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I frickin' hate my life right now. Like majorly. It's been that way for quite a long time now. My life revolves around me worrying about the way I look and my skin, etc. I have this plan in my head of how I want to go about fixing it, but I don't have all that much money. It's really not that bad acne-wise I guess. I get breakouts a lot, but they are mild. My skin texture sucks, though! It's like gross, I don't know how to explain it. And under my eyes, the skin is ugly looking. It's thin and bumpy and always makes me look tired. It also looks like I have wrinkles whenever I even smile a little and 'Im only 19. Then I have some scars on my body that bug me a lot, too. One of my ears sticks out more than the other. I could go on and on with things I hate about myself, but I won't.

Beyond that, I have no close friends. I have quite a few acquaintances at work and school, but I don't consider them friends because I don't hang out with them outside of work/school. It's lame. I want friends, I'm just not good at making them. I'm pretty shy and insecure with myself. I play it off like I do, though. I mean, my acquaintances think I have other friends that I'm close to and stuff. My best friend is my cousin who lives in Colorado, so I hardly ever see her. I talk to her all the time, though. I'm seriously considering moving out there this summer. I feel as if it will give me a new start in life. I'd be living on my own for the first time in my life. I'd be able to just start out fresh kinda. That is the one thing that is giving me hope right now.

I also have some mental health issues. I know I have ADD and a form of OCD, but I have not gone to a doctor about this. My ADD issues make me feel like I'm a worthless idiot at times. It's like I can't focus or say anything write most of the time. I hate it so much, cause I know I'm a somewhat intelligent person, but that does not show. The OCD drives me insane sometimes, too. It's not the typical OCD, where you obsess with rituals all the time. It's called purely obsessional OCD. It's all a mind thing and at times it's been so bad I've literally wanted to kill myself. It puts the most f*cked up things in your head and makes you think you believe them. It's horrible.

I started college this year, too. I went in thinking I was gonna do so well, but ended up doing terrible my first semester. I just lost focus and got off track. That is so unlike me, too. I did so well in high school. I don't know what happened. I guess I just felt like school could be almost worthless if I'll never be happy with myself in life. I'm in my second semester now and I'm kinda getting off track again already. I'm doing pretty good, but I keep getting so behind on my school work. It's like I just can't even bring myself to do it sometimes.

I don't know what I'm getting at here, I guess I just feel like I'm so screwed up beyond repair. I sometimes contemplate suicide, although I'm pretty sure I'd be too scared to ever do anything about it. Sometimes it just seems like the only option, though.

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:comfort:

First of all, about the things you hate about yourself, you are just being perfecctionist and self-conscious. I believe that your only phsycally problem is acne, which destroyed your self-esteem and made you hate your body. You want to be a mannequin, a flawless model of human race. Stop that! You are unique, special, the ycgirl. There is nothing wrong with you. You have to change your perception of yourself. For example, I loved the area under your eyes, I found it very very sexy. :D

About saying stupidy things, you are not alone. Check my topic here . I wish I could say the things I can write/think, but this is not easy. :doubt: You have to work hard to be what you want to be. Don't give up, just think "Hey, I can be anything that I want. I'm not what I want to be right now, but thats okay, cause that give me the chance to be anything else."

Check these sites:

Confidence

Be Yourself

Find Yourself

Edited by Bolkonsky
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honestly you are stunningly beautiful.. looking through your pictures, i could see you as a perfect model for what others could only dream.

anything you think is wrong with yourself is purely in your head. and i guarantee no body else sees any of the imperfections you perceive.

i know it can be hard to make friends sometimes. but you just have to try. hell i go through classes everyday just hoping for a girl like you to talk to me.. and if they ever do(very seldom), i usually get too nervous to say anything and end up looking like a wreck..

but definitely dont contemplate suicide. youre still young and have a whole life ahead of you. focus on the things that are important to you now and get through them so that you can look back and be proud. school for instance. it can be hard, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

i dont know if any of this helps, but if you ever need someone to talk to or just a friend in a far place.. im always around (:

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Hey, ycgirl.

I am very sorry to hear that you are having a very hard time coping with acne, but please check with a counselor on this issue. While you may voice various issues at the Emotional And Psychological Effects Of Acne forum, we strongly feel this is not a suitable place to share suicidal thoughts with other members. I strongly encourage you to seek a professional assistance on this matter.

Information about professional assistance can be found here:

http://www.acne.org/messageboard/resources...lai-t16184.html

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