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First of all, I would like to say that i appreciate any feedback from the community, and thank you for your time and if you read this.

I am posting in hopes of meeting someone who understands me and what I am going through, and to help anyone who doesn't understand.

I am a 19 year old female, married this summer, I have a lovely house, a wonderful nanny job, great friends and family, and yet, I am completely miserable.

I am an acne sufferer of 5 years, it has given me no self confidence, caused to me compare myself to everyone, i have severe anxiety, i pick at myself constantly, and it has ruined me.

My family and friends are concerned about me, the past 6 months i have pushed people away, i make up excuses for not going to see them, i spend days in bed, pretending everything is ok. I don't like pushing them away, i dont like not going places and living my life, but at the same time, i feel like it is better than constantly worrying if people are staring at my deformities, and thinking, wow, i feel bad her skin is so bad, or the constant urge to cover my face, which i do so with my hair, or hand if i am in public, at home i just cover my face with a blanket. It's just so stressful, i feel that it's easier to just stay home.

Hating my acne and face has led to me hiding from everyone, picking at my skin whenever i see a mirror, or just when i am watching tv or anything, i feel my face and feel the scabs and boils and just can't help but start picking it or popping it,

i think i feel that i should do something about it, like when i get rid of all the visible black heads, (or at least as many as i can) i feel better, like oh yay they are gone, my skin is a completely disturbed looking, red inflamed and bloody but at least i feel like the anxiety is a little bit gone.

I also know that i am ugly, the boils of course make me ugly, but im also just not a pretty girl.

I have always thought i was uglier than every other girl i saw, even though i am not overweight, i still know that my stomach isnt as skinny as i would like it to be, this is why i tend to make myself throw up every once in a while.

i also have a phobia of picture taking, i will not let anyone take a picture of me, if they do i freak out, and cry,

i hate seeing pictures of me because i look deformed, i look like a boil faced freak with a hunch back, and i walk knock kneed.

i hate the way i look sooo much,

When it was really at it's worst and i wouldn't leave the house for weeks, picked my skin every chance i got, screamed and cried all day long because i couldn't take another day and took it out on my husband, saying how he wants every girl, and he could never love someone as ugly and deformed as me, ignored everyone i knew, stopped working, hid under the covers , made myself throw up three times a day +

i realized i needed to get help

so i let my husband make me an appt with a reg doctor who precsribed me zoloft, an anti depressant, for my anxiety, ocd like symptoms, and depression, i noticed i felt better after taking it for a week, even though normally your body doesnt show improvement for like three weeks, i think it was because i was on such a high dose, 150 mg,

i took it for over a month, and thought, hmmm i think i dont need to take it anymore,

because, i had stopped having panic attacks, crying all day and picking my skin, but i just thought i should get off it because it isn't good to be on those kinds of meds, and because it made me feel emotionless, i didn't cry once while i was on it.

i didn't like it!

but now that it has been over a month since i have been off it, and its just like it was before and im hiding and abusing myself, i wonder if it is worth it to go back on them??? i know i really dont want to, but i also dont want everyone to hate me anymore.... i hate myself, and how i am acting, because, i just want to make everyone happy, i know deep down that looks dont matter, but everytime i try to get ready or look in the mirror, panic strikes and i can't deal with it.

i just want to know if anyone else feels this way and if they have any ideas on what i should do?

i am hesitant to see a counselor or anyone like that, because, i feel like they will just make me feel worse, like i dont want to talk about my acne, i just want to hide.

i know this was so long, i lost track of what i was writing, it probably doesnt make any sense, and i probably forgot to mention important details,

i just cant think straight,

thank you

forgot to mention,

i have been to numerous doctors for my skin, tried three different anti biotics, several topic gels, creams, proactive, murad, chemical peels, micro, birth control and other things.

right now i do nothing special to my skin, and i just wash it at night,

i find that harsh products make it worse...

Edited by boilgirl:(

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im so sorry for what your going through. Medication can definatly help. BUT its really best for it to be paired with a counselor or someone professional u can talk to. I think its in your best interest to see a counselor as soon as you can. He/She is not going to judge you or put you down, but they are going to bring some of these things out so that you can face them, grow, and move on. Really, its important that you see someone as soon as possible.

I hope it works out for you! and everyones here to support u!

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you are going through a lot!

you have done your best thus far, and thats good enough :)

things will get better, i promise :) it might take a while, but they do

I am worried that you mentioned that you made yourself throw up. After dealing with my eating disorder for 11 years, I now know that the therapy to treat it is very specific, and that treatment was necessary. Not therapy once a week, like i went to a different town for treatment. It really changed my life, how i dealt with emotions, etc. Not that I am accusing you of having an ED, but if you need help for it, by all means you don't need to be ashamed and you are worth the effort to get better :)

acne aside, it seems as if you are dealing with some intense feelings. know that that is ok, and that by feeling them, we can start to make decisions on how to get help, and for our friends and family to connect with and help us. For this past year i did my best to hide my feelings of depression, and just smile in front of my family. I thought that they never cared. It was only by going to treatment, and feeling EVERYTHING in a controlled enviroment, that i could learn to sit with myself. Ironically, by crying on my aunts couch during a family lunch ( i was in the other room...) really inspired her to reach out, and help me and reassure that i will be ok. She never really talked to me before that. ( we also had a lengthy talk about anti-depressants, and how thats ok, too. we are all doing our best and need help sometimes )

okay onto the acne :)

its great that you have given up on the products that you know in your heart dont work! definitely took me forever.

I had baaaaaaaad acne in high school, and then it cleared up in college when i started to use 'normal people' skin care. It was kinda like "eff the acne products i want something that smells good." So i bought a bunch of the BeFine skin products and my acne slowly went away. still wore makeup, but at least it set better on my face.

Then i switched to philosophy hope in a jar with the purity cleanser (along with mineral makeup) and had the best skin ever!

except now this past year when i have finally started to tackle the eating disorder i started to break out all over again. At first i blamed it on the water ( i moved from albany, ny, to buffalo) but i think its cause i started using different products. After proactiv, murad, and scarring (...) i have gone the au natural route (jojoba oil and the like) but will probably go back to the philosophy.

eep this is long!!!! but i really hope that its helpful

as far as the picking....believe me i have been there!!! it can be a release at times...but boy does it make you feel horrible afterwards. Ironically the fewer pimples i have, the less i want to pick....so whatevs. If i take the time to disenfect the pimple with rubbing alcohol, and take a needle, and lance it (pop t from the side) then i usually feel better about myself. But then again my weapon of choice is tweezers and metal things so i usually try not to do it. an idea, tho.....

The intense picking, though, was partly emotional for me. In those situations I really need to encourage myself to just FEEL, and then journal, or do something gently distracting. like just zone out, really. its usually at those times that i need to let myself feel sad, and not push myself to be 'happy'

I hope that this wasn't too much. I really hope that i can help in any way.

peace,

katie

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i understand! acne has caused me to be a recluse and isolate from the world/killed sex life too; but going to the derm and getting on acanya & retin-a micro is helping me slowly but surely! go to another derm- get referrals/yelp posts for ur area because u should get improvements from a good/understanding/patient dr. they do exist! also maybe an endocrinologist could help to check ur hormones? i need to see one cause i know my acne is hormone related....good luck! u are not alone! also i suffer from anxiety/ocd and i know stress/anxiety causes my acne too so i'm looking to practice more meditation/relaxing exercises; gave up caffeine & nicotine so as to help that as well :dance:

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Hi boilgirl

I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. You've had a lot of major changes (positive and negative) for someone only 19 yrs old so it's very understandable that you're feeling messed up right now! You won't always feel this way but right now everything is overwhelming.

I'd encourage you to talk with a therapist who specializes in OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)...they really understand the pain and feelings of hopelessness and believe me - they've heard it all so there's no reason to feel embarrased about your situation. In fact, your situation is very normal for someone who's dealing with feeling out of control.

Medications like you were taking are not all that bad. It can be very very helpful to take them for a couple of years while you get accustomed to all the changes in your life (ie marriage, growing up, finding your way in the world, etc.). Once your life is feeling more stable then a good therapist will oversee you weaning slowly off of the medication while your own body adjusts and you are already using techniques to deal better with stress.

You can do a "no medication" approach but that works only if you get a team of doctors who will work together to help you get over this hump. A good team would be your regular doctor, a therapist and your dermatologist. Each one will take care of a different part of the issue. Your regular doctor will do blood tests and make sure you are as healthy as can be. He/she may recommend a nutritionist so you have the optimal diet. You may be tested for allergies as these can also mess things up physically and emotionally. The regular doctor may run tests for hormonal irregularities that can also wreak havoc with the body. The regular doctor will work with your OB/GYN on these issues. The therapist will provide you with a safe place every week to let out your pent up thoughts and feelings. You may have to go to one or two before finding the one that you feel most comfortable with. This is totally normal to do and therapists understand how important this is! Your dermatologist needs to know you are seeing these other two doctors and be able to talk with them. At age 19 he/she will need to coordinate with the regular doctor if hormones are used. You may have extremely sensitive skin and this is important to communicate. At 19 the derms have a tendency to treat everything aggressively but this may not work for you. You may have to try one or two derms to find one who will really listen to you!

I know the above sounds like a huge challenge especially right now. What if you print this off and show it to your husband or a trusted close friend or parent who can help you navigate getting these professionals in place? There's no shame in that...we've all had low points - believe me - and the people who care about us want to help us.

I think the main thing I want to say is that trying to address these issues by only taking medication...or by only seeing your regular doctor...etc., won't work. At least for most people it wouldn't work. It takes a multi-prong approach...so that you have a team working for you and you feel safe through the process of making changes that will make your life better in the long run.

I say all this from experience. When I finally decided to really approach my problems and not hide from them, my life started changing for the better. It's not perfect but nobody's life is perfect. You already have some of the pieces in place...you have a husband and a family who love you. Yes, they are concerned for you but being concerned shows they love you. Think about it...if you had a friend who was very sad and feeling overwhelmed and ugly, would you love her more or reject her?

Keep in touch with how it all goes...

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