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Is anyone else currently experiencing a horrible, horrible week?

Trying to deal with my scarring is just sucking away every last inch of sanity I have left within me. I'm not able to leave the house because I cannot face going outside, haven't done any revision for upcoming exams or coursework because I'm in no fit mental state to concentrate on anything, and the depression and anxiety that I'm going through has manifested itself into an almost permanent itching and digging feeling under my skin because of the frustration, pent up anger and sadness and sheer boredom of feeling like I've been locked up in a cage for the past 9 or so years.

I unexpectedly came across some old pictures of me on facebook recently, which is part of the reason for this massive dip in my mood. Noticing that everyone else in the picture looks 'normal', whilst my own face looked so repulsive as to look almost deformed just about killed me inside and brought back every single bad feeling from around that time. I can't even say it was just down to my acne here, just my features in general. What a stupid thing to do, to be looking at facebook... but after feeling in a better mood recently I had decided to try and get back into contact with people I used to know. Needless to say, I don't really feel up to that now.

Dealing with bad skin is hard enough, but when you're otherwise a horror to look at anyway, it's almost unbearable to live with sometimes. I feel as though I am being obsessive and insane, not to mention shallow, by being so bothered by my appearance, especially when family members tell me I'm being ridiculous and look perfectly fine. But seeing myself in photographs or a mirror where the proof is there of how I look, it kills me inside to know that I'm not imagining things or blowing things out of proportion... I really do look completely different to the internal image I have of myself, even taking into account bad angles, lighting and so on.

Does anyone feel so strongly as I do that their external appearance is so in contrast to how they internally feel? I see myself in the mirror and it doesn't feel as though it should be me, it's like looking at a stranger or being trapped in someone else's body and unable to escape.

My depression is eating me away moreso as I get older. I quite literally feel like a prisoner inside my own body because I can't do or achieve the things I want to... physically I may be able to, but because of my current appearance it's too traumatic for me due to my non-existant self-confidence and self-esteem. I've been trudging along as best I can (going back to college in '07 and managing so far to not get kicked out because of poor attendance), but it's still seems not enough to hold my head above the water. I have a meeting with the principal at my college next week to discuss why my attendance is so low and, to put it bluntly, I'm not looking forward to trying to explain my situation. I can't imagine many people would find it easy to understand how a person can want to attend and learn but doesn't feel able to leave the house some days because they simply feel too ugly to show their face. The ups and downs of my mood are hard to cope with, too. When things are going slightly better it's almost a case of just waiting for the next blow to strike.

The only thing that keeps me going much of the time is the hope that one day there may be better treatments out there in the way of scar removal. It's the permanance of them that I find hard to cope with... I realise I will never have 'nice' skin, but any improvement would be of a great benefit to me.

Sorry for the depressing post, it's been a long time since I last posted one of my epic rants. Truth be told, skimming back through what I've written makes me feel as though I truly have lost the plot. Every once in a while it all gets too much, I guess, and I have a tremendous breakdown, today clearly being one of those days. :doubt:

Hope everyone else is doing a little better.

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One day.

One day I'll overcome my insecurities. One day my life will be restored to the previous state. One day the perfect life that I've envisioned will come true. The mind is a con artist. It nourishes your fear with a false image of the future. It sells the belief that your ending will be an effortless grind. What you're experiencing right now is life in all of its totality. I think you've only come to know one side of you. You're in the presence of unfamiliar company, and that's yourself.

Share these feelings with your college principal. Maybe it won't pass as an admissible excuse, but it does bring some awareness to him. He might use leniency and human judgment in your case. Being honest with people is great. It's the ultimate sign of respect.

I understand that you are craving acceptance. The only person you're looking to impress is yourself. Did you ever think of that? Nobody else is asking for change. Your family says you look perfectly fine. I would never lie to a loved one, so maybe they're telling the truth.

This is a well-written rant, and I'm excited that you chose to share it. Truth be told, I love reading posts like this. Gives me a little more insight. I'm looking forward to hearing about your success in the future. You're too intelligent and bright to keep sitting life out.

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Does anyone feel so strongly as I do that their external appearance is so in contrast to how they internally feel? I see myself in the mirror and it doesn't feel as though it should be me, it's like looking at a stranger or being trapped in someone else's body and unable to escape.

Ugh, I seriously know exactly how you feel.

I really like your ranting too, it's nice to not feel so.. alone.

Oh, and about the facebook thing.. I don't even let people take my picture. I won't take pictures with people unless I take the picture with my own camera so that when I upload them, I can edit my face. x_x

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Girl, I know what you are talking about.

Although I had acne, I was comfortable in my skin a few months ago. Then I had a major break out and I have been consistently getting pimples in areas that were clear before. I tried a whole bunch of medications to fix the issue, but it only made matters worse. These 4 months have made me aware of just how bad my skin is - and even worse, how bad my skin will be. With each pimple I get, it leaves a new blemish on my face that probably won't fade. I feel like my face undergoing a slow demise, until one day, I'll be covered in blemishes.

I've tried a bunch of oral medications and topicals creams, but they haven't worked. They only made my skin extremely dry and even worse to look at. When I stopped the meds, my face improved slightly, but I still think I'm unsightly. Right now, I'm not using anything on my face - I'm still getting pimples, so I might give meds another shot. Ideally, I kind of (unsure though) want accutane, as it seems like the 'cure' - but none of my dermatologists will prescribe it to me.

So over the last few months, my face has changed drastically- and along with it, my personality has undergone a makeover as well. I was never a cocky person, but I was comfortable with who I was and how I looked. I enjoyed fixing myself up and making myself presentable. Now, I think I'm hideous and I don't care much about presentation. I can't look people in the face - even my friends, because I'm afraid they are making mental notes about my acne and scars. I look at my future, and I don't see myself doing the things I used to love to do. I loved going out, meeting new people, flirting - but all of that seems impossible.

I have lost focus on life. My skin has become my main priority. I want nothing more than to rid my face of these peoples and have time heal the scars/ blemishes.

As for facebook, I try not to go on that site anymore - I don't look at people's photographs because I know it'll be hard for me to do all the things my friends do - parties, meeting people, blah blah. At least, I can't do those things with the same confidence I once had.

Is anyone else currently experiencing a horrible, horrible week?

Trying to deal with my scarring is just sucking away every last inch of sanity I have left within me. I'm not able to leave the house because I cannot face going outside, haven't done any revision for upcoming exams or coursework because I'm in no fit mental state to concentrate on anything, and the depression and anxiety that I'm going through has manifested itself into an almost permanent itching and digging feeling under my skin because of the frustration, pent up anger and sadness and sheer boredom of feeling like I've been locked up in a cage for the past 9 or so years.

I unexpectedly came across some old pictures of me on facebook recently, which is part of the reason for this massive dip in my mood. Noticing that everyone else in the picture looks 'normal', whilst my own face looked so repulsive as to look almost deformed just about killed me inside and brought back every single bad feeling from around that time. I can't even say it was just down to my acne here, just my features in general. What a stupid thing to do, to be looking at facebook... but after feeling in a better mood recently I had decided to try and get back into contact with people I used to know. Needless to say, I don't really feel up to that now.

Dealing with bad skin is hard enough, but when you're otherwise a horror to look at anyway, it's almost unbearable to live with sometimes. I feel as though I am being obsessive and insane, not to mention shallow, by being so bothered by my appearance, especially when family members tell me I'm being ridiculous and look perfectly fine. But seeing myself in photographs or a mirror where the proof is there of how I look, it kills me inside to know that I'm not imagining things or blowing things out of proportion... I really do look completely different to the internal image I have of myself, even taking into account bad angles, lighting and so on.

Does anyone feel so strongly as I do that their external appearance is so in contrast to how they internally feel? I see myself in the mirror and it doesn't feel as though it should be me, it's like looking at a stranger or being trapped in someone else's body and unable to escape.

My depression is eating me away moreso as I get older. I quite literally feel like a prisoner inside my own body because I can't do or achieve the things I want to... physically I may be able to, but because of my current appearance it's too traumatic for me due to my non-existant self-confidence and self-esteem. I've been trudging along as best I can (going back to college in '07 and managing so far to not get kicked out because of poor attendance), but it's still seems not enough to hold my head above the water. I have a meeting with the principal at my college next week to discuss why my attendance is so low and, to put it bluntly, I'm not looking forward to trying to explain my situation. I can't imagine many people would find it easy to understand how a person can want to attend and learn but doesn't feel able to leave the house some days because they simply feel too ugly to show their face. The ups and downs of my mood are hard to cope with, too. When things are going slightly better it's almost a case of just waiting for the next blow to strike.

The only thing that keeps me going much of the time is the hope that one day there may be better treatments out there in the way of scar removal. It's the permanance of them that I find hard to cope with... I realise I will never have 'nice' skin, but any improvement would be of a great benefit to me.

Sorry for the depressing post, it's been a long time since I last posted one of my epic rants. Truth be told, skimming back through what I've written makes me feel as though I truly have lost the plot. Every once in a while it all gets too much, I guess, and I have a tremendous breakdown, today clearly being one of those days. :doubt:

Hope everyone else is doing a little better.

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