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Before you read, please keep in mind I am (for the first time in years) going to be blatantly honest with myself and all who choose to read this. Thanks in advance for selflessly taking interest in hearing out more or less my prolonged struggle with my own mind for the last few years. I thought about writing it in third person but maybe it will help to feel like someone is listening. Maybe it will help you :o. If this bores you I understand :) I just need lay this out in front of myself.

My name is Brian,

I was literally fighting a war inside my head. To most of you, I would hope, will think this problem is very small compared to most realistic situations maybe even delusional. I can assure you it was very, VERY real to me, and I know it wasn't right and it was pathetic yet I couldn't stop living it everyday. I enveloped myself into hating myself, and I could for the love of god seem to find why..

The last 3 years of high school I moved around 3 times (I am 20) and each time it seemed like I would never be able to settle. I told myself I lost interest into making friends. I would make a friend or two and then boom I was in another state. My senior year I wanted to believe I wasn't interested into making friends anymore, which in reality was extremely opposite to what I yearned for. I obviously felt alone and hurt by my circumstance. The sad thing is I am actually very fit, good looking and I have a lot of love to give. Everyone does. The problem was this..

I had to make an excuse for myself, an excuse that I could use as a cop out as to why I wasn't finding anything to make me happy. I had moderate acne at the time, yet in my head I started becoming so aware of it that I literally couldn't spend a MINUTE for the rest of the year without thinking about!! I lost myself; Consumed, obsessed, broken were all very appropriate words to describe me. I wore makeup, I had anxiety attacks every time I looked in the mirror, I hated myself. I needed help...

Unfortunately I sought to self medicate, for fear of what even the psychologist/psychiatrist would say. [On a side note, I sometimes hid from my own family in my room] This led to more stupidity that I find very hard to discuss because it was so aweful. I stole money from my parents, who by the way, were the only reason I might not be here today. They love me so much, so damn much I will forever be thankful for the parents I was blessed with. I lied, cheated, treated them like nothing.

At this point my depression manifested interestingly enough into bipolar-ism, which was even more difficult to me, much more explain in text. I was addicted to my hate, addicted to isolation and saw no hope for change. This went on for another year, couldn't bring myself to attend any family gatherings. I even locked myself in my room when my family hosted Christmas here, fml.

Everyone in my extended family caught on, and were asking if there is anything in there power to help me. This was overwhelmingly embarrassing, and I ignored all of them :(.

A lot of pain and suffering affected my family, my younger siblings took all of it in as well. I wanted to be their role model, I had to end this for my family, I couldn't bare to be the reason my family would be destroyed.

I found a psychiatrist, the first session was really awkward for me, he diagnosed me almost instantly with mania-and almost severe depression. He also said I had some OCD involved, duh. I was immediately put on medication, a low dose, and luckily it was the right medicine for me. In many cases it takes awhile to find the right stuff for you. In a month I wasn't having any manic episodes which only led to depression afterwards. I was starting to feel balanced, and compared to a few months prior, hopeful. I now go running, swimming, anything outdoors, even tanning :P.

I found a great job at a golf course, making great friends with my coworkers, and learning social skills with all the golfers I talk to. Going to study fitness science at a community college soon. Now don't get me wrong I am far from perfect haha, but I now strive towards wellness. Went to a dermatologist, and in a month I am getting much happier about my face. Barely any pimples, but I not afraid to admit that there is still some OCD present. I am confidant it will pass with time, time heals many things. My Great Grandmother told me, "Brian, I have seen it all, every one turned out alright, and I know it won't stop with you, now get your butt in gear!"

Moral of the story is, your the only one responsible for your life, when you are ready, take initiative and seek the help you need. The doctors don't spend 8-10 years of there life, unless they are passionate about what they do, and they actually know what they are doing!!

Good luck all,

There is hope for everyone

Brian :)

Edited by Entheogenic Brian

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Wow, sounds like you had a rough go of it for a while there. I'm glad to hear that you were able to get help and turn your life around, though!

Thanks for sharing this. : )

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Hi, Brian. Welcome to Acne.org and thank you for sharing your story. I totally agree that folks should ask for help when they feel so down about acne or anything else that makes life miserable for them. I'm glad your parents were a good support system for you. I've seen some posts from members stating their parents don't care or blow them off and it's saddening.

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