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JAVIER1

My partner has sever Acne Scarring

Hello everyone

Im looking for some advice really. My partner (aged 40) of 5 months has extremely sever acne scarring in so far as it does make him look 10 years older as it resembles wrinkles. The night I met him it was the first thing I noticed. However he is extremely funny and confident and Im crazy about him. Ive noticed he doesnt like fotos but he never talks about it. I mean never. I dont ever bring up the subject either. Lately he as not been himself and is a bit depressed. I would love to help him but I feel that after 5 months together it would be insensitive to mention it. It may not have anything to do with it. What i want to know is, is it unusual for someone with this type of scarring to act as they have no scarring at all and do they suffer from depression? how should I go about helping him? I know there are plenty of treatments like lazor available but as he doesnt like talking about it where do i go from here?

Thanks in advance

Edited by JAVIER1

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In my meager 25 yrs of life experience, depression as a result of acne is one of the most stifling things I've ever had to conquer in life. I don't know what it is about it, but it constantly lingers in the depths of the brain. I started with mild acne, then later developed severe acne. This occurred 2x in my life and both times accutane cleared me right up. I've been clear for over a year now and I'm finally shaking off the side effects that came as a result of acne-induced depression. It's a long hard road kind of like any type of rehabilitation. You try and try to knock down this imaginary barrier that's holding you mind back but the more you struggle the more stuck you become, kind of like quick sand. You can go periods where you can suppress these feelings but they always come back. Eventually, the mind can usually articulate itself around this barrier but it takes a long time (atleast for me it did). I can say I've fully recovered, but i can't speak for everyone else in this world. Looks have a lot to do with how you feel and if you don't believe it then you're just naive. I'm no expert on what can be done for scarring but I"m sure if you googled cosmetic scar removal or things of that nature you might be able find something.

Edited by 03GT

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Trust me, he is well aware of his scarring. Especially if he ignores photo's a lot. But I'd just ignore it. It obviously didn't bother you when you first got together, so just ignore it. Bringing it up will only remind him that he has severe scarring and bring down his spirit.

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Just let him know you're there for him no matter what, and ix-nay on the ar-scay talk. If he wants to talk about it, he will, so follow his lead. By the way -- he's very lucky to have such a thoughtful partner!

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Yeah...let him bring it up if he ever does. You can always ask him simply whats bothering him, without actually mentioning the subject you had in mind.

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Thank you so much everyone for your replies and indept information. I can honestly say I have never even noticed acne scarring much before but yesterday we had some fotos taken with the family, I thought the ones with us came out really well and that we both looked great. However to my dismay he deleted all but 1 when we got back home. I reckon this is the problem, his hair has started to fall out now (what next) and he has started talking about it so I will just continue to support him and reassure him no matter what, thanks again guys Im in agreement about not mentioning the scarring think its for the best I mean hes not a child hel mention it when he wants to

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Javier, As you seem to be very understanding and he is obviously supressing his emotions, perhaps their is someway you can bring it up to him, it may make him feel better to get it off his chest. A lot happens to a guys self esteem especially when they hit the 40 mark (the realization they aren't as young as they used to be.) Perhaps you could say "honey, I noticed you deleted the picture that we were in and I thought we looked really good in it." Maybe this would get him talking. Obviously you are supportive, so you need to let him know you think he's good looking, keep telling him you enjoy his company, how well he does stuff, how he's special. This can help his mood and self esteem. As for scarring, Have you ever seen the results from Rosa Mosquetta and acne? It is amazing! Chilean Rose hip seed oil "Rosa Mosqueta" can heal scars like nothing I have ever seen. I have seen photos of a girl in a car accident and had a major scar across her whole face that was severe, the scar looks like nothing now after using rosa mosqueta. The only thing is it needs to be applied every night for about 30 days+ to see very obvious results and the other problem is if he is still breaking out it may not be a good choice. It is good for wrinkles too so maybe you could get some and use it around him and tell him about how great it is and see if he will start to use it. It will help his self esteem.

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Lately he as not been himself and is a bit depressed

I think its important that couples can talk freely to one another but yes, it is important to bare in mindthat certain subjects are sore points and should be handled with care.

You say he was confident when you met him and doesn't like to let acne hold him back... does not like to be a victim of the condition. Hats off to him for that. You must know him well so maybe you are right that it is the acne which is bringing him down... but as you say, maybe its something else.

You don't have to bring up the acne to talk to him about how he is feeling in general. You could just say that recently he has seemed depressed or just generally low recently and that you wondered if he has noticed this himself (some people don't realise their own mood changes). You could ask if he feels comfortable talking to you about whatever it is.

as long as he hears that you are not judging, or by the sound of this guy, that you are not pitying him he should take this well. Sounds like this person wants to look for what he CAN do about thigs, to be positive and proactive and have fun.

Remember, don't walk on eggshells or treat him like a victim. You sound very honest and caring, these must be qualities he values or he would not have chosen you as a partner, so remain honest and kind, be you, you sound like a lovely partner to have :)

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The fact that you've come here to understand what is going on with him shows how crazy you are about him. So I'll do my best to relay the psychology behind the thing.

1.) Odds are, he has lived with severe scarring for a couple of decades now. No amount of time makes a person comfortable with it. It only feels more absurd with age. His pretending it's not there is a survival mechanism; it's what gets him through the day and allows him to project confidence.

2.) Photos have a way of broadcasting imperfections to the individual in them. The image appears more sharp than looking in the mirror, and proves a nasty reminder. A good photo to him is one that doesn't detail the scarring. So, just for an instant, he can see himself without the curse he's been riddled with. You don't look at the photos with the scrutiny he does.

3.) Bouts of depression are normal. You said the scarring is the first thing you noticed about him. Imagine living every day of your life knowing that is the first thing everyone notices about you. And there is nothing you can do about it. It takes strength in character to go out there an make a splash with severe acne and/or scarring. Yet, you can't be at your best every day of the year. Other sources of stress make it extremely difficult. In other words: The scarring is unlikely to be the sole source, but it certainly contributes.

4.) His severe scarring is his dark secret. This sounds ridiculous since it's in plain sight. But that is how it is. If it is never brought to attention, then it's as though it doesn't exist.

The Approach:

You want him to feel comfortable with you. The last thing you want to do is tell him you're nuts about him DESPITE the scarring. To him that will sound like, "I'm not attracted to you, but I'm with you because you have a good personality." Bear in mind, he has a negative self-image as is and has a tendency to be overcritical. He needs to understand that you are attracted to him on all levels.

Otherwise, I can't make any recommendations on the how or when. This will be to your discretion. You know him and your relationship better than anyone here does. I wish you the best of luck.

Kind regards,

Edited by Golden Slumbers

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