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so i just thought id share something that really got to me. and scared me beyond the realms of my own reality..

have you ever had a lucid dream? the kind of dream where you feel completely alive within your own subconscious. controlling your surroundings and doing what ever the hell you damn please?

i tend to have these often. i sleep countless hours of every waking day, and i begin to lucid dream anytime i allow myself to awake for only a moment, and then drift back off. usually after having slept for 12+ hours, any dreaming on top of that becomes very lucid in nature.

anyway the other night i had another lucid dream.. but this one was different.

it began just as any normal dream. i was unaware of my surroundings for the most part, and i had no idea i was dreaming. but then the realization hit. i knew that i was dreaming and yet i felt awake within my own world. instead of controlling things the way i wanted however, i just let the dream take its own path as i followed in its wonders. the world around me was so happy. people everywhere. holding hands. being together. just living life the way it's supposed to be lived.

at first i felt calm. i felt happy just being around so many people. but just as quickly as that feeling came, it was torn away from me and the world didnt seem quite so happy anymore. all the people were still around me. nothing had truly changed, but i just couldnt place what i was feeling. i felt so low. so lonely. so trapped within myself. i could see the happy looks on everyones faces but all i could do was cringe and shake at the thought of my own worthless life.

i wanted out of this reality. so i took control for what it was worth and made a change in my surroundings. it was at this point that i felt true loneliness.. i awakened within a large cage. completely alone. scared. i just wanted to wake up. i wanted it all to end. i felt so trapped and alone. i didnt think it could get worse. i remember getting down on my hands and knees and just begging for a way out.

when i opened my eyes from where i sat, i was suddenly in familiar surroundings. directly in the center of my room, i sat alone on the floor. for a moment everything that was my life had flashed before my eyes and there i was staring down the barrel of a gun. without even a moment of pause i gripped the gun with all my might and pulled the trigger..

so instantaneously there was nothing. just peace.. i felt one with everything, yet there was nothing. i felt peaceful bliss that couldnt exist. i felt absolutely disassociated from the world around me, but nothing could bring me down from that place.

before i knew it i awoke.. but i felt different. as if everything was truly dawning on me for the first time.. never in my life have i felt so low.. so worthless and disgraceful.. all i want is that feeling back. that feeling of calm peaceful tranquility.

and that scares me more than anything..

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suicide thread...

Sorry you feel this way :( But I have to say that no one has ever come back from the dead to tell us how it feels. It's not something anyone can accurately imagine it to be... For all we know we only get one chance at life. Don't waste it. You may feel like you'll never get over this but thats part of what life is about - its about overcoming struggles and obstacles. Not everyone gets everything handed to them on a silver platter. I suggest you talk it out with frends/ family/ or a therapist.

Edited by Alex_09
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Hi AomoriAkuma.

I am very sorry to hear that you are having a very hard time coping with your situation, but please check with a counselor on this issue.

While you may voice various issues at the Emotional And Psychological Effects Of Acne forum, we strongly feel this is not a suitable place to share suicidal thoughts with other members. We have instituted this policy due to past experiences with suicide threads attracting all sorts of hideously unsupportive and nasty behavior; not only that, no one here is equipped to deal with such a psychiatric emergency. You are welcome to elicit support on topics that do not touch on suicide in any way.

I strongly encourage you to seek a professional's assistance on this matter.

Information about professional assistance can be found here:

http://www.acne.org/messageboard/resources...lai-t16184.html

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