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TamLin

Clear, but still living in fear.

You don't know me, but you know my story. You know about the acne, about the scars, about the pain, the fear, the depression, the anxiety. You know my story, because it's probably your story too. We all know each other, because in a certain sense, we are all the same person, or at least, a part of us is the same, from each to each.

But my story has a happy ending. I went to a dermatologist and found a simple drug regimin that really works. After two years my acne has all but vanished. I can finally stand to look at myself in the mirror and look people in the eye when I talk to them.

I should be happy. But deep down inside, I'm still the same frightened, insecure person I was before.

Every morning my heart pounds and my chest feels tight when I look into the mirror for the first time, expecting to see a new, horrible breakout. A thousand times a day I run my fingertips over my chin and forehead, making sure that no new growths are emerging under the surface. If even a small zit appears, I come very close to a panic attack. Oftentimes I will fool myself into thinking that something is there even when it's not, and I'll spiral right back into depression. Above all else I am terrified, completely and truly terrified, that the treatment will stop working and the Bad Old Days will come back again.

I feel guilty complaining because I know I'm one of the lucky ones, that countless people will look at my (relatively) clear skin with envy and berate me for expecting sympathy or pity over such petty insecurities. My girlfriend often asks about my depressive funks and I don't know what to tell her. That I'm upset about the acne I don't have? It's madness. And yet even with as far as I've come, I'm still a slave to the fear.

I lived my entire life since the age of 12 (I'm 26 now) with this anxiety, and now I can't let it go. The bottom line is, I just can't believe that it's really over, that things are going to stay good, that the problem is minor and that I can put it behind me. My gut tells me that this is temporary, that it could go at anytime, and that'll I'll be that much worse off for having been briefly happy.

I wonder if I'm alone, if this is just a quirk of my own particularly depressive, high-drama personality, or if this is common, normal even, and simply never discussed. I wonder if it's safe to start hoping or if my doubst are right, that the problem never really goes away but just hides, briefly, and bides its time. I wonder if there are more types of scars than the sort we usually talk about, and whether these ones last for the rest of your life too.

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You have clear face and you are unhappy?

Enjoy your life, get some activities, dont look to mirror often.

Lot of peoples have much worse problems than your 1 blackhead, you should be happy.

Just enjoy the life!

Get some friends, be active, dont stay at home alltime.

I think you are depressed, i wish to have clear skin, like 1 years ago i had only some small spots, and i was happy, every morning i waked up and enjoyd life, was great times.

But now i every morning wake up and run to mirror, and zomg, omfg.... My face looks shit, think about going outside all looking , and trying to say, wtf is wrong with ur face...

I wish to have clear face. O.o

Screw that acne, and go do something, youre beatiful!

Go enjoy your life now, dont be depressed, life always is amazing.

Finally if you are clear, what you need more, not every 1 knows that feeling, when you have bad acne, and when you are clear.

If i were now clear, i would cry, because i would be happest person in the world.

Be strong!

(sorry for my english -.-)

Edited by iWantBeHappy

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Hi, TamLin. You're definitely not alone with the fear bit. The emotional scars acne leaves can sometimes be worse than the physical ones. As time goes on and your skin stays clear, hopefully you'll be able to put some of your fears to rest.

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You don't know me, but you know my story. You know about the acne, about the scars, about the pain, the fear, the depression, the anxiety. You know my story, because it's probably your story too. We all know each other, because in a certain sense, we are all the same person, or at least, a part of us is the same, from each to each.

But my story has a happy ending. I went to a dermatologist and found a simple drug regimin that really works. After two years my acne has all but vanished. I can finally stand to look at myself in the mirror and look people in the eye when I talk to them.

I should be happy. But deep down inside, I'm still the same frightened, insecure person I was before.

Every morning my heart pounds and my chest feels tight when I look into the mirror for the first time, expecting to see a new, horrible breakout. A thousand times a day I run my fingertips over my chin and forehead, making sure that no new growths are emerging under the surface. If even a small zit appears, I come very close to a panic attack. Oftentimes I will fool myself into thinking that something is there even when it's not, and I'll spiral right back into depression. Above all else I am terrified, completely and truly terrified, that the treatment will stop working and the Bad Old Days will come back again.

I feel guilty complaining because I know I'm one of the lucky ones, that countless people will look at my (relatively) clear skin with envy and berate me for expecting sympathy or pity over such petty insecurities. My girlfriend often asks about my depressive funks and I don't know what to tell her. That I'm upset about the acne I don't have? It's madness. And yet even with as far as I've come, I'm still a slave to the fear.

I lived my entire life since the age of 12 (I'm 26 now) with this anxiety, and now I can't let it go. The bottom line is, I just can't believe that it's really over, that things are going to stay good, that the problem is minor and that I can put it behind me. My gut tells me that this is temporary, that it could go at anytime, and that'll I'll be that much worse off for having been briefly happy.

I wonder if I'm alone, if this is just a quirk of my own particularly depressive, high-drama personality, or if this is common, normal even, and simply never discussed. I wonder if it's safe to start hoping or if my doubst are right, that the problem never really goes away but just hides, briefly, and bides its time. I wonder if there are more types of scars than the sort we usually talk about, and whether these ones last for the rest of your life too.

not alone at all!... except mine did come back this month. well i had been tested for systemic candida which made my skin horrible starting at age 17 now im 20 years old. it wasnt until i was 19 that i was tested and treated. I finally got someone who helped me. It took a whole year to clear and by august of this year my skin was all one color, my scars were almost all gone, and i was finally going back to school again and walking with confidence that i was moving foward. The September BAM 4 cysts 1 after another. now its still not letting up. I found out its not the candida its my weakened immune system. Due to having candida my body is beat up and not strong enough to deal with allergens. Guess what it was from, my 1st puppy i got myself this august, to supposedly help me heal emotionally from the traumatic past 4 years. ironic how this bit me in the ass. i already missed a week of school, and im constantly looking at little bumps and waiting for them to become something they might not. This month gave me three new red scars on my forehead, one is really big and so embarrassing. im still freaking out.

We are emotionally prepared for those little spots to turn into a leaky cyst. I too check the mirror and examine every inch for a sign of something even when there's nothing. i brace for it. i want to feel that control. I think to find the security that no break outs will come will only come with a length of time to prove it. just stay strong and be honest with ones you love. sometimes its that human part of us that make people love us more.

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Come on! U should not be thinking like that. U shoud make up for what u have lost in the past if u had. Go out enjoy your life. Don't be like those morons out there and most importantly dont forget your friends and buddies here.

GOOD LUCK ALL THE BEST!

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