that, I just don't really care.

It's like seeing someone with a new shirt. You notice it, then it just kinda leaves your mind.

Edited by ForQuestions
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To be honest I never really notice acne on people (I'm a girl). Sure I'll acknowledge to myself that it's there (because..well, it is), but other than that, I just don't really care.

It's like seeing someone with a new shirt. You notice it, then it just kinda leaves your mind.

Reading back on this i laugh, cuz i've made it. I never thought i could. Those sleepless nights, pretending all day - i was at rock bottom.

Im here to say I've made it :) I'm finally happy and satisfied. yay

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Thanks for the responses - I feel like nobody understands how i feel in my life. Just how much acne affects my mood, even when i tell them. Its getting harder and harder to push myself into simply facing each day. I do hold myself to high standards, but i've always been like that in every way - shape - and form. Im not expecting clear skin to bring me complete happiness, but it will bring me just enough satisfaction to want to get out of bed in the morning. But until then all i can do is wait. And waiting sucks... especially when nobody understands my situation.

I feel the exact same way. Being a freshman in high school a lot of the other girls haven't broken out yet which leads me to feel well un-pretty. Recently my skin has gotten better but the moment I start to break out my life falls apart. I feel like I stress out my family and friends. I also have a very low self-esteem because of acne and constantly hate myself. I think what gets me through is the fact that my friends don't care. I may notice every little thing about my skin but they don't and if they are good friends they wouldn't be bothered by it anyway.

I hate going out as well. I'm a home body but i also don't like being seen by people. I find though when I go out and its a nice sunny day I'm not bothered so much by my acne. I feel happier and thus don't notice how bad my skin is.

I always thought that if I had a perfect skin I'd be much more happier but truth is I'd probably keep on complaining about how dumb or ugly I am like I normally would. I guess you always strife for something that you can't have.

But I understand perfectly how you feel and just know you are not alone. I don't think you should hide from your problems though. I think that hiding won't do much but make you more miserable. While faking happiness isn't good I think that if you leave your house one day thinking that nothing will change if I stay inside and the people that see my face may never see me again then maybe you might have more confidence. I think that if you actually smile then maybe you won't feel so bad about yourself and maybe you'll look at your acne a little less harshly.

I wish I could be of more help but I truly wish you the best of luck

Ella :)

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Oh man, I just want to hug you guys. I do think my mood alters how I feel about my skin. I personally think fatigue has a lot to do with it. If I'm tired everything seems a lot more depressing. Exercise is supposed to be important too, I need to do that. So, you're feeling better tblaze? If so, I'm really glad.

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Thanks for the responses - I feel like nobody understands how i feel in my life. Just how much acne affects my mood, even when i tell them. Its getting harder and harder to push myself into simply facing each day. I do hold myself to high standards, but i've always been like that in every way - shape - and form. Im not expecting clear skin to bring me complete happiness, but it will bring me just enough satisfaction to want to get out of bed in the morning. But until then all i can do is wait. And waiting sucks... especially when nobody understands my situation.

I feel the exact same way. Being a freshman in high school a lot of the other girls haven't broken out yet which leads me to feel well un-pretty. Recently my skin has gotten better but the moment I start to break out my life falls apart. I feel like I stress out my family and friends. I also have a very low self-esteem because of acne and constantly hate myself. I think what gets me through is the fact that my friends don't care. I may notice every little thing about my skin but they don't and if they are good friends they wouldn't be bothered by it anyway.

I hate going out as well. I'm a home body but i also don't like being seen by people. I find though when I go out and its a nice sunny day I'm not bothered so much by my acne. I feel happier and thus don't notice how bad my skin is.

I always thought that if I had a perfect skin I'd be much more happier but truth is I'd probably keep on complaining about how dumb or ugly I am like I normally would. I guess you always strife for something that you can't have.

But I understand perfectly how you feel and just know you are not alone. I don't think you should hide from your problems though. I think that hiding won't do much but make you more miserable. While faking happiness isn't good I think that if you leave your house one day thinking that nothing will change if I stay inside and the people that see my face may never see me again then maybe you might have more confidence. I think that if you actually smile then maybe you won't feel so bad about yourself and maybe you'll look at your acne a little less harshly.

I wish I could be of more help but I truly wish you the best of luck

Ella :)

thanks and yes it does get better.

been a couple months since with clear skin (after long 6months of accutane) and im still getting use to having clear skin but im finally so much happier :) anyone who relates to what i initially wrote, just realize it does get better. coming from someone that thought it was the end.

"Everything is okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end"

Edited by tblaze04
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My life is a draining-repulsive cycle. I'm hoping things will look up, and right when they do, there's always something to fuck it up, and I'm back at square one. I have been battling and suffering from acne for what seems like forever, it has been forever. Growing up I never allowed my skin to bother me, but there came a point where i just couldn't continue hoping things would look up because it hurt to much to hold on anymore. This point, or "moment", happened on spring break in March 2010. I vacationed in Florida with my family and broke out extremely bad. For the following months, i hid at home avoiding everyone and everything. I went through several laser treatments and antibiotics to control my skin, but with little success. In may, my dermatologist offered me the chance to go onto accutane following summer in october. I saw this as my last chance in being happy with myself, without hesitation i agreed. During the summer, just as when i was younger, i tried to not allow my skin to affect me because i was going on accutane in the fall.

My life is a roller coaster. Being on accutane its very hard to remain sane because i am experiencing a lot of up's and down's. These up's and down's are completely due to wether my skin looks good... or simply doesn't look good. Acne does control my mood and behavior. I experienced clear skin, due to accutane, for a month, and just when i thought my life was coming together, i realized it was just slowly starting to fall apart once again. I never know when i wake up, if all will be good, or if i'll be back in that dark place, again to feel the pain. Its a struggle everyday motivating myself. Im having more and more of a difficult time going to school and out with friends and my girlfriend. Im just tired of acting, acting like everything is okay... when I'm falling apart inside. And i try to let go once and awhile, i try to move on because sometimes there's nothing else i can do. But acting all day, isn't how it's supposed to be, I'm hurting so bad inside.. I'm struggling to be someone that isn't even close to me. Sometimes when i catch myself smiling i dont know if i'm getting better or just use to the pain. Some people (therapist, parents, friends) try to understand but they don't know what living like this is like. I don't wanna be an inconvenience or a bother anymore. There's nothing more depressing than having it all and still feeling sad. I just want a day to go by... when I'm not pretending to be happy. And on top of feeling sad, i also feel guilty for not going to school, canceling appointments, ditching friends; all to hide at home. I tend to push myself once in awhile into going out, but it hurts more smiling in front of everyone than crying alone.

I'm tired, I'm tired of getting up every morning and putting on a fake smile, telling myself "today will be better". I've tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in my eyes and its tiring, and breaking me down. Accutane still gives me hope for better days, but that hope is slowly fading away each day.

How can you hide from what never goes away?

Accutane: Currently on month 4

Here's my pocket full of shine, looks like you need it. I'll give you my positivity in a heart beat, did you know I have Lupis? And I could die if I didn't take my meds? And I also have acne? I love my life, I have found solace in the little things, call me a weirdo. I can't ramble on, these are your demons, but they will eat alive, looks like they are doing a fine job. Read some danielle steel, she always helps, smoke and mirrors? ha....cheer up, go get some porn? Ha....laugh. peace. xo

plus that was a fucking sad post, please for god sake lets have a chat. I am good with my empathy verbs, but right now I am so fucking tired. Got 2 hours of sleep worked at 5 am which means I woke up at 4. How can I teach someone that this IS LIFE, and to DEAL, find support, but dig deep inside to understand that your pain is relative, universal, and even if you find people who understand, it is you that you battle in the mirror each day. Mind frame baby.

Edited by Melie87
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