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Where should I begin? From the begginning, I guess.

Everything started when I was around 11-12 years old. I got these small whiteheads on my forehead. I didn't really cared about it. It was first a bit later I started caring. Though, my mum had bought me some products, which, I hope, slowed the "progress" a bit down. I remember how the whiteheads started to "wander" down my face, down the nose, down the sides of my face.

To make a long story short, time went, and everything only went worse. I've tried these products: "Matas", "Clinique", "iQQU", "Clearface", "Clerasil" (only one of the steps), "Garnier" and I'm currently trying some Emu Oil, some Avène products and I've just started taking Zink. Just the thought is scary. I'm taking pills. I'm taking medicine. I'm Ill... Around January, my skin suddenly started getting better! By then, I was exfoliating my skin with homemade remidies, which made wonders for my skin. I felt so much better and I could even expect to be around 85% clear in the summer. Then I broke out. And lost all hope.

I can't look people in the eyes anymore. I don't hang out with people anymore. I use more than 10 minutes on laying makeup (which is only a consealer and mascara). I started carrying a small mirror with me, so I can check if I'm worthy enough to speak with people in 'this and that' lightning. I suddenly feel kinda.. scared, of water. Don't misunderstand me, I love water! I've been swimming for 7 years (not in a row, lol, but once a week for 7 years), but now I start wondering if my makeup will wash off, when I start swimming. I started to hate people, either because of their skin or presence (yeah, rude, I know). I can't talk with people in puplic places. This one is really weird. Every time there are 5 persons or more, I suddenly can't say anything. All, I wanted to say, disappears. I can't say anything funny, even though I in general likes to tell jokes and make fun.

This acne-crap has ruined 4-5 important years of my life. I don't want it to take more. So much time and so many oppotunities have been there, but they were waisted. For examble, the latest one was at the last party with my classmates. A party meant to say goodbye to each other, when we're all going to start in high-school. After getting something to drink (hehe), I starting talking really well with one of the popular girls in my class. She really wanted me to sleep there, instead of taking home with the others. And yes, I really wanted to, but just the thought of not doing my regiment and the thought of them seeing my face without makeup... No.. I just couldn't.

As child, I always wanted to be different. To be special. I was often day-dreaming (I still do), mostly just before bed. Sometimes, I dreamt I was this male lion, without mane, but with wings. I put him into "Lion King 2" and made him fight with Simba, you know, the leader :P. But anyway, I never wished to be different like THIS. Not like the ugly and silent girl. Not like this :(. I try to focus on the good things about myself, and the more I look, the more I realise how pretty I could be without this.. It's really dragging me down :/. The whole situation is so.. Unreal.. I've never imagined myself being so.. Depressed... About my look. Sometimes, I just feel like closing my eyes and curling myself together, and let my mind wander to much better places, like the one I just mentioned. Yes, in Lion King 2, lol. Naah, no. Now it's usually my made-up world or in 1191 AD/Assassins Creed. It sounds SO weird, but it's so much better than this.

Also, my mum is sick. She has Sclerose, which is a sickness, which attacks the nerve-system. It slowly breaks it down. The earliest memory I have of her, she could move her hands. Not much, but she could. Today, she can't move her legs or her arms. She can only move her head. I can see and hear that it's getting difficult for her to move her tounge/to speak. Also, she has a bit problems with the hearing and her memory. And on top of it, she has big problems breathing. I don't understand why she even is alive. I would have given up long time ago, when her legs stopped working. Around the time I was born, 16 years ago. But this isn't what depresses me, really. I accept it and deals with it. But people around me thinks that it's my mum, who is causing my silent-ness and the way I don't like hanging out that much anymore. My previous teacher even said that I should see a psychologist O_O. WTF! I would NEVER go to a psychologist, no matter who it is. If I really should go see someone to tell about my problems with my acne, it better be a dermatologist, who has experience with it!

Unfortunatly, she isn't the only one. My sister (who is around 30) has told me, that if I need to talk with somebody, she'll be there. And my "new" teacher has also offered it (in same way, though, not as my old teacher). Hell, even my mums friend has offered it! Leave me alone! It's not the problem!

I must admit, though, that it's partly my mums sickness' fault, that I hate people, just because of their presence. The nurses keep on coming. A team at 8:00, two teams between 9:00 and 11:30, one team 12:00, one team at 13:30, one team at 16:00 and the last team at 16:30. And somewhere last year, we got this "6-hour-nurse", who is coming at 12 and leaving at 18. I don't know how many different strangers there have been here. How about... 13? Sounds like a good number. Fits this damn situation. Though, we've finally found a nurse, who actually keeps her job. And she's really nice! And pretty, lol. That makes my situation worse. Apperantly, she also had acne when she was young. Wow. It gives me a bit hope, but when I look at her, I realise that couldn't have been so bad. Btw, it's so long time ago I've had one day, without anybody else than my family. Let's see... Uhm.. 10 years? Never? Huh :/.

Btw. the 6-hour-nurses job is just to be sure that my mum is okay, and if she needs anything (like turning on the radio or TV). Pretty easy, but that's why they tend to wander around in the house.

What annoys me a lot at the moment, is that zits aren't taken seriously. "Everybody" are saying that it's normal to get a zit, and it'll eventually go away. Nothing more, nothing less. Yeah, it DOES go away, but then two new appears. And two more. And how about when it hurts? How about when your personality change? How about when your self esteem drops to zero? What about it? Will it just "disappear" with time? Acne is f'ing serious stuff, and people should be AWARE of looking out for even the slightest sign of it. Acting as fast as possible really helps. It gives you more time to find the right products, maybe saves you for scars and maybe saves you from going into deep depression!

Oh jezz, this is much, much longer than I ever expected! I didn't know I had so much to say!

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Thank you for sharing. It warms my heart to see someone reveal so much of themselves. =)

I am so very sorry about your mother. I can see how you could think she would give up but that is one of the most remarkable parts of humans. Their resilience. She sounds like a fighter, an inspiration even. I can also see how her perserverance could dishearten you. I think maybe part of your frustration is that there are so many people in your house, your mom has to deal with a grave disease, and yet you can't handle a pimple or your acne.

That's okay though. No one should trivialize acne. It's a tough thing to go through for everyone. We all have our weak moments. But the important part is to wade through your negative emotions and emerge on the other side loving yourself. Acne doesn't take away your self-confidence and love of yourself, you decide to let it. It is no easy feat of course to gain it back, but it can be done. I've done it. You can too. <3

I really just want to convey hope to you. That things can get better. And feel free to talk to me or anyone else hear anytime. We are here to listen. =)

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Hi, I read everything but I just wanted to comment on your acne alone. I think you should go see a doctor or a dermatologist. Don't rely on over-the-counter products or home solutions. Wish you the best.

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@Kairasa

Aww, thanks for your kind words! And yeah, my mum is quite an inspiration for me. Even though she is in a such situation, she's still happy :D.

And don't worry, I'll keep on fighting ;). Since I'm just about to start in high-school, it's an oppotunity for me to start a "new life" and be better prepared for how to deal with my acne among other people. And maybe actually start talking with boys, lol.

@ItHurtsToLook

Yeah, I've considered it many times. Since I don't want to go talk with my doctor, the dermatologist is a good option. But it's actually quite expensive, just to talk with them. And since I don't really have that many money, I would have to get my parents to pay a bit ("pleaaseee?" *dog-eyes*). But they have already used too many money recently, on me. On the other hand, they are my parents, it's their responsibility to make me feel safe and heathly. But idk, I've met a few persons in Matas (a store, where you can buy anything skin-related), who said that my acne wasn't bad at all. It does make me consider if it's worth seeing a derm or if I'm just really good at covering it :P. Hehe.

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Do what ever you can to treat your acne, even if you feel bad for having your parents pay for it. It's for your own psychological well being and if you feel badly about your skin, it is that bad. Do what ever you need to do to feel how you deserve to feel.

I never found the right dermatologist when I was younger and now I'm almost 25, still have acne and horrible red marks and discoloration from all the acne I've had in the past. And I have every single one of the self esteem and social issues you expressed. I have no friends and only through strange cosmic fortune met a partner. There was one year my skin wasn't so bad due to forces unknown and it was a world of difference. I've had no financial capacity to seek dermatological treatments as an adult. I hope your parents provide you with resources to seek treatment. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to find someone who will actually help you, but it would be worth it if you could get the results you wanted.

By the way, most guys, at least guys worth an ounce of your time, won't care if you have acne. But it makes such a difference to feel good about yourself and be able to be confident. :)

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I'm going to try to be short... truly sad story about your mother and in addition to that, acne.

I understand what you mean when you said acne absolutely changes your personality... because i'm not the one i was before acne, not even close. I died inside a couple of years ago, no hope left... not the same.

Be strong, i hope everything will turn out great in your life, just keep fighting.

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@wsxdrfvgy Yeah, as said, it is my parents responsibility to keep me happy and proud of being me. Haha, now I feel less bad about asking them! And I just found out that one of the derms is in "a summer mood" and has reduced the usual price with 50%. Maybe I can get my parents to pay for it, then!

Your story gave me hope! It would be nice with a boyfriend, hehe :P.

@M(a)x(cne) I used to be a quite popular girl, with lots of friends and was hanging out with them every day (I was always "booked" at least 3 days ahead, lol). I'll try to get back to being that person, but it isn't easy. But I'm trying, that's what matters! Keep on trying, then you won't be completely lost :3.

Thanks, and to you as well.

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