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just getting all my thoughts out

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So I went to the orthodontist today and was told to look in the mirror while she showed me how to do elastics. This wouldn’t have been such a big deal had I not been hiding from real mirrors for quite a while. I didn’t look horrible, but I have this illusion of myself that is different from what I really look like. In the morning I only look at myself in the microwave (sad, I know) and in the evening, I put the bathroom light on the lowest dimmed setting possible. During the day, I look at myself through my phone because it blurs everything out, and I don’t have to see how I really appear to others. I got a glimpse of the truth today, and to be honest, I have to say I’m happy to know what I really look like. I’ve been lying to myself for quite a while and I was getting pretty sick of it. When I looked in the mirror, I looked red more than anything. Where I apply BP (nose, chin, between eyebrows) looked like a dry, red mess. I had thought for quite a while that if I didn’t see any bumps, the BP was a miracle cure. But this is not the case, and the redness looks just as bad as any acne would anyway. I’m kind of at a loss now, because I don’t really know what to do. I thought the BP was working, but it kinda makes everything look like shit. Neither my mom nor my dad had acne as teenagers, so I don’t know what genetics led me to have this problem.

Just a brief history: my brother got an Obaji acne kit last summer (I was 14 at the time), and although I had hardly any acne whatsoever, I wanted a kit too. I used it a bit, but it wasn’t really working, so I stopped using it. In the fall, I got some spots on my chin, and my mom told me to use her salicylic acid twice a day. This made everything a lot worse and I got really dry skin, but the spots kept coming. I tried stupid homemade masks that only made things even worse. I resorted to benzoyl peroxide, and I’ve been on and off this (the regimen) since early winter. I feel like if I just stop everything, my skin will go back to normal, but when I try this, I freak out and go back to BP.

I would love to just stop caring about my skin completely and let everything fade away, but I know it’s not that easy. I just want that whole aspect of my life to go away, and I want to be the happy kid I used to be again. I know I haven’t even had this problem for very long, but it’s changed me in so, so many ways. I look at my school picture from last year and can’t believe it’s the same person. I never washed my face or even thought about my skin, and my face remained completely spotless. I want that more than anything right now.

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