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Just joined wanted to share my current feelings...

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I've been lurking here for ages now and I literally just joined. I hate sharing with anyone besides my mother but I need another point of view and I refuse to share with friends. I've had acne since 13ish I am now 20. I like to think it hasn't effected me but I'd be lying. I'm not entirely sure if my issues are all due to acne some of it might be in my head some of it might be because of a family falling out but I just need someone to know what I feel. I need to vent and I'd prefer it be to people who do not know me. Here's my issues:

I'm 20 but feel I'm still sixteen, yet at the same time I know I'm 20. I keep thinking I'm to old to attempt to get into what I really want to do which would be sing/act/model, because when I was younger I pictured myself already doing these things at this age. I feel my acne has held me back. I used to be more outgoing and talkative, now I keep to myself unless the other person speaks to me, when someone does I feel like I am not worthy of their attention. I hate it when I get attention because I like it. It's so hard to explain it.

I've never really had real boyfriend. I've never been kissed. I'm too afraid to get close to anyone I like because I don't want them to see how disgusting I feel. My acne makes me feel unclean. When I start getting close to someone I pull back and we stay just friends. Mostly because I don't think someone who is so nice should deserve someone like me. I think I am also a bit shallow but then again the only people I know of who have ever liked me were creeps who asked me out thinking I'd have sex with them. While I feel flattered that someone likes me I am also completely disgusted how they assume I want sex. The thought of being so close to someone scares me.

I want to go back to that outgoing, talkative kid I used to be. I am slowly getting there. I just really hope it's not to late for me to do want I really want to do, especially when I feel so down on myself. I do have days when I am happy about myself but then I feel as though I am hurting the ones I care about because they always think I'm stupid for just realizing how pretty I am and then they attempt to make me feel better by saying "you could look fat like me, have hair like me," etc. Which really just makes me feel guilty for liking myself and wanting to help them. Sorry I'm babbling so much but I need to get this all off my chest and I really feel all these issues are from my acne. Or maybe I'm just using it as an excuse. Either way there are these walls I've built around me for the past 7 years that I want gone! I always tell people I don't know what I want to do in life too, because I feel like when I tell them I want to sing/act/model that they'll think it's a joke and that I'm childish. I'll feel real stupid come morning for writing this too because I always get so depressed at certain times like at night but I am usually just fine. I'll think of this as a joke when I reread. It's almost as if I feel fake when I am overly happy so I bring myself down. I don't know. /venting

Please don't think I'm always so depressed, I really am normally a happy and fun person despite having moderate acne from my head to my lower back and have tried everything for my acne.

Also excuse the run on sentences, these are my thoughts uneditied.

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Your like the female version of me, I'm 19 and havn't kissed anyone either, but tbh It doesn't bother me so much because i do think I'll find someone I like instead of slummin it with ho rats.

I am shallow at first.. If someone has acne i feel so much more comfortable talkign to them , I always judge by appearance but not in the way most people expect. I'm kinda scared of talking to clear skinned people.

I still feel really young and immature and sometimes have to tell myself almost not a teenager anymore.

When people speak to me I speak really fast and act busy or something, somtimes I even stutter unintentionally because i'm not used to it. fuck me.

Also don't worry about the sex thing, It's good you havn't been used or anything so when you find someone special you'll know because they'll be with you even without sex.

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I can relate. I'm 19 and I still feel like I'm 15-16 because my life is exactly the same now as it was a few years ago, thanks to acne. It's scary to think next year I'll be 20...and haven't accomplished a damn thing. Never had a job, no college, nothing.

I've also never had a real relationship. I mean I 'dated' back in middle school but obviously that stuff is never serious. Never been kissed as well, you're not alone!

Maybe you would be someone who could benefit from therapy? It doesn't seem like your problems are TOO serious but it does seem like you need someone to confide in.

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I think we all can relate lol. Me included. I feel the same way when I meet people and stuff. I did some research and I found something called "Avoidant personality disorder". Cant say for sure I have it but I have like 90% of the symptoms. Judging from what I read you sound the same so you should look into it. It's not all induced by acne either. I remember feeling the same before I even had acne. And like you I dont think of myself as a depressed person. I think I overcame that when High school ended...

Edited by Alex_09

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Thank you all for replying. It really helps to know that I'm not alone in these feelings. I fine now^^ I think I'm going to keep a journal because I found that just getting that out of my system did me wonders. I was in one of my life sucks moods. I don't think I have a the avoidant personality disorder I just think I need to be less afraid to trust people. I've thought about therapy once or twice but I'd rather not go because it's bad enough with my dad going. I know they'll just want to throw pills at me. I think I'm just going to take the time to sit and talk to my mom, I haven't seen her in a while (was on vacation) and she is my therapist XD

Thank you all for helping me through this. I really just need to share it with someone.

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