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This was supposed to be over. I told some people that I was leaving the org for good because I didn't like the idea of posting in this section for the rest of my life.

From 2007-2009 there has been no change in my scars. It's like I've been looking in the wrong mirror and now I got to see what my face really looks like. I have a few pimples right now, but my scars are dark red in the sunlight. To be honest, I could live with the scars, but do they have to be red? I don't even break out in that area, but it looks like I've been clawing at my face. I've even seen myself in daylight and I was able to accept what I saw, but today was different. My overall appearance was discouraging. I've posted pictures but they don't show what I saw this morning. I thought my face looked good, and I can't believe how many people I've spoken to with my scars like this.

The last two years were a joke. Just a bunch of fooling myself and living in delusion. Nobody in the real world will understand my problem, especially not my family or the people I associate with. My friends have limited understanding and would probably just laugh if I mentioned how my scars bother me. And if I brought up a problem that was bothering me it would be on fucking CNN the next day. You can't give anyone your trust because word travels fast.

I'm a hypocrite because of the advice I've given to everyone that passed through this section, and now I can't take my own advice. Only thing I have going appearance wise is my body I guess, but that's because I've been severely depressed the last couple of months and decided to exercise more than ever. I thought exercise was supposed to help depression but doesn't appear to be true in my case. And I've taken those bullshit Lexapro pills in the past and they've done nothing. And I can't be on those types of pills for the rest of my life, because when I come off I'll start to remember why I'm depressed in the first place, and then I'll need another fix.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not fishing for compliments, and I don't care if anyone responds either, but it's nice to be able to write something and have a person who's struggling with the same thing think "Yeah, I agree." Won't make you feel any better about your situation, but at least you know someone else is stuck with the same shit you're dealing with, and misery does enjoy its company.

Running away from your skin doesn't do any good. Facing your problem doesn't do anything either. We're fucked either way.

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And if I brought up a problem that was bothering me it would be on fucking CNN the next day. You can't give anyone your trust because word travels fast.

Words of gold right there.

I don't know man, I don't have much to say in response to your post. The few times I have talked to you outside of the Org I came to the conclusion you were a very strong minded person. I promise you, you are making more of it then what it really is, but I guess even the best of us feel down at one time or another. Keep ya head up.

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From the few times that I talked to you, you seemed like a real chill and down to earth person. You will get through this, just don't be so hard on yourself. You should hold your head up high because you have something that many people don't. Whether you say you are a hypocrite or not you took your time to help others. How many people these days are considerate of others and go out of their way to help? You seem like a good person, but you are also your own worst enemy. Don't let your skin change who you are.

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Running away from your skin doesn't do any good. Facing your problem doesn't do anything either. We're fucked either way.

This. Truer words have never been spoken. From your post it seems like you looked into a mirror and bad/real lighting and felt horrified. Dun worry it happens a lot. Until I got to the point of being numb.

I really cant tell you whether its better to scrutinize your face in every angle and lighting or just plain ignore it. Scrutinizing allows you to prepare yourself but depresses you. Ignoring is better for your spirit but if and when you manage to see your face in bad lighting, it hurts....

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@Vanz: That's what I'm saying. And it was in the morning when I noticed my scars. I don't know how I missed them before. I've even looked in car mirrors and thought what I saw was okay, but I guess the angle was different this time. My city usually has great sunlight and comfortable temperatures. Even the water looked clean today. Would be nice if I could enjoy it.

You look in every possible angle because you want to find one that makes you look presentable. Only problem with that is people on the outside have first impressions, and they're going to judge you on the first glance. And if you ignore your skin, hope you don't get caught off guard and accidentally look in a bad mirror, because that will ruin your day...

Anyways, I've been around long enough to know things start looking up after you hit rock bottom, but I'm thinking about the next crash already. I got through my last crash by ignoring the problem and putting on a smile (okay, it was only a smirk), but I don't want to fake this shit forever.

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I live in a delusion, too, I think.

See, when I look in the mirror, I'm standing far enough away to not see my skin clearly. But as soon as I put on my glasses... I just know.

But, I tell myself I'm beautiful anyways. Acne doesn't define you, who you are does. And you can't give all that up because of your skin.

Things will always be bad in life; you just have to accept that. And once you accept how things are, you learn how to live a better life, and nothing seems to be as bad as you thought anymore.

I've accepted the way my skin is and how it won't change anytime soon. I don't dwell on the things I can't change. And maybe I am living in a lie, but who cares? It's my life and no one else is going to live it and change it for me. We've all worked our asses off dealing with the daily shit people give us and trying to change for the better. Maybe it's time we stop living for others, start living for ourselves, and take a break. If the delusion makes you happy, then keep deluding yourself.

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See, when I look in the mirror, I'm standing far enough away to not see my skin clearly. But as soon as I put on my glasses... I just know.

Wow, me too. Sometimes I don't think I look that bad from far away because I can't see all the redness and scarring, not to mention the new pimples I have. Then I put on my glasses and I'm reminded of what everyone actually sees when they look at me... so most of the time I just don't wear my glasses unless I'm in class, hah.

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Yeah and I'm supposed to be wearing glasses but I don't. I don't even want to think about what it would look like with glasses.

And I used to say everything you're telling me, but it isn't going to work because the only magic word is "abracadabra", and even that one is bullshit. I wonder how many people, not just those with acne, but everyday kind of people live in delusion. But I give you credit for living how you do.

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No offense to any of you but I have to disagree on what the delusion actually is. I think that this is the delusion. You said it yourself that things were fine before you saw what you did. If you looked like that all along, why do you think that people are all of a sudden going to judge you differently? People worry and overreact over things that are not there for the most part. Are some people shallow? Sure, but that's more of a reason not to associate with them.

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I don't take any offense but what I'm saying is my confidence and self-esteem was a lie. And I've seen myself in different mirrors and lighting, and I thought there was progress. This morning I was back at ground zero. Didn't see any kind of change. Still the red, dark scarring that I had two years ago.

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No offense to any of you but I have to disagree on what the delusion actually is. I think that this is the delusion. You said it yourself that things were fine before you saw what you did. If you looked like that all along, why do you think that people are all of a sudden going to judge you differently? People worry and overreact over things that are not there for the most part. Are some people shallow? Sure, but that's more of a reason not to associate with them.

Exactly! People have been seeing you the same way, just because you see yourself differently doesn't mean they do too. Unless you let it change you.

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What is wrong with TCA cross and chemical peels?

You use TCA cross for the scars (do it at home, very cheap), which is supposed to be extremely effective and works relatively quickly.

You use gycolic, eventually TCA acid peels (at-home ones, very cheap) for the red marks. Can you imagine how clear your skin would have been if you had spent the last two years doing a 30% gycolic acid peel every weekend? They have a downtime of only 1-2 days.

I have learned something. Never let red marks heal 'naturally.' They don't. The notion that red marks are not permanent is bullshit. They are. Of course they will get lighter and lighter, but they will always be there unless you do something outside the natural healing process about them.

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I see what you are saying. I know that no words are going to help you feel better because I have been there. Like you said these feelings heal with time. Hopefully things will turn around quick for you. Just remember that no matter how shitty things get, they will always get better.

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I can't offer my "It'll get better, keep your chin up!" type stuff.

All I can say is I know exactly what you mean. It seems like everytime I have tried a new prescription, topical, antibiotic, or silly new diet, my Acne will get better for about 5 days. I'll gain some confidence and say to myself "It's finally going to be over!"

Yeah...no. There's nothing I can do about it. HOWEVER, I am finally growing a pair and living my life regardless. Fuck Acne, I want to be happy.

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Like I'm going to risk further damage to my face by doing a tca cross at home. I'm not a professional. I don't feel comfortable doing that. And I was using Retin-A cream for the scarring and red marks, and every area improved except for the area I need the most help in.

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I think the best course for you to take is perhaps to try some scar revision treatments. Depression over the scars coupled with the feeling of helplessness since you cant improve them on your own does not make for a good combination.

Personally for me, going for treatments gives me a sense of control over my scars, even though they may not give me the improvement i desire. It at least allowed me to feel like Im doing something about it. The feeling of improving your scarring is very liberating.

Another thing that helped for me was looking up at people who kinda got it worse than me and yet are able to live their lives better. I do this not to feel better at their plight but rather to draw inspiration from them.

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honestly just avoid looking at yourself under harsh lighting

that's what i do

my skin looks absolutely disgusting in some lighting so i just never look in mirrors around it

the thing is when you get a glimpse, you think shit that's how people see me, and maybe it is, but just cos you finally saw yourself under harsh lighting it doesnt change the way people have been seeing you. I mean it's not like people/friends dont know what you look like, and you've been facing them before you saw yourself harshly, and im guessing they never said anything then, so just cos you see yourself differently now isnt going to make people/friends suddenly see you differently.

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The ORG doesnt want to lose u heir because u give the understanding and exact feelings a person is to feel thats depressed of this god given disease

I dont care how much acne you have if u dress nice ur pretty getting acne made me b able to look at people in the Eye even if they have severe acne Eye contact is important in every aspect

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Hey Heir,

Let me start out and say Identify with you. Depression is quite a demon and influences every aspect of your life. I can identify with you all so many thing's from: Not taking pictures, being a HYPicrite, having my heart being ripped out of your chest because of seeing your face in certain lighting, putting trust in people and getting dissapointed etc.. Heck, I've been a true sufferer of depression for 3-4 years solid and pockets throughout my whole life. Not only did my dad go through a similar depression around my age but the lack of proper nutrition and some childhood troubles influenced it's spiraling out of control. But, i'm getting out of it and my acne is starting to really clear up (though, not quite their yet).

The important to realize about depression is their's to influencing factors: One.. Lack of proper nutrition. Your body needs the right amount of vitamins/nutrition to function efficientcy. Your body doesn't have a "anti-depressant deficiancy but on of NUTRITION. The problem is most of our food today is so lacking any nutritional value, that we have more people our age falling into depression. People just dont' know what foods to eat anymore and have relied on "Convient, No effort food cooking" to get them around.

THe Second factor is "A LACK OF A Will".. You don't have anything to strive for or carrying out. Your just sort of umm "Stuck".. YOu may get to a point where you make a little progress in carrying something out but you soon fall right back into the mud, because you don't have a solid thing to striving for. You may even be afraid to "Try" or "Take a first step" in acheiving something.

We as human beings were wired to "Do something", not sit on our arses and sulk all day. Which, alot of people our doing in today's world. 50 years ago, you didn't hear of people falling into depression because they aint the right foods and they were "Working" in the fields all day. The working gave them a purpose and the nutrition was feeding the mind it's fuel to function.

let me just encourage you to stay on and be a member on here. This is really a rare community of people who understand what you are going through. Also, let me just say that jesus is the answer to every problem someone has and wants to help you but only if you let him. i honestly didn't let him help me enough when i was depressed and relied on the worlds wayz of getting me out of my depression ie.. anti-depressant, self-help speeches, buying things i thought would bring me pleasure, putting a false ego on etc.. It all won't get you anywhere in the end.

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Running away from your skin doesn't do any good. Facing your problem doesn't do anything either. We're fucked either way.

Yup, that pretty much sums it up. When I've fooled myself into thinking it's ok and try to move on with my life, things either get much worse, or others feel the need to remind me EVERY SINGLE DAY that I look like a freak. Then, when I try to face it head on, nothing can be done to fix it. That hurts even more.

This is why I have desire for life anymore. I don't remember the last time I had a happy moment.

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