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Foreverdoomed

i DO have anxiety and mental issues

over the years ever since i was a little girl, my parents as well as friends have told me that i'm a very negative and unsocial person. TRUE. Although i don't remember why i was like that when i was younger, but i think its because i didn't fit in ANYWHERE. In middle school, i was the flat chested girl who plucked half her eyebrows off and wore clown makeup in an attempt to look good.

In 9th grade i got really bad acne all over my face.. but it didn't bother me THAT much. i still had hope i guess.

Now i'm almost finished highschool as i only have a few months left... and i will be leaving highschool as the girl who sat in the library all throughout her lunch and spare period, who had her locker in the grade 9 section because she was too scared to face the glares of those her own age, who was not ONC in the yearbook and who did not take grad pics or attend prom, etc and who had only one friend, her best friend.

I blame this all on acne... but my biggest fear is that it's not acne.. it's something bigger. it's me = ' [

I have a hard time maintaining relationships with ANYONE. parents, friends, even best friend etc. I don't leave the house unless i have to. i don't trust anyone. not a single person. i am very obsessive over my ex who i dated in grade 9. i keep having these delusions that he'll love me again when my acne is cleared but i've pushed myself away from his all these years and i haven't talked to him..i get really paranoid when people look at me.. just yesterday i was at my locker and some girl in 10th grade was looking at my face non-stop and i told her.. " WTF are you looking at?".. everybody in my grade refers to me as " the ghost" or they think i switched schools because they never see me around...

I feel alone in this world. and my parents brush it off much like everyone else.

but its a scary world out there and i really don't know how i am going to fit in in university with all those people around me much less the workplace.

it seems like many people with acne still get along with other people and are somewhat happy. but seriously, i feel so lost and hopeless. but i know one thing, i need help but i do not want to go to recieve counselling. i am hoping it will all just go away after i get accutane which i'm still trying to get but my derms won't give it to me.

just had to share my b.s with some one. thanks.

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Choosing to avoid the one thing that will help you most is very very short-sighted. You really do need counseling and maybe even some medications. Do realize that the brain is actually physical. The problems with the brain and its neurotransmitters are real physical problems, they're not 'just in your head'. Your brain is the signal point and the reason for your being and the biggest explanation of who you are. If it's broken, it can be helped out a lot with counseling and/or medication.

Don't put it off and let the problem get worse. Untreated illness of the brain only get worse and worse until they affect your very activities of daily living and enjoyment of every thing, everything completely.

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i can relate. high school sucked for me. i had horrible acne too. also, i was tiny. like 120lbs. i got thrown in trash cans and picked on relentlessly.

i guess i tell you this cause after a shit life at school, the only way to go is up.

life can get much better after school; but it is what you make it.

good luck.

ps. as for the antisocial thing, what jump started me was doing an internship with college works painting. i had to go door to door selling paint jobs, and then manage the business. that program changed my life.

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Your life sounds pretty similar to mine. I've always been pretty antisocial. Things just got worse at one point and it definitely wasn't solely because of acne. However, when my acne got worse things did get worse. I can't say things are much better in college. I was slightly optimistic after the first few days (very rare for me) but then things eventually just went downhill. I'm really reluctant to make any friends. The friends I've made have already hurt me emotionally.

Some advice on getting over the guy: make sure you don't go to the same college as him. You'll meet somebody new to obsess over but hopefully they won't be the wrong person.

I hate when people stare at me too. I usually can't sit in a public place by myself for a long time unless there aren't a lot of people around. I didn't used to be like this it has only gotten progressively worse. The worst part is nobody knows. When you get to college nobody knows who you are so it's really up to you to leave your mark. If you're going to have massive anxiety all the time (like me) you will eventually get labeled and it sucks. I try not to worry about it though since I don't have to live on campus and therefore get some freedom from it all.

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Hey OP, first of all I want to tell you that you are NOT alone in this. There are so many people out there with anxiety and/or depression, me included. I have social phobia and a lot of anxiey and I've had it ever since early teens, when my really bad acne started. I don't think acne was the whole reason, but it definitely made me extremely shy and wary of other people. In junior high I was constantly having obsessive thoughts about what people were thinking about me and saying about me behind my back. So it's not an easy question, but acne can definitely be a trigger of self-destructing behaviour.

OP, you have to get some help; maybe talk to your parents or maybe there's a youth centre with a counselor where you live? (sry i'm not from the US, don't know how things work around there). When I was your age, I really thought that I would never have a boyfriend or be happy or have a career or anything. But I got so much help from the local psyciatric centre for teens (called BUP here in Sweden), and medication (both for you depresson and/or anxiety and you acne!) and i am certain that you will too find the help you need.

Good luck OP and don't hesitate to share more!

Edited by kimmygibbler86

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Like I always say, I was there once too with bad acne and during those days I remember thinking to myself no matter where I looked, whoever I saw, NOBODY had bad acne on their faces. EVERYBODY WAS CLEAR and I was like wtf is going on here?!? I felt I stood out like a sore thumb and people weren't looking at me in a positive way BUT......it was all me. Honestly, this acne shit is common and everyone knows what it is so why kill yourself emotionally and ruin your life thinking you don't fit in? At the end of the day, the reason why you wouldn't fit in anywhere is because you are too busy transforming YOURSELF into an outcast by avoiding everyone and not making conversation. People willthink the acne is ugly, that's a given but not you! You can't control it, it's not your fault so build some confidence and show everyone the kind of person you are. I almost lost myself too once but I fought through and won. We only live once and it means a lot more when you're not miserable over something you have no control over. In time it does pass and today there are many things to maintain it, but stop killing yourselves for a cure and live your lives, you'll feel a lot better.

Oh and dont for a second think (oh well his face is clear now it's easy for him to say) trust me, back then I had acne REALLY FUCKIN BAD so I know what I'm talking about...I'm thankful it's clear now but it was a loooooooong time before it got better. Live your life to the fullest..Fuck the people who judge you, they got their own issues and that makes them uglier than acne.

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Your life sounds pretty similar to mine. I've always been pretty antisocial. Things just got worse at one point and it definitely wasn't solely because of acne. However, when my acne got worse things did get worse. I can't say things are much better in college. I was slightly optimistic after the first few days (very rare for me) but then things eventually just went downhill. I'm really reluctant to make any friends. The friends I've made have already hurt me emotionally.

Some advice on getting over the guy: make sure you don't go to the same college as him. You'll meet somebody new to obsess over but hopefully they won't be the wrong person.

I hate when people stare at me too. I usually can't sit in a public place by myself for a long time unless there aren't a lot of people around. I didn't used to be like this it has only gotten progressively worse. The worst part is nobody knows. When you get to college nobody knows who you are so it's really up to you to leave your mark. If you're going to have massive anxiety all the time (like me) you will eventually get labeled and it sucks. I try not to worry about it though since I don't have to live on campus and therefore get some freedom from it all.

WOW. yah our lives really are similiar. i have the same issues in regards to friends hurting me emotionally.. all my " Friends" or rather girls in my class just use me for work or think i am inferior because i don't have many friends nor do i interact with a wide range of other people ( only with my best friend really).. but i'm the type of person who would rather be lonely than be with fake people. and yeah i am unhealthily obsessed over that guy even though he is known for being a manwhore but he keeps screwing with my head and texting me saying he misses me, even though i see him with different girls. he was my first " love" or boyfriend really and after him i just didn't have the courage to date anymore or move on. :S

yeah i don't like it when people sit too close to me or stare at me. for example, this girl in one of my classes that is a friend of a friend and is always there with our mutual friend , she's ALWAYS staring at me in a disgusted way and when i role my eyes she goes " Whats wrong?" like WTFFF.. you are glaring at me when you already know i have self- esteem issues. and my anxiety issues are so bad that i yelled at this girl once when she asked me for work and told her " Why don't you ever do your work yourself and expect me to give it to you all the time?". so now i just ignore her which has affected my friendship with our mutual friend... but yeahh i don't care. i think i will always have massive anxiety, it's always been there so i doubt that the day i enter university it will just dissapear and i'll be normal :lol:

and i refuse to go on medication.. i might opt for councelling but thats it.

but thanks for the advice. its good to know there are others like me. i really haven't met anyone with anxiety issues that are obvious like mine so i really thought i was losing my mind. :D

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Like I always say, I was there once too with bad acne and during those days I remember thinking to myself no matter where I looked, whoever I saw, NOBODY had bad acne on their faces. EVERYBODY WAS CLEAR and I was like wtf is going on here?!? I felt I stood out like a sore thumb and people weren't looking at me in a positive way BUT......it was all me. Honestly, this acne shit is common and everyone knows what it is so why kill yourself emotionally and ruin your life thinking you don't fit in? At the end of the day, the reason why you wouldn't fit in anywhere is because you are too busy transforming YOURSELF into an outcast by avoiding everyone and not making conversation. People willthink the acne is ugly, that's a given but not you! You can't control it, it's not your fault so build some confidence and show everyone the kind of person you are. I almost lost myself too once but I fought through and won. We only live once and it means a lot more when you're not miserable over something you have no control over. In time it does pass and today there are many things to maintain it, but stop killing yourselves for a cure and live your lives, you'll feel a lot better.

Oh and dont for a second think (oh well his face is clear now it's easy for him to say) trust me, back then I had acne REALLY FUCKIN BAD so I know what I'm talking about...I'm thankful it's clear now but it was a loooooooong time before it got better. Live your life to the fullest..Fuck the people who judge you, they got their own issues and that makes them uglier than acne.

yeah you are right about the part where i am the cause of my inability to fit anywhere... it's a habit now that will take a lot of stepping out of my shell to change.

thank you for your advice, i will take it into heart. =]

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I agree I feel like some people just use me for taking my work also. I'm really a pushover so I don't know what to do in those situations. It's annoying but people don't realize they are hurting you, they are just being selfish.

If you put yourself in the shoes of others it's easier to understand why other people look at life differently than you do. People without acne have never experienced it so they don't know that you feel self-conscious about it. They also don't know about any anxiety that you experience and this is why they would react oddly if you express it. I've heard people making fun of others with acne openly in front of me. They just do it because it's just like any other physical abnormality such as weight, height, skin color, etc. Anything somebody considers "odd" in their eyes opens a door for them to comment on it (often because of their subconscious mind and their own self-consciousness). Like I said though, I didn't even know people with acne suffered from all of these psychological problems. I didn't even notice my problems were significantly connected to acne. It's hard for people who haven't experienced it to understand and take it seriously.

Also, as far as anxiety goes, it's hard to realize how selfish it is to think that people are always looking at me and talking about me. Obviously people have better things to do than focus on me. I don't know why I think they do focus on me but it seems so ridiculous when you think about it. If you relax and take a look around, you'll notice people actually aren't looking at or making jokes about you. If they are they are probably idiots with nothing better to do with their lives than make jokes about someone. I find it totally uncalled for and immature when somebody is talking to me and they make a joke about what somebody is wearing/looks like around us. It's hard to except that not everybody looks at the world the same way. Everybody has a different view and it will be harder to understand everyone the more introverted you become. I'm hoping I won't have any problems with anxiety eventually because it's really ridiculous of me to think those thoughts. I know they just stem from being self-conscious and feeling out of control in my own life. Hopefully I will find some balance and I hope you can too.

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I blame this all on acne... but my biggest fear is that it's not acne.. it's something bigger. it's me = ' [

I have a hard time maintaining relationships with ANYONE. parents, friends, even best friend etc.

I feel alone in this world.

Thank you so much OP. I was gonig to start a new thread expressing how I feel right now, but I cant because of my inability to write a good one (I dont speak english) that gave me more hard-feelings. You however wrote everything I need to say, so thank you.

It's always me, and the way I look. It keeps me from maintaining relationships with anyone. I dont remember how to interact with people now, how to greet an old friend or stuff like that.

I'm so lonely. I got noone to love/care about me. My biggest fear is to end up alone and I think I'm heading to it now :(

Why am I different from other happy orgers here? I never know why happiness is so hard to pursuit..

I wish you get better OP :)

Edited by Kento

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Choosing to avoid the one thing that will help you most is very very short-sighted. You really do need counseling and maybe even some medications. Do realize that the brain is actually physical. The problems with the brain and its neurotransmitters are real physical problems, they're not 'just in your head'. Your brain is the signal point and the reason for your being and the biggest explanation of who you are. If it's broken, it can be helped out a lot with counseling and/or medication.

Don't put it off and let the problem get worse. Untreated illness of the brain only get worse and worse until they affect your very activities of daily living and enjoyment of every thing, everything completely.

I completely agree. A very wise post :)

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Same here. Im still in my high school life ( only got 2 years left and acne has gotten in most of my high school life i spent. For the last high school moment i wish to be free and be me but with acne right in my face itrs hard to move on. Everybody in their life has something that makes them ugly be it acne , disfigured nose, hairy face or worse a hole in your face that could be fatal for you. I make a big deal of my acne that is not much compared to others suffering with it too yet i make it into a big deal. My dad and step mom mostly dont care but my mom is always on my back so i feel like she doesn't like me with acne. I also worry about my future because of the shyness and anxiety i developed now how will i be after my acne clears? I'll probably find another flaw that will affect me greatly. Like you i ignore people my ages. If i see them i go somewhere else to ignore it. And i hate doing that. I dont want to be judged. Hopefully i want to break my shell and just walk and smile. We all live through some flaw the best thing is to accept it and walk(trust me im where u r )

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I blame this all on acne... but my biggest fear is that it's not acne.. it's something bigger. it's me = ' [

I have a hard time maintaining relationships with ANYONE. parents, friends, even best friend etc.

I feel alone in this world.

Thank you so much OP. I was gonig to start a new thread expressing how I feel right now, but I cant because of my inability to write a good one (I dont speak english) that gave me more hard-feelings. You however wrote everything I need to say, so thank you.

It's always me, and the way I look. It keeps me from maintaining relationships with anyone. I dont remember how to interact with people now, how to greet an old friend or stuff like that.

I'm so lonely. I got noone to love/care about me. My biggest fear is to end up alone and I think I'm heading to it now :(

Why am I different from other happy orgers here? I never know why happiness is so hard to pursuit..

I wish you get better OP :)

yeah it is VERY difficult to live like this , i can really understand. & also, people take offence to this negative and unsocial behaviour when in reality its us and not them. In the end, we have every right to feel lonely because nobody else understands the extent of our sadness and our problems. I used to be moderately religious and believed that good things will happen to good people, bad things to bad etc but now i understand the meaning of " Life is not fair." The people i interact with everyday tell me i have mood swings, i'm hate the world, or ask me if i am mad at them.. and i just say " That's life." All i will say is, don't lose hope. i am really scared that i will get stuck in this mind frame and become a completely different person due to my acne, because every day my mind is deteriorating and the only thing keeping me alive and giving me hope is trying new things, etc to get rid of the acne, etc. keep persevering and seriously don't give up or you might end up losing yourself and permanently losing the quality of your life.

thanks Kento i hope you get better too. :)

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