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I want to talk to you about how acne has effected me psychologically through the years and how I am learning to get over it.

I have developed some deeply rooted insecurities and anti social habits in my struggle with acne. When I was younger in High school I was a complete mess and didn't allow anybody to get close to me, because of how my skin looked. I had some friends and even a couple of "girl friends", but my life was really lived inside of my head, by my self. The copious amounts of marijuana that I smoked couldn't have helped this, but was an escape mechanism. Eventually in college after many years practically isolated, I turned to accutane as my last resort.

At this point I was a complete mess, taking adderall a couples of times a week, pulling all nighters. During these all nighters I would get mass amounts of work done but also indulge in elaborate and prolonged amphetamine and marijuana fueled masturbation sessions that were incredibly addicting and shame inducing. This was probably the most intense high I had ever gotten and I'm sure it fucked with my hormones and contributed to my acne a great deal. I suspected this at the time, but like I said I was addicted and it was the highlight of my week. These habits were probably why it took over six months @80 mg a day of accutane for me to get cleared.

Once I got clear I was still incredibly insecure, even though I was regularly told how good looking I was by other people. My friends didn't understand why I didn't ever want to party and enjoy college and what it had to offer. I badly wanted to on the inside, but had such bad social anxiety that I would hardly leave the house. I smoked a lot of weed alone and would get deep inside of my head, with largely negative and self deprecating thoughts. I went through serious existential angst with the only thing driving me being my new found love for design and Architecture (I had recently transferred into the design school). I was good at it and was continually validated by my teachers. I ended up building a nasty ego around this skill and entertained elaborate fantasy's of me being a famous architect in my head. This coupled with people also validating me about my looks built a self image of the tortured romantic artist, of which I would mentally masturbate to on a regular basis.

So now I had an externally derived sense of self esteem, but I still considered myself a fraud. I was constantly tormented by the fact that I was 20 something and still had never had a real girl friend. I was smart, good looking and rich, so why did I still hate my self? why couldn't I let people into my life? Why wasn't I confident? It was because I had conditioned my self with a negative self image for almost 10 years. It embedded itself inside of me like a tape worm and I fed it with with obsessive negative unconscious thoughts daily.

I was addicted to a well nourished victim Identity exacerbated by reading depressing posts about Accutane's longterm side effects, or obsessively looking for a cure to my acne as at this time my acne was coming back. I became obsessed with finding a cure to my acne, because I thought this was the key to finding love. I had very high expectations and was not willing to settle for a fatty.

This lifestyle continued until I went to LA for a summer, interning as an architect. That was where I met kiki la-rouge (name changed to protect the innocent). This girl was just what I needed, she was fairly hot, about a 7.5, and very superficial. She would tell me that I was gorgeous and special and this gave me the comfort to open about my dark secrets. This relationship was not very healthy, but it was what I needed. It allowed me to entertain the concept that women found me attractive and that I could offer them value.

After this summer I ended up back in school for my junior year. I eventually ended up hooking up with probably the hottest girl in the architecture program a couple months into the year and I thought that I had found the love of my life. We connected hard and it could have turned into a healthy and fun relationship, but because I was coming from a place of lack and isolation I acted needy and eventually she caught on. I had built this thing up in my mind so high that when she cut it off I felt like I was stabbed in the heart and this was after only two weeks of seeing her.

At this point I realized that I had the potential to be with the people I wanted to be with, but there was still something wrong. I turned to the dating section of my favorite private bt community and began to study social dynamics in an attempt attempt to learn the behaviors needed to maintain a healthy relationship. I never got into this stuff to become a player. So I started going out more and studying self help material and considering where I was coming from, I think that overall it has helped me with my self confidence and masculine identity to a large extent. I still have a long way to go, but I am becoming more and more indifferent to what people think of me every day. This is the number one rule to attraction and probably the hardest to internalize. Don't care about what people think! Put your authentic self on the table and if people don't like it then fuck them, next. The only reason people really suffer with acne is because they are thinking about what other people are thinking about them. this mentality is what mat makes you unappealing to be around. It is not the acne, but the negative mindset and it is self inflicted. When you think about it there is nothing making you suffer past the physical pain that the acne creates. I know how hard it is to accept this, but it is true and it is amazing how much good could be done with the time and energy that is used dwelling about your acne and how much of a victim you are. Get off the internet and start doing what you need to do to be happy, now.

These are books that have helped.

The Happiness Trap

This book teaches you to be mindful of the self defeating voices in your head and then accept them and detach from them.

A New Earth

Also about being mindful of your ego and compulsive thinking.

http://www.rsdnation.com/

The forum here is good and the products can be life changing. This community can seem hyped up and cheese, but its foundation is based on self realization and internally derived confidence.

Maybe my favorite thread from RSD.

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Thank you for sharing your experience, man. These words are gold.

Edit: HOLY SH*T. I was watching Hamlet thinking "I wish I was more like this guy (eloquence, confidence etc)" so I stopped to check the forum and the guy from the thread you just posted is called "Hamlet"! It's a signal.

Edited by Bolkonsky
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Thank you for sharing your experience, man. These words are gold.

Edit: HOLY SH*T. I was watching Hamlet thinking "I wish I was more like this guy (eloquence, confidence etc)" so I stopped to check the forum and the guy from the thread you just posted is called "Hamlet"! It's a signal.

Thats funny, I haven't seen Hamlet for a while, but from what I remember he does seem like a pimp. Probably because he expresses himself from the core not giving a shit whether or not other people like it.

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I'm glad some of you enjoyed my heart on my sleeve, but I'm sorry it wasn't more concise. I'll try and clean it up a bit.

Oh and if you guys have any questions or related experiences lets hear it.

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About dating... In all my life I always got the attention from the girls that I liked, but I never got any of these girls. Why? First because I was too shy, too insecure, too self-conscious. Later, when I was a little more confident, I had become too needy because I was lonely because before I was insecure. You see? Its like a combo of sh*t upon you. Now I'm much wiser than I was before.

I do not regret any of this girls that I "lost", but I do regret the good time that I lost.

Its funny because the ultimate answer to me is not caring about what other people think. Why are we so self-conscious? Well, because... Its difficult even to answer that, but lets say that we are self-concious because we are afraid of not being cool, but there is nothing cooler than a person that do not give a f*ck about what others think!

Edited by Bolkonsky
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Its difficult even to answer that, but lets say that we are self-concious because we are afraid of not being cool, but there is nothing cooler than a person that do not give a f*ck about what others think!

Totally man! But you might start to notice it becoming a catch-22. You try not to care what other people think, but by consciously trying not to care, you end up caring even more. The only way around this is through experience.

Edited by andersoj
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Its difficult even to answer that, but lets say that we are self-concious because we are afraid of not being cool, but there is nothing cooler than a person that do not give a f*ck about what others think!

Totally man! But you might start to notice it becoming a catch-22. You try not to care what other people think, but by consciously trying not to care, you end up caring even more. The only way around this is through experience.

Ah, I'm aware of this kind of trap and I agree with you.

We should not care about what other people think not because doing this we could be more cool, or more confident, etc, but because it truly does not matter and its the happiest way for someone to live their life.

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I can relate completely to the isolation, except I enjoy that I don't have to socialise with anyone anymore. No more bullshit, no more pretending, no more dependency or favours or being forced to attend places I hate with people I barely tolerate. Just a handful of close friends, family and myself.

Since I stopped all the bullshit i've learnt so much about me and what makes me who I am. I've acquired skills I never thought I would learn, I have dreams and ideas that eclipse anything I could ever think of, I finally feel like I can contribute something to this world and I love it and I love myself.

I've done some research and it would lead me to believe that I have a personality disorder (though just about anything qualifies for a disorder nowadays) and that I should stop entertaining these grandiose ideas and start taking pills and going to therapy, all so I can destroy the real me and become just like everyone else.

Ha.

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