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Acne has affected me to a substantial degree, both negatively and beneficially. I can remember a time long before acne--or before any traumatizing event at that--when I was young, was ignorant of most detriments, and was, for the most part, bliss; before I knew what despondency or hatred meant or felt like. I enjoyed living life as a normal young person should. But now all of that has changed, most of it being directly catalyzed by a chain of traumatizing events, with acne being the terminal of them all.

The burden that acne put in my life has indirectly strengthened my determination and desire to achieve nearly tenfold. The misery it's brought me has invoked the deepest rage, an anger which I've used ardently to further my professional life, and thus, my work ethic. I study and work harder than I could ever have imagined. My aspirations of being a mere subpar worker has been abandoned completely, for I now have my sights set on medical school. I've changed my majors and have been excelling in all of my classes.

Acne has also narrowed my vision and has molded me into a "workaholic." Nothing else matters to me anymore, with exception to work and education, and the hobbies which I once enjoyed (ie. fishing, watching television, playing video games, etc.) I just cannot stand any longer. I now enjoy enduring intense challenges, and I've noticed that this staves off any lingering remnants of hopelessness while at the same time keeping my anger, and thus my determination, intact. I love pain.

However, the hatred that anger has ensued in me is questionable. I can no longer stand being around or being affiliated with most people. They push me to the point of murderous rage, at which point I have to excuse myself to a secluded area in order to vent. Someone can just say something snide and I will fly off the handle. I can feel my body tense up and thoughts of killing and macabre will flood my mind. All conscious and rationale will leave me at a blink of an eye, at which point I will leave and shut myself away; and there, alone, at that one instance, I'll start smashing objects and throwing things, lusting over the thought of murdering him or her in cold blood, or seeing myself covered in his or her blood. Sometimes these thoughts are out of control and I may begin stabbing myself with sharp objects or smashing my head/hands against walls.

Once I'm done, I'll quickly snap back into reality and I'll be okay. Just like that, it'll all be dead and done, and then I'll be able to continue doing whatever it was that I was doing--as if it never happened. No body, except myself, would know what had happened for it was all done behind closed doors. Yet even I'd scarcely realize that I had done it myself. It's almost as if it never happened; it's almost as if I had become something else for that one instance. This realization scares me.

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I'm glad you chose med school so that you gain vast knowledge of health and can take care of yourself in case you hurt yourself very badly. What I don't quite understand is how you thought you would manage to work in hospitals, 'cause from personal experience I can say most of the people there, especially the staff, are just like the people you so deeply hate.

You say you feel scared of those moments of intense rage and thoughts behind closed doors... if you have fear, doesn't it mean that deep inside you protest against it, deep inside you don't want to be like that? Correct me if I'm wrong. You know you can always change things, just like you have changed immensely enough to become the person you are right now you can change and become something else, if you want to.

I know rage is the one thing keeping you alive and you thrive in it, but please don't forget or abandon other feelings like compassion, goodness, love, etc. even though they hurt you too so badly. Please take care of yourself, sweety.

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what exactly would somebody have to say to provoke the rage you get? Honestly i thinki you should get some help because one day you might snap on someone and regret it. I have a temper myself and ill say and do things in the heat of the moment but later regret what i did.

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Yes,I would try to get some help if I were you. There are medications that can sedate your anger or beta blockers to make it subside.

Having lots of testosterone can cause alot of rage AND acne.Perhaps you should get your testosterone levels checked.Your whole problem could be a hormonal one.

We have all felt anger and depression over acne.There have been times I didnt leave my house for months.

Just dont give up.There is an answer out there for you,you just have to keep looking.Everyone is different and sometimes it takes trying many things before you find something that works.

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I relate to all of this, minus the "drive" part. I have no interest in being alive anymore, but I go on because I have no other choice.

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To the above poster, I'm sort of like you but we see things differently. You say "i have no interest in being alive." By that I take it it to mean that you don't care anymore. I have also reached that point w respect to my skin. While not caring anymore seems to have made you depressed it has made me feel free and happy. I just don't care about my skin as much anymore. I think about it a lot less and I worry less often about what other people think of my appearance. Yes, I will continue working on my skin, but I'm moving on, I just don't care!!!!!!!

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