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Who have I become?

The person I see every night in my bathroom mirror, smudged mascara running out the corners of my eyes and the muscles around my mouth twitching because I've been fake smiling too much today, is not who I dreamed of being when I was a kid.

I'm a pushover, the kind of super-duper-nice girl that nobody could mock without feeling like they've just earned themselves a place in the lowest level of hell--and that's the idea.

If I please everybody, laugh at everyone's unfunny jokes at school, they won't insult me about my face, my skin, and my body. All I'll ever get is pity (and really stupid advice).

I don't have friends. Super nice people don't have friends. Fake people don't have friends. But at least I won't have enemies, I remind myself.

At night though, when I stare at the sink covered in dozens of cleansers, moisterizers, homemade masks, acids, and exfoliants, I feel like Frankenstein who built a monster he couldn't control, and in the end it ruined his life.

Acne isn't the monster. I am. This fake personality I put on , like the products I slobber on my face every morning, is the monster. Every once in a while I ask, 'what the hell am I doing? Stop trying to be perfect all the time. Who cares what they say or do to you?'

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't remember who the real me is. I don't remember how to be a friend to anybody. I forgot how to be human. All I am is fake.

I'm sorry, that was a little too intense. I just needed to vent about this...

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Firstly, here's a hug :comfort:

Secondly, putting on make up doesnt make you a monster. Your not hiding the real you, its like wearing a pair of ear rings or any other accessory it something that gives you that extra bit of confidence so that you can feel comfortable in your every day environment. There's nothing wrong with that so don't beat yourself up about it.

Thirdly, im sure the people your referring to do consider you a friend. Im sure if they didn't they wouldn't spend time with you or include you in their jokes in the first place. I understand your feeling fake because your having to force yourself to interact with them because you maybe feel you have to act in a particular way to gain their friendship. Maybe you should try and lower your barriers and just try to be more natural around them to try and reduce your feelings of isolation. I kow that wont be easy but take it slow, the sooner you feel comfortable around your friends the sooner your stop feeling like a fake. I hope you feel better son.

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Your honesty in this post tells me you are not a fake. You have a heartfelt way of writing that I admire. Chin up! I think you will eventually realize that we are all struggling to find consistency between our actions and our heart. Sometimes the dissonance is what makes us human, it doesn't make us any less of a genuine person. I put it to you, that whenever you feel like you are playing tug-o-war between your heart and your actions, you are more human than ever, for that is a struggle we all face.

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Come on girl, dont be so tough with yourself. Btw, aint for nothin but almost every women is fake then :think: , they use tons of make up, tall shoes, plastic boobs, hair extensions...etc. Yet we still love them :wub:

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i completely, completely, completely understand. ive felt like this so much :[

and on the not having any friends thing. you probably do though, even if you dont realise it. people like you because you're nice. i have great admiration for people who can be nice to everybody all the time. i sure as hell can't. you're acne is the last thing on their minds.

and yeah it's good to be intense. you need to let these feelings out somewhere and here's the place to do it so good job :] lol.

wearing make up and trying everything you can to heal your acne doesn't make you fake, i actually think its actually completely unrelated...maybe you feel like you're not really yourself right now, which is understandable being so stressed about acne and everything that comes with it, so maybe that's making you feel like you're fake, but you're really not.

i hope you feel better soon

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Everyone has a public persona and a private one. There are almost no persons in the world who are exactly the same in both environments. That's normal.

Don't beat yourself up, please. There is nothing at all fake about your post and your honest emotion. There's nothing wrong with wearing makeup if it makes you feel you can face the world a little bit better with makeup on.

Being 'nice' is all well and good, but being a doormat won't do a darn thing for your self-esteem! Try to figure out if you're 'too nice' and thus a doormat, or if you're just 'this side of stand up for yourself nice' which is far more self-protective than allowing someone to walk all over you.

If you are indeed 'too nice' please try your hardest to learn how to stand up for yourself. You will be amazed at the boost your self-esteem takes just from your first step you take towards standing up for yourself. :)

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