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The hope thread got me thinking..that ever since I've had acne, I don't feel that I deserve friends. Or that acne makes me a bad friend. Whenever I have bad breakouts I want to hide. And cancel outings, and appointments, stuff like that. I've had outings with friends before, in which a particularily bad breakout was running its course. And not being able to forget my skin for one second. And seeing the sad glances of your clear skinned friends is one of the worst things ever. Or when they look at you, and then look away quickly. My friends are nice people, and they would never say anything hurtful about my face. But they've never had acne, and it's hard for them to understand. Not that I would ever talk about it with them. Or mention it to them, ever. But there's like some sort of nonverbal communication between fellow acne sufferers. Some kind of mutual understanding. Acceptance. Even if you're both self concious mofos. There's something shared that people who have never had acne just don't get. And sometimes now my friends who have never had acne sort of bug me. They seem upset at the most trivial things. I don't mean to judge them, and of course I don't want to stop being their friend, but it just feels like there was suddenly a deep chasm that opened up between us. And it's occured to me, I don't really want to be around them. I don't want to constantly go over such petty worries. I've had enough suffering and agonizing over how I'm not good enough. I'm tired of it. They can go on about a tiny freckle for hours or shit. And I'm tired of pretending I care. Acne seems to make your perspective of pain widen or something. And I realized, I just want a friend who is a fellow acne sufferer like myself, and the unspoken agreement between us is to not care about the acne. The mutual agreement is forgetting. There was another thread on here somewhere that mentioned that acne sufferers just want to feel normal, and those brief times of forgetting are bliss, and I identified with that. I find it easier to forget about acne around acne suffers. I know that sounds ironic, but it's not really. If I see other people with acne it sort of reassures me that's it's ok. And if it's ok then I find it easier to forget. If something is not ok I get preoccupied at how to fix it. But if I don't have to fix it then it just breezes to the back of your memory and your mind is let up to think about other things. It's really refreshing.

But anyway, I've realized that ever since acne, I find it very hard to make friends now. I mean hell people don't even notice my acne when I put makeup on. The hardest part is feeling when other people make signs they want to be friends. And you want to be friends too, and smile with them, and go do silly friends things. But a part of you holds back, and puts up a wall, or blocks the friend stage, and just fades away. Because you can't stand even the *thought* of rejection. And anyway, your next breakout is due soon and once that comes you'll want to hide from everyone and your friends will be hurt or confused. I've always thought that, not letting people get too close in the first place actually saves them later on, because no one likes to be dropped in the middle of a unfolding friendship. So it's like you're lonely, but it's for the best, because people shouldn't feel rejected. And it's better to be rejected before any kind of bond happens between you and other, rather than hurt something substantial.

Sorry for going on and on. I would like to know what you guys think.

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Great post. Kept me reading to the end. I believe tons of people are going to agree with you, and some not. But I have to say, though I can completely parallel my life with this, I have to disagree with some of the statements. Ignoring people/possible friendships leads to seclusion, which leads to lonliness, which (in most cases) leads to extended unhappiness.

Sometimes it's best to do what's best. As unintelligent as that sounded, many of us don't look for what's best for us, but what's easiest. The problem is there is no definite "best" thing to do, it always varies depending on the person.

I encourage you (and anyone) to just simply find a way to make it through. Though society (and ourselves for that matter) tells us that acne is a con in a pro world, there are positives to acne. I find that when you have acne, you find out who your true friends are, and what kind of people they really are. Also, I believe it can strengthen you emotionally and mentally.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but whatever, I'm going to drink some Juicy Juice.

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I haven't seen my friends in about a year because of my face. I hope it can be better in a few months and I can go hang out with them again.

dont think that youre the only one..

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I totally agree with you, 100%. None of my friends have had acne, and I feel like I'm excluded. I have bacne, acne on my chest, and acne on my face. I can never even put on a bathing suit! I don't have enough courage and I hate it when people stare then quickly look away. And it makes me feel bad about myself when my family or friends say "Ooh, pop that pimple!" or point out how bad my acne is. Your blog made me want to read more and more. Keep posting [:

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yea I don't stop myself from seeing friends, they make me feel better but sometimes they can be annoying with petty things. Like one of my best GF's had a pimple on her chin and it was the only one! While I'm sitting there with like 5 and 1 underneath. I said to her "are you seriously complaining about 1 pimple on your otherwise perfect complexion?!?!?! Look at my skin right now you dumb bitchhh!!!" We both laughed and smoked a j (which probably made my skin worse but hey I'm living life" haha

anyway I know kinda how you feel about "new" friends because you think they're going to go back to all their other too-cool-for-school friends and say "stay away from her...she has...gasp...ACNE" hahah I sometimes imagine this happening but I doubt it does. Everyone gets acne at some point. I heard 70% of all people! So WE are NOT alone. Just b/c someone has clear skin doesn't mean that they always had. When I got crystal clear on Diane 35 I didn't go bragging about it to everyone I met but when ppl would say OMG look at your skin how are you so perfect :) I would tell them it was only b/c of Diane 35 and if I wasn't on it I would break out like a mofo. They could hardly believe it. so yeah...ppl are not as critical as you think. My advice, go out, make many friends, eat ice cream, play softball (or something else you like to play), enjoy summer and DON'T let acne stop you from being likable. And remember sometimes flaws like acne can make you more likable. I know it's hard to believe but I have a large group of close friends that love me to death and they won't make me feel like my acne is ugly or abnormal. They treat me very well b/c I never ditch them if we have plans, I always am there (even with a horrible breakout). I am a great person and so are you. You just have to let go of how uncomfortable you are with acne because others only get uncomfortable because you're being weird and unsociable. Give it a try. And I also do Yoga and drink 2 glasses of lemon water a day. It helps :) sorry for the rant

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The worse my acne gets, the more I will spend time alone. I do have those few good friends that I will hang out with almost no matter what though..

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You're still afraid. It would be in your best interest to drop the fear, and let those potential friends through the door. The longer you allow acne to influence the choices you make , the harder it will become to break away from that damaging mindset.

Listen to yourself. While your current friends are very kind, they're not on the same plane as you are. I wish to meet someone who could understand exactly how I feel, but the odds aren't in my favor. However, I can promise you that you'll never meet that person if you start building the wall the moment after you say 'Nice to meet you'. Maybe that's what the problem is. We're not willing to take a chance and let our guard down. The negative thoughts, and the second guessing, overwhelm the desire to find those special people, and we remain alone.

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I find that when you have acne, you find out who your true friends are, and what kind of people they really are. Also, I believe it can strengthen you emotionally and mentally.

Absolutely right - my friends have been incredibly supportive of me, my real friends - others who I've got along well with, but who stare at my skin, when I'm looking away, and hide the fact that they think I'm dirty, I've grown apart from - but a select few I really do rejoice in knowing that they are there, and they don't give two monkeys what the hell I look like - they like me for who I am, just as your friends like you for who you are :) don't hide - I did, it's just not worth it, depression saps you and things spiral down into hating yourself and I don't need to go any further

Best of luck with the accutane btw (:

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I just want to say that, what you said it's fucking true. And, we are on the same boat. This is exactly what I'm feeling right now, at the point of writing this reply. I am so glad that you wrote out my feelings and summarize them. Omg, you don't know how right on were you.

My experience:

I am really close in starting a relationship with "A". But, I'm on Accutane and it makes my acne worst than ever right now (you know, the initial breakouts) it's really a mess now. I've told "A" about my breakouts (because he kept askin why I kept rejecting our dates). I just don't want him to see my face like that, though he says that he sees me as who I am and not what I look like. But, deep down inside, i know that looks really matters to anyone, including him. So, I just hold back, although I really like him but Acne jus make me hold back and now we're drifting further and further...and I think he sure thinks that I am not interested in him..but the truth is, I really like him.. I just don't hav the courage to face him and i don't wan him to see my face like that....

sigh...Acne really sucks. No one should suffer like that. We don't deserve it.

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