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Andy Gray

Losing interest in everything

I guess the most apt description for my situation would be "Stuck in a rut" and as we all know the solution is to get out of it, simple! Caution for anyone who reads all this, it's long and very gay, in fact it's the perfect example of tl;dr.

Over the last few weeks i've noticed changes in almost everything I do, I used to be very cautious with my skin and made it my priority to take care of it the best I can, anything less or half arsed usually resulted in a break out. Well, now i'm pretty certain my mind has just told me "Fuck it, it's not worth it, it won't make a difference..." I managed to get myself clear after finishing an Accutane course at 15, and since then i've just been trying to maintain my sort of ok looking skin, unfortunately my skin has been completely raped over the years and i'm left with skin like a 45 year old, some days it looks better and some days it looks worse, invariably it returns back to normal and leaves me with that nagging feeling of "WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT FROM ME!!?"

Even after almost 10 years of battling against my fucking skin I still have to do the same shit I did when I was a teenager, i'm 21 now and beginning to think it's all a giant piss take, I half expect Jeremy Beadle to rise out of his grave and tell me it's all been an elaborate prank sometimes, ahh such a notion.

So yeah, after all this time, i've basically given up on trying to make myself look attractive - not just in regards to skin either, i've let myself go in every way possible!

I don't colour my hair anymore, I barely bother washing my face or showering (actually I think last time I had a shower was last week some time, nice eh?) i've gained a stone in weight (14ibs, or 12ibs, I can't remember, i've lost brain cells left right and center recently) I stopped making any effort whatsoever to make myself look attractive because it's all pointless, underneath it all, i'm just ugly. Plain and simple.

It's not just the physical side of me either that's in a steady decline, my personality is pretty shit now too. I've stopped talking to ALOT of people (maybe about 30 or so) simply because I don't care about them anymore, i'm sure they don't care too much about me either but they all kick up a fuss if I don't reply to their messages or if I do the unthinkinkable and delete them off Facebook (THE ULTIMATE INSULT!!!1). I find most people boring, stupid, vain and selfish, i'm even starting to resent my friends now (some of which i've had for about 10 years now) as I can see now that so much of their life has been total bullshit and to be honest, I pity them.

I don't really socialise anymore, I used to go out 3-4 times a week to a club or some shit like that, I think the last time I went out was Christmas Eve, and the time before that was probably around November. I stopped going regularly out once I met my girlfriend as it would always end in the same way (she would throw a strop if I was anywhere near another girl, shout at me, cry, apologise, repeat). I used to enjoy attention and now I hate it, I think maybe i've been conditioned this way by my girlfriend, sometimes I wonder if the person I see in pictures a year or so ago is really me at all.

I could continue writing this to clarify a few things and perhaps make it into a remotely understandable post, but I can't be bothered (apathy) I don't even care if this makes sense or not now, none of you will be able to tell me anything I don't already know, I don't even know why I wrote this. Maybe i'm lonely or crazy, or both.

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I think that Nike gave a really good reply to your post. You did state that the solution is to get out of it. That is a wonderful step, that you realize you are in a darkening place of apathy.

Thankfully, apathy is difficult to change, but not impossible. Find something, an activity, a hobby, that you are interested in. Have you ever thought something would be wonderful to try, but never did? Take a chance, experience it, you never know what could happen.

As for your friends...don't pity them. You may see their life as a waste, but if they do not, then it is not your place to judge or concern yourself with that. Now, if what they are doing is harmful to themselves or others, make your opinion known. Also...I know it's hard to reconnect with friends, but give it a chance? If they have been in your life for ten years, maybe give them another chance? If you really don't want to, reach out to new people?

I wish you the best of luck, because you really only have one life...don't waste it.

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I wish you very well and recovery from the issues you're currently going through.

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