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my husbands wife

I have no self esteem in my relationship

I'm in this great relationship. But my self esteem and self worth are shit. I saw pictures of my boyfriends ex's who are so adorably cute and clear skinned. It makes a pit in my stomach form. As much as he loves me...I wish I was more beautiful; more feminine. Softer and clearer for him. But I'm not. And I really believe that you can love someone greatly without appearance playing a huge part. But I also believe that love is stronger and truer when the person you are with is the most beautifully perfect human that you've ever met. And knowing that he has had passionate intimate relationships with women who were so much more physically beautiful than me sufficiently bums me out. :(

I know it's irrational and delusional and the symptons of someone who is lacking for self esteem. And I will be the first to admit how patheticly insecure I am. I sob some nights at the thought of him breaking my heart. Out relationship is wonderful. I should be nothing but happy. But my fear , which stems from my insecurity which is goverened by my skin, consumes me. This post may not seem to be about acne, but it is. I feel ugly on a 100% basis. And I've been feeling this way since I was 12 and it all started. These negative issues have truly seeped into the core of who I have become and it hinders me in leading a normal life. I go to college, have maintained a professional job for several years and do have a relativly active social life. I like to consider myself a highly functional individueal with some major issues. I don't think I will ever be happy when the outside of my body acts like an enemy to me.

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Hey hun... I feel your pain.

I am in the same kind of relationship... I feel like he could be with anyone... so why me? Not only do I not feel pretty enough, but I also feel like I'm always ill and always have some sort of health issue, and it must get annoying for him. I have a lot of flaws... and it IS hard some days to even be IN a relationship when I feel derpressed about myself. It's like I just close myself off to him. I do have days when I just cry and cry.... so silly.

But you know what... everyday he tells me he loves me... and all I can really do is love him back and enjoy his company...

Obviously your boyfriend cares deeply for you... and wants to be with you because of who you are. To him you are beautiful... and I wish you could see yourself that way too... I know I wish I could see myself that way.

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i think we're all trying to improve ourselves ... in a way we feel will be the best for us in the long run, and i also feel that my body acts as an enemy .. i think that was really well said.

it's a nice thought for you to want to be the most beautiful, perfect human being for your boyfriend .. but that's a standard none of us can live up to.

you may think they are more physically beautiful than you, but we all see beauty through different eyes.

i used to be in a relationship with someone who had a lot of exes that i also thought were much smarter, prettier, yada yada .. it would make feel insecure too, but in the end i realized that i couldn't let a past relationship define ours. these girls weren't in his life anymore, and i couldn't keep focusing on them if i wanted us to work. there's always going to be days where you feel inadequate in areas of your life, but a relationship can still be wonderful if you guys work through your doubts, insecurities together.

best of luck.

Edited by den_den

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You are completely rational. You're just responding to the asthetic values you encounter every day. But you don't need to physically be the "most perfectly beautiful human" to make him happy. If there is one thing he finds really attractive about you (smile, eyes, etc) that will be enough for him.

When you are self conscious he can tell, so the less you let it bother you the less it will bother him. Being with someone who is happy and comfortable with themself is much more enjoyable than being with a trophy girl who constantly needs her bf (and usually other guys) to confirm that she's attractive. The girls who I find the most attractive and I enjoy being with the most are the ones who are strong enough to work through their flaws. You're strong enough to admit your flaws to the world, so I think you can do it.

Keep trying to improve your skin condition, but don't be too demanding on it. Otherwise you just create more stress for yourself which makes your acne worse. I've had doctors giving me medications and treatments forever, and they help, but what really made the difference for me was balancing sleep, nutrition, and exercise. Your whole body needs to be healthy for your skin to be healthy.

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I'm in the exact same boat as you. I have even tried to end the relationship before because I was convinced (and still am, and irrationally - i know) that eventually he would find a girl who is flawless and perfect for him and then leave me. So I tried to leave him before that could happen. I just don't feel like I'm good enough for him and I'm very insecure as I know he could do so much better.

Trust me I know how you feel.

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Me too...I've lotsa of acne and scars and I don't have the courage to start a relationship. I always think that I am not good enough for them and they deserve something better, at least better than me. And, I always think that, though they say looks don't matter to them, but I know that it really matters becuz this is a superficial world.

I wish I don't have acne, my life would definitely be A LOT betta. Acne sucks. Eff it.

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^^I agree with everything you said. My acne keeps me from talking to people! Especially people i 'like'...it's horrible!!

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I'm in this great relationship. But my self esteem and self worth are shit. I saw pictures of my boyfriends ex's who are so adorably cute and clear skinned. It makes a pit in my stomach form. As much as he loves me...I wish I was more beautiful; more feminine. Softer and clearer for him. But I'm not. And I really believe that you can love someone greatly without appearance playing a huge part. But I also believe that love is stronger and truer when the person you are with is the most beautifully perfect human that you've ever met. And knowing that he has had passionate intimate relationships with women who were so much more physically beautiful than me sufficiently bums me out. :(

I know it's irrational and delusional and the symptons of someone who is lacking for self esteem. And I will be the first to admit how patheticly insecure I am. I sob some nights at the thought of him breaking my heart. Out relationship is wonderful. I should be nothing but happy. But my fear , which stems from my insecurity which is goverened by my skin, consumes me. This post may not seem to be about acne, but it is. I feel ugly on a 100% basis. And I've been feeling this way since I was 12 and it all started. These negative issues have truly seeped into the core of who I have become and it hinders me in leading a normal life. I go to college, have maintained a professional job for several years and do have a relativly active social life. I like to consider myself a highly functional individueal with some major issues. I don't think I will ever be happy when the outside of my body acts like an enemy to me.

I think that is crap personally. Love is not dependent on looks. Your husband presumably found you attractive enough to fall in love with you and marry you. However attractive these other girls may have been, they weren't special enough for him to marry. You were. You have something that they don't, and your husband loves you for it.

You have some pretty serious self esteem issues, and I wonder if you'd consider counseling to help work through that. You seem to realize that this is irrational; I think that's the first step. It would be wonderful if someday you could see yourself as the attractive person you are, and worthy of your husband's love.

You are completely rational. You're just responding to the asthetic values you encounter every day. But you don't need to physically be the "most perfectly beautiful human" to make him happy. If there is one thing he finds really attractive about you (smile, eyes, etc) that will be enough for him.

When you are self conscious he can tell, so the less you let it bother you the less it will bother him. Being with someone who is happy and comfortable with themself is much more enjoyable than being with a trophy girl who constantly needs her bf (and usually other guys) to confirm that she's attractive. The girls who I find the most attractive and I enjoy being with the most are the ones who are strong enough to work through their flaws. You're strong enough to admit your flaws to the world, so I think you can do it.

Keep trying to improve your skin condition, but don't be too demanding on it. Otherwise you just create more stress for yourself which makes your acne worse. I've had doctors giving me medications and treatments forever, and they help, but what really made the difference for me was balancing sleep, nutrition, and exercise. Your whole body needs to be healthy for your skin to be healthy.

Oh, and this, in spades.

Edited by bunchesofsunflowers

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I think it's very hard to be in a healthy relationship when you are so uncomfortable with yourself. I feel the same way. I was pretty secure in my relationship, even with my acne, until an incident a year and a half ago. My boyfriend (of 4 years now) found out that his previous girlfriend was pregnant and was getting married. He was so devastated that he didn't talk to me for nearly a week. He and I had never even had a fight, and it was so painful to know that he was withdrawing from me because he was mourning the loss of another woman. My acne hit its worst point just previous to that, so I was already feeling so down on myself. But those two things made me feel less than worthless.

I do not feel sexy, beautiful, or even remotely attractive in my relationship or otherwise. A part of me believes that I could never even attract another man, so I should just be thankful. That's not really healthy behavior, but there it is :).

It really is hard living day to day feeling like a nasty piece of shit.

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It's getting better every day. One of the worst things is not being able to just wake up in the morning and hang out in bed with him. I feel like I immediatly need to go into the bathroom and freshen up. Take a shower, comb my hair, put some mascara on. I feel so hidouse natural. I wish that I didn't.

And also, sex with the lights on. NOT HAPPENING. How can anyone enjoy that when they look a mess like I do. I wouldn't even be able to enjoy myself. The whole time my mind would be on how my skin is looking to him.

And the ex's still bother me. He writes in journals. Honest emotions. In every corner that I turn. There one sits, filled with words of love and passion about other woman. I have been weak. I have succumbed to my desire to hurt myself. To put jealousy into my soul. Insecurities. Fear. And I dwell in this negativity. Untill I'm near ready to explode.

Man, I do have some seriouse relationship issues.

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And the ex's still bother me. He writes in journals. Honest emotions. In every corner that I turn. There one sits, filled with words of love and passion about other woman. I have been weak. I have succumbed to my desire to hurt myself. To put jealousy into my soul. Insecurities. Fear. And I dwell in this negativity. Untill I'm near ready to explode.

Wait a minute...

He writes in his journals about love and passion for other women? WTF? Previously you mentioned you had a wonderful relationship, and now this? I am terribly confused. If he is married to you, he should not be writing about loving another woman, that is wrong. You are delusional if you believe you have a great relationship with your husband. Does he know you are reading his journals?

Please seek counseling for your self-esteem issues, from your posts I gather that they aren't issues you can work through on your own. A counselor will help you figure out what is at the root of your insecurities. You wrote that it was your skin, but it could be a myriad of other things. Get help, you don't deserve to live in this kind of misery.

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Electric, I think she means he writes in journals and keeps them all, so there are old journals lying around filled with content regarding his honest feelings about past relationships (when he was in them).

Still OP, if you're reading his journals behind his back, that's not a good thing. For one, you're invading his privacy which betrays his trust. Two, you're setting yourself up for heartache because you already know and have admitted to us that his past relationships bother you. So why are you torturing yourself?

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It's getting better every day. One of the worst things is not being able to just wake up in the morning and hang out in bed with him. I feel like I immediatly need to go into the bathroom and freshen up. Take a shower, comb my hair, put some mascara on. I feel so hidouse natural. I wish that I didn't.

And also, sex with the lights on. NOT HAPPENING. How can anyone enjoy that when they look a mess like I do. I wouldn't even be able to enjoy myself. The whole time my mind would be on how my skin is looking to him.

And the ex's still bother me. He writes in journals. Honest emotions. In every corner that I turn. There one sits, filled with words of love and passion about other woman. I have been weak. I have succumbed to my desire to hurt myself. To put jealousy into my soul. Insecurities. Fear. And I dwell in this negativity. Untill I'm near ready to explode.

Man, I do have some seriouse relationship issues.

Is it worth it?

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He has journals everywhere. I think i counted....10 or so. And I asked him if I could read them before. Bad mistake, there is a reason they should be private. But I was curiouse. I've never had this issue with other men. But with him...I do.

AH

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I'm in the exact same boat as you. I have even tried to end the relationship before because I was convinced (and still am, and irrationally - i know) that eventually he would find a girl who is flawless and perfect for him and then leave me. So I tried to leave him before that could happen. I just don't feel like I'm good enough for him and I'm very insecure as I know he could do so much better.

Trust me I know how you feel.

This. I've seen the kind of woman he has dated. Hell, i've even read about them. I don't understand what he sees in me when...

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Electric, I think she means he writes in journals and keeps them all, so there are old journals lying around filled with content regarding his honest feelings about past relationships (when he was in them).

Got it.

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It's getting better every day. One of the worst things is not being able to just wake up in the morning and hang out in bed with him. I feel like I immediatly need to go into the bathroom and freshen up. Take a shower, comb my hair, put some mascara on. I feel so hidouse natural. I wish that I didn't.

And also, sex with the lights on. NOT HAPPENING. How can anyone enjoy that when they look a mess like I do. I wouldn't even be able to enjoy myself. The whole time my mind would be on how my skin is looking to him.

And the ex's still bother me. He writes in journals. Honest emotions. In every corner that I turn. There one sits, filled with words of love and passion about other woman. I have been weak. I have succumbed to my desire to hurt myself. To put jealousy into my soul. Insecurities. Fear. And I dwell in this negativity. Untill I'm near ready to explode.

Man, I do have some seriouse relationship issues.

Have you tried or considered Accutane? My skin and lack of confidence has been affecting my relationship too so I decided to go on Accutane again.

Think of it this way though, wouldn't you still love your boyfriend if he had a face full of acne? I know I'd still love mine even though that'd never happen as he's lucky.

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Sexiness is a state of mind.

There will ALWAYS be women out there who you think are more attractive than you. Whether they are taller/shorter/younger/older/curvier/skinnier... whether they have longer hair/shorter hair/bigger breasts/smaller breasts/whiter teeth/straighter teeth/nicer clothes/blah blah blah... it is ALL a matter of opinion. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If someone wants to date you it is because they DO indeed find you physically attractive. That's pretty damn flattering. However, looks won't save you if you don't have the personality to back it up. If you are constantly putting yourself down and feeling insecure and ugly it will eventually take it's toll on your relationship. If you can FEEL sexy about yourself... it will actually make you BE sexy to others.

If you are with a man who is still pining over another woman, get rid of him! A man has no business dating a new girl when he is still not over the last one. That's HIS problem NOT yours! Don't let him make you feel inferior. If he is comparing you to other women you need to drop him and find a man who is emotionally available and into YOU.

Now, if your man IS into you and never compares you to anyone else, then the problem exists in your own head. Buy a new dress, get a new haircut, go out with some girlfriends, consult a therapist... do whatever it takes to kick that insecure feeling to the curb! EVERY woman (and man) is beautiful in their own unique way! Stop comparing yourself to others! It will only make you crazy!

Nobody is perfect... even the airbrushed models in magazines have breakouts and bad hair days and get dumped by their boyfriends. We are all human. We all have our insecure moments. Just don't let it take over your life!

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My Husbands Wife,

Your own post could have been mine this time last year. I was so so down everyday, even though, acne aside i should have been ecstatically happy because my relationship was great. But i wasnt, cause of other girls who i deemed better for him than me JUST based on their perfect skin.

the funny thing is that my boyfriend then, and even now, claims he didnt really notice the acne, and that i felt worse because it was on my FACE. Maybe he had a point.

Your husband obviously loves you and has made the choice to be with you, I know what i have said probably wont make a difference because it didnt when other people said it to me when i was in your shoes.

Give accutane a thought, its been a miracle cure for myself and my confidence in my relationship.

good luck, sweetie.

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