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bacneman

15 years of cystic acne/bacne..much improved...but ready to die

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The good news after about 15 years of suffering some of the worst acne ever seen mainly on the back and shoulders, some face/neck/chin occasionaly I have finally managed to reduce it to what is still 'bad' but about 75% improved

was soemthing like

bacne-acne-on-back.jpg

now much less cysts but many small spos and lots of marks/scars

How did I do this..well I spent a year doing fasts and cleanses and now have a diet mainly natural..meat, fruit and vege..avoid dairy and sugars and carbs

However, this is all irrelevant the fact is I am more suicidal now than I have ever been

Why?

Because since the age of 12 years old..now 27...I have locked myself away from society and been a total recluse due to acne

However, due to my acne and lack of social life I did manage to study a lot..as I had nothing else to do with my time..I went to university and got a 2.1 degree..however I did not actually go to university..as I studied at home and used internet to get lecture notes...this was the only thing that made uni possuble as I cannot leave my house or be around people...I graduated a few years ago and done odd jobs such as pizza delivery and security adn other thigns that allowed me to be 'alone' whislt I was suffering with this acne

So, anyway here I am 27 year olds..and what type of history do I have...I have had no freinds, no gfs, no parties, nothing at all in my youth and here I look in the mirror today and see a man approaching his 30s and some hair loss already started.....how does thismake me feel...INSANE...I have smashed so many mirrors already...when I see young kids or teens or sudents in the streets day or night and having fun, makingout etc...or going to pubs/clushow does that make me feel...to then see my reflection in a mirror and realise that I am so much older than these people yet have expereicned none of this

When people tlak to me they think they are interacting with an older guy..however socially I am still at the age of 14/15...Everytime I see my face in the mirror I want to die..I cannot accpet that I am approaching 30s and had NO LIFE at all...yet been at uni and everything....

I cannot even make effort to talk to people as I cannot accpet that the person they are talking to is me...its like I went to sleep at 13 and woke up oen day looking 30

Like that movei with Jennefir Garner 13 to 30?..I am a 13 year old boy operating in an adult world..not only is it confusing it is really depressing....I hate it

Futhermore I find myself attracted to younger girls such as teens ealry 20s and feel like an old pervert yet I never even had a relationship/sex life except some hookers I went to sometimes..I am not interested in expereicned woman my age who I feel are not only ugly but totally overused and mature and too old..but i cant even talk to girls of 18-20 age as i feel liek an old pervert..but the irnoy is they are more mature, older and experienced than me...I feel retarded..trapped in this fake body

I still have 'bad' acen and my derm recoomends accutane but the point is now even if I were to rid off my ance I would still be approaching 30s and be going bald

I have no intention to have kids or get married I feel I am 14 years old and have so much to expereince but when people see me and think I am a older man I cant act and live the life of a young teenager or whatever

ANd i cannot and will not relate to or hang about with people my age as its impossibele...I may sa well have been lviing in a cave for the last 15 years..I preety much have..as I never left my bedroom ever..expect to go to exams and doctors , to buy food..etc..necessary things...and have stayed with parents as i studied uni at home town and they knew of my mental/acne issues and supported me

I still cant get a job as I hate bing in the presense of people socailly and physically and the fact I feel like I have had my youth stolen means looking for a career is of no importance...How coudl I work long hour days and know that theres lots of young folk out having fun etc..it makes me sick really

Theres just no point in life anymore

Im like 14 years old stuck in this mans body and still suffering with acne.....

Theres no were to go from here

And the other irony is I was actually very good looking in terms of my face and hair..I just had so bad acne I had no confidecne and was depressed..But now its like my face looks older and I am going bald..this makes me even more depressed as at least I had 2 things going for me..in terms that I had a good face shape and really long thick dark straight hair...which I used to cover a lot of acne on my forehad etc...to have short hair makes me look even uglier and shows up more of my bad skin whereas long hair detracts from my face/skin

I think I am going to kill myself..but Im not sure how to do it..I have considered just jumping in front of a train

Though I would prefer to die from a heroin overdose but not sure who to do that or what dose and if I do it wrong and survive..I hope its not painful

I have considered jumping off a brige but worried I sruvive retardedly...

If someone coudl offer a pill of isntant pain free death I woudl take it...

I dont really know what Im asking..noone can give me my youth back..there is just no point anymore..I dont enjoy anything...im finished with life..

Edited by bacneman
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diee?

die?

I mean its a mindfuk

I am walking about as a man approaching 30s but have had no social expreicnes with humans since I were 14 years old...and stil live in my room in my parents as I did at 14

I am bascially a 14 year old living in a mans body in an adult world

It is depressing and confusing and I still have acne plus going bald

I just feel like I want to die every day...I get no pleasure from this life

Just looking in the mirror makes me feel like dieing

Well mayeb it shard to understadn this situation for others

But imagine 2moro u awoke looking 15 years older..how would you feel about that..

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what do u mean diee?

I think he means that death is freedom.. but I'm not too sure it works that way..

freedom as in an escape form this body/life

I would not be suicidal if I looked 18

My acne was horrendous at 19/20 but I wasnt suicidal as I felt young and had a fututre and looked forward to having acne cleared up and getting on with life

But now I dont even have those hopes or dreams

this is the adult reality I am living in...my youth was stolen and the present is not fun...all that there is to do is get older

Whats the poitn in the wait and depression and the daily struglle

Why not just fast forward 50 years and end it now..save 50 more years of even more untolearable mental and physcial anguish and pain

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All I can say to you is that you should go to a Psychiatrist and seek medical help!! Life is so beautiful that you must enjoy it! you are young and full of life. you should also consider ACCUTANE if your problem is so bad.. Dont give up yet!!!

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Also I dot want the thread closed due to the suicidal nature

this thread is not about suicide I can and have talke to my shrink..this is the way I feel

I dotn even know what the thread is about...just its impossibel to tlak to anyone about this who can understand..i dont even know if anyone here will

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Look don't listen to anyone, you don't need medical attention, you seem like you have control, just....... think logically.

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ok solo stop trying to help ...i know you mean well but he is clearly very distraught and has had to suffer severe mental anguish which is evident from the way he's constructing his sentences. I wish i could say something to encourage you buddy for i know (even if only to an extent) what you're going through , life is not a precarious journey, it's a very hard place and i know it's commonplace right now for you to feel hopeless sitting cooped up in your apartment lamenting your lost youth probably doubting your sanity but whether you currently believe it or not you can still turn everything around.

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Dont spend too much time in the past. it wont help and it wont solve any problems. Life starts whenever you want it too. I was a hermit in high school and now that I'm in college, i decided to turn my life around and not give a f*ck about what other people think. its the best thing i have ever done. Besides, 30 is the new 20.... Dont give up. And for the record, go ahead and take Accutane you really have nothing to lose.

Edited by red2528
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Hey...

I'm 27. I've had cystic acne since I was 12. Check out my log. Skin is so much more forgiving than you think.

My skin was absolutely terrible. Take one of the worst cases on acne.org, and that was my skin.

At the age of 22 I was sick of it. I began a diet and health regimen, and decided to take control of my life. There was a time during the way where I caved in pretty bad and ate a bunch of sweets, smoked, drank,etc., but I never veered too far off course.

I kept my cardiovascular health going strong, continued to condition my skin through topicals, drank water, and prayed.

What brought all of this change? I attempted to suffocate myself to death at the age of 22. It was a terrible state of mind to be in. Fortunately I passed out and woke up the next day. The only person that came to help me was a friend who had ran away from home.

Right now I have a girlfriend, a good job, and a decent social life. I may not be extremely popular, but I have friends.

Life is good for me right now, but at any moment, it can go bad. I've accepted this, and now live life for those that love me.

I'm not going to try and help you, but as someone who also missed out on having a social life all throughout highschool and college due to my skin, there is hope. Youth is not the only good part about life.

You say that women are more attractive in their youth - but whose problem is that? Older women are much more refined, have experience, and have let go of a lot of the ideals that plague younger women. What if one of those younger women cheats on you? There's a lot of pain out there.

We are so much more than our physical appearances.

You are only 27- you can rise above all of this pain...

But I have a question for you bacneman - what do you do for fun? What makes life enjoyable for you? Does nothing please you in life?

Edited by jarrit
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Hey...

I'm 27. I've had cystic acne since I was 12. Check out my log. Skin is so much more forgiving than you think.

My skin was absolutely terrible. Take one of the worst cases on acne.org, and that was my skin.

At the age of 22 I was sick of it. I began a diet and health regimen, and decided to take control of my life. There was a time during the way where I caved in pretty bad and ate a bunch of sweets, smoked, drank,etc., but I never veered too far off course.

I kept my cardiovascular health going strong, continued to condition my skin through topicals, drank water, and prayed.

What brought all of this change? I attempted to suffocate myself to death at the age of 22. It was a terrible state of mind to be in. Fortunately I passed out and woke up the next day. The only person that came to help me was a friend who had ran away from home.

Right now I have a girlfriend, a good job, and a decent social life. I may not be extremely popular, but I have friends.

Life is good for me right now, but at any moment, it can go bad. I've accepted this, and now live life for those that love me.

I'm not going to try and help you, but as someone who also missed out on having a social life all throughout highschool and college due to my skin, there is hope. Youth is not the only good part about life.

You say that women are more attractive in their youth - but whose problem is that? Older women are much more refined, have experience, and have let go of a lot of the ideals that plague younger women. What if one of those younger women cheats on you? There's a lot of pain out there.

We are so much more than our physical appearances.

You are only 27- you can rise above all of this pain...

But I have a question for you bacneman - what do you do for fun? What makes life enjoyable for you? Does nothing please you in life?

yeh but Im going bald which is a real killer...I mean I was already obsessed with my appearance

Bacnwas bad going bald is like 100x worse as its clearly visibile and no hiding it...To haev missed out onlife when young ang decent looking due to severe acne and now be an old bald ugly man is just depressing I cant even look in the mirror without being disgusted..plus my face shape is changing off course with age...I was quite atractive now my face looks different and its just weird and stuff to have a 27 year old face when I feel and act 14

What do I do for fun? Play video games, masturbate, watch tv, (used to play sports and guitar but I dont even go out for that anymore and have no motivation to play/make music anymore), used to do weights and still do somewhat, get drunk/high and bang hookers.....thats my pleasures in life

Edited by bacneman
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What video games? I used to play Everquest, an MMORPG to escape reality since the age of 17, for 3-4 years.

Smoking medical marijuana? I do that all the time. Does not affect my breakouts. I actually have a prescription to smoke. (mods, please do not edit this, it's entirely within context).

Making music... I did that on a program called Reason 3.

All of these things that I enjoy, I did not think much of when the worst of my acne was around. Honestly it didn't subside until 26 or so, and I'm 27 STILL without clear skin.

I believe bald can look good as well. I have a friend who is going bald, and he's only 23. He deals with it by buying clean-cut fitted clothing and shaving his entire head. He looks sharp.

Good luck man... honestly, if you ever feel like crap, don't talk about killing yourself, just think about ways to overcome those problems. I know it's hard, but you at least have to try.

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Hey, bacneman.

I am very sorry to hear that you are having a very hard time coping with acne, but please check with a counselor on this issue. While you may voice various issues at the Emotional And Psychological Effects Of Acne forum, we strongly feel this is not a suitable place to share suicidal thoughts with other members. I strongly encourage you to seek a professional assistance on this matter.

Information about professional assistance can be found here:

http://www.acne.org/messageboard/resources...lai-t16184.html

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