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YAY! Congratulations on deciding to get married. Happy for ya and im sure you will look beautiful as always on your wedding day, don't sweat it. I mean after all he is marrying you and not your face ;)

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Ugh. I have work tonight. And hurray for nine hour shifts the next few days. : (

But tomorrow, before work, I will go to the derm (turns out they had me scheduled for the 8th AND the 16th. wtf?) and hoooopppeefuuullllyyyyy pick up my Accutane prescription. Fucking finally. If they screw it up this time I really am switching to the other dermatology office in town. I like them.

Anyway, I've been sooooooooooooooooooooo busy lately with work, school, wedding stuff, and just in general... BUSY-NESS. Which sucks. I don't really like being busy like this-- I just want to relax and spend time with my fiance. I'm starting to seriously despise my job. I really hate it. It wouldn't be so bad if they would just listen to me and stop scheduling me on days I cannot work, and for huge, long shifts that I have told them (to their calm acceptance) I DO not want to work. If they would hire some other cashiers in the pharmacy maybe this wouldn't be such an issue. But whatever. I praaay to God I will not be in this shitty job forever. If only I could just be a full time student. My schoolwork is definitely suffering. I have to do a speech presentation thing for FIFTEEN minutes this upcoming week and I haven't started. I just don't. have. time.

Something has got to change. D:

Oh! My face. It sucks, too. Lots of wonderful cysts and 'regular zits' coming my way. Still coming. And it's only going to get worse when I start 'Tane. Ohhhhhh I am SO stressed out. : ( They took my ring away, too. Only a few days after getting it, one of the teeny little side diamonds fell the fuck out. And it needs resizing. AGAIN. So we brought it in, under the warranty, and they sent it off to be fixed so now I won't get to wear my ring again until almost May. Yeah. Fucking sucks.

I don't want to go to work looking like shit the next few days. And again Sunday. Buuut that's how it's gonna be, I guess. I'm not even gonna get excited about getting the Accutane tomorrow. I have a feeling there will have been another fuck-up. It would be so typical, at this point. :/

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CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

As another bride to be :) it is perfectly ok to record your registry in your invitations so don't worry!

I hope you get your get your script tomorrow! fingers are crossed for you!!!

what does your weddind dress look like!!!???

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sareliz,

Just wanted to stop by and say Good luck as you start your accutane journey!!!!!! You will start to see some major shifts in your skin i am sure. I am about 10 days away from my 1 month mark, i'll keep following your log, i'm wishing you JOY and CLARITY and peace of mind that you're on the track to clear beautiful skin! Much love, sister.

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DAY TWO

Well, I took my second pill last night, which, of course, means I'll be taking the third pill tonight. I am indeed taking 40mg of Claravis once a day, as predicted. And it seems to ALREADY be taking an effect. I have about THREE for-sure cysts, and several under-the-skin bumps that seem like they would just love to blossom into full-blown cyst monsters. Glorious. And naturally, one of the cysts is right on top of the round red scar on my right cheek. I haaaate that spot. : (

I still really want to see about getting prednisone to fight the IB that is already in progress... but the day I went to the derm for the 'Tane, I was in a hurry to get to work afterward, and plus my usual derm was out that day so I had to see a different guy. Bah. We'll see.

@michellemac: My wedding dress! Is strapless, floor-length but without a train, quite form-fitting, and is very, very me. I'm sure when the wedding happens, I'll have pictures to show you all.

@myskiniswhole: Thank you so much. I really hope this is the answer for me..... second time's the charm?

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DAY THREE

Work was le poopshits. But oh well. I'm home now. Soon I will be getting in the shower. Not that anyone needs to know that. AAAAAAAAAAAAAANYWAY.

My face. Is. BAD. It's like every few hours a new spot appears. And I'm not talking about like just little whiteheads. I am getting full-on cysts alllll over. : ( It freaking SUCKS. Is this the IB?? I hope so, because I really cannot deal with my face getting much worse than this. Already. Gosh. : ( I'm trying REALLLYYYY hard not to pick. But it's an anxiety mechanism for me. And I can already tell that my mood/anxiety issues are getting harder to deal with on Accutane. AL-FREAKIN-READY. My moods change sooo quickly, and while I've always been that way, now it is definitely getting worse. I'm worried about becoming too depressed. I've been sad all weekend. Really sad. I mean, it's mostly because my face looks so shitty. But that's only going to get worse, too. Arrgghhh.

How long did everyone's IBs last?? How long was it before you saw any results/became any clearer? I'm not jumping the gun-- I'm only a few days in and I know I've got a loooong way to go. But it'll be easier to know when I can start expecting things to improve. :/ I'm really stressing out over this. I know I've been waiting for a long time to do this, but part of me wonders if maybe I should have done another round of a 'cycline first and then waited until after I'm married to Jared and we're settled down and on Tricare to do this... My head is spinning.

...gonna go take that pill now. :0

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Hey!

Sounds like your having your IB for sure! From what I've read a lot of people work differently with regards to their IB but they seem to also follow similar patterns. For example, I had an IB that spread out over two months, it was so light that I pretty much just broke out like usual for 2 months and kept asking "is this my IB" pretty much weekly. Then by month three I started to clear and by the end of the third month I've had extended clear periods with a single active popping up every week or so. and I'm still improving.

Now I'v read about others who get their IB hard and FAST like with their first pill, BUT those people seem to also HEAL much faster! I mean if you get an IB for a week then they were on their way to clear by the end of the first month! I think this is closest to what your going through. So it may suck for a week or two but you'll also probably get better A LOT faster too! Accutane seems to like to take on one speed in everyone and if you got a "quick course" although it will suck for now I think you'll be ok for your wedding!

Oh and your wedding dress sounds BEAUTIFUL!!! I can't wait to see pictures!

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DAY FOUR

@michellemac: Gah. I hope so. My face hates me right now. : ( I know when I did Accutane the first time I broke out like CRAZY-bad for four months, then cleared up in the last month. It was horrible. And I was really depressed for most of that time, too, which worries me because even though my skin was worse then, I actually had less of an issue with depression than I do now. I really don't want to end up severely depressed for four months. Especially since I'll have the wedding and Jared's leaving to deal with. =/ Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited to be marrying him-- and I love planning the wedding. But it also stresses me out a LOT. As does school and work. And everything.

I think I just need to be on Valium for the entirety of my 'Tane course. lol. I need to CHILL the eff out. I really do think the main cause of my anxiety IS my skin, though. So I'm hoping that once my face isn't as bad on a daily basis, I can feel somewhat free and confident and therefore less stressed out. But knowing my brain, I'll probably just find other things to freak out about. If my anxiety/depression issues don't go away after Accutane, I'm considering trying to see a psychiatrist or therapist or SOMEBODY who will prescribe me a daily medication to calm me down. I've wanted to for a long time, but I knew I couldn't be on 'Tane and an anti-anxiety medication simultaneously. So we'll just have to wait and see.

FACE STUFF

Well the cysts are really pissing me off. It really seems like a lot of the 'dormant' spots in my face are coming out now. Like the Accutane cyst charmer played its little flute and awakened the slumbering beasts lurking under my skin. It's NOT cool. I have a biiiiig one on my lower-ish left cheek, two more threatening to be huge higher up on that cheek, another one once again on my left cheek in the under-the-eye-beside-the-nose area. And then on my right cheek there's a spot forming very itchily (yeah I made that word up, so WHAT) right on top of the red circular scar thing. Of course. And I've got various whiteheads and 'normal' zits as well. It blooooows. And my back is breaking out more than usual, too. DAMN. I hate that. Juuust in time for summer sleeveless clothing, too. : | Bummmmmeeerrrrrrrrrrr.

I wish I had prednisone. Balls.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING NOT RELATED TO SKIN AT ALL

I miss Jared. I'm such a baby, I know, but I didn't see him yesterday because of our work schedules and last night was the first night in a long time that we didn't sleep in the same bed and it makes me sad. And today he works 10-5, which sucks because I'm actually off today. I think, normally, I wouldn't be quite so clingy, but since he's leaving for basic in June, it's like I subconsciously do everything I can to make sure I use our time together as best I can. But if I'm this much of a wreck over one night and one day?-- what am I going to do for those miserable two months?!

OH. And that's not all. My ex-boyfriend (the cool one, my 'first love' back a year or so ago-- we'll call him 'Pirate' to hide his identity and also because he reminds me of a pirate) is going to be our best man. He's probably the one I'd consider to be my best friend other than my fiance. And he is most certainly Jared's best friend, as well. So he's really important to both of us. Well, Pirate's dad and sister, whom he lived with here before moving to college, are moving away to Utah. This summer. And he won't have anywhere to stay when he comes home after his trip to Germany. He said that he had planned on asking to live with Jared, but since he'll be away at basic and tech school, that plan failed. So now he wants to know if it would be okay to live with my family. And me. Because I'd still be here. I can't leave until I'm done with Accutane. So while Jared is away, Pirate would be living with me in my house with my family and sleeping on our couch in the living room. Now, I really love this guy. And Jared loves him, too. Jared seriously wants Pirate to live with us wherever we get stationed. lol. But I don't know how he'd feel about Pirate living JUST with me. While he's not there. But at the same time I think it would be fun for him to be here because, well, we're like best friends. And plus, it would be nice to have someone around to help me deal with the fact that Jared's not there. I don't know. What should I do, good people of the Org?! I am lost in this mess!

Well, I'm gonna go find some stuff to do. Like laundry and such. I'll be back later, maybe.

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DAY FIVE

I don't know if I can really do this.

Physically, I look like SHIT. I picked at the huge cyst on my lower left cheek and it has literally bled ALL. DAY. LONG. All day. Since 5AM this morning. That is not normal. I have a zillion whiteheads and new cysts popping up everywhere. I had planned on taking a Day Five picture, but that is not going to happen. I look disgusting. I can't cover the cyst with makeup. I have work and school the rest of the week. I have a 15-minute speech due on Thursday that I haven't even started. I might just not do it simply because I do not give a flying fuck. I feel so low.

That's even worse than the looking bad part... I feel like I am going INSANE. Like I said, I've always had issues with anxiety and depression/mood swings. But it has gotten SO bad. Today I cried off and on all morning, then in the middle of the day I was back to normal (almost) and laughing and joking around. Even when the cyst started bleeding again, I was kind of okay. But then Jared told me that since he hadn't seen his friends in quite awhile, he was going to go over to his friend's house tonight to hang out with them. He mentioned me coming along at first, but after I snapped and told him there was no way I could go looking like this, he dropped the idea. So he is going over there by himself. I had a HUGE freakout. Not an angry one. But I was so, so, so sad. And scared. I don't do well on my own. Even for a night. I can't stand to be alone with myself and my own thoughts. I feel so trapped. I hate having to face myself. I hate having no one around to help me cope with my anxiety. I hate having to hide in my hot, claustrophobic little room for hourssss on end. I hate looking at my face. I hate it so much. I can't do it.

I am SO depressed. I've been crying and crying and my head hurts from all of it. Jared was upset too because he said I made him feel guilty and that he felt 'trapped'... and said I was acting just like his psycho ex-girlfriend who was extremely possessive and controlling. That killed me even more. I don't want to trap him. I don't want him to feel guilty. I don't want him to hate me like he hated her. I just can't deal with it all by myself. I can't be alone. It's so pathetic. I just hate myself. And it doesn't look like that's ever going to change.

If my mood issues don't get better anytime soon, I might have to just stop the Accutane. As much as I have longed for it and waited for it and obsessed over it, if it continues to make me feel THIS bad, I can't do it. I am actually afraid of my own feelings right now. I'm afraid of how sick and utterly despondent I feel. It's definitely not normal.

I'm sorry to be sooooo depressing. But this is the darker side of Accutane... and naturally, I'm the one to talk about it. I don't know what I'm going to do about this. I don't know how I'm going to survive the night, honestly. I'm scared. : (

EDIT//: Well Jared just texted me and said he never got his friend to call him back, so I guess I'm going back over there. Phew. I'm glad...

Oh and I found out that my speech thing is due NEXT Thursday. But I went ahead and started it tonight, just to ease my mind a bit.

And my face is still hideous. But oh well.

Gonna take my pill when I get to Jared's house. Eeeeep.

Edited by sareliz

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DAY SIX

Well this sucks.

Apart from the gross, scabby, scaly area of the first cyst from yesterday, I woke up this morning with two new cysts. BIG-ass cysts. One SMACK-dab in the middle of my right cheek... which I picked at realllllyyyy badly : ( and an absolutely ENORMOUS one riiiight next to the scaly area on my lower left cheek. It is probably the biggest cyst I have ever had on my face, and this is the WORST my skin has been in... years. If I had any doubts before as to whether or not this was the IB... I know now. : (

I just called the dermatology office and made an appointment to get these cysts injected tomorrow at 10:15. Blargh. I hate having to do this. Especially since I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH THEY FREAKIN COST. No one in the office will tell me. And I know my shitty insurance doesn't cover it. At all. Blue Cross Blue Shield of Florida is such a bucket of fail. I've heard they cost anywhere from like 10 dollars to 200 dollars, just from posts in this site and on others. So really, it's bad. I am broke. But I also have issues and I cannot deal with having huge painful lumps on my face for months. Blahhh.

Right now... I HATE YOU ACCUTANE.

And I have work tonight. LOVELY. D:

Seriously, though, if ANYONE can give me a better idea of how much these damn injections cost, please feel free-- no, OBLIGATED -- to share the knowledge with me. I'm probably murdering my meager bank account with this crap.

Gonna go freak out at my face in the mirror and then probably cuddle with Jared for a bit before he finally gets his butt out of bed.

@acnechemist: Thanks. I just hope that A. this stuff doesn't get much worse, B. I don't lose my freaking mind completely (it's already halfway out the psycho door), and C. I don't look like this on my wedding day : (

Edited by sareliz

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I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time of this course. :( Especially since you've been waiting months to get it. But look at the bright side: in a few months, none of these zits now will matter. I know, it's hard, but you'll get there eventually.

Sorry, I don't know how much zit injections cost.

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Hey,

Im so sorry your course isn't going smoothly. :( However, I REALLY recommend you stick it out, knowing that the first 1-3 months may suck. no pain, no gain, i suppose.. just hang on tight and let the accutane work! For me, the first couple weeks felt like forever, but then time started to fly and somehow i'm about two months in. Right now, I am still quite bummed with accutane because my face still sucks. however, i can put up with the shitty skin, just for a little while longer. I hate it, and am miserable, but I can see an end in sight.

What also helps is to think of a time a few months or more away when you want to have clear skin. Just focus on that time, and remember you WILL have clear skin by then! (for me, its been the summer. but if its the beginning of the school year, I will be ok.) Because really, accutane does work, and the only thing worse than an initial breakout is not going through it because you're scared!!

Whatever you decide, good luck and hang in there!!

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And so I come home from work to find ANOTHER goddamn cyst in the middle of my LEFT cheek. I now have like 5 or 6 cysts. And I flipped out and picked... bad. Again. And I kept telling myself I'd be okay because Jared would be here soon. As he said he would. He said he was on the way. And then he calls me and says he is going to go hang out with his friend instead and am I okay with that.

No. I am not okay. The only thing that keeps me going is being with you. I understand you need to see your friends. You're with me 24/7, basically. But I need you. Especially now. I feel like I am falling the fuck apart. You don't get it-- I feel like I am dying. I feel worthless. I feel hideous. Hell, I am hideous. I hate myself. You are the only thing that's good about me. But you can never do enough or be there enough. Maybe I don't need a husband. I need a fucking staff of people ready to take care of me constantly. You're normal. I am NOT. I am insatiably needy. Pathetically dependent. Fatally self-loathing.

I hate this. I hate Accutane. I hate being ugly. I don't care how immature I sound right now. I am UPSET. I hate being so pitiful and only half of who I should be. I hate that I will look like shit on my wedding day. On my wedding night. On my honeymoon.

And I want my fiance in this room with me right now. But I rarely get what I want. Fuck my life.

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I know this is supposed to be about acne, but I saw under your picture that you're from Panama City. I've always wanted to ask someone from PC this: What's it like living there? Do you get sick of the endless stream of drunk spring breakers?

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@wherethecircleends: Ugh. Panama City is.. special. I definitely do get SO sick of drunken idiots. But to me, even worse than that, is the painfully overwhelming amount of SENIOR CITIZENS in this town. It is impossible to get anywhere in town without being late or having to leave super early to compensate for the slooooow drivers. It's really sad. And we have a lot of crazy redneck republicans and uber-conservatives. Of the highly uneducated variety. There are good things about living here: it never gets too cold, the beach is AMAZING (especially St. Andrews State Park <3), and there are a ton of things to do outside during the summer, if you're into those things. But still... after living here since 1st grade... I cannot WAIT to get out!

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DAY NINE

So I missed out on updating on Day Seven and Eight. But I was awfully busy. It was a weird day.

I went to get the cyst injected and the derm lady pokes at it and tells me she is too afraid that if she injected it, it might just atrophy. So she didn't inject it. And when I got home, Jared and I had a huuuuge argument thing because he was telling me I need to keep my hair off that side of my face, stop picking, stop wearing makeup, and wash my face more times during the day. I understand he's trying to help. And to a point he is correct. But I cannot go without makeup. I just really can't. People would stare at me in horror. I use my hair to hide behind, as well. A bad habit... but when that side of my face is covered in cysts it's hard not to do it. Overwashing my face would just make it worse-- and eeeevery time I'd wash I would have to reapply moisturizer and makeup and stuff and it would be a huge waste of time. And I knooooooow I need to stop picking. But goddamnit. It's HARD. I picked just ten minutes ago... at a really weird spot* that is most definitely now forming into a very treacherous cyst. Right in the middle of the area of my cheek beside my nose, below my eye. Well, our argument coupled with the stress and frustration I've been dealing with caused me to totally break down and cry like... hardcore. I mean, honest-to-goodness SOBBING on my bedroom floor while he's sitting in front of me trying to chastise me, lecture me, and comfort me all at once. It ended basically with me saying I'd try to change and him telling me he didn't know why I was so upset because I looked 'beautiful'. He's a liar, but at least he tries, I guess.

Anyway. My face.

STILL SUUUUCKS. I don't even KNOW how many stupid cysts I now have lurking on my face. It's horrriiibbblllleee. I'm trying to stay sane, but DAMN I just look SO gross. It kills me. I've got at least 4 known cysts, and several that are kind of iffy. Two of the cysts are lurking right around my cheekbone (my typical cyst hangout), one is a little bit closer to my hairline but still on the cheekbone, and then* there's the weird spot. This is basically a clogged pore or something that I've had FOREVER. It swells up, gets full of... stuff, looks and acts like a cyst, and then usually I freak out, squeeze it, tooooooonnnnnssss of stuff comes out, it's inflamed but flattens out within a few days and then slowly builds back up again. This cycle has occurred like 6 times. I do not kid you one bit. Well, this time I've been trying to ignore it and not squeeze it because I wanted to let the Accutane wipe it out. But it's gotten huuuuge. And it's kind of forming a head? Almost? I went a little crazy when I got home and squeezed it juuust a little bit and it flipped out. Like it got very offended by my picking at it. The pore NEXT to it, which is/was also clogged evidently released a teeny bit of stuff. But the actual pore, the huge lump of a weird spot with a pseudo-head on it, only got more inflamed and swollen. Fan-fucking-tastic. So that's one more cyst on the list. Also, the red scar lump thing on my right cheek is being a bitch and has two inflamed zit things on it. It's SO annoying. I know there are other monsters chilling on that side of my face, too, just biding their precious pimple time. Freaking suuuuuucks to be me right about now.

Oh and I am most definitely getting sick, on top of everything else. And I have work to do. Lotssss of work to do. GAHHHH. x0

I have a present for you all. PICTURES! OF MY HIDEOUS FACE! You're welcome.

Oh, and by the way, the lighting makes it look SO much better than it is. Jared's bathroom's lighting is very flattering, even for an ugly girl like me. So yeah. And my face is WORSE tonight by faaaar than it was even this morning. So lame.

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Jared's here. Gonna go now. Byyyyyyyyye.

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Edited by sareliz

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I think you are being wayy to hard on yourself. Though I am there pretty much every day with you...its much easier to judge your own appearance.

I think you are very cute! You don't give yourself justice at all.

And the skin should definitely get better with time! Try to stay with it...and rant and rave here all you want. Its what this place is for :)

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Hey!

Thanks for the pics! Now I can tell you that your are totally and completely

B E A U T I F U L !!!!!!

Now I know you probably just disregarded the compliment and you've told yourself that I'm either crazy or the only pics I saw weren't good or that I don't know what I'm talking about... BUT I'm telling you it's true!

I know you don't believe me because I don't really believe most compliments I receive either. Even if it's from my fiance who has decided he would actually spend the rest of his life with me... nope doesn't matter ... until very very very recently I couldn't believe one nice world that came out of anyones mouth or printed itself onto my log ...

But again... IT"S TRUE and I hope that feeling of believing it comes very soon for you .... because I'm going to keep telling you until I think you get it :D lol

I know your skin seems terrible and to you it probably isthe worst thing you've ever seen. But remember that we all judge ourselves much more severely and I can honestly tell you that it's not as bad as you think it is!

Give the accutane time, IT WILL WORK have faith and vent all you need to !!! But no matter how much you vent ... I'm still going to msg you and tell you that you're pretty! and that I know that you will believe it soon!

I hope you had an ok weekend otherwise!

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I think you are being wayy to hard on yourself. Though I am there pretty much every day with you...its much easier to judge your own appearance.

I think you are very cute! You don't give yourself justice at all.

And the skin should definitely get better with time! Try to stay with it...and rant and rave here all you want. Its what this place is for :)

Exactly, i know as an acne suffer you hate others saying "It really is not that bad" because i hate hearing that too, but sometimes it does take someone else to be the judge since we are our own worst critic.

So i hate to say it but, you really do not look bad at all, i think it looks very mild. Your skin tone is still so good you can hardly notice. I know you bf sees the same thing, he sees that you are so beautiful inside and out that he does not even notice, nor does others.

Like you though i know you dont compare yourself to others and you only compare on how you use to be like i do and that is what makes it so tough. Sometimes we just need to take a step back and really think about what we are complaining about. I still work on that perspective. Hold your chin up girl for your beautiful and have a lot going for you and have someone that loves you for you and wants to spend eternity with you! Good luck on rest of your course!

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You are being too hard on yourself. You're really quite pretty and your skin isn't THAT bad (meaning, it's not the minefield you make it out to be.) However, I can relate. Whenever I look in the mirror too long, I start to think, "How the hell can ANYONE think I look good? I look like a fucking muskrat." I think my skin is downright awful and gross and speckled and red-marked, and then I see someone with a face that looks like the landscape of Io and I have a little moment of self-reflection and realize I could have it far worse. Plus, we're all our own worst critics. Most people don't even notice all the odd flaws that we think plague us.

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You are beautiful! Don't ever forget that! Thanks for posting pictures. I know it's hard, but it's so worth it to be able to see your progress. When those cysts clear up, your skin is going to look absolutely flawless! Stay strong!

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