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johndear

Acne Scar and Online Dating

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So I tried online dating recently and met a couple people who were interested in meeting me in person. Of course, I only posted my best pictures so they didn't know I had moderate-severe acne scar. When I met them in person, they didn't look too surprised but as the date progressed, I could sense that they wanted to finish dinner and leave. And when I called the next day to follow up, they ignored my calls.

The funny thing is that before the date, we exchanged emails and phone calls constantly. They told me I sounded like a REALLY nice person and was anxious to meet me. Once they did, and saw my scars, they probably got really disappointed.

I did everything to prepare for these dates, too. I dressed very nicely, bought them a flower, and paid for the dinner. The conversations were great, and I avoided talking about myself too much. So I feel like I did everything right on my part...except for my looks.

The more I meet people, I feel like they are rejecting me because of my scars. It's severe enough that even laser treatment wouldn't completely get rid of them. Regardless of the scars, I am starting to hate everyone for being so superficial. If they like talking to me, why can't they accept how I look? I am feeling so rejected and frustrated right now. I have no idea what to do anymore. Any advice would be deeply appreciated.

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You sound very sweet! I know it feels good to put your best pic out there, I do on the forums, but when it comes to dating, and meeting new people in person, maybe you should put a current picture of yourself, and meet people who love how you look with your scarring... And when you meet them in person, they see the you that they saw in the pictures.

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Thanx for your feedback. I did try putting pictures up a long time ago that showed my scars and had no luck meeting people. Oh well, maybe I am just butt ugly regardless of the scars lol? but I agree online dating is harder than meeting people in person. This is probably my last try. After that, I'll go outside more often or volunteer on the weekends. I guess my problem is that I don't know where to go to meet people. I tried the bar scene but I felt like I didnt belong there. =|

I wish you guys were around! We can all be friends and hang out~ Then, acne and scars would be the last thing to worry about! =)

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I met my One online.... and i was thinking OMG hes gonna freak when he sees how my scars look-- I have A LOT all on my cheeks. A LOT. But you know what? With the right person, they will like you no matter what... its their loss if they are being that shallow... remember, that its only an outer shell- it doesnt make you who you are.

My self confidence SUCKS. trust me. its very bad and i try to cover up my face as much as i can with my hair... i always think of people looking at my scars but we also gotta think that we are not the only ones on the planet that have acne scars.

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My brother, how about you just all together stop worrying about finding a companion? Just go out there and have fun and it will happen when you least expect it.. : )

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i am too chicken to see people irl cuz of my scars... you are a brave dude man, keep your chin up, these ladies, well they aren't worth your time. maybe go to somewhere irl to meet ladies, they will know straight off the bat what you look like, no need for worrying and stuff i guess..

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Yea, I am just gonna go out and be myself. The more I look for someone, the harder it gets. It's just really hard mentally to be patient. I go out on the weekends and notice couples shopping, eating, driving around together, etc. And I am all alone in my car going to drive thru. I notice these things more and more and it really bothers me.

I guess we all need that companionship and acne (scar) is preventing us from having it. It might not be the sole reason that prevents us from having a relationship, but definitely plays a role. And some people consider it a bigger problem than others. At least we know that the skin is the last thing we worry about on other people. I just wish people "out there" had the same mindset.

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What if there wasn't a connection? You said they didn't look too surprised. In my opinion, talking on the phone and talking in person is totally different. Maybe she had second thoughts about what she wanted, and for whatever reason, that didn't involve you. It's nothing to be ashamed about.

Sorry, but did you think dating was easy? :D Of course you did everything right. There will be a woman that thinks you're great. You won't meet her unless you keep taking chances. By the way, do you have any guy friends you can go to the club with? Having support helps ease the pressure. I'm not sure what you're looking for in a woman, but a women with the qualities you're looking for can be found anywhere. Quiet confidence is what you should have. Presence isn't such a bad thing.

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omg! hey im going through the same thing. lol. i met a guy online(im a guy too) a few weeks ago. almost a month now. and it started as a friendship. i wasnt even looking for dating. funnily it was through an app on the iphone, i know how ridiculous. and i was just making fun of his taste in movies and music. it was just a friendly message and dating was the furthest thing, it was nowhere on my mind. then flash forward to today. we text all day long, saying whatever were doing. we talk every other day. we get along so well. were on aim every other day when we dont talk. i mean he has like become a routine in my life. and i really like him, he tells me the same thing. now heres the thing he doesnt know about my scars mainly. and like you i dont know what to do. so i would like ur advice since uve gone through meeting people from the webz already. what do u think i should do? he and i agree that we want to meet each other, good thing is he doesnt rush it or anything, so im always like soon men. but im really nervous about it. what do you guys think i should do? should i meet him. im scared that we may loose what we have going. cause its something special.lol. i know sounds silly but so true. were on the same page as far as i can tell. lol.

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hate to say something like "it's not your scars, it's you" but hey, maybe it's that they feel you're uncomfortable, and maybe you are because of the scars, and that sense of uncomfortableness is making them feel awkward to be there, and they don't even know why you're acting that way.

I have a friend on another message board who is pretty popular there, and she was accused by a user she met in real life of photoshopping acne out of her pics. Understandably her response was, "I'm not going to put pictures on myspace where I just woke up unshowered looking like shit." It's hard to define the difference between "honest pictures" and good days/good lighting/good photography.

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hey if the girls dont want to date you because of your looks, what does that say about them and this shallow quality will work against them in the long term...somehow...im not sure how :)

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I had to laugh for a few about the words acne and online dating being in the same sentence. Just cause. ^_^

Honestly, people are complicated creatures and dating is one of the most complicated (albiet one of the most rewarding) parts of life. I don't 'date' in the traditional sense. I'm only interested in a relationship, and well, I'm a peculiar egg, that's for sure.

I know I had acne, and still have it to an extent, but I have never cast aside someone because of acne, or found someone unattractive. The qualities I find attractive don't age. Yes, physical attractiveness has to be there, but just mutually, doesn't mean you need a supermodel or that you yourself need to be a Calvin Klein underwear model.

If you want to find that person, you will. Just have patience and faith that it will happen. Keep actively searching, you'll come upon her when you least expect it. =)

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Well, I have another date next week with someone new. She hasn't seen my "bad" photos yet. Maybe I should just tell her that i'm butt ugly in person?! That way, she won't have too much expectations to begin with. But that kinda shows that Im not confident with myself, so I don't wanna do that either.

Any suggestions?

I am trying mix it up a bit because I dont want it to end up like last time. I am thinking about telling her that we should just hang out as oppose to go on a date. Just keep it casual so that it's not too formal and we can still be friends even if it doesn't work out? That's my current solution. That could buy me some time to allow her to know more about me, and she could see really who I am skin-deep.

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Well, I have another date next week with someone new. She hasn't seen my "bad" photos yet. Maybe I should just tell her that i'm butt ugly in person?! That way, she won't have too much expectations to begin with. But that kinda shows that Im not confident with myself, so I don't wanna do that either.

Any suggestions?

I am trying mix it up a bit because I dont want it to end up like last time. I am thinking about telling her that we should just hang out as oppose to go on a date. Just keep it casual so that it's not too formal and we can still be friends even if it doesn't work out? That's my current solution. That could buy me some time to allow her to know more about me, and she could see really who I am skin-deep.

Let me tell u abit of my life and girls and whole dating thing (neva actually went on interent dating)... I started having acne since I was 16 (18 now) it got worse but I got no scars or anything like that, only mild acne on my face (not forehad) You might say Oh its easy for me to give u advice... but just like u I had and still have bad days where im abit depresed about my face... I looked at girls which i found hot and when they looked back I sort of looked diff way... yes yes we all had that... but let me tell u that if the girl likes u. she will like u for who u are, she wont care how u look, if u have acne on ur face or ass or anywhere. She will just want to be around with u. Sorry got carried away with this love crap here.... lol.... now back to that, I went to every single party we had, didnt care about my face, neva stood in the corner, always was on top :D now that iam 18, clubs and city is my passion... i go out every weekend with friends... and NEVER had problem with girls, atm I have gf, she doesnt care about my acne... she just cares about ME as a person... So my advice to u is dont stress too much, or if u really concernd like u cant even sleep... tell her that.... if she can take it, then YAY for u... if she cant, then too bad... she just missed a great catch, like they say there is always someone else.... WORST CASE scenario... use make up... but dont... firstly ur a guy... secondly... just dont do it... BEEEEE ur self and just enjoy urself! Dont be hard on urself too... as that can destroy ur self esteem.... other than that smile alot when u with her and mix it with few jokes (smart ones) not like those 3yr old ones... =.=

Hope this helps XD sorry for too many retarted words and comments :S

P.S. Lol i really cant c how u can be friends with a girl u like.... never works with me atleast...

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my dad has acne scarring and he doesnt even care !!! people still love him regardless of that and nobody even notices i think. if you only have acne scarring//no hyper pigmentation go out and live your life as if you had flawless skin :) have funn and enjoy yourself. :)

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my dad has acne scarring and he doesnt even care !!! people still love him regardless of that and nobody even notices i think.

My dad too. He has acne scarring, but women still love his smile and charm. Give it a shot, John Dear. Even the best looking guys are going to face rejection at some point.

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Yep yep, time to face reality. =D

I just need to change my mentality. I have to stop thinking that not everybody is going to like you no matter how you look. They have their own issues and come from different background. Next time I am going on a date, I'm gonna be myself, not look too desperate, and try to be more casual. I dont wanna even call it a date. I wanna just hang out and watch a movie. Yea yea, people say watching a movie on the first meeting is bad because you don't get to talk to her as much. But I am not doing the whole dinner+dessert thing anymore after a couple failures. Time to change it up a bit.

Any ideas for first casual date/meeting?

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Hi John,

Good topic to bring up...I was wondering if anybody had actually posted this!

Let me share my thoughts from talking to fellow online daters, message boards, friends and personal experience:

I don't know how severe your acne scars are and how old you are, but I'm almost willing to bet money that if you fall into the 'average/mild scars', they will NOT matter to your matches.

First let's air out the bad news first:

Through my own experiences, many people go into online dating with the online 'shopping' mentality. Many of these people (women in my case) were much less forgiving when it comes to reviewing you as a person. After all, when you pay certain amount of money per month, you expect some 'quality' right?

As far as physical part I learn that women pay attention to these:

1. Height is important to many of them (some denied this, some more politically correct, some were more honest)...I'd say it's number one physical characteristic that they constantly talk about. Some 5'3" women would like to pick guys over 6' because they like to wear heels and still feel that the guys would be taller than them and they are very rigid with this requirement..but this is an extreme case.

2. Good Hygiene (no this is NOT my personal problem :ninja::snooty: LOL), nothing would turn a woman off more than your lack of hygiene...of course you should take care of yourself regardless whether you're on a date or what.

3. Good teeth. Many would be ok with natural 'crowding' or just less than 'perfectly lined up' pearly white teeth...but at the very least yours should be free of stain, and have full set of teeth (which should go along with fresh breath).

4. Weight. Women like guys who take care of themselves (but not showing it off by putting shirtless photos on your profile....again this is not something I've done personally lol :ninja:). Women would turn their heads more if you have a fit physique more than a great skin with a beer gut. Plus, I've had a few women say they want a 'man' not a 'pretty boy' who has better skin than they do.

I'm pretty sure that these four things are much more important to them rather than your acne scars....the topic of acne almost NEVER been brought up by anybody that I know....

My suggestion to you is that as you continue to work on your skin issues (all of us do), look for other things that may hinder your success...do you have a great sense of humor (not self-proclaimed, but have people found you funny and interesting?) do you carry conversation well? Do you have a diverse set of hobbies? What were your dating mannerism? Were you nervous? (trust me they're as nervous as you are...just relax). Do you have good dating etiquette? (punctual, etc...and email the day after to thank her for the great time you had, etc) Do you have a decent career, education, etc...good women will focus more on these things rather than counting your scars and your red mark (within reason of course- they still have to be attracted to you regardless).

EVEN after you check the boxes on those things, your date may still disappear on you for no reason...and sometimes they're looking for certain 'things' that only they know that you're not aware of..or beyond your control (their own issues, etc...personal incompatibility, unfamiliarity with other cultures, etc...). Whatever that is...majority of the time it's hardly acne scar related. You'd be surprised how many women would be very forgiving when it comes to a few indented scars on your cheek, but they will write you off because you are five minutes late to your date and forgot to call. Etiquette and other things matter more than your scars. Then again you will always come across superficial and picky people no matter what...and to those people, you are not really losing much anyway.

Of course your experience maybe different than mine...dating in your teens, 20s, 30s have its own challenges and different sets of issues.

Hope this helps!

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