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DAY 48

I know I haven't updated lately. A lot has been going on that I don't really want to talk about so I'll just mention it all and then that's it.

First of all, the stomach flu (I think I've said this all before) has been going around my house. I haven't gotten it yet but I haven't been going to school just because of a little tummy ache cause I'm paranoid of throwing up while at school (ew). I've made a promise to myself that after March break (which is this coming week) I will not miss any more school!

Second, my boyfriend has broken up with me. However it's all confusing and messed up but yeah.

Third, my dad had a heart attack.

So sorry for not updating and not having any pictures! I promise pictures the next time I update.

acne-wise: My skin is actually doing A LOT better. I have one active (the one above my right eyebrow) and three healing spots. The big problem spot that's on my right cheek isn't as gross looking but it isn't exactly scabbing over. It's just like a bunch of floppy, broken skin and it's annoying.

I also scratched at one place on my right cheek, cause it was itchy. And then I looked in the mirror and the place I scratched was bleeding =/ apparently what I thought was a scar was really just a very, almost healed scab and I had picked at it without knowledge! It's beyond annoying.

The other healing spot is on the right side of my chin and isn't that bad at all.

I still have a lot of random bumps here and there... mostly blackheads coming to the surface. I'm proud to say I've restrained myself from picking them! yay!

My blackheads on my nose are still here, but whatever.

My pores still look a little big. People that have almost finished Accutane, when did your pores start looking normal? Or are they always gonna be this abnormal? lol

My scars also look A LOT better. You can hardly see most of them now. It's a big improvement.

The weird thing is my skin is getting better but my self-esteem is not. I still look in the mirror and see the problem spots (mostly my big pores, healing spots, and my one active) and think I look horrible. I think it's mostly because, yes my skin looks better, but I've seen it like this before. When I'm saying better, I mean my IB is better. But overall I haven't seen any positive effects on my skin due to 'tane (other than the no oil production!! I am still loving that part).

side effects: Some same, some new.

- dry lips

- no dry skin really

- back ache

- head aches

- my nose is pretty dry but at the FEW times I ever have to blow my nose, there's no more blood

- loss of appetite

- gets sick easily

- and I said lightheadedness before but it's like to the extreme now. My derma appointment is this Friday and I'm definitely going to be bringing that up to him because it's getting really worrisome.

- I also have slightly blurry vision. I've always had really bad vision to begin with and I hardly ever wear my glasses so I'm use to the blurry world but it's more blurry then usual. I hate wearing glasses but I now find it annoying NOT to wear them because everything is soooooo blurry. I'm definitely bringing this up to my derma too... and going to talk to my eye doctor about getting contacts.

Other than that I've had stomach aches but again I don't know if that's 'tane or just the fact that the stomach flu is going around and I may be getting it.

personal life: Obviously right now I'm not exactly the happiest person on Earth so I'm not even going to put "mood swings" as a side effect because it definitely is not one. I will, however, tell my derma that I've been upset lately because I've been going through some difficult times at the moment. But I think it'll be okay because my derma really doesn't believe Accutane causes depression and nor do I. In fact, despite everything I'm going through right now I'm not that upset... I mean obviously I am but I can put on a false face just fine lol. Either way, I'm not concerned about depression.

random me fact: I'm starting to forget what I've already told everyone in this "fact" section lol so sorry if I'm repeating myself, just inform me and I'll change the fact =p

I loooooooove children. Mostly babies (because who doesn't love babies?) but I honestly I just love kids. Ever since I can remember all I've wanted in my life is to have kids. I use to go around telling my family that I was going to start a family at the age of 18 (because then it's legal to get married). I was about 4 when I said this lol. Obviously I'm not planning to get married this year! Nor am I planning to have kids this year! lol so I guess my four year old self was wrong. I'm not starting a family at 18 (however, I wouldn't object to the idea lol)

responses:

sdsurunner07: Well I'm not throwing away anything. I'm still going to university (thinking about going to one out of the city so that would also be moving away). I was actually planning to travel too, with or without a bf. My bf lives about 3 thousand miles away from me.. it's not like we're joined at the hip or believe we need to do everything together. I think if I ever got into a relationship like that I would suffocate.

faithinhim: lol same. now that I think about it, who really can walk in a straight line? like a perfect straight line. I don't think it's possible!

all_about_eve: my bf and I are the same distance as you two! (I live in Canada, he's in Europe). And I can agree to the bank account thing! One of the reasons I hardly ever go over there lol.

how was valentine's day? I wanted to see Taylor Swifts acting! lol is she any good? I've read reviews that she isn't good at all =/

Julius Jones: omg sorry! I totally got you and someone else mixed up!

ooo, as a survivor of accutane do you have any of those horror stories? =/ I hate them but I'm definitely up for any tips or information you could give me!

aww and thanks about the pics!

Edited by conspiracy83
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what are the chances! where abouts in europe is your guy? i'll laugh if they turn out to be flatmates or something haha. i've been over twice in the last 7 or 8 months, finding the time/money really is hard. but i definietly have become a believer in the phrase absence makes the heart grow fonder ( so cheesy, i know haha). Do you have an upcoming visit planned at all?and sweet baby jesus taylor swift is the worlds worst actress!!! haha she was terrible, but she's so cute she can get away with it. hope you're doing good lady!
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DAY 53

I know, I suck at updating lately.

And I must apology lots and lots because I don't have any pictures as my mom took the camera to my grandparents. I should really get my own camera at some point lol.

acne-wise: Everything's been pretty amazing. I get a tiny spot every now and then and if I don't pick it it goes away relatively fast (like within a day or two!).

My skin is NEVER oily and isn't that dry. However I have found that with my face and all over my body my skin doesn't absorb things really well. Like if I put on moisturizer it feels like it's staying on the top of my skin forever.

I'd say I have about 7 healing spots.. all of them on the right side of my face. However they're all VERY easy to cover. They're just taking a bit longer than normal to heal completely.

My blackheads are still there and annoying the fuck out of me. When will they start to disappear?!

Other than, no new breakouts, yay!!

side effects: I didn't know whether to put this in my acne section or not but I'll just put it here: basically I have these two spots near each other on my left arm. I only noticed them recently because it got very itchy. One spot is kinda bumpy and red so I thought it was some random pimple (as I've people get pimples on random spot on their body when they take Acctuane). Though it got really itchy and I then notice another spot about 2cm away from the bumpy one. This other spot is just kinda like broken skin, I'm guessing from scratching so much. I put moisturizer on the spots and around them hoping it would stop the itching and it kinda did. I have my derma appointment tomorrow so I'll definitely be bringign this up to him.

Other than that, same old side effects:

- dry lips

- not overly dry skin at all

- tiredness!

- headaches

- my eyes are starting to look a little redder but they don't feel very dry

- stomach aches, mostly after I eat (which I'll also be bringing up to my derma tomorrow)

I went walking a lot today for the first time in awhile and I feel physically and emotionally drained. It could be from never really getting a lot of excerise and being on 'tane, however I thought I'd mention it.

Not much else to report, everything's been pretty good, content at least.

random me fact: I use to go horse back ridding every summer when I was younger. I didn't just love ridding though, I use to love taking care of the horses (even mocking out the stales!). My mom came to visit me once (as I was leasing a horse while staying up with my grandparents) and she said it was the most she's ever seen me work and just couldn't believe it. I actually truly loved every second of it though.

Sadly, I had to stop because it was too hard to get down to the country all the time and it was hard on our wallets!

I miss horse back ridding a lot now.

responses:

all_about_eve: He lives in the UK =) where abouts is your guy? =p

I actually have never been down there to see him, though I wish I had the money! And we did have a plan for him to come here for a month this summer but his mom was recently diganosed with cancer so he won't be able to make it =(

bahaha, I kinda wanna see Valentine's Day just to see Taylor Swift's bad acting. Though I do agree she's so cute she would be able to get away with it!

Hope you're doing good too!

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DAY 57

(week 9)

acne-wise: still kind of breaking out regularly. I have a couple bumps coming up here and there on my face and I try not to pick them. I don't exactly know how long they last though because, sadly, I do end up picking them -_-;

I have a lot of healing spots on my right side but that's not really new to me.

My big scars that annoyed me the most on my right side of my face are completely gone thanks to Derma E Scar Gel. However, little scars are scattered all over my cheeks and you can definitely see them more.

I feel like my skin is A LOT paler than I'm use to and this is why my scars are showing more. It's not just the scars though that make me think this - when I put on my makeup it's a shade darker than my actual skin tone and it use to be perfectly matched to my skin tone before =/ the horrible thing is I'm using the lightest shade of my makeup already... I don't even know if they make a lighter shade lol.

I honestly don't feel any change in my acne. I still breakout, I still have blackheads everywhere. The ONLY difference is that there's no oil production on my face so I can wear my makeup as long as I want without it looking greasey.

Derma Appointment: My derma app was Tuesday and it went the same as always, quick. My derma doesn't seem too concerned about my skin STILL breaking out and is keeping me on 40mg a day. I'm trying not to be too concerned with it and have faith in my doctor but I honestly feel like my dose should be upped a TINY bit even. Ah well. If I don't clear by next month I'm definitely demanding he ups my dosage because my prom is in May and I really want perfect skin for that!

side effects:

- My lips don't exactly look dry but I can feel it. Also the skin on my lips is easy to rip off and I find myself picking my lips a lot in order to not pick my face! haha My mom keeps commenting on how much bigger my lips look now, probably because they're so swollen from the picking but ah well, it doesn't both me that much at all.

- My skin is definitely starting to get drier and it is now a must that I wear moisturizer all over at all times!

- My skin is also VEEEEERY thin right now. If I go to pick my skin and often ends VERY badly because my skin just peels away. It's the same anywhere on my body. I got a cut on my arm from some mysteries object and it hasn't healed and it's been almost 3 weeks! it's a small cut but still... you would thin it would of healed by now.

- I also bruise like a fucking peach now. I'm usually not prone to bruising at all.. in fact I hardly EVER bruise. However, I now have lovely black, purple, and yellow bruises all over my body from mysteries objects that I must have bumped into at one point or another. The weird thing is these bruises don't exactly hurt, they just look REALLY bad.

- I'm more prone to headaches now but it's not that bad.

- back pains still, but again, not that bad

- and last but not least, tiredness!! honestly, the worse side effect (next to the really thin skin shit). I'm just always sleepy but whatever, I'm getting use to it.

pictures! : I've decided to show you what I look like with makeup on too. So I took these pictures about ten minutes ago with my makeup on (been on since 10 this morning) and then I washed my makeup off and took pictures of my skin like that. So here ya go:

right side with makeup

left side with makeup

right side without makeup

left side without makeup

Personally, I don't see a big improvement.

random me fact: I have a brother that's eight years older than me (so he's 25 yrs old). I love him to death. My mom will often tell people that we were the best siblings ever because we never fought and still don't. He moved out a couple years ago and I miss him like crazy but we still get together as often as we can. He's a Graphic Designer and working as one at a funeral home! which is hilarious because both my brother and I are huge zombie movie fans!!

Yeah... okay, that was a lame random fact but I'm running out of ideas! (how sad is that? lol)

toodles :ninja:

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UPDATE (DAY 58)

acne-wise: three new spots came up today -_- and I have a bunch of little tiny spots under my skin that are annoying the fuck out of me... *sighs*

in a couple days I start month 3... why haven't I cleared up yet?

I'm starting to feel like this stuff isn't working at all for me...

I have no confidence in myself lately. All I see are negative things about myself.

Lately I've cancelled all my plans with people because of my acne. My friend, who has PERFECT skin (like seriously, I want her skin lol) was just like "come on, just come hang out with us, it'll be fun" and my first thought was "no, it won't be fun because all I'll want to do is hide my face from everyone and I'll be so concerned about it that I'll end up leaving early anyways."

I miss being able to:

- not have my acne control whether or not I hang out with my friends that day

- not depending on makeup to make me somewhat confident

- resting my face on my hands and not having to worry if that'll cause me to break out or not

- being able to push my hair away from my face and not worrying whether people are staring at my acne or not

- resting my head on a pillow properly

- not feeling awkward when a ProActiv commercial comes on

- not being scared about meeting someone for the first time and having them judge me by my acne

- not being shy around groups of people

- not being scared to do a presentation in class

- wake up in the morning and not think "what is my face going to look like today?"

- not having to stand infront of the mirror for hours and hating every minute of it

- not having to skip class or work because I can't get my makeup to make me look somewhat decent

- not having to look at everyone's skin and thinking "fuck, they're perfect"

- not being a hermit, living in my room all by myself

- being able to go ANYWHERE without makeup on

what do you miss being able to do?

Edited by conspiracy83
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Wow, right there with you....I'm starting Accutane next month. Sorry to hear it hasn't been going so well for you....BUT I'm glad to hear someone is struggling with similar issues. HAHA...didn't realize OTHER people were annoyed by the ProActive commercials...I've almost physically attacked several people, who ask me if I'VE TRIED Proactive yet- LIKE...NO...I HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF THAT...THANKS!! If they only knew, is it NOT THAT EASY! DAMN Jessica Simpson and her clear skin...
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OMG OMG OMG! I haven't been on this site forever and ever and I have missssed you and your log! :wub:

So I am going to be responding to stuff that is soo old!

I can't walk in a straight line either! People think I am drunk or stoned or something haha. People are always like "You are going to run me into this wall in a minute" because if they walk on my right side I continually bump into them!

And kids are awesome! Though I always say I want to skip to the grandma part. Like spoil them and have so much fun, but none of the discipline or hard parts. I also think I would rather have sons. Daughters create too much drama!

Your miss list is very much like mine! Though I miss being able to walk into a room and not worrying "how does my skin look in this light??" The proactive commercials always make me cringe!

I, by the way think your skin looks pretty amazingful! Dont let the people with perfect skin get you down, since you skin will eventually be as good as theirs. Except you will be better than them because you will actually appreciate it! :D

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Hey. I’m really sorry to hear about you bf and about you dad(I hope he is okay). I hope everything picks itself up and gets better for you in terms of that.

So I can’t think of things I miss being able to do because my skin seems to have been breaking out sooooo long but I can still relate to a lot of the stuff you posted. First Proactive commercials... I HATE them! every time they come on I want to throw my shoe at the TV and yell “NO proactive you DON’T work! SO shut up Avril/Jessica Simpson/Katy Perry/ whoever else it may have cured that ONE pimple but not my skinâ€. LOL oh my, Proactive...

I also relate to feeling insecure without makeup and not wanting to do class presentations, go out with friends, meet new people, ect.

Finally the friends having perfect skin thing, ugh. The other day my clear skinned roommate came up to me and complained endlessly about her ONE pimple. Literally one. It was annoying because I have dealt with that everyday for years. I’m always jealous of those friends.

Hopefully all this gets better after Accutane.

p.s.- Chin up girl, I think your skin is showing a lot of improvement and you still have some time left w/ the treatment. Good luck.

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DAY 59

acne-wise: still shit. I got three spots. One BIG bump on my problem area (right side of chin) and then a medium size one beside that and then I have a smallish one that's really annoying me on my left cheek.

I also have a BUNCH of spots under the skin that you can't really see unless I have no makeup on and I'm in natural lighting.

My blackheads are still every where too. The ones on my cheek are starting to annoy me the most.

I have one big healing spot on my right cheek. I'm trying not to touch it to let it heal. I have a bunch of other healing spots but they're regularly tiny and easy to cover-ish with makeup.

*sighs*

Honestly feelings like I'm never going to be clear

side effects: I've had a bad headache for most of today and my back hurts more than usual, nothing unbearable however thankfully.

My lips and skin, as usual, aren't that dry at all. Though I can feel them gradually getting drier.

My hair is very brittle and I really have to figure out a way to get out of the habit of washing it every day... any ideas? (I feel really weird without washing it and I have to have a shower every morning or I feel dirty and gross all day)

Other than that I haven't had many side effects at all.

Venting: As Accutane is a big part of my life and I wish I could talk about it with more people... but it's just embarrassing. So I tried to talk to my mom about it but she's honestly no help. When I talk about my skin it just makes me feel awkward so I try to stay away from the topic about how my skin isn't doing any better at all...

Instead I try to talk about the side effects but she's not supportive at all. Today I said something like "ugh, my back really hurts today" (because it honestly hurts more than it usually does) and my mom literally laughed and was like "you're 17!" and then I said "no, it's got to be from accutane" and then she was like "oh please, I'm sure you were out of shape before" like I shouldn't be blaming everything on 'tane (which I'm not, I just know that back pains are one of the more noticable side effects and I never had back pains before). When I said I've never had back pains before to my mom she was just like "yeah well.. whatever" and started talking about something else.

It's like she doesn't even really care that much or want to know what I'm going through.

Then, for the first time, she brought me to my derma appointment the other day and when I told her I didn't need her to go in she was all "well, fine." and acted all pissed off. I'm almost 18.. it's not like I need her in the doctors office with me anymore. Plus, it's embarrassing enough without her being all negative about me to a doctor.

Anyways, I mentioned once that I was disappointed that my skin honestly isn't getting any better and she was like "you should of let me go into the appointment with you to talk to the derma". And I said that I didn't see what her saying "it isn't getting better" would be any different to me saying it. Then she got all upset like it truly would of made a difference if she was in the appointment with me to say that. But honestly.. I don't think it would of made a difference. The derma SEES my skin condition every month, I'm sure he realizes its not getting any better.

I feel at a lose of what to do. I honestly thought I'd at least stop breaking out by now but I'm not. School starts again on Monday and my skin looks WORSE then when the week break started.

I was also skipping classes alot because of my skin condition before the break and I made a promise to myself to stop doing that after the break but now I can make no such promise. If my skin is still looking so horrible I can't have the confidence enough to even leave my room.

*sighs*

Personal life: I said before that my boyfriend and I broke up buuuuut we're back together. Or well, at least working on things. He's now decided to come here this summer after all... though I still have my doubts. I don't know... I have my doubts about everything now. I'm just not confident with anything anymore.

However, being with him again is making me feel a bit better. I can relax a bit more now I guess.

School stresses me out a lot more than usual lately. It's mostly from the breakouts... I don't want to go to school because of them. I look so horrible that I can't even concentrate in class cause all I can think about is "omg, I want this to be over so I can go home and get away from these people".

It's really bad.

My skin was at its all time worse when I was 12-13 years old and I use to go to school with no makeup. I honestly don't know how I did it... granted it was a WAY smaller school then and I was with kids that I'd known since we were in diapers. However, I remember not being very confident then either but my skin still didn't bother me as much. I was a little more free to live my life then I am now.

I now feel very closed off to everything. I honestly live in my room and I'm happier there because if I go outside of my room I have to face people.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm losing who I am because of all this.

Ugh, my posts are so lame and depressing lately lol sorry. I'm just upset that this Accutane stuff isn't where I thought it would be now. However, I'm sticking with it because it's the only chance I have to perfect skin... and it's gotta be here somewhere!

random me fact: I adore Hayao Miyazaki... well his work lol.

Nausicaa is my favourite of all his work. I own the movie and the volumes 1-3 of the manga. I wish I could read japanese cause I would for sure get the japanese version of everything he does cause I just feel its more... real I guess.

When I was a kid I was obsessed with My Neighbor Totoro! And I still love it... however I grew up with the Fox verison and they don't sell that anymore really as Disney took over making Miyazaki's stuff in english. Anyways, the Disney version has different voices for the Totoro characters AND the words and phrasing is different for almost EVERYTHING so I hate the disney version.

My other favourites are Kiki's Delivery Service, Spirited Away (obviously... basically everyone knows that film.. at least everyone I know does lol), Howl's Moving Castle (Howl is a hottie), and his newest film... Ponyo (honestly so cute <3 )

OH!! and and and Porco Rosso.

The only film of his I haven't seen is Princess Mononoke.. but I was babysitting a little girl and her father said its really good. I just haven't found it for sale yet anywhere =(

My cousin has been living in Japan and teaching english there for awhile now and I keep meaning to take a trip there because I love their culture and everything but it's soooooooo expensive to just even fly there! One day I will though hopefully =)

responses:

Juliet7714: I commented on your log but I also wanted to say on here, good luck with Accutane!!

and yeah, I totally agree that ProActive is just shit... I actually once had a derma recommend it to me and I was just like "I've already tried it -_-; "

KeepSmilingThrough: where have ya been?! I was actually going to comment on something of yours to be like "where are ya?" but here you are! Hope everything's ok =)

I'll agree that girls are more drama but I still want mostly daughters.. or, well, I want an equal amount of both sons and daughters really lol. But I just looooove little girls. I always want to braid their hair and stuff =p

bahaha, I never thought of being a grandmother as the better part but I now totally agree! the grandma part does sound like more fun haha

aww thanks ^_^ yeah... we're all definitely going to appericate our soon to be gorgeous skin more than the others that have it easy.

Mocha_001: thanks =) like I said in this post, my bf and I are back together so that's good.

And my dad is good. It was a mild heart attack and there was no damage to his heart so he got off lucky.

Lol the more I talk to people that suffer from acne the more I hear how shit ProActive is. It's so funny too because I remember when I first got it I was like "omg this is going to clear me up!!" and it did... for all of like one week lol. Ugh.. so bad.

OMG! I can totally relate to the friend obsessing over one pimple. My friend the other day did that and it was sooooo tiny. I was like "dude, put some coverup over it and go away" in all honesty it didn't even need cover up it was so tiny. Personally, I don't understand why people do that. I brought it up to my friend who also has acne (but not that badly) and she was like "maybe she wants to relate to your problem some how...?" and that's just even worse. It's like.. what? you think you're like me because you got one pimple? wow. Not to mention the friend that was obsessing has PERFECT skin (honestly, no blackheads, no pores showing, no scars) and she got ONE tiny little pimple near her hairline where you can't even see it unless you point it out and she goes crazy.

UGH!! Sorry.. I'm totally venting now lol.

Sometimes I wish everyone could suffer as badly as we do just once in their life so we would all know what it's like.

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DAY 60 start of month 3

This is the worse my skin has been all year.

Four crysts... two on my left cheek/jawline and two on the right side of my chin

a bunch of healing spots, mostly on the right side of my face.

pictures: (excuse the messy hair, I had just had a shower... also I took these pictures with PhotoBooth on my mac and they defintely make my skin looks better than it really is as you can't see my blackheads like you can when I take the pics with my camera)

right side

left side

Also does anyone know how to change the flash in PhotoBooth?

urgh... school tomorrow and I have to figure out how to cover this mess... Fuck my life.

Edited by conspiracy83
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Sooo sorry that things aren't looking up for you. Think positive thoughts...stress just makes things worse right?? So, if all else fails....try ignoring your face and pretend like you don't care??? HAHAHA I realize that is NOT actual advice- BUT I occasionally get fever blisters on my lip and when I obsess over NOT getting one and think negative, a fever blister usually arises.

Just repeat, I will not break out...i will not break out...

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DAY 61

I was a stupid head and I picked at my gaint cysts and my little one beside it :wall:

I also picked at the white headish spot I have on my left cheek... it was a white head when I popped it but is now not healing so nicely.

My other spot on my jawline on the left side I haven't touched as it's not exactly formed or anything.. just kinda hurts.

I also found ANOTHER new spot.. it's right in between my nose and my lips on the left side, kinda on my cheek a bit. I can see that it'll be ready to pop soon as I can see the white head forming. Yuck.

The right side of my face has A LOT of healing to do. As I picked this gaint cysts that wasn't ready to be popped its now a bumpy big scab. It's really annoying but it hurts SO bad.

And then just above it is my little cyst that I picked and is now scabby and not fully ready to give up. THEN around all that is about two other scabs and then to the right side of those are three scabs that were cysts that I picked awhile back but haven't healed yet.

I also have a healing spot on the left side beside my nose... this was not a pimple or anything.. well it was a couple weeks ago but when I was washing my face I must of scrubbed too hard and the scab now re-opened... same with two scabs on the left side of my nose. :doubt:

My whole face just hurts and I just want to cry... therefore I didn't go to school again today (after having a week of fucking spring break too).

*sighs* I'm just praying :pray: that it's better tomorrow morning because I have to go to school tomorrow and Wednesday.

At least a long weekend is coming up after this one. Thank you Easter!

Plus, I counted and I have about 55 more days or so of a school day (so not including weekends) till exams start. Mmm, 50 or so more days of high school... I can just feel my relief starting already.

responses:

Juliet7714: Actually, my breakouts happen just when I'm about to be happy with my skin.. honest to God. I'll be thinking "wow my skin has been so amazing lately" and then BAM!!! all hell breaks loose. I never stress over breaking out unless I am breaking out.. it's really annoying *sighs* ah well, I've heard this can happen when on Accutane.. random IBs happening throughout your course. I read through some peoples logs and it seems by day 80 - 90 things start clearing up for good... all I can hope is that I start clearing up fast and I'm clear with gorgeous skin for my prom day! (May 20th... day 120 for me on 'tane). And hopefully clear and gorgeous for the rest of my life on wards lol

Edited by conspiracy83
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hey pretty lady!

just checking up on you! i'm glad you and your man are working on things - and if you ever need someone to vent about the woes of long distance with im here for you! congrats on almost being done high school! thats awesome! are you thinking of university? unfortunatley the school stress only gets worse...but the parties way better so it's an OK trade. I hope you're feeling better about everything soon. I know how it feels when you think your face is a mess and you dont want to face anyone, but the people in your life love you for who you are no matter what. So try and have some fun while accutane works its magic all right? keep your head up girl.

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DAY 64

acne-wise: Still acting up a bit but its more just healing spots than anything else now. Today was my first day going to school this week as I just couldn't get my makeup to look right. It still didn't look perfect and all I wanted was to get the hell out of there but whatever, I have to go to school at some point I guess.

I would guess about eight healing spots all together... three that are all together on the right side of my chin and are a HORRIBLE pain to cover. And one on my left cheek is right under another healing spot but the one under it is PAINFUL.. and still kinda bumpy and scabby. Gah.

side effects: Today I noticed that my right knee is hurting, definitely a joint pain thing but maybe not from accutane? though I'm guessing it is. Whatever, not that big of a deal.

I have bad problems with my right shoulder hurting a lot and its definitely hurting today. It's mostly because for the 3 days I wasn't at school I helped my mom with her at home daycare center so I was picking and putting down a lot of kids. Plus, at school the tables are level with the chairs so when I'm writing it hurts a lot. Again, ah well, not a big deal.

I don't have that bad of back pains really.

No REALLY dry skin, but it's somewhat dry. It feels more dry than it looks.

My lips are definitely dry but not that unbearable.

Always tired, as per usual.

Lack of motivation but I think that's more because my skin is breaking out.

Lack of appetite.

Venting: I'm getting really pissed off with my mother lately. She thinks she knows everything and often is like "this is what you should do.." especially when it comes to my skin.

The thing that annoys me the most is one day I'll be like "ugh, my back hurts" and my mom will come back with "oh please, you're a teenager, you don't have back pains yet" and when I explain it's most likely from acctuane she'll say "yeah right, suck it up" basically.

Then one day I'll say "ugh, my knee hurts" (which I did today) and she goes "ugh, well if your skin doesn't clear up I'm taking you off accutane!"

It's like, okay woman, decide what side you're on about all this. Not to mention that just because I'm still breaking out doesn't mean accutane isn't doing its thing. I was warned by A DOCTOR that I could be breaking out all throughout my course till the last month. I was also warned by A DOCTOR of the side effects and my mom was given information too (which she didn't read) which was all about the IBs and the side effects etc.

The worse is when it comes to me putting on my makeup. My mom will give me "tips" on how to do my makeup... but my mom has NEVER done her own makeup in her whole life. And I've never seen pictures or her in person with makeup on.

The other bad thing is she'll get like a TINY pimple somewhere and be like "oh you know it's such a pain. I know exactly what you're going through." No, sorry, but you have no fucking clue what I'm going through. Sometimes I just wanna say "fuck you" to her so she'll go away and shut up.

Stress: So much homework!

I right now have all this to do:

- read two books (The Stone Angel and The Tale of Two Cities - both pretty boring)

- write three essays (one on the theme of individualism in Brave New World, one on the existence of God - philosopher views - worth 15% of my mark, and one on woman in the labour force of Canada and how they effect the economy)

- put together a 20 minute presentation to go with my woman in the labour force and how they effect the economy essay (the presentation + the essay is worth 15% of my mark)

- a presentation about the author of Brave New World and Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

- finish a story I'm writing as my final evaluation for Writer's Craft (I'm a little more than half way done)

- write (I think it's suppose to be...) 3 plays. One of the plays has to be written for next week and I have to choose my favorite scene, get some actors together from my class, and get them to perform that scene

- read King Lear AND Hamlet.. and write notes on both of them

- put together a visually artistic music video (a group project so I have two other partners for this)

- in a couple of weeks I'll be starting my final evaluation project (worth 30% of my mark) of a visually artistic video

and ALL this either has to be done next week (the Brave New World essay and the 3 plays do at least) and then the rest is ALL do around the same time (last week/first week of April/May)

Along with all that work I also have to do all my work we're doing in class! Then.. after a couple weeks of relaxing once ALL that work is done we have exams and I'll be studying madly for them (especially my economics exam as I REALLY need to pass that class)

Beside all that work I also have to deal with my mom being all bitchy to me and ranting about random shit to me. I also have my grandma's 80th birthday party (which will take up the WHOLE weekend) in a couple weeks. Then I also have my grandparents 60th (I think it's their 60th =/ ) wedding anniversary RIGHT when exams start... which mean I won't have that weekend to study for any exams I have that week.

I'm honestly like flipping out about all this. Which actually may be why I'm still breaking out =/

I also have a very caring but annoying friend running down my neck being like "you should come out and party with me and my friends!!" and I'm just like "dude, homework. can't. no time." and she's just like "bullshit" but it's honestly not bullshit.

Along with the tiredness that comes with accutane I'm hardly doing all the work I need to do during my time after school and when the weekend comes that's honestly ALL I'm doing (well... I take breaks and watch some movies or TV here and there but that's honestly all I can do cause I'm so freakin tired)

Ugh... and they say university is harder than this? I'm going to be so fucked!

On the good side, I got into Guelph university! Which was my top choice till I decided I didn't have enough money to move out of my house and go live on residence in Guelph.. boo hoo.

random me fact: Sue me, I'm a vampire fan.

It started with Twilight (again, sue me) and I was absolutely enthralled. So much so it made my boyfriend be like "what's the big deal?" and he actually read the books (all of them from Twilight to Breaking Dawn) and guess what? He loved them!

I'm not a big fan of the Twilight movie (sucks fucking ass if you ask me) but I'm liking the New Moon movie and hoping the rest will be just like it. However, the books I truly loved and was a super Twilight fan till I started reading more vampire books.

The Sookie Stackhouse series is honestly, by far, my favourite vampire books. I was actually a fan of the show, True Blood, first (I mostly watched it because I'm a fan of Alan Ball and his show Six Feet Under) Then my aunt told me the books were even better.. and they are. My fave is "Dead to the World" (the 4th of the 10 books - well it'll be 10 in May) as I'm a huge Eric fan and the 4th is full of Eric.. yum yum =)

I tried reading Anne Rice books but I never got into them.

Then my boyfriend tried to get me into Buffy the Vampire Slayer but again, I just couldn't get into it.

I never use to like fantasy books but I'm a huge fan of them now. I could make a huge list but I think this "random fact" thing is getting pretty long so I'll stop here =)

responses:

all_about_eve: Definitely thinking about university. However, what I wanted to do was take a year off and just work for a bit but my mom is forcing me to go to university starting this coming fall (she's offering to pay my tuition throughout the years I'm there but she said she'd only do that if I went straight away... so of course, I'm going to uni now lol).

I'm going for psychology (in case you were wondering lol) and I'm hoping to get my masters and then work a bit and come back and get my ph.D if I so wish to (and have the money for it). What are you at university for? (as I'm assuming you go by what you've said?)

Sadly, I'm not a big partier so I don't think more work for better parties is exactly a deal breaker for me =(

thanks for all the compliments and such! I hope you accutane course is going great!

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secreeet: college is so much easier than high school, if you keep up on it anyways. First quarter I did all my homework on time and got straight A's. Second quarter I had no motivation, and never did homework. I got two C's and a D. Yucky right? I am going to be hanging out with friends less this quarter for sure.

My mommy doesnt get the acne either sometimes... Makes me want to pull all my hair out!!

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Aww don't worry things are always worse before they get better, I'm sure you'll start clearing up in no time!!

As for your venting, I totally agree. I really do wish I could talk more about my experience to people- but they truly do not understand! But don't let it get you down, you have tonnes of people on this site that know what you're going through and are here for all your supporting and venting needs!

Hang in there!! :comfort:

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DAY 69

I know, sorry, I'm horrible at updating lately! It's just been kinda crazy at school.

acne-wise: well... I'm not breaking out AS bad as I was. It's kinda just "normal" for me now (as in, like my skin has been for years). I have A LOT of healing spots that are driving me insane. I'm getting better at no picking though so that's good I guess.

My scars are really bothering me and I'm going to ask my derma about what I can do about them and how soon I can do whatever treatment it is for them after I finish Accutane. The scars I've made while on Accutane are definitely worse.. so note to everyone on 'tane - DO NOT PICK! lol it just makes more annoying scars that stick out even more.

All my scars are like just red discolouration scars so I'm hoping they'll be easy to get rid of?

I'm also planning on really telling my derma about this breaking out shit. It's the third month and I really don't think this should be happening. I think my dosage should be upped. I still have blackheads, I still have cysts breakouts, and I still have little bumps under my skin. In all honesty my skin is NO DIFFERENT from when I started Accutane other than that it's drier and I don't have as much oil production.

side effects: Some new

- Tiredness

- Dry lips and skin - way more than I have so far on my course

- Back/shoulder pains

- my knee hurts if I take a lot of stairs at once or walk far

- I think my hair is thinning out more so because it doesn't feel as thick... but I don't know if it's more in my mind or not because I'm definitely paranoid about the whole "hair loss" thing so I'm wondering if this is just me being paranoid?

responses:

KeepSmilingThrough: oh that's good! I've been so scared that university is going to be totally hard and annoying and I'm going to fail! haha. Are you able to have much of a social life? lol cause my brother and his girlfriend (my bro just finished college and his gf just started college) both keep saying they have no money and no social life thanks to school/work haha.

Yeah, the people that don't get acne stuff in general just stress me out.

hopeful42day: Aww, thanks for the support ^_^ It's always nice to know that even if I don't see it in my "real" life (that is, people having acne problems) it's nice to know there are people out there that understand what we're going through!

Are you on Accutane? If so, GOOD LUCK!!

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I have too active of a social life. I commute to college, and I literally can not study on campus without someone texting me to hang out there, or running into someone I know and talking. I have to force myself to stay home. I also tend to be a very outgoing talk to practically everyone type of person though!

It seems like it all depends on the classes you sign up for.

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conspiracy83: I'm in day 72 and im still breaking out as well.. having little red bumps here and there

I figured out that probably i really have that much gunk under my skin.. n that they are taking time to be fully purged out of the skin's surface...

I guess we really have to be super patient to see significant improvement.. it feels like a long wait.. but think on the brighter side.. if we could get through this.. it will be so worth it.

take care k!

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Hey!

I don't know if this helps... I broke out very consistently until the very end of my third month. I literally was still gettig new actives every day or every other day and I even had two cysts pop up towards the end of the third month too.

BUT the good news... right as things were looking really bad and I thought I'd have to suffer the whole freaking course on the tane with breakouts.... they pretty well stopped. First I went a few days without an active. Then I got a managable one and another week went by before another! and before last week I had gone almost two weeks without an active! and the one I got has been the only one I've had in the las seven days.

I was really worried when I stopped breaking out as much though bc even though I was clear- ish there were A LOT! of little bumps still under the surface that I could feel. So I upped my water intake to try to flush the crap out and so far so good! There are still bumps hanging arround but most aren't coming to a head.

So hang in there. I mean as long as your side effects are managable then you should be able to increase in dose but my derm warned me that if I increased mine I could double all my side effects as well including my IB all over again. So I'm staying put for the most part :) The last think anyone want is double the eczema and IB.

Oh and for scars! I started using this gel by Kinerase called Scar therapy. It's for red spots, and you put it on twice a day under your moisturizer. It's a bit expensive ($40 per tube) but OMG it really works! In two weeks my scars have almost completely vanished! I even put in on healing actives and it makes the red spots go away much faster!

Hope that helps!

Take care!

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DAY 73

acne-wise: Alright so I think my IB (if that's what all this was) is going away. I have about ten or so healing spots and no real actives I guess you could say. Basically I just have this random bumps on my skin and blackheads.

This is an improvement though, right?

The texture of my skin is definitely improving for sure. My scars are randomly way less noticeable lately unless I'm like just coming out of a REALLY hot shower.

I look very pale but I'm not complaining... I like pale skin.

My overall body skin isn't that dry at all but it's nice to put moisturizer on every now and then =)

side effects: Okay, so I haven't really mentioned this because I thought it was just because the stomach flu has been going around but lately I feel VERY queasy or nauseous.

I also find I can't eat as much as I'm use to in one sitting because of this. My stomach starts to hurt and I feel like I'm going to be sick. It's starting to concern me and if my derma appointment wasn't a week away I'd probably call and ask to see him or something but it's not that long of a wait and I'm DEFINITELY going to tell him then.

Other than that my side effects have been pretty normal:

- dry(ish) skin

- dry lips

- brittle hair (definitely need to go get it cut as I haven't done so in over a year)

- back pains (aren't as bad as they were in my 2nd month which is interesting)

- my right shoulder is still hurting

- dry eyes (but bearable)

pictures: Sorry, this pictures were taken with my mac again as my mom has the camera yet again and is at my grandparents again haha

right side

left side

ugh, I look gross lol

random me fact: I got nothing. I can't think of a fact right now. So I'll just tell everyone that I made vegan brownies today and they are om nom nom nom =)

responses:

KeepSmilingThrough: Well that's good. I guess I'm not too concerned about having a social life completely though... I'm not one to talk to millions of people. I just wanna be able to have free time and not JUST have to do school work, you know? =p

fel_han: True say, I guess I rather all the shit under my skin get out now. What dosage are you on right now btw?

Ugh, patience... I have none lol. My boyfriend always makes fun about how impatient I am =p

Hope your course is going well!!

michellemac: That actually does make me feel better, knowing that I'm not the only one experiencing this. However, my prom is on May 20th and I REALLY want perfect skin by then. Like so perfect that I don't have to wear makeup for the first time since I was ten.. however I'll settle with having to just wear a light layer of powder to cover like scars or something like that.

Maybe I should think of drinking more water... I don't really drink a lot and I should probably be lol. I'm just always too busy to even think about filling a bottle with water to bring it to school haha.

I'm hoping to get my dosage upped this coming week as I haven't had it upped my whole course. Even if he ups it to like 60mg I'll be a bit happier just because I think the 40mg isn't attacking the acne that seriously. I've put on some weight (not intentionally) but I was 100 lbs when I started accutane and am now about 108 lbs ish so I'm hoping that'll get my derma to feel okay about upping my dosage too cause I know my weight was a huge concern to him.

Thanks a bunch for the response! Hope your course is going well!

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I think that your skin will probably have cleared up a bit by May for your prom. Fingers crossed for you!! I think your left side is looking really, really good! ugh I have put on almost 10 pounds while on accutane, but i think this is because it makes me hungry all the time! I need to stop eating!

For college, I have found it is best to schedule far apart classes if possible, then do homework in between classes. Then at the end of the day you are homework free and it is nice. Tests and quizzes of course have extra studying.

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DAY 77

acne-wise: I hate myself. Like I honestly and truly don't know why I let my skin bother me so much... but it really does.

I get new spots every now and then, STILL, and of course I pick them, like always, and make them worse.

In all honesty I see no change in my skin still. It's been the same since I started Accutane - I have two weeks where I break out, a week of healing, and then the week (oddly enough) before my period is usually the week my skin looks its "best" (which still isn't saying much). What really bugs is that as my skin is getting better I'm ALWAYS like "omg, maybe it won't breakout again now!" but, of course, it does.

On another note, my scars REALLY bother me. I'm trying everything to get rid of them but nothing seems to really be working. Make-up doesn't even help because I still notice them. I think when I see my derma this Monday I'm going to ask him about scar treatments I can start after or, if I can, during Accutane. I honestly just want to get all this over and done with now.

side effects: nothing new:

- dry/VERY thin skin

- dry lips

- back pains (which are worse because it's been rainy lately)

- weird queasy/nausia thing with my stomach (haven't been noticing it as much lately though)

- lack of motivation

- headaches

etc.. all the norm I guess

Venting: The thing I hate the most about my acne? How much it controls my life.

Prom tickets go on sale next week and I'm actually debating whether or not I should play it safe and not go or take a risk and go because I have NO idea what state my skin is going to be in that day and I'm not sure I want to take the chance of my skin looking like shit and having to spend a whole day thinking "I really wish I was curled up in my bed right now with no one around me to see me"

I'm also on the fence about choosing a university even because of my skin!

I've got accepted to all the universities I applied to but I think my favourite

is in a town about an hour or so away from where I live... meaning I would have to live on resdience. I was on the fence about whether I should go to that uni before mostly because of the money but my mom's being AMAZING and saying that if it's really where I want to go she'll pay. However... living on resdience would mean, possibly sharing a room. I'm not one that gets along when living with people to begin with so my mom said, being even more amazing, she would pay for me to have a private room. I was all set to go to this university right then and there when I heard that you have to share the bathrooms.. and some are co-ed.

To be honest, I don't like the idea of sharing a bathroom even if I did have amazing, flawless skin because I'm just not that kind of person, but because I don't know what state my skin will be in for the four years I will be in that school I don't want to go. I feel so stupid for having that make my decision but it just may.

I feel so fucking horrible and stupid for not taking an oppurinity to move out and live on my own (something I've ALWAYS wanted) just because of my skin but in all honesty, I really really really would never be able to just perk up and be like "my skin doesn't matter" because, to me, it does.

... I just don't know what to do anymore...

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