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Not any more. Heartbroken over acne that is.

It's been a good while since i last blogged or wrote a message on acne.org. Looking back at my last blog, I was in quite a different place to where I am now. Do I still have pimples? yes. Do I still feel lonely? for the vast majority of the time no. am i more at one with my skin and diet? yes. Am I sure enough of myself to stand up for myself when I need to and do I recognise why I am not close and I don't have extensive conversations with a lot of people? yes.

So, what have I learnt? things got worse. a lot worse. all relationships/ friendships got very black. I had depression, as suggested by a uni counsellor. My eating habits had become controlled to a very unnatural state for me in my great attempts to 'cure' my acne. I became too thin and too obsessed with what i was and wasn't eating, how it would affect my hormones, what the protein/fat/carb ratio was, how acidic/alkaline it was, the proper essntail fatty acid ratio, gylcemic load, glycemic index. you name it. i did it. i researched it. I developed binge eating disorder in my attempt to rectify my limited eating habits and diet by eating more, as a very close friend insisted adimently that I must. I would tear down my sides by eating too much and be in great pain. And I would do it over again in the same day because I couldn't help it.

Now, I eat lots of pears, apples, red grapes, bananas because i like these fruits and they have so many of the vital vitamins the body needs, in natural form. I guzzle a lot of mineral water. Not obsessively, just instead ogf tap water and to proerly hydrate myself. Tap water is too hard in my area and does not contain good mineral levels. I eat salad with meals, i eat proper meals. That's right, I just had a proper plate full of spaghetti bolognese, made by my boyfriend. I'm not at uni anymore. It's not about acheiving. being the best I can be. It's about being happy and feeling my way through life. Feeling what is right for me, what agrees with my gut instinct. I finished uni in terms of my degree. I graduated. I enrolled onto a funded masters and PhD course. That was when things reached their worst. I left this course with depression, an eating disorder. I was having panic attacks.

Don't get me wrong. If I have a big row with my boyfriend and it turns very nasty on his part. And he's been my boyfrined a great deal since I was 15. If he says find somewhere else to sleep tomorrow. If he says vindictive things and I feel like my world has been whipped from beneath my feet I still find it hard to breathe and cry for half the night. But most of the time I'm okay now. Yes I might call Samaritans once every few months for support, and latley I did restrict my diet variety by eating only fruit, egg yolk raw, raw fish and sweet potato olive oil, slads. with one meal allowed that was junky/fatty. But it lasted a week or two. I learnt more about nutrition and it didn't become too extreme.

Currently, I am abstaining from using any cosmetics other than my toothbrush, a natural toothpaste, a deoderant, a natural bore bristle brush and very very occasionally the natural pure essentail oils I work with where I work- the ones that are reccommended for oily skin/acne. This is just for the instances that my skin has really bugged me and I have picked and squeezed and it is feeling raw. I put these on to just soothe and make me feel calm and to leave my skin alone for the rest of the day. My use of these is getting more and more infrequent. I know that my skin doesn't like anything on it at all from my use of these when I've had a stiff neck/cold/achey shoulders and have put the oils on my neck and shoulder area, and from using body moisturisers/shower gels. So I use nothing at all on my skin almost all the time. I#m becoming more at one with my skin. I've noticed that spots don't just pop up because of something I've eaten, and it was always such a massive puzzle to me before. They come up because my skin is generally extremely damaged. When I look closely when I scrutinise (which I avoid and do a whole lot less these days), I can see all the blocked pores, the underneath layers must be very damaged. The longer I do not use cosmetics for, the better my skin gets. Not using make-up helps to not srutinise over my skin, as I'm not focusing on the superficial appearance of my face. The first time I ever noticed a spot in my early teens, it was due to a moisturiser my Mum had given me that didn't agree with her skin. Looking back and from things she has said, I understand that she went through a lot of different moisturisers because she found they gave her spots, which she didn't get when she didn't use a moisturiser. She said when she was younger she would not use a moisturiser for this reason. She has never suffered acne.

So I wear my glasses, no make-up, I rinse my skin with my mineral water if I am desperate for refreshment, and I wear high shoes and very smart elegant clothes when I want to feel great. The key really is to have someone, it can just be one person, who loves you for you and cares truely about what is best for you. It makes it much much easier to put yourself first and it helps self-conciousness and the judgement of others to fade into the background more. My glasses are delicate; they suit my face as I have very delicate features, and actually they're not in great shape but we can't find any that suit me more. Does it matter? They do the job , they suit me the most, my eyes don't get tired like they do with contact lenses, and really there's no ruch or being highly strung because anybody who cares that I wear glasses and no make-up doesn't really matter.

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