Jump to content
Acne.org
Search In
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
White

I felt like destroying something beautiful.

Recommended Posts

Sometimes i sit back and think. I reminisce about times that have past, the experiences ive had, the places ive been, the people ive met...both good and bad who have entered and exited my life like people walking in and out of an ever revolving door.

I cant get over the fact of what ive become. What reality is and what my perception of reality is are two different things. I see myself in a dark light, like im always wearing sunglasses.

I live in the past. I feel like im not even living...but merely existing. Each day passes, i can hardly even tell one from the other. The monotony is horrific. Im perpetually bored and disinterested in the world around me.

My worst fear has come true, im becoming apathetic. The thing is, ive had clear skin forever.. then it gradually become worse and worse (a story im sure most of you are familiar with). I withdrew from friends (not that it mattered my whole clique pretty much disintigrated after graduation anyway). The friends i do have left drink and smoke, like i once did.

On that note, i used to live THE LIFE frrom the ages of 14-17 ,I had money, friends, girls, parties, non stop social life, good looks, style, charisma, EVERYTHING. I smoked i drank i stayed up all hours of the night, i skipped washing my face, i ate anything anytime. NO worrys whatsoever.

Fast forward to senior year. I get massive anxiety attacks out of nowhere..go to therapy blabla and i eventually get over it and learn to control it. However, the anxiety caused me to quit using all substances and basically burn a ton of bridges with people i considered friend...

After i graduate i breakout with a big cyst.. no big deal but im freaking out. So i stop using my proactiv and go to the derm. Get retin a micro, fuck up my face and go on a quest for something to work. During this time my acne is getting worse and worse.

My life is following suit. I skip social gatherings, withdraw into my house, become very introspective...the fact that most of my friends have gone seperate ways makes this easier.. and the fact that i gave up all drugs and alcohol makes it even more easier. My interests have changed from partying and having a good time, to wondering when my next breakout or anxiety attack is going to be triggered.

Well now a year and a half later, anxiety is vanquished.. acne is still here. Recently had the worst breakout of my life. Im very bitter. The thing is im apparently still decent looking in the eyes of various females, however my insecurity holds me back. I am a huge flake. its so fucked up. Whenever i meet a chick, ill have one of my "relatively clear" periods.

Then all of a sudden ill breakout again and ill totally avoid contact. A girl will call to hang out or whatever and ill make some bullshit excuse because im too embarressed. It pisses me off. I just wish i was clear again and that i could regain the life i once had. My life sucks so much these days, i just think back to the times in my life when i was happy, which basically causes me to miss out on the present and whats going on now.

Im done ranting.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Acne isn't the problem, you are.

Although acne is what causes problems in yourself =\

But the only reason people might shy away from you is because of your attitude, your physical appearance has very little to do with it. Try and fight it mentally.

You should consider yourself VERY lucky you had a life in the ages between 13-17, because those are the years I had (have, i'm 17 now) acne, and from 13-16, they were completely shitty years, but i've "grown up" and don't give a shit about my acne anymore, I still have it, but now i'm controlling it, instead of it controlling me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Damn i thought id register after reading this coz i can relate to u so much man. I mean my story is exactly the same as urs. Just like you between.. well about 15-17 (im now 18) i was LIVING it! I seriously had all a guy wanted. I hung with a cool respected click, partied most weekends, got high and drunk most days, went out with a couple of hot chicks. Just living it. Everyday was like a adventure, i didnt know what i was going to do each day. I was just living in the moment, i didnt care about the future or anything. I was meeting new people nearly everyday just through my then best friend, who shotted weed. I didnt realise how great my life was then, but fuk ive realised now. Thing is during this time i had really really mild acne which was under control through antibiotics, so everything was good. So anyway that was my life between 15-17.

Now when i turned 17, things changed. The freaked up thing about this is.. that it all changed a week after i turned 17. I mean what the fuk! God is after me or what. The biggest reason things changed of course was coz of my acne. It reached to a moderate case, i was getting these fat up cysts for the first time in my life. I felt sick just looking at myself never mind showing myself to the world. I shut myself completely for a couple of months and my friends were like 'what the fuk is up with u nowadays' but i knew they knew it was coz of my acne as they did mention how shitty my acne was looking on the occasions i did go out. Couple of months on, my acne improved but i had a shit load of red marks so i still didnt feel any different at all. I was still shutting myself away from my friends. i cant explain how this period changed my life. I completely changed as a person, i basically turned into a pussy when before i was one confident mofo. I was highly respected by everyone in my area, everything was good. But then my friends lost respect for me coz of the pussy self i was being. i was just being such a sad depressed shit, they basically started treating me like shit then. And shit man just like you, i was day dreaming about all the good times i had. I used to just sit at home reminiscing about the little moments of the last 2 years, nearly 24/7. Everyday was the same. Waking up, having a shit, eating, reminiscing, fighting my acne, having a shit and sleeping. This for nearly a year.

Anyway this carried on for another couple of months into January, they were calling me out, trying to get me out of my house but i declined. They basically got tired of trying and i barely now see them. Yes i could of gone out and showed my face but my ego was too big for me to do that. From a good looking guy to a shitted by zits face. It was too much for me. I seriously rather have people from my area thinking i turned into a bum than them seeing my shitty looking acne.

Now its July and im 90% clear but still got a fair few amount of red marks. I could go back to my friends but i feel like this experience has hurt my rep too much for me to show myself again and i found it funny how from sucking my **** everyday they then lost complete respect for me just coz of my acne. I havent seen them for nearly 4 months and will not be calling for them, for sure.

Ive got a summer job now and will be starting off at college. College will now be a new start for me where i know i will meet a couple of new friends who are into the things i am. Im looking forward to the future now.

Wow i wrote one long story but yeh, damn man i can relate to you. I felt quite happy reading ur post lol, if u know what i mean coz i actually thought i was the only one possible whos life could have completely took a u-turn like this.

END OF MY STORY

Anyway dude, all i got to say is, try to get through this breakout and then just get your shit together and get a hold of your life. Set yourself some goals. This time last month even though i was clear, i was still depressed but this last month ive got a hold of myself and changed things. Got a summer job, started weight training. Im just getting ready for college now. A month can do a lot. Im starting to feel my old self again. And stop reminiscing man! Fuk the past! It was good but i have learnt to just forget about it and aim to get those times back. You can sit back in ur bed day dreaming about the days or you can get off and start living in the moment. Damn this is one long essay.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i felt like destroying something beautiful is from fight club when he beats the crap out of the blond guy

"I felt like putting a bullet between in the eyes of every panda that wouldn't screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all those French beaches I'd never see. I wanted to breathe smoke."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes its from fight club.

And Bell, wow we are so alike bro. It is fucked up how life and flip on you like that. You are totally right, i need to stop living in the past. Whats done is done, its ok to reminisce about old time every once in a while with a person you havent seen in a long time, but thinking about it everyday is bullshit.

White, maybe you got acne so you would stop doing drugs.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey,

I can totally relate to you white. But I gotten over the feeling of pity. Now I'm not afraid to deal with people that i used to be afraid of. Hey, if I'm dealing with the biggest challenge in my life or the biggest bully, I'm not going to let nobody else tear me up.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes its from fight club.

And Bell, wow we are so alike bro. It is fucked up how life and flip on you like that. You are totally right, i need to stop living in the past. Whats done is done, its ok to reminisce about old time every once in a while with a person you havent seen in a long time, but thinking about it everyday is bullshit.

White, maybe you got acne so you would stop doing drugs.

The funny thing is, i had totally quit drugs before i even got the acne. When i started breaking out again is when i started smoking weed again as an escape. Ive been clean for 7 months now almost, ive had maybe 3-4 mixed drinks total in that time period, and have smoked maybe 10 ciggarretes SOCIALLY (with a couple friends during a good conversation or whatever).

Its a nice way to look at it Emmanuel, but its not what caused it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anyway good luck with everythin man and just keep your head up. ive gotten thru my bad period but damn it was hard, you just got to hang in there and find the right solution. try dans regimen if u aint tried it, its workin well for me so far. oh and how did these anxiety attacks come up? was it from all the weed u smoked? thats mad man, ive never heard of that happen to anyone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ive also been working out alot too. The thing that burns my ass the most is that acne is holding me back from everything i want to do. Id like to get into showbusiness, acting etc. But having acne is stopping me from pursuing my dreams and it blows

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Personalized Advice Quiz - All of Acne.org in just a few minutes

×