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deletethisshit

I have hit bottom.

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I'm sorry everyone but I need to vent...

I cannot do this anymore. I cannot believe how ashamed I feel. These red marks literally rule my life and I hate it. I have had them for almost 2 years and finally decided to take action and seek a derm. I got my first V-Beam treatment last thursday, and since then thought I was slowly making progress. The red mark that wasn't to bruised was showing signs of fading a little everyday. Nothing dramatic, only something I could notice up close to a mirror, but something that gave me hope none the less. I've done everything since then, shower, shave, wash my face, and still my marks would appear to be fainter. I was so happy, every morning I would go check the mirror and feel SLIGHTLY better about my situation. I felt that V-Beam was helping and was so excited. Then yesterday morning came, my marks looking better, and I needed to shave. I shaved, and to my surprise, my mark looked even fainter up close (though it randomly seemed larger at the same time). I was pretty happy about this. Then as the day grew on, I noticed it would just look worse gradually. It was weird, when I would go close to the mirror in bathroom lighting, the difference between the marks and my skin tone seemed slight, but then I would step away from the mirror and be horrified. It was looking worse.

As the day went on I continued to do the things that normally help, washing my face or taking a shower, but none seemed to change the situation. I had friends coming over and became even angrier that this was happening. I tried putting some make up on the spots but it looked bad so I would wash it off and try again, I must have tried like 4 different times before I was content. So the night came and I did my thing and then as the night was over I went to the bathroom and my marks looked red even under the make up. I felt so shitty, and I took the make up off and obviously it was even worse. I went to bed pissed that this was how they were looking but hoped it would change by morning.

This morning came and they looked exactly as bad as last night, which made me nervous. I washed my face, worked out, showered, all things that usually get the blood flow going and tend to fade my marks for some reason. But no, today they look bad no matter what I do. I feel like all the progress and hope I was feeling in the past 7 days is for shit, and now I'm nervous something underneath has changed causing this to happen. I literally am so frustrated, sad, confused and defeated, and can't even look at myself in the mirror. It feels like someone took a fuckin' red sharpie and just dabbed 2 big splotches right on my left cheek. I feel like a monster, worthless, and that I can't do this any longer. I feel what hurts most is having it look better day then ever and feeling hope to being able to plunge into despair about how bad they look the next day and not being able to change it. Nothing I do is changing how shitty they look... I want to breakdown. If no one answers this or reads it it's fine, just need to vent.

Edited by jamesy90
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You need to stop washing and showering 20x a day, seriously.

Wash your skin twice a day (and twice only). Try and avoid daylight as much as possible. (Even if it isn't sunny outside). And when you have to go out, apply sunscreen.

Try applying pure vitamin E oil when you go to bed each night, it will help your skin recover from the surgery faster.

But most importantly, relax, stress isn't good for any part of your body, including your skin.

Things WILL get better, but you need to stop messing around with your skin so much.

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This regimen really faded my red/dark marks super fucking fast:

I exfoliate with an abrasive washcloth morning and night

During day I apply high SPF sunscreen

Before bed I apply, depending on my mood: toner with glycolic acid or retin a or hydroquinone cream

I've been doing this for just 1-2 weeks and my marks have faded as if months have past (srs)

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I know, I'm not gonna touch my skin until tomorrow taking a shower. I guess I just started feeling invincible, seeing improvements everyday and thinking that shaving was no longer as irritating to my marks. But I guess I started panicking when all my tricks to fade my marks weren't (still aren't) working. Like, it doesn't bother me so much that my marks randomly got redder, it's the fact that they are staying that way that makes me so confused/frustrated/upset. Like, now it probably won't go back to the way it was a few days back...

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I've read a few of your posts over the last few months and I can tell that your red marks are pretty dang stubborn. In no way to I mean to belittle your situation, but I have some present acne, and that "red sharpie" stuff all over my face. Broken blood vessels and hyper-pigmentation. I get depressed too... extremely. But more and more recently I've started to get that attitude of just "Who cares?" Well yeah, I care. Duh. But I try not to think about it at allll. I'm just looking forward to that elusive day to where I really won't have to worry.

Good luck mate

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I know, I'm not gonna touch my skin until tomorrow taking a shower. I guess I just started feeling invincible, seeing improvements everyday and thinking that shaving was no longer as irritating to my marks. But I guess I started panicking when all my tricks to fade my marks weren't (still aren't) working. Like, it doesn't bother me so much that my marks randomly got redder, it's the fact that they are staying that way that makes me so confused/frustrated/upset. Like, now it probably won't go back to the way it was a few days back...

The whole invincible thing has happened to me a few times in the last month. Its a pretty hard cycle to break because your skin keeps looking better and better every day, and you think "hey I beat acne for good because i'm seeing so much improvement, right?" I wish I could tell you how I dealt with the problem, but i'm in the same boat as you. It will get better soon though, just keep your head up.

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Yeah, its easy to feel on top of the world when things quickly appear to get better. But unfortunately there is no real quick fix and its always going to take time to witness more perminant improvements.

You're still fairly young yeah?.... Well just think of all the older people than you that have no marks on there skin. I can assure you that many of them went through what you are going through now. But time eventually healed their marks.

Don't worry, the days will come when you are free from these marks.

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That's just it, I don't know if I will. What hurts even more than the marks is the damage I'm causing to others around me because of it. Friends rarely call me anymore and I never do anything unless I'm the one to call them. And more so my family, they just don't know what to do. Today I didn't eat I was so depressed, so come supper it was just me and my mom. I couldn't even look up from my plate, let alone her eyes. She has given me so many talks and I hear her, and wish I could change, but I can't magically make my eyes ignore the eye sore that is this marks, and I can't fake confidence knowing I have these on my face...

As I got up to bring my plate to the sink and drink some water, I looked back and her eyes were tearing up, but she was trying to hide it. She probably feels so bad that I'm so depressed, and seeing her sad makes me feel even worse about the whole situation. I feel so bad for indirectly hurting her and my family with my bad moods and my little to no interaction. 5 years ago, before I ever got laser, you would never have guessed this is what I would become, I was loving life and happy and funny... feeling nothing was wrong with me. 5 years later I'm in the darkest points of my life ever, depressed 3/4 of the time... having dark thoughts about maybe ending my life, but not really, it's just I feel like dying cause what's the point of life when I can't even look someone in the eye. I know the happy person is still in me, but silenced by my shame and self consciousness. I feel like my soul and character and everything I know is literally crashing around me and seriously feel alone, because my friends just think I don't like going out or am anti social... I would literally give anything for these to be gone enough to the point that I can live my life again.

Edited by jamesy90
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Hey man you said you have only had one treatment so far? Don't stress it too much, I know it's hard but it takes multiple treatments with just about anything to see results, trust me I've been there. Anyway when things were bad for me I just threw the saying "live for the present" out the window. Hang out with your mates and shit, they won't care about your skin no matter how much you do, you don't have to see them all the time but catch up with them on days where you feel good to make sure you stay close. Other than that, dw about it, forget girls for now, it's too much stress, you'll get them when you get everything under control even if it takes a while longer. Focus on improving yourself in other ways so when you get clear you are the best you can be. Go buy a weight set and get in good shape, and I mean really focus on it, put all your spare time and energy in to your body, get ripped, it will stop you from sitting around thinking about your face and getting depressed, you may even find you love it, I did. Your skin will heal with time and the laser treatments will help kick your natural healing process in to action. Live for the future, improve yourself in every way you can, exercise - reach the limits of your physical strength and agility, and try to learn everything you can, read, study, acquire skills you have always wanted to ect. This way when you finally get to a place your happy with you will be whatever you want to be.

Have a read of this too :)

http://www.oldtimestrongman.com/henryrollins_iron.html

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Thanks for the reply Cab, it helps a lot. I actually do have a weight set and train four days a week at home with them. I have been on an off with weights since I was about 14 or 15, but as I became older I also became more dedicated. However, that being said, it's hard to find the motivation to train when you are so unhappy with what you see in the mirror. I often have to force myself to train because I so often am depressed.

I have had one V-Beam treatment and basically nothing has changed. That makes me feel even worse but I'm hoping more treatments will change that. It's a very depressing life when you are not comfortable with yourself. I'm one of those people that when I feel good about myself I can handle any situation, you know? But these past 3-4 years have been so up and down I really don't know where I stand anymore as far as self confidence. I know if these red marks faded by like 60% I could probably regain my confidence and live fully but right now I just can't.

I don't know if anyone can relate to this but as a kid to young teen I was the funniest little guy ever, never afraid to make people laugh or be a little goofy, always carefree. I was so wrapped up in my love for drawing and cartoons and my favourite activities and things that I just never was self conscious. I think that's what sucks the most, what I was to who I've become. I can't hold a normal conversation with anyone eye to eye, not even my family, I just keep my mouth closed most of the time at the table and avoid eye contact with everyone. I feel like I let the goodness in me, the kid I used to be, die because of this, I just wish I never became obsessed with red marks or what they were before that and just lived my life. No one is probably even reading this anymore but it feels good to let it out.

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This regimen really faded my red/dark marks super fucking fast:

I exfoliate with an abrasive washcloth morning and night

During day I apply high SPF sunscreen

Before bed I apply, depending on my mood: toner with glycolic acid or retin a or hydroquinone cream

I've been doing this for just 1-2 weeks and my marks have faded as if months have past (srs)

Serratus, isn't hydroquinone illegal? Where do you live?

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It's only illegal in other countries I believe. I know it's legal here in Canada though it's mostly for brown marks, made my red marks much worse and is linked to cancer so I stopped after a month.

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