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mallory

Accutane/Claravis Log! 21/f - starting @ 40mg.

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Oh my goodness! I just read your blog, and while your skin is doing excellent and everything, all I started to care about was your ex situation! It makes me feel like such a girl because I'm sitting here reading it from the beginning and the whole time just rooting for you to have something good happen with your ex, because your situation sounds so similar to what I'm going through (or have gone through, depending on how you look at it...ugh. I realize this sentence probably doesn't make sense, but I'll explain). And to top it off, I'm feeling the whole spectrum of period triggered emotions, and this really sappy but woooonnnndderrrfulll song came on my Pandora, so I'm basically sitting here reading your whole story and almost just crying. Man, sometimes it feels silly being a girl. I think I thought for some reason that maybe if your story ended up well, then mine would too, haha. If only it would work itself out, men can be so difficult!

So my story is different because I never was technically with the guy. I knew who he was for a long time because we went to the same high school, but he never talked. Then a year ago I randomly saw and talked to him at a party for maybe 10 min. He was leaving to study abroad in January and I didn't think much of it. But then we randomly started chatting on facebook for the entire 5 months he was gone. And I'm talking 3 hour long conversations, in which we NEVER ran out of jokes or things to say. I would sit there and laugh hysterically while we were talking, something I've never experienced with anyone on facebook chat, of all places. And I definitely fell for him over that time, through nothing but facebook chat. When he came home, it was even better. We hung out and we'd spend the whole time joking and talking, and we never ran out of things to say. When you said things like "I've never felt this way about anyone, we're just kind of perfect together, and things like that," it was EXACTLY the same for me. I felt like I wrote some of those posts!! UGH. So a few weeks go by, the best weeks I can remember having in a long time. We'd be fooling around and hooking up (I hate to call it that, but it was basically everything except actually sleeping together) and still laughing even during! Isn't that crazy? I mean, not the whole time, just part of the time, in a happy way. And then, out of nowhere, he up and decided he couldn't get involved with anyone since he was moving three hours away again for the school year, and then moving across the country after that. Ok, I knew that he would have to move back for school, but I THOUGHT IT WAS WORTH IT! (and of course, one of his favorite songs comes on pandora as I type this. THANKS A LOT WORLD) I mean, we really had something amazing! He said I was the first girl he had even considered getting into a relationship with ever since his messy breakup with someone else that had happened a YEAR before. And now I've tried to contact him, but he hasn't responded to anything. I really wish I could give up hope but I'm so stubborn! I found somebody amazing and I am having so much trouble letting go of him. So ANYWAY, now you see why I became so obsessed with your story! Sorry for this huge long story, but I guess you know how much girls have to rant sometimes.

Anyway, I hope your situation ends up resolving itself. And your skin does look wonderful! I'm taking Claravis too, on day 11, and reeeally hoping it does its thing for me. I guess we'll just have to see what the future holds!

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Ha I would be the person who needs to contact tech support on the acne forum....anyway your progression pictures have given me such hope. I was out tonight to see a band, and it got so hot in the bar that I started to sweat, and I just HAD to leave because I was sure my face was a splotchy, oily, acne-y mess. Isnt that the stupidest thing ever? I want to be able to enjoy life again like normal. I am hoping for progress like yours!!!!

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faithinhim Thanks so much :) You'll be there very soon!

lucygoosey Ha, girl, rant away. I definitely feel for you on the story, unfortunately. I think at this point I have FINALLY realized that if he wanted to talk to me, he would call. If he doesn't, then it's obviously time to move on, because that's an awful way to waste my time. Ya know? And period triggered emotions? Ha, yeah, definitely have them, too. Last week I was a walking mess, ha.

Jacattack86 Ha! I actually read through the forums to figure it out, too - So don't feel too bad about it :) I know the feeling of the hot-sweaty-bar-situation. Pretty awful. You'll get past that soon. I've officially stopped having to carry my makeup around with me! :dance: It will fly by, promise!

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OMG, LOOK AT YOU! Your pics look great!! Isn't this exciting??

And congrats on the interview! Hopefully one of us (or both of us!!) gets a big girl job soon, lol.

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day 63

Hey all! No real breakouts to report. I have one tiny spot that is red now, but only because I messed with it. I've been pretty good at not picking at my skin lately ... this was just a moment of weakness. Oooh well, it's pretty easily covered with makeup. My side effects are sort of non-existant now, which is sort of strange. The only thing that I'm dealing with are dry lips. I used to wake up in the morning and have pretty dry skin until I'd wash and moisturize again, but that's not really the case anymore. My blackheads have been pretty much gone for awhile now, but I was checking them out during my 'mini picking session' (haha, umm) yesterday, and I can hardly see any pores at all! YES.

It's been a pretty good weekend... I don't think I've mentioned a little situation that I'm having yet on here, because it's not very important to me... but I'm bored right now, so here we go. A few weeks ago I ran into an old guy friend of mine at a bar. We hang with some of the same people, but he also has an entirely different group of friends, so we'd run into each other occasionally, but not much anymore. Well, we caught up at the bar and he did the whole, "lets exchange numbers and hang out sometime!" thing. So, we did... and ever since he's been texting me lots. He apparently knows about the whole ex situation because one of our close mutual friends told him? (weird.) Last night we ended up hanging out because I was in his neighborhood. Two of our close friends were with us, but after they left, it was just us. He was being super flirty and close, and ahhhh. I haven't done this in so long! Ha, I mean, he's a pretty attractive guy, and really fun to hang out with, but I'm just not ready for this kind of thing. I can deal with some male attention, ha, but I'm definitely not ready to get into something new right now. I think he might be going through a situation a lot like mine, so maybe he's just looking for female attention - fair enough. God, I am so out of practice and I HATE dating.

Speaking of dating and exes, I've still not heard from him. ...And it's pretty much bullshit. At this point, I feel like if anything, he'd at least call me out of respect and not make me feel like I went to Kansas City to be his booty call for the week. I'm not that kind of girl, and I thought he would have known that after being with me for so long. I don't know that I regret much that I've done, but I really can honestly say that I regret going to Kansas City. While it was fun while it lasted, it's definitely done more harm than good. WOWWW, holy depressing paragraph, Haha.

On a lighter note! I have another interview on Wednesday! It's not a job - a paid internship, but the Director told me that there is opportunity for hire after it's over, so that'd be cool. Hopefully I'll get it... it would be a pretty cool opportunity and I'd be on the strategizing team while doing the graphic design work.

Anyway, I should probably get out of pajamas at one point today, haha. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! Ciao!

S a r a SO exciting! :)

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UHG I HATE DATING TOO! I dated a guy for almost 5 years, havent been in a relationship since (its been about 3 years of singledom now...hahaha)...dated around a LOT during that time, looking for something more maybe now that I'm finishing school and stuff, but old habits die hard. I'm the queen of dumping 'em after three dates ha. I think I just like the attention more than the person a lot of the time....and the whole thing with your ex not talking to you is BS. I think men think they're doing us a favor when they're dicks to us because it "helps us get over them faster." whatever. I'm going to Atlantic City for Valentine's day with my single girlfriends.....keeping the same guy around for too long is overrated...we're young, lets have a little fun...but only responsible, ipledge-approved fun...haha! Good luck girl!

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Hey Mal - omg.. I'll have to say to you what I said to Sara - SKIN LOOKS AMAZING!!! I am so happy for you right now!

I haven't been on much because I've been really depressed about my face for the past few days and in this weird way sort of ashamed (which really doesn't make any sense since this is an acne and accutane support group?) but anyhow, am so happy to hear about the phone interviews and job search gaining some ground!

I'm sure you are on linkedin.com ? It is almost like facebook except for business professionals and they've got a section that is dedicated to finding jobs! I also was tt my best friend who works for ESPN, and if you're interested in going the paid internship route (something I wish I would've considered doing instead of jumping into sales off the bat) she said they've got some nationwide paid AND unpaid :snooty: listings!

Hope everything continues going well and that you stay away from losers who try and play mind games with you!!! You are TOO good for that shit! Think about how much energy and emotion you put into taking care of yourself... you deserve someone who cares equally as much about your well being!

-M

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Ughhh stupid boys and stupid hearts and stupid feelings. It's awful, I know.

But YAYYY about the new interview! Keep 'em coming!

And I caught myself picking again this week, too. I think I just do it now as a self-conscious thing. Like, I think that if I pick it will make it better even though it only makes it 1000x worse. Hopefully we won't have anything left to pick soon :)

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Hey!

Sorry to interrupt...just wanted to say hello! I started Claravis 5 days ago and came across this post. Hope everything works out!!

Edited by vrundmc
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day 66

Hey everyone. Not TOO much to report - I just have one little spot on my left side that decided to pop up just in time for my interview today! Thanks, face. I feel sort of at a stand still with my treatment right now, it's not bad, but nothing miraculous is happening, either. Haha, Maybe I'm just getting a little greedy now about this medication. I'm curious if my derm will bump me up to 80 or not tomorrow. I keep forgetting to take pills some days, so I have a few extra in my packs... Oh welllllll... I don't really freak out about that kind of stuff, but I wonder if it's the reason for my breakout* today.

*it's not even a breakout, I'm being dramatic. One spot, Mallory.

So, last night I im'ed the ex because we were both signed onto gmail. I'm starting to feel a little bit of closure, I guess. I pretty much asked him why he dropped off the face of the earth, and when he told me, "I told you that things weren't going to change," I really let him have it, Ha. I think I said something along the lines of, "Youre 30 years old, I know that you know when you sleep with ANY woman of ANY age SOMETHING will change." He pretty much apologized, told me that he really just needed to see me one more time before he left for Argentina, that I'm one of a kind (?!) and that he thought my "transcontinental booty call" text message was funny. Do I believe him? Not sure. Do I feel better? Yep. So that's that.

I know that it's soon (and a little weird that I'm talking about a new boy after just writing a paragraph about my ex, shhh.), but I hung out with the old friend the other night at his apartment. He kissed me, it was definitely awkward and I really felt zero connection on any kind of level. I'm not feeling it. Story. Of. My. Life.

I had my internship interview today. I REALLY liked the sound of it and really hope that I get it. The girl who interviews me was pretty young and super funny. I'm feeling pretty confident because she really liked my portfolio and seemed mildly impressed. She told me that I might have to meet with the CEO who randomly is flying in from Canada next week... Okay! I can do that. It's a 12 week internship, but they are really looking for someone to hire on permanently if they end up really liking the person. Everyone cross their fingers for me!

Also cross your fingers for me that my bloodwork is okay with all of this drinking I've been doing lately. I think everything will be okay... Trying to stay positive!

Jacattack86 I'm the queen of a few dates, too. That sounds so horrible of us!!! I just am SO picky and little things will totally turn me off of a guy. That's maybe something I need to work on, because I'm definitely not perfect myself, Haha. Hope your course is going well!

Melisy03 Thanks!! I actually am super interested in internships, so maybe I'll check that out - good looking out, thanks! :) When I was going through my IB I tried to not check the boards 50 times a day, too. Ha, I felt like I get a tad obsessive about checking logs/researching/etc. Anyway, thanks for all the nice words, and I hope that your breakout is doing much better today... keep your head up, girl!

S a r a You are soooo right about the stupid boys and hearts and feelings thing. I'm done with all of them ;) I've replaced picking my skin with picking my lips. Awesome, Mallory.

vrundmc Thanks, I'll check your log out if you have one. Lots of luck to you with your course!

Edited by mallory
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Glad the interview went well! I hope you get it! *fingers crossed*

I feel the same way about treatment. I feel like I wake up everyday and my skin looks the same as it did the day before. Maybe we are getting greedy but, HELL! WE DESRVE TO BE GREEDY AT THIS POINT!

(And I've been picking my lips, too. They are red and gross and they sting. Ew.)

I'm so frustrated with your ex, haha. I can only imagine how frustrated you are! I'm glad you let him have it though. And even though it didn't end in a perfect fairy tale, at least you have a little closure. Still, what a prick. I'm angry with him. lol.

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day 67

Yoooo.

So I had my derm appt. today. The first thing she said was, "WOW! You look great!" That made me pretty happy. I told her that she looked great, too, because I JUST realized that she has a little preggo belly. She's really pretty anyway, and she's one of those women who look even MORE pretty when they're pregnant and glowy. I couldn't help but wonder when she was due, though... I kept wondering if I'd have to go to another Dr. for the last part of my course. Okay, that was the selfish part of me speaking. "Please don't take time away from me to have your baby!" Haha, Ridicuuuuulous, Mallory. Anyway, because of my recent small breakout, she said that she thinks I'd do great on 80mg so that's what we're gonna do. I have a feeling I'll experience another initial breakout, but I'm not really so worried about it - whatev. She said she thought I'd be fine if I stayed on 60, but since I'm not really experiencing any major side effect besides dry lips that I could definitely go to 80 to stop the breakouts for good. Good plan, Doc. She said she wants to have me on for another 4 months and she's hoping I'll be done then, but if I'm still breaking out a little here and there I'm going to do another 6 months. I feel like that's a really long time compared to some people on the .org, but it makes me more confident that my face will stay clear for good.

I really NEED to find a job soon. This whole 'sitting around all day' thing isn't really working out for me. I'm so bored and I'm kind of starting to feel like a loser, ha. I mean, I do sit online all day and read job listings, but I'm not finding much in the areas that I want to live in. Bummmmer.

Okay, I really don't have anything cool to say today, so I'm going to stop pretending that I do... Haha. See ya!

S a r a You're right... we absolutely deserve to be greedy. Oh, and you can finally be happy, I'm on 80mg finally! ;) I'm frustrated with my ex, too. What a douchebag. I'm glad you're mad at him with me ... Ha, thanks!

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Hey

I'm so glad everything is going well for you! Does you doctor mean that after 6 months she may put you on another 6 months? My derm hasnt' really given me a timeline ... I told him he had until my wedding (yay Oct :)) but I'm really hoping six months will do the trick! That way I have time to heal and get a tan before my day :) . Anyways enough of my girly rantings :)

Goodluck!!!

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YAY 80 MG! Haha now I don't feel like such a freak on my dosage. I'm not alone anymore :)

That's great that your derm is seeing an improvement, too. The compliments must feel fantastic! Hopefully you won't have to stay on for another 6 months after this...but whatever it takes!

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Speaking of dating and exes, I've still not heard from him. ...And it's pretty much bullshit. At this point, I feel like if anything, he'd at least call me out of respect and not make me feel like I went to Kansas City to be his booty call for the week. I'm not that kind of girl, and I thought he would have known that after being with me for so long. I don't know that I regret much that I've done, but I really can honestly say that I regret going to Kansas City. While it was fun while it lasted, it's definitely done more harm than good. WOWWW, holy depressing paragraph, Haha.

Ugh, men. I had a "girls night" last night with some friends, and all of them have stable, wonderful boyfriends. I haven't had a stable, wonderful boyfriend in...a long time. So the conversation quickly turned to their relationships, and after they got through gushing about how happy they were, my friend turned to me and said, "We need to get you a boyfriend!" Yeah...right. Thanks.

Anyway, who needs men, right? ;) Good luck with the interview(s) and job hunting!

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Hey there Mallory! Noticed in your posts that you are searching for a entry-level graphic design position. Have you ever considered working for the Federal Government? That's how I got my start.

If you go to usajobs.gov they have an awesome search engine. The position would either be classified as "Illustrator" or "Visual Information Specialist". Fancy gov't lingo for Graphic Designer.

Good luck on your search!

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day 71

day 71... Seriously?! That seems so crazy to me! Well, I'm not as pleased as I was a week or two ago, but it's not like anything has changed drastically, so I'm okay with it. I've actually not even started taking my 80mg/day pills yet because I had another half pack of 60mg's left. (Remember when I went to KC and didn't want to be having another IB again during the trip so I was alternating between 30mg/60mg? That's why I have some left over.) Hopefully I won't have to deal with another IB but I've already mentally prepared myself. I don't have any actives, but I'm dealing with the leftover redmarks still... seems like they'll never go away!

I feel like this log is slowly transforming into a "this is what I did today!" log because not much is happening skin-wise. I apologize! If you want to skip over all the other crap, feel free, ha.

I had a pretty good weekend. My best friend's boyfriend played an acoustic show at a little bar in a cool little neighborhood so toooons of our friends used it as an opportunity to get together and throw back some beers and catch up. It was a local brewery that I hadn't tried a lot of, so I couldn't really resist drinking (not that I ever have on my course :naughty:) This girl just loves a good wheat ale, Ha. After he was done playing we all headed over to a friend's place down the street. There was an insane amount of people there and it was lots of fun. Towards the end of the night I was starting to feel asthmatic from all of the smoking that was going on (gross.). So I left and went to Kaley's sorority house to sleep so I could maybe stop wheezing like a geek. Yeah, I'm that nerdy. I have awful vision, retainers, acne, AND ASTHMA. F U, world. Haha.

Hoping I'll get a call about the internship sometime at the beginning of this week. It would be an excellent birthday present! (Birthday girl tomorrow!)

Welllll, I think that's about all that's going on. Hope everyone had an awesome weekend! :)

michellemac Hey! No, I've been on for 2 months, and she was saying that I could either go for 4 more months or 6 more months depending on how well I'm doing. Hopefully it will be only 4, but if I have to do 6, I'd be okay with that, too. So exciting that you'll be clear for your wedding day! One less thing to worry about... :)

vrundmc My derm never really told me a set "plan" at my first appt. She decided that she'd see my progress and decide along the way. So if you're not seeing much improvement and feel like you want to try to handle something stronger, I'd definitely mention it to him. Maybe he'll gradually up your dosage like I've done.

S a r a Ha! I can't even imagine how my poor lips are going to handle 80mg. I seriously PANIC if I think I forgot my Aquaphor. Hahah.

Gov't Guy 26 Hey you! Thanks for checking up on me! Going to go catch myself up on your log now. Hope everything's well with you.... I'm sure it is, Mr. Positive! ;)

Clear-as-Day Ha, girl, story of my life! I'm just starting to notice how all of my friends are in pretty healthy normal relationships, too. I'd never noticed that sort of thing before - I think I've just not been single for a long enough period of time to actually pay attention to stuff like this. We'll be okay... we're just holding off for the good ones, right?! Haha. Thanks for the luck!

Thirty&Hopeful I just went to the site to check it out ... Looks like there are a few things I'd possibly be interested in. Awesome, Thanks so much! Are you a Graphic Designer?

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Went to art school, but never imagined I'd work for the government. Previous to working for the Army here in DC I was an "illustrator" for the Navy in Virginia Beach, and previous to that various GD positions outside the gov't with okay pay and no benefits. They update the site every Tuesday. Sometimes there are 20 + jobs up all over the country and a few overseas. Keep an eye out!

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Hey girl!! Had to catch up on your log.. I seriously can;t believe you are already up to day 71 - or um 72 today I guess huh?! CRAZY!! This morning I couldn't believe I was on 63!

I remember you mentioning your hand rash in past posts. Is that still around? Yesterday when I got out of the shower after the gym, I noticed I had a rash on the tops of both of my hands! I was freaking! Super tiny red dots.. almost like every pore on the top of my hands was inflamed! I rubbed my cerave AND aquaphor on my hands for the rest of the day, and by the evening and this morning it's pretty much gone? Did you're derm recommend anything speciifc to help you? I need to search back through your log!

Hope you get that good news about the internship.. and HAPPY BDAY!!! Hopefully you're skin gives you the best bday gift of all right?! Oh, and I know what you mean about red marks.. but the nice thing is, they tend to be easy to cover w some good concealor.. I love Clarins! (way overly expensive tho fyi)

Check back with you soon!

M

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