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Jonima

My Severity of Acne is Directly Proportional to my Self Guilt

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I have noticed that when my acne is at its worst, i feel so down in the dumps. I know this is natural. I'm more than sure that a majority of people feel that they have been cheated with terrible acne. So some actions and emotions can result, such as depression, anger, and the like.

But I have also noticed that when my acne is not as bad, I feel "attached" to my past acne. I get the notion that I don't actually "deserve" clear skin. So i feel that I should still have some acne to even out any chance at perfection. I guess I subconsciously don't want to be perfect. Is this because of my four+ years of acne?

The feelings of guilt, anger, and depression lessen as my acne lessens. And oppositely, as my clear skin becomes greater, so does my attachment to my acne. Written out, this doesn't make sense; I always want clear skin. And that is how I especially feel when I have bad skin. Maybe it's like masturbation; you want it so badly before you have done it/when you don't have it. However, after you have had/done it, you don't want it anymore/as much.

Does anyone else feel this way or have noticed this?

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I can relate somewhat to your feelings. When I have semi-clear skin, I feel like someone is playing a cruel joke on me, I don't let myself buy into it. I always feel like it wont last.

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I can relate somewhat to your feelings. When I have semi-clear skin, I feel like someone is playing a cruel joke on me, I don't let myself buy into it. I always feel like it wont last.

exactly. this can't be natural. it must be a psychological disorder of some sort.

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You do deserve clear skin. Never forget that. Always keep in mind that as your skin clears up, you'll be able to be a more productive person. I was riddle with servere acne for 8 years and still have horrible scars. But you know what? I did more in these last 4 or so months of reduced breakouts, in terms of relationships with human beings, than I did in 5 years. Even people with one pimple deserve to have clear skin.

I will also add that I NEVER let skin clearing up give me hopes at all. I guess if that's your problem, you just have to live with never having hope because even now I am like living on the edge - never knowing where or when my next breakout will be.

Could this be the problem you speaking of? If so, then I understand as well

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I will also add that I NEVER let skin clearing up give me hopes at all. I guess if that's your problem, you just have to live with never having hope because even now I am like living on the edge - never knowing where or when my next breakout will be.

This is exactly how I feel. Clear skin is not real to me, I feel like a breakout is just around the corner. I'm trying to deal with these feelings, it's not fun to live with these thoughts all of the time.

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I will also add that I NEVER let skin clearing up give me hopes at all. I guess if that's your problem, you just have to live with never having hope because even now I am like living on the edge - never knowing where or when my next breakout will be.

Yes. In the past four+ years, I have never been confident in my skin. Whenever I have a breakout, I think that it's normal. And I am sort of grateful when I have clear skin, but I know it's only ephemeral. Instead of celebrating my clear skin, I just worry about the next breakout.

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I always think that hope gives us strength to persevere through tough times. Hm, maybe once I have clear skin, I won't need to rely on hope as much.

States of acne are bitches. Playing games on our minds.

Edited by Jonima

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I think it is absolutely true what you say about acne playing with our minds. I mean it's physical, but it's psychological too. There's a really good excerpt from a book I read. I hope you like this excerpt as much as I do, jonima.

"For many [people] with acne, the skin-stress connection is cruelly exacerbated by yet another insidious connection--the fact that acne itself is stressful. Not only does it toy with your emotions by making you feel self-concious and eroding your self-esteem, but it also keeps you hanging in the unnerving state of never knowing what will happen next. Fried says that the results are similar to those attained in a classic laboratory experiment involving rats.

A researcher takes a rat and puts it in a cage equipped with two levers. When the rat presses one lever, he gets an electric shock; when he presses the other, he gets food. In fairly short order, the rat learns to avoid the lever that shocks him and head for the one that gives him food when he is hungry. "And he's a happy, emotionally well-adjusted rat," says Fried. His life is predictable, and he feels in control of his environment. He eats normally, he's got a healthy immune system. If you put other rats in the cage with him, he will socialize appropriately with them; he will mate normally with a female rat."

If, on the other hand, the scientist puts a rat in a cage with two identical levers, but continously switches the wiring around so that the rat never knows which one will shock him and which one will reward him with food, he soon becomes a basket case. "These rats become hostile or withdrawn; they overeat or refuse to eat; their immune systems go haywire, and they come down with diseases; they become sexually apathetic or hypersexual; sometimes they engage in autistic rocking behavior."

The difference is that the second rat is living in a completely unpredictable environment with no sense of control over what happens to him. You can apply that model, says Fried, to human beings living in any unpredictable environment--whether it's a war zone or a household with an alcoholic. They get stressed; they feel anxious; they may get eating disorders, become promiscuous or sexually inactive; they feel anger; they feel depression.

"Well, what is acne, after all," asks Fried, "but totally unpredictable? Its absolutely capricious nature is one of its worst characteristics. The acne patient lives with the sense she can never be completely sure about what will happen next, that she has no control over her own skin. She's using her BenzaClin, she's using her Tazorac, and then suddenly her acne is worse than it was two weeks ago. Of course it's stressful. How could it not be?" (pp 141-143, Breaking Out by Lydia Preston).

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I think it is absolutely true what you say about acne playing with our minds. I mean it's physical, but it's psychological too. There's a really good excerpt from a book I read. I hope you like this excerpt as much as I do, jonima.

"For many [people] with acne, the skin-stress connection is cruelly exacerbated by yet another insidious connection--the fact that acne itself is stressful. Not only does it toy with your emotions by making you feel self-concious and eroding your self-esteem, but it also keeps you hanging in the unnerving state of never knowing what will happen next. Fried says that the results are similar to those attained in a classic laboratory experiment involving rats.

A researcher takes a rat and puts it in a cage equipped with two levers. When the rat presses one lever, he gets an electric shock; when he presses the other, he gets food. In fairly short order, the rat learns to avoid the lever that shocks him and head for the one that gives him food when he is hungry. "And he's a happy, emotionally well-adjusted rat," says Fried. His life is predictable, and he feels in control of his environment. He eats normally, he's got a healthy immune system. If you put other rats in the cage with him, he will socialize appropriately with them; he will mate normally with a female rat."

If, on the other hand, the scientist puts a rat in a cage with two identical levers, but continously switches the wiring around so that the rat never knows which one will shock him and which one will reward him with food, he soon becomes a basket case. "These rats become hostile or withdrawn; they overeat or refuse to eat; their immune systems go haywire, and they come down with diseases; they become sexually apathetic or hypersexual; sometimes they engage in autistic rocking behavior."

The difference is that the second rat is living in a completely unpredictable environment with no sense of control over what happens to him. You can apply that model, says Fried, to human beings living in any unpredictable environment--whether it's a war zone or a household with an alcoholic. They get stressed; they feel anxious; they may get eating disorders, become promiscuous or sexually inactive; they feel anger; they feel depression.

"Well, what is acne, after all," asks Fried, "but totally unpredictable? Its absolutely capricious nature is one of its worst characteristics. The acne patient lives with the sense she can never be completely sure about what will happen next, that she has no control over her own skin. She's using her BenzaClin, she's using her Tazorac, and then suddenly her acne is worse than it was two weeks ago. Of course it's stressful. How could it not be?" (pp 141-143, Breaking Out by Lydia Preston).

that could not be more spot on

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Yeah, thanks for posting that butterflyblue, it really does make a lot of sense and not just for acne. It makes sense in a lot of aspects of life, that if something is inconsistent it makes one feel stressed and a myriad of other bad feelings.

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I'm currently reading A New Worldby Ekhart Tolle and and the central point of the book is gaining awreness of ones ego. In Tolle's and many other eastern spiritual figures eyes the ego is the little voice in our head that incessantly complains, insatiably wants and thrives on our suffering. By indulging in self loathing thoughts like, "I don't deserve good skin", or "I have acne and don't deserve it" the ego is fortified and our vieew of reality becomes that much more opaque . I'm not trying to say that I've transcended theses tendencys, on the contrary I think that my inability to break away from them is why I'm still dealing with this disease at the ripe old age of 23.

These ideas go far beyond acne and into the suffering of people with no discernible flaws. Us acne sufferers might have a tendency to think that suffering isn't natural, or that we only suffer because of acne, when in reality if your acne did clear without any gains in awareness, the ego would just grab onto some other desire and suffering will ensue.

I recommend the book,

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These ideas go far beyond acne and into the suffering of people with no discernible flaws. Us acne sufferers might have a tendency to think that suffering isn't natural, or that we only suffer because of acne, when in reality if your acne did clear without any gains in awareness, the ego would just grab onto some other desire and suffering will ensue.

This made me think.

So in order for us to break away from our incessant self-pity, we need to find some sort of strength, whether it be internal or external, to break the self-detrimental pattern.

Oh how acne can bring about so many problems? Wait, is that self-loathing?

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I have noticed that when my acne is at its worst, i feel so down in the dumps. I know this is natural. I'm more than sure that a majority of people feel that they have been cheated with terrible acne. So some actions and emotions can result, such as depression, anger, and the like.

But I have also noticed that when my acne is not as bad, I feel "attached" to my past acne. I get the notion that I don't actually "deserve" clear skin. So i feel that I should still have some acne to even out any chance at perfection. I guess I subconsciously don't want to be perfect. Is this because of my four+ years of acne?

The feelings of guilt, anger, and depression lessen as my acne lessens. And oppositely, as my clear skin becomes greater, so does my attachment to my acne. Written out, this doesn't make sense; I always want clear skin. And that is how I especially feel when I have bad skin. Maybe it's like masturbation; you want it so badly before you have done it/when you don't have it. However, after you have had/done it, you don't want it anymore/as much.

Does anyone else feel this way or have noticed this?

The depressive and anxious life can be sickly satisfying to the point where even if you want to change, you're unable to because you're comfortable and you feel 'safe' with your disorders. In fact, you might even feel defined by your disorders and that they make you 'special' and unique -- you might even be fond of them and feel like you deserve the suffering and that this is all happening for a reason.

It's hard to summon the willpower to change your life when you're snugly cocooned in a world of your own creation, even if that world makes you miserable.

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I have noticed that when my acne is at its worst, i feel so down in the dumps. I know this is natural. I'm more than sure that a majority of people feel that they have been cheated with terrible acne. So some actions and emotions can result, such as depression, anger, and the like.

But I have also noticed that when my acne is not as bad, I feel "attached" to my past acne. I get the notion that I don't actually "deserve" clear skin. So i feel that I should still have some acne to even out any chance at perfection. I guess I subconsciously don't want to be perfect. Is this because of my four+ years of acne?

The feelings of guilt, anger, and depression lessen as my acne lessens. And oppositely, as my clear skin becomes greater, so does my attachment to my acne. Written out, this doesn't make sense; I always want clear skin. And that is how I especially feel when I have bad skin. Maybe it's like masturbation; you want it so badly before you have done it/when you don't have it. However, after you have had/done it, you don't want it anymore/as much.

Does anyone else feel this way or have noticed this?

The depressive and anxious life can be sickly satisfying to the point where even if you want to change, you're unable to because you're comfortable and you feel 'safe' with your disorders. In fact, you might even feel defined by your disorders and that they make you 'special' and unique -- you might even be fond of them and feel like you deserve the suffering and that this is all happening for a reason.

It's hard to summon the willpower to change your life when you're snugly cocooned in a world of your own creation, even if that world makes you miserable.

That was a good post and pretty much summed up how I feel about my acne situation, except for the part I bolded. I didn't create my acne situation, but I still get the meaning.

Yes! I have labeled myself as the kid with acne. It's what I have been for nearly the past five years of my life. Maybe it's just that I am so used to seeing myself with a fucked up face that it's normal to me now. And anything differently doesn't seem right and subconsciously disagrees with me, even if it is good. Fuck me. And thank you for the post, Suicide.

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Don't ever feel like you dont deserve to be happy kids :comfort: Even if you have acne don't ever lower your self worth because of it.

If you can see the experience of living with acne as somethng which drives you rather than hinders you, acne itself will fade away in your mind. The amount of importance it has in your life is down to one person. YOU. Your mind is the most powerful organ in your body and once you convince yourself of something it becomes true. So why not watch the negative thoughts float by in your head and say to them,' come in have a cup of tea, lets talk this out. Mind, I want us to work together from now on.'

And the only person that can make you FEEl anything is yourself. No one can make you feel anything, you are projecting those feelings onto people and situations. Listen to what you are saying to yourself. Why do you feel you deserve to be punished? You need to love yourself unconditionally and forgive yourselves for just being human.

I do believe a lot problems in the body are directly psychosomatic and if you change your attitudes and the way you think about everything then your body can heal.

Now go outside and sit in the garden lol.

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I do believe a lot problems in the body are directly psychosomatic and if you change your attitudes and the way you think about everything then your body can heal.

Now go outside and sit in the garden lol.

Thank you for the thoughts; the more the merrier. I understand what you are saying. I should always shoot for having a mindset centered around using acne to my advantage, not the opposite.

But do you think that if our bodies change before our mind gets a chance to mature, then it is not as effective to heal? Now we're getting into holistic stuff here.

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i can somehow relate to your post, but this reaction really got my attention:

I will also add that I NEVER let skin clearing up give me hopes at all. I guess if that's your problem, you just have to live with never having hope because even now I am like living on the edge - never knowing where or when my next breakout will be.

This is exactly how I feel. Clear skin is not real to me, I feel like a breakout is just around the corner. I'm trying to deal with these feelings, it's not fun to live with these thoughts all of the time.

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im sure we all want clear skin, and we deserve it! but we want so in a secure way, without fear!

but thats the thing with people, whenever we get negative experiences and get rid of it, we are afraid to experience it again. (bit like a trauma)

This sums it up perfectly for me..

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But I have also noticed that when my acne is not as bad, I feel "attached" to my past acne. I get the notion that I don't actually "deserve" clear skin. So i feel that I should still have some acne to even out any chance at perfection. I guess I subconsciously don't want to be perfect. Is this because of my four+ years of acne?
Wow, I thought I was the only person who felt this way. I have had acne now for so long that I feel if I have clear skin, I am undeserving of it.

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But I have also noticed that when my acne is not as bad, I feel "attached" to my past acne. I get the notion that I don't actually "deserve" clear skin. So i feel that I should still have some acne to even out any chance at perfection. I guess I subconsciously don't want to be perfect. Is this because of my four+ years of acne?
Wow, I thought I was the only person who felt this way. I have had acne now for so long that I feel if I have clear skin, I am undeserving of it.

it sucks to feel this way. i think that whenever we have clear skin, we have something to work toward, to clear up our skin and have a goal. but as we near this goal and start to clear up, i guess we feel as if we don't have a goal and nothing top work on, we feel.. incomplete??

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