Jump to content
Acne.org
Search In
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
Sanderella24

I'm creating my own nightmare.

I've had acne ever since I was 12 years old. It progressively got worse. High school was moderate and then out of High school I would say it was still moderate but a little worse. Not severe. It was never severe. In fact, everyone that I talk to always says I never thought you had that bad of skin. In my mind I did.

To note. I was smoking in High school. Not taking care of myself inside and out. I was not on any form of topical or antibiotics. I kinda just gave up. And I was not taking care of my bowels... which I think is a huge factor when it comes to acne (for me at least).

I just suffer from this state of mind where I truly believe that one day all of the sudden my acne will just return. Out of nowhere. I know, mind over matter. If you're negative.... and you put that energy out there... sometimes it can most definitely come true. I just can't begin to explain the way I feel most of the time. Some days I'm like man My skin is seriously fantastic. And other days, even if it's a tiny pimple I start to think it's the calm before the storm. I'm addicted to skin care to the point where I think it's unhealthy.

I feel bad for eating a hint of chocolate that is lower than 70%. I feel horrible having a piece of toast. Or a chip. Because I think it will cause me to break out. When in fact, most of the time it doesn't. I feel horrible for wearing make up every couple months. The list could go on and on and on. When I fail to meet my expectations I feel I complete failure. Almost like a cocaine addict.

I'm stressed today for countless reasons. And my skin, to be quite honest. Is not bad at all. I'm getting my period. Getting off the pill. And today I did not have a regular bowel movement and I'm subconsciously freaking out. I surround myself with negative thinking and it's taking over me. I can't live my life. My life is constantly revolving around my skin. I won't stand in front of the oven when opening the door to cook something because I think the heat coming out will sink into my pores and eventually clog them. Or I won't stand next to somebody who smokes cigs. Or I have to immediately shower after the gym because I FREAK OUT it will cause a break out. I don't know. What I'm doing seems to be working. But it's a constant freaking battle.

I don't know. I'm not 17 years old anymore. I need to get over this. I just don't know how. I need to do some self talk exercises. Or write. Something. I don't know what it is. But there is some underline factor causing this bullshit mentality. Why do I associate the feeling of getting one pimple with failure? Why do I think that one tiny pimple is going to suddenly make me look ugly?

I almost think that I'm scared to just be happy. Like I don't deserve it.

Feel free to comment. Don't hold back. If i'm being a whiny little brat. It's okay. Tell it like it is ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I went 8 years w/o a breakout but it was always in the back of my mind. When I went on accutane 4 the 2nd time 8 yrs ago I asked the derm how many people have to take it for a 3rd....she said "only a handful".....my reply in my head.......I'm probably gonna be in that handful.

Here I am........yrs later battling the worst I've had yet......going off bc I knew the risk.....the fear was always there.

Sometimes we do get what we wish for.....the sad reality is that when u put anything out there....the universe doesn't know the diff & will end up giving u what u focus on.

Have u thought u might have a mild case of ocd? I know my acne causes me to obsessed...but j also have a mold case of ocd to boot.

If I knew then what I know now u would have cherished my clear s

skin & took better care of it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I definitely think I have ocd. But I'm not not cherishing it. Fear is just running my life. I know my skin is better than it was when I was younger. I just need to overcome this fear.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You are aware that your thinking pattern has to change and that is very good.

Writing a journal of your feelings can be a good step. It helps get some of that anxiety out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

seeing someone is a good idea too. a counselor. thats what i do. but i still have the obession like u do. im ALWAYS thinking about my skin. im obsessed with finding new products, reading reviews, buying skincare supplies, etc. or if im not home or at school or work im always thinking it then and thinking about the next time ill be able to go to the mirror to look at it. or obsessing/freaking out when i wake up or take my makeup off to see if any new breakouts popped out. or im scared that this product will break me out and i constantly have anxiety about that. ahaha. but some days are better than others. its ALWAYS in the back of my head 24/7 but some days i tend to shove it aside and other days its pulled out and its takes over. (thats the majority of the time..)

i think that...well at least in my case, ill get over this when my skin gets better (which hopefully this second course of tane will) i know ill still think about my skin and be consistent with my routine but it wont take over my thoughts every minute and i wont obsess. but until then... FOR ME, its hard not to do it. but my counselor helped me with alot of other stuff (anxiety in general, sleeping issues, etc) its worth a shot.

other than that, i guess keeping busy is a good thing. a hobby or project to keep u procuppied. or setting aside a certain time once a day to write down ur thoughts on ur skin so that u only let it out then and dont think about it all day

ur not alone!

Edited by X3Kell3X

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's definitely hard to not think of.....but if you're familiar w/ the law of attraction (sorry to get "spiritual" on here).....if you constantly think of "acne"....that is what you'll end up getting.....

I truly believe this because 8 years w/ perfectly clear skin......but underlying fear of it coming back......and what happened...it came back 10 fold.

So now.....I try my VERY hardest to just think of what I WANT to happen.....and instead of saying "acne please go away".... I just focus on having "clear, smooth, flawless skin"......

I can't let this shit consume me anymore......and arguing w/ reality is futile because I will NEVER win!

good luck to us all!!!!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No I totally know what you mean. That's what I was saying. When I put negative energy out there negative energy will be returned. My skin isn't even bad. I'd say it's pretty fantastic. My fear of returning to it's state when I was in high school is what plagues me. I just need to be happy that I'm happy. Like I do deserve good skin once and for all. Who would of thought that someone would need to allow themselves to be happy? Jeez a loob. I craz.

That's it. My good skin is mine. I worked for it very hard. I deserve it. And it will stay this way if I believe it will stay this way.

I'm Done. Over it. Surrounding myself with happy thoughts.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know EXACTLY what you mean.... not thinking you "deserve" something good..... I'm w/ an awesome man right now and have a tendency to want to try and sabotage a good thing like I don't deserve it.......

It's called learning to love ourselves now....in this moment.....no exceptions!!!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Right on! Seriously. I'm over it. I'm allowing myself to be happy. After I wrote that... all day I've been feeling good and suddenly.... everything is good.

Our perceptions are totally warped. We create our own realities. It's seriously fantastic and insane at the same time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Personalized Advice Quiz - All of Acne.org in just a few minutes


×