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So for a time, I thought I had completely beat acne. I was running, quit smoking, eating health, no gluten, no wheat, no sugar, no processed foods, I took vitamins, had a good regimen and so on. When acne cleared up, I was left with red marks. As these marks faded, it left me with scars. These scars I know now that will go away. I’ve realized that when there is a red mark, its texture is a little different. Its harder tissue and sits at a lower level than the healthy skin around it. Anyways, I was so emotionally scarred from acne that I still felt all the ugliness without the acne. I got fraxel.

I spent $3,000 on 4 treatments, and things were looking well. Even so, I became completely obsessed with my face. No mater what it looks like, I want it to look better and better. I would occasionally catch my reflection on a car window and get this sick feeling. My face looked destroyed, it was red even without acne (more like a blush from fraxel). I noticed that the skin on my face didn’t match the skin on my neck or arms, and that made me really scared. Sometimes when I would walk to class I would wear huge sunglasses thinking they would cast a shadow on my face so my scars, or better yet uneven texture, could be less visible.

I have a class at noon where you have to walk through this hallway that has a glass wall on one side. The bluish white light would come in through that window and hit my face at just the right angle, or should I say wrong angle. As I approach the door at the end of the hallway I catch my reflection on a little glass part of the door. My face looks like shit.

As I enter the class I am still picturing my ugly face. This class is a lecture. The lights are off for the projection on the wall. Above the students heads we have little lights so that we can see our notes. Well, these lights I feel cast harsh shadows. I spent a lot of the time in that class looking around at other people and try to see their skin imperfections. I wonder what my face looks like under those harsh lights, and I can’t get my mind of it. I have no clue what the significance of studying the fucking Egyptians is. Did THEY have acne? I bet not. The pyramids prevented acne right?

So at that point, I didn’t have acne, just uneven texture, large pores... basically the skin of someone who has had acne recently and no one else can tell nor cares, but I cant get over it. I heard that doing chemical peels make the face appear smoother. I tried lactic acid when I read it was the mildest peel and that it stimulated collagen. Sweet. Ill do that. Also at the same time I ordered this from a website, I ordered a lot of other things (snail serum, emu oil, castor oil, tea tree oil, sulfur cream, zinc oxide cream, hydrocortisone cream, green tea mask, aloe very gelee, and probably more that I cant remember).

The stuff came in. I did a peel, and it was fine. 4 days later I tried another peel and put all of these creams together in hope that they would heal me right, and left it overnight. I woke up, scrubbed my face to get these things off and noticed that I had zits again. These zits though where huge, really inflamed ones. I don’t even know how to describe them. They are really deep in my skin, so how could it be clogged pores. Wouldn’t a cream clog a pore on the surface? I don’t know. I’m really confused. I also had an enema the night before. Could it be that the enema angered the bacteria in my intestines and planted acne on my face? Arrrg.

So this happened on.. Thursday. Oh I also went to the Panda Garden and had a Chinese buffet of really gross sugary foods. Afterwards, I got really tired and even depressed. I think it even made my acne more inflamed. Friday I came home to my parent’s house. Saturday was my birthday. I turned 22 and I had the worse day of my life. All I did was hang out with my family and ate ice cream and brownies. My friend Katie was working that day so I didn’t really have a reason to leave my house.

At night, I washed my face. BTW I wear make up on my zits even though I’m a male. After washing it my face looked really red and gross. Zits pulsing. I noticed that one red inflamed spot had three white heads. What the hell? I began to cry. My family didn’t seem to notice, but I wanted them to see. I feel really embarrassed about this part, but I was so hopeless, I felt I needed help. I thought about ways to die. I didn’t want to commit suicide because that would cause pain to my family. But really I just wanted to die. I started thinking of ways that I could end it, like a car accident or drounning. Oh by the way, its not that I wanted to die because of acne. The acne gave me a panic attack and I felt so low and so scared, I didn’t know what to do. If something as silly ad acne could make me feel so bad, there was no reason for me to live. I was damaged, inadequate as a human being, broken. Anyways, that’s what my mind was telling me.

My mom didn’t understand what was happening to me. In my family, you are not allowed to have problems. You just suck it up and be a man. So my mom told me I was making her angry and threatened me with committing me to a mental hospital. Threatened. That's right. Threatened. If someone commits me, I would think it would be to help me. Sort of like a gift, not a punishment for being mentally ill. That pissed me off.

I called my friend Katie. She was out of work by then. I told her I was afraid to be borderline suicidal and that my mom threatened me with... you know. She came over right away and we had a cigarette. ­­­ Katie thought that if I really wanted to, she would drive me to the hospital. I didn’t think it was necessary. I knew I was having a panic attack that would go away.

God, I don’t even want to keep writing as I feel like the panic never left. That happened last night, and although I’m not planning ways to die, I don’t really want to do anything. I have class tomorrow and I have to leave my parents house for my apartment. I don’t think ill be able to make it to class. Im more scared than ever.

Lately I've been skipping classes. I’ll get up on time and all, and stand by the door. Thought rush trough my mind so fast that I don’t even know where to begin to calm myself down. I get scared and freeze, or play dead like a possum. Then I curl in to a ball and go back to sleep.

There is something incredibly wrong with me, and I’m sick of friends and family telling me I'm fine. I am not. Did you hear? I repeat. I am not fine, and there is something wrong with me. I need help. :wall:

wow freaking long

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I know exactly how you feel. Everyone on this site goes through that to an extent, and your family trying to devalue your pain isn't helping anything. You need to talk to someone...... whether it be a professional, someone you know, or someone on here. Talk to me anytime you feel like it. You can message me on here or on AIM -JezbianLover. No matter how bad it feels right now, there's ALWAYS hope that it's going to get better. You never know what life is going to bring you. We're all here for you til then.

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oh my god. i completely completely feel you on that. i read alll of what you read. believe me. you are not alone. and it kills me havng to cover my face in makeup and looking at my other friends whose faces are clear and gorgeous. it sickens me. its a curse and it does become and obsession to some people. it has with me. i'm sick over it all. i dont know what advice to give but just know that you really arent alone at all. i'm 22. i'm right there with you. it actually all happened to me after i turned 22 as well- from clear- to boom.... non stop... just makes me break down and cry sometimes. i dont know why this happens to people. it's not fair. its really not fair. =(

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Guest missyjean130

If it's THAT severe and is making you THAT miserable then seriously-accutane.

And don't mix a bunch of products together, that's over doing it.

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I hate to use the typical response but if that's you in your avatar then you really don't have anything to worry about. I know we're not suppose to say that but it's true. I often see people on here with barely anything noticeable PLUS really good facial/body features who seem to be so down on themselves over a few big pores or whatever.

anyway, I'm not trying to be an asshole or tell you your problem isn't worth getting your feelings out about. I'm just saying a lot of the insecurity is often wayyy irrational and often the result of an impossibly high expectation of one's image (which you seem to be suggesting you have). Although I do the same kind of thing, probably not as bad but I still feel like a hypocrite :D

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dude I could've written this post. It's kind of odd, because my acne looks like yours. And some my facial features look like yours also. I also run to help me acne.

But man, we got to pick ourselves up! 21/22 is the prime of our lives. Damn it!

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Oh, and to the OP..... it's not letting me comment your pics for some reason, but even at what you consider your worst, you're pretty damn hot. Seriously. Acne's not the first thing I'd notice about you, and it definitely wouldn't stop me from thinking you're attractive. Sometimes when we've had acne for awhile and dwell on it, it messes with our perception, but you're a cutie :wub:

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dude don't let it control your life, do something you like

you like studying? reading? playing games? keep yourself busy for a while, maybe a month?

sometimes when I'm so busy with work I forget about acne, then I look myself in the mirror after a week and I just ignore it.

we have to be strong! specially at this age (I'm almost 22)

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I felt like that once, when my acne was at it's worse. It was like I couldn't breath and I was just really confused. I'm sorry you feel like that. The only thing that really helped me was just getting away for a few days and being alone. I just took a mini vacation from work/school/friends/family (yeah my family is "special" like yours). Now I have some red marks and use makeup to cover them. I feel really uncomfortable without my makeup,sometimes it's like I think I need it, to feel normal. So I understand why even though u are a guy you would wear it. I don't really know what to say, B/C I know what it feels like and I know that no matter what a random stranger says, well you kinda feel the same. I hope you can find a good way to deal with your panic attacks. I agree with a previous post, you probably shouldn't mix so many products. It's like making a bomb for your own skin. Good luck with your skin, I hope you feel better soon.

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The enema probably made you break out. You really gotta know what you're doing when you stick shit up your ass. No joke. Anyway, everything else you said I could relate to. Your parents just want you to be happy, and they get frustrated when they see that you're not. And haven't been. For a while. You need some kind of direction. If it's just the uneven texture and large pores that you're worried about, that can be fixed with peels. BUT, don't overdo it with all the shit you bought. You start breaking out you'll have no idea what's causing it.

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You're doing too many things to your skin! After a peel, your skin is very very sensitive and the last thing you want to do is apply some homemade concoction of acne treatments (most of which are drying & irritating enough alone, forget combining them all). You're not suppose to use anything on the skin besides a gentle facewash & moisturizer for several days after a peel....sometimes even several days before it. 2 peels in one week is also excessive. I would say this is likely the culprit of your current breakout.

I'm not sure why you did an enema and what effect it could have on the skin, but if it can have any effect then it's just one more thing in a pile of too many things you are doing to your skin at once.

Eating one bad meal is not going to break you out. If you're used to eating healthy, then junk food can make you a bit sluggish feeling, but it's not going to cause a large breakout.

Try and view your skin as your friend. It's an organ that protects your internal parts, gives sensation, & regulates temperature, among other things :D. If you stop seeing it as the enemy to be conquered, then you might deal better with the fact that it isn't & may never be "perfect". It seems to me you have a distorted view of your skin (which you admit, when saying you freak out over it even when it is clear by most people's standards), and of your appearance in general. You're a nice looking guy with great features, so try and keep your skin in perspective ;). You're not damaged or inadequate at all; everyone has flaws. Allow yourself to be flawed like the rest of us.

You feel you need help and are having suicidal feelings...it is great you acknowledge you need help & that these feelings need to be dealt with positively. This has gone beyond a skin disorder and is more an emotional issue for you now. If possible, seek some professional help. When you tell family members & friends these feelings, they can react angrily because they actually care so much it upsets them. A therapist is more removed from you, so they can give more calm & objective responses.

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Thanks Jesebel. I have a derm AND psychiatrist apointment today. oh and your second msg is too kind.

Thanks brokendoll. I really is not fair

missyjean 130. it really isn't that severe. Its more a self esteem thing... i think. Thats what im told anyways. Oh and I tried acutane for a week and it hurt all over. Im convinced not to use it.

Thanks Weegee, but you are gorgeous in YOUR avatar. Can I asume you're acne free?

John 1234, aka my twin brother? LOL. yeah. 21/22. We should be getting layed now.

AlexGF. That sounds nice. Im just so tired of distracting myself. It's like i have to get over the fact that I have acne everyday. I just have to ignore it, and then I catch a reflection. I can't help it. It makes me sick.

Blue Strawberry. You are just too cute. Thank you. Just knowing people are posting gives me hope. And also feel less lonely.

Thanks Shtfaced :D . I never thought I'd say (write) that. lol. yeah the enema...

Siouxsie. yeah. that sounds really nice. You're right. I only want to be perfect. I feel like I'm not allowed to be flawed. Thats insane though. Thanks.

Thank you all for posting. I'm going to get better. I know it. I just hit a rough spot and it hurts like hell. well... ill keep posting i guess. I hope I don't have to. cuz you know.

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I saw a new derm because i was looking for someone that could see me right away. I was expecting a cortisone shot or some immediate relief form this outbreak and she tried to give me antibiotics... ugh... I refused, and she refused to give me cortisone shots. lol

she also wrote me an RX for a foam wash and a leave on foam. They are super expensive and im not breaking out any more. It's just this set of zits that came all at once I have a problem with, so I'm just letting my face breathe for a while until it the inflammations calm down. Maybe put some sulfur or something, but thats it. I wont overdo it this time. promise.

Oh my psychiatric appointment is for this wed at 8pm. weird time no?

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8 pm?? yes that's quite random. hope you don't show up and it's just some dude sitting in his living room, looking for a chat lol.

jk i've heard of places that go that late. i've been looking for one around me but can't seem to find anything :(

let us know how it goes. good luck ;)

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Mental hospital is taking it a bit too far, heh, but you need professional help. It's not normal to react like that (except from on this forum, I guess). You most probably have other issues in your life depressing you, and your acne triggers and strengthens these emotions. There's no shame in getting help, and when your family and friends can't do that, find a psychiatrist.

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dude ive been to HORRIBLE extents....i cant figure out y its happening...or what really cures it for me

but the one thing out of everything ive done that TRULY CURES acne....is doing........

NOTHING.. yes absolutely nothing....it took about 5 days but after 5 days of nothing im sooo clear...i look back at old photos and just delete them....im puttin my past acne life beside and just forgetting about it completely... it came so close to ruining my life that i just am forgettin about it completely.

Nothing means NO pills, topical medications, excessive washing, or diet. The only thing i do is swim/excerise every other day about.....which could have healed it....but i figured my face gets to look like shit after the topicals are done working anyways....topicals seem to cause it later on too

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Mental hospital is taking it a bit too far, heh, but you need professional help. It's not normal to react like that (except from on this forum, I guess). You most probably have other issues in your life depressing you, and your acne triggers and strengthens these emotions. There's no shame in getting help, and when your family and friends can't do that, find a psychiatrist.

Yes, im sure there are lots of issues depressing me. Where do i start though?

8 pm?? yes that's quite random. hope you don't show up and it's just some dude sitting in his living room, looking for a chat lol.

jk i've heard of places that go that late. i've been looking for one around me but can't seem to find anything :(

let us know how it goes. good luck ;)

Im scared. It's in the weird part of town where you cant get reception. But oh well, maybe they can help.

Good advice ^

Seeing a therapist and psychiatrist gave me my life back.

That reminds me. Does anyone know who I should see? there are Psychiatrists (they presrcibe right? i dont want drugs) , Psychologists, therapist, shrink, counselor?

dude ive been to HORRIBLE extents....i cant figure out y its happening...or what really cures it for me

but the one thing out of everything ive done that TRULY CURES acne....is doing........

NOTHING.. yes absolutely nothing....it took about 5 days but after 5 days of nothing im sooo clear...i look back at old photos and just delete them....im puttin my past acne life beside and just forgetting about it completely... it came so close to ruining my life that i just am forgettin about it completely.

Nothing means NO pills, topical medications, excessive washing, or diet. The only thing i do is swim/excerise every other day about.....which could have healed it....but i figured my face gets to look like shit after the topicals are done working anyways....topicals seem to cause it later on too

Your regimen sounds pretty good. Are you still using proactive? Oh and I've been exercising too. I still don't go outside much, but.... IVE GOT DDR!

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yeah if you don't want meds then see a psychologist.... but any kind of counselor would probably do you good if you can't get in with an actual psychologist. when you call a place and tell them what issues you're gonna go for, they'll let you know whether or not they can help.

oh and i was just kidding about that 8 pm appt... i'm sure it's fine. if it's a legit place i wouldn't worry.

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Finnaly went to my psychologist. It went pretty good. There was no breakthrough or epiphany but just knowing Im getting counseling gave me so much hope. I felt great afterwards and the day after. I cant stop telling my friends and family how good it went. We only got to know each other a little bit, but Im really exited.

One funny thing: I asked him if he would eventually diagnose me with one or more disorders so that I could go to a support group with other depressed and self critical peoples like me. He said the diagnosis would come eventually but he had to diagnose me on our first meeting with something. He said something like "well right now I have to diagnose you... for..." he danced around the conclusion to his sentence a little, and I finished it for him by asking "insurance purposes?". We had a good laugh. He wrote me down with "adjustment disorder".

I also asked him how often i should see him. He said most patients go once a week, but some cant make it so they go once every other week. "I was thinking like 2 or 3 times a week" i told him. We had another laugh. So... Ive got another appointment on Mon and Wed at 8 and 9 pm. lol

So now Im wondering how much of my problem is the acne and how much of it is in my head. If I got rid of acne completely, would I still feel so damn ugly. Am I ashamed of myself because I have acne? Or is it because I am generally ashamed of myself that I purposely find flaws and make acne a problem. Really, I have no idea what other people think about my complexion. My brother says he cant see what I talk about when I point out all imperfections. "is everyone blind?" I feel its so damn important what others think of me, and I want to be pretty. weird.

anyways, i feel like this thread may no longer be appropriate for acne.org. I've been using this forum to get my feelings out. lol

thanks for being there. everyone. This is a pretty good support group.

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Finnaly went to my psychologist. It went pretty good. There was no breakthrough or epiphany but just knowing Im getting counseling gave me so much hope. I felt great afterwards and the day after. I cant stop telling my friends and family how good it went. We only got to know each other a little bit, but Im really exited.

One funny thing: I asked him if he would eventually diagnose me with one or more disorders so that I could go to a support group with other depressed and self critical peoples like me. He said the diagnosis would come eventually but he had to diagnose me on our first meeting with something. He said something like "well right now I have to diagnose you... for..." he danced around the conclusion to his sentence a little, and I finished it for him by asking "insurance purposes?". We had a good laugh. He wrote me down with "adjustment disorder".

I also asked him how often i should see him. He said most patients go once a week, but some cant make it so they go once every other week. "I was thinking like 2 or 3 times a week" i told him. We had another laugh. So... Ive got another appointment on Mon and Wed at 8 and 9 pm. lol

So now Im wondering how much of my problem is the acne and how much of it is in my head. If I got rid of acne completely, would I still feel so damn ugly. Am I ashamed of myself because I have acne? Or is it because I am generally ashamed of myself that I purposely find flaws and make acne a problem. Really, I have no idea what other people think about my complexion. My brother says he cant see what I talk about when I point out all imperfections. "is everyone blind?" I feel its so damn important what others think of me, and I want to be pretty. weird.

anyways, i feel like this thread may no longer be appropriate for acne.org. I've been using this forum to get my feelings out. lol

thanks for being there. everyone. This is a pretty good support group.

Few posts on this forum make me happy, but this one did. I'm almost proud of you for doing what most people on here never do - seeking help instead of drowning in self-pity. Getting rid of your acne won't really change you that much. Most people with acne don't realize that acne is far from their biggest problem, and they all think that getting rid of those red dots will change their lives completely. I did make me feel better and less self-concious to clear up, but I'm not walking around smiling 24/7. It's all about perception and mentality. Good luck.

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dude ive been to HORRIBLE extents....i cant figure out y its happening...or what really cures it for me

but the one thing out of everything ive done that TRULY CURES acne....is doing........

NOTHING.. yes absolutely nothing....it took about 5 days but after 5 days of nothing im sooo clear...i look back at old photos and just delete them....im puttin my past acne life beside and just forgetting about it completely... it came so close to ruining my life that i just am forgettin about it completely.

Nothing means NO pills, topical medications, excessive washing, or diet. The only thing i do is swim/excerise every other day about.....which could have healed it....but i figured my face gets to look like shit after the topicals are done working anyways....topicals seem to cause it later on too

sweet

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