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deus_ex

Just... tired of fighting, you know?

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Hey there! I'm not really expecting anyone to read all this, nor that I'm going to get any real replies... or that anyone will really care for that matter... but what the heck. Wall of text warning... but it would really make me happy if someone were to hear me out.

Well, to put it shortly, I'm just really struck with a sense of hopelessness nowadays about my whole skin situation. I mean, it's not like I'm really covered in pimples anymore, it's not that I'm afraid to outside, but I do have my blemishes and it's still something I struggle with on a daily basis. I guess I judge myself a bit harshly, since a lot of people insist that my skin looks fine. But there's just a part of me that's just so tired about having to deal with this. Wake up, look at my skin, rinse, treat, repeat.

I guess it all has to do with my background of insecurity as a kid (not caused by acne, mind you). Since then, I've always struggled with a negative body image, regardless of the cause (teeth and body shape have been other causes in the past). In recent years though, acne has been one of my major "flaws", you could say, which seems to be a recurring insecurity.

I've always tried to tackle life's various problems with humour. I guess it's something I've developed over the years. At first I did the same with my acne. I kind of laughed it off, and while I still felt kind of bad about it, I never really got to the point of real depression.

I was prescribed Tetralysal, which has helped to a pretty decent amount. But everytime I've stopped taking it, the acne has returned. Now, close to three years later, I've been on the antibiotics on and off. The longest I've been on them consecutively has been since last year's spring, until now. And my dermatologist is kind of urging me to at least try stop taking them, and seeing what happens.

The problem is... for the first time, I'm scared. I guess I've had the problem long enough for me to just want to make it go away forever, and the prospect of having to deal with that much acne again is to me just... mind-boggling, I guess. I suppose I've just gotten so used to my current situation that anything worse than this is just unbearable for me. And that's why I don't know what to do. Over the last few months it feels like I've become a different person, someone whose looks I'm starting to actually enjoy. And that's why the prospect of going back to my 'previous' state is so terrifying.

I know I'm kind of whining/ranting, and that there are a lot of people worse off than me, but... yeah. It just feels like I've climbed Mount Everest, only to find I'm at the foot of an even higher slope. I feel like I can't progress in my life until I deal with this problem once and for all... *sigh*

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This reminds me of the story of the guy that went from publisher to publisher getting rejected over and over again on his book idea. His book idea was of chaos in the middle of nowhere among kids. These kids would go on to become inhuman and push the limits of human compassion. 20 publishers rejected it and he nearly gave up. On the 21st publisher the book finally got accepted. That book would go on to sell millions of copies worldwide for the next 50+ years and be in nearly every academic hs program in the US.

That book was Lord of the Flies by William Golding.

Sometimes you gotta fight one more day to see the pay off. Imagine if Golding gave up after the first 20 publishers rejected him.

:genius:

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Wow, i would be scared too. But you cant take the pills for forever, you know? Eventually your gonna have to stop, and i'd do it sooner rather then later, because in a year or so your gonna wish you stopped now. Just see what happens once your off of them, be sure to still take good care of your skin, and if your acne worsens, see your derm again. I hope things go okay for you, best of luck! :)

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Thanks guys, I appreciate the support, really.

This reminds me of the story of the guy that went from publisher to publisher getting rejected over and over again on his book idea. His book idea was of chaos in the middle of nowhere among kids. These kids would go on to become inhuman and push the limits of human compassion. 20 publishers rejected it and he nearly gave up. On the 21st publisher the book finally got accepted. That book would go on to sell millions of copies worldwide for the next 50+ years and be in nearly every academic hs program in the US.

That book was Lord of the Flies by William Golding.

Sometimes you gotta fight one more day to see the pay off. Imagine if Golding gave up after the first 20 publishers rejected him.

:genius:

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But there's just a part of me that's just so tired about having to deal with this. Wake up, look at my skin, rinse, treat, repeat.

Tell me about it! 11 years worth of treating my acne and I really wish I could just fall asleep at night and not have to worry about my nightly skin regime. My acne is virtually non-existant at the moment (thanks to medication), but I still get little bits of crap here and there and I am very harsh on myself. What can we do? Just struggle on I suppose!

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Your fear of coming off antibiotics is understandable. One of my best girlfriends had to stop taking Accutane because it caused her heart rate to sky rocket. Fortunately, her acne did not return after she stopped the Accutane.

When I came off of antibiotics, my acne returned. Fortunately, my skin is now completely clear because of what I am using now. I cut and paste one of my blog posts so you can see the different antibiotics and products I've used. Hope this helps. Read my blog for more info.

2) age 19-23, started using Duac Topical Gel twice a day, and 100 mg of Adoxa (doxycycline) once a day (both prescribed by my dermatologist), and Cetaphil face wash. Within a month or two my face was completely clear.

3) age 23, my family physician told me to stop taking the Adoxa medication. She came to this conclusion after reviewing by blood tests. I had a low white blood cell count, and she said the doxycycline could have been the cause, also because this medication was not supposed to be used over a long period of time. I still continued using the duac topical gel.

4) age 23, a month or two after stopping the Adoxa, some acne returned. Skin wasn't pimple free, but still mild.

5) age 24, I started getting some cystic acne along my jawline. I sought advice from a different dermatologist, and at first she had me try various washes (Clenia, Brevoxyl, Benziq) and creams/gels (Klaron, Differin, Tretin-X, Duac). Her intention was to try fighting acne topically, before prescribing antibiotics.

6) age 24, my dermatologist saw that my skin was not clearing, so decided to have me try taking Adoxa again. She prescribed a higher dosage (150mg), that Adoxa had recently come out with. After a couple of months on Adoxa, Duac Topical gel, and Tretin-X, the acne did not dissipate.

7)age 24, She said that doxycycline tends to work better on teenagers, but now that I was in my mid-20's it was very likely my acne was hormone-related. She then recommended I try Yaz birth control. She preferred Yaz, because it was a BC especially known for clearing acne, and less water retention (weight gain).

8) age 25, I stopped taking the Adoxa, and started taking Yaz birth control, Benziq cleanser and duac topical gel. My skin was flawless 6 weeks later. I also got facials twice a month which dramatically improved the texture of my skin and had a healthy glow. I was able to use an organic oil blend to hydrate my face with no problems whatsoever. However, I did gain about 7 or 8 lbs., felt more anxious, and was always hungry because of the BC.

9) age 25, A little over three months after starting Yaz, breakouts starting coming back. Not a lot, the worst was a cluster of five blemishes on the side of my face. The little bit of acne I had on my back was clear. I wasn't sure if it was stress causing the breakouts, or that my body had adjusted to the Yaz, and it wasn't working as powerfully anymore.

10) age 25, Started seeing a lot of health warnings on television regarding Yaz. This concerned me, because the main reason I started taking birth control was for the acne only, not to prevent pregnancy. Since Yaz is advised to ONLY be taken to prevent pregnancy, and because of the weight gain, anxiety and feelings of constant hunger, I decided to stop taking the birth control.

11) age 25, two weeks after stopping birth control, my acne broke out worse than ever before (only on my face). I was totally shocked and embarrassed to be seen in public. Literally every pore on my face was covered with acne: whiteheads, red bumps and blackheads. Each day it was getting worse and worse. I was mad at myself for not reading more about the adverse effects after stopping birth control. Acne is a very common adverse effect, when women stop taking BC (9 out of 10 cases), and comes back worse than it was before taking it. Also, I have not had my period since stopping the pill. I talked with a nurse over the phone affiliated with Yaz, and he told me it takes some women 3-6 months to get their period back after stopping BC.

12) age 25, current: It has been 3 1/2 months since being off of Yaz. I contemplated going back on the BC to clear my skin, but I figured I was only prolonging the inevitable--that if I ever wanted to have a baby, I'd have to stop taking the pill and my acne would come back, and I was concerned the longer I take the BC, the more difficult it would be to re-balance my hormones.

I still have not gotten my period back, but my acne is getting A LOT better. I started doing the Regimen on Oct. 2, 2009. I am now at the beginning of week 4. I am so relieved that it is working. My results have followed the "what to expect" sheet exactly so far. I just started taking 80 mg of zinc, and fish oil daily.

13) age 25, I finally got my period! I am so relieved. This indicates my body is becoming more balanced again. I was almost at 4 months of not having a menstrual cycle.

14) age 26, READ MY MOST RECENT BLOG POST. SKIN IS COMPLETELY CLEAR without having to use antibiotics, hooray!

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Yup, I guess there's nothing left to do but keep fighting. One day it will hopefully get to a point where I'm not troubled by it anymore. Still, there are times where you have weaker moments and it feels good to vent.

@[email protected]: Glad you managed to get rid of the problem. In a way it's kind of inspiring because you prove that you can have the problem for many, many years, but still manage to get clear in the end.

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Thanks guys, I appreciate the support, really.

This reminds me of the story of the guy that went from publisher to publisher getting rejected over and over again on his book idea. His book idea was of chaos in the middle of nowhere among kids. These kids would go on to become inhuman and push the limits of human compassion. 20 publishers rejected it and he nearly gave up. On the 21st publisher the book finally got accepted. That book would go on to sell millions of copies worldwide for the next 50+ years and be in nearly every academic hs program in the US.

That book was Lord of the Flies by William Golding.

Sometimes you gotta fight one more day to see the pay off. Imagine if Golding gave up after the first 20 publishers rejected him.

:genius:

You know, I think that's a good mentality to have. You fall down seven times, you get up eight. (Even though logically, you would only need to actually get up 7 times... but you get the point. ;)...)

I constantly try to tell myself that it doesn't matter how many years I'm going to struggle with this, how many days I have to feel bad about myself and how many people will judge me because of it... I'm going to beat this once and for all, some day. And some day I will.

your attitude is awesome ;) like you said, you get back up bc it's so much more fulfilling than taking it without a fight.

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