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Yesterday, I received my order from MUAC:

Pumpkin Mask w/ 5% Glycolic Acid

Rosehips Hibiscus Scar Cream

Micro Cream (? I forget the exact name; it's for exfoliating)

Aloe w/ Lavender Gel

Of course, I got straight to work. Washed my face, used the Micro Cream. Rinsed, applied Pumkin Mask and left it on for 10 minutes instead of 5. Washed face, applied Aloe Gel.

I looked worse than before. Red, blotchy, and just all around horrible. Self esteem = -5. I was hoping the hubby wouldn't come home and see me. I mean, he's seen me at my worst, but I haven't been at that state for a LONG time. I didn't want to go back.

Over the course of the day, I got a little less red. I applied the scar cream in the afternoon and then right before bed. No changes except I was no longer red.

I had a conversation with the hubby, told him I used the products... He said, while searching my face for a difference, "Did it work?" "Well no, not really," I replied. He asked was it supposed to work the first time, and I said I think I should see something, right? So now, self esteem = 3. Normal for me, but I know how to hide it well.

This morning, I swear, my face had a glow. Some of the marks do look diminished! The milia on my forehead look like they are disappearing. Blackheads on my nose are breaking their lease and moving out. The 2, yes TWO, pimples, yes PIMPLES (not cysts) are at a head after being on my face for 2 days with nothing. Things are looking up. Self esteem = eh, 4 or 5.

It's amazing how in 24 hours almost, my self esteem has wavered so dramatically. I have been searching for the product for me for so long, I don't know what it's like to be truly, sincerely, constantly HAPPY. My happiness is now dependent upon what will make my face glow, primarily. I have two children, and while their smiles give me chills, their eyes looking into mine show me true beauty, I am not 100% unless my best face is forward. I have a fiance and I love him with all my heart, but I feel like I am holding him back from his possible dream of a beautiful family. I am the hinderance.

Why can't I just LIVE MY LIFE? Because of acne. Why can't I chase my dreams? Because of acne. Why can't I let go of my no-good "friends" and just make new ones? Because of acne. This list goes on and on, and the bottom line is my acne keeps me holed up.

Everyone sees this facade I've built. My mom thinks I have the highest self-confidence. I yelled at her as a teenager, and I felt bad about it, but I was so sad: I told her, yeah, you think I like myself, that's what I want people to think. I don't want you to feel bad for me! But I hate myself! I don't look in the mirror and say "Damn! I'm fine!" I take pictures of myself in the BEST lighting so I can look to see what I COULD look like.

I just want this to be OVER. Hopefully, I can be at self esteem = 100000000000. If this round of hopefully-miracle-products doesn't work, I think I'll be at my mental cliff - should I or shouldn't I just jump....

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So I'm pretty much exactly at the point you were at when you were a teen..arguing with the mother and everything ahha..hope everything works out and also be happy that you have a hubby!!

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Reading this post, one aspect specifically came to my attention:

You seem to understand your own self-esteem issues and you hope to fix them. The hardest part I think is realizing that you don't have to fix acne to fix yourself. You are much more than your acne, and sometimes that is difficult for anyone to see (meaning yourself, not others).

Take this as an example: You meet someone new, you smile and shake hands. They saw you from at least 6 inches to a foot away. When you talk you stand farther back as well. The person you are having a conversation with is looking at your entire body, only you fixate on your skin.

It's hard to arrive at that point, but it's possible and I wish you the best of luck. The org is one of the best places to help you with your struggle. =)

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