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beany

off topic..help with boyfriend

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Hey guys..i know this board isnt for relationship advice. But I have been on acne.org for years and would just really like your advice on this. Thanks

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. He has been wonderful for most of the relationship. We would always go to movies, go on walks, have good talks, and just pay attention to each other and what the other one wanted.

However, eventually this started to change.

Example #1 We do "hang out" a lot, but we never do anything other then work when we are together (he runs his own business and the work is never ending). We do not live together so it is not like we see each other all the time. If he does not focus on work, he then either looks at cars or real estate on the internet. He has claimed that if i was interested in looking at cars or real estate then we would get along better. He is obsessed with money and is incapable of rejecting clients, which makes him unbelievably busy and unable to take even an evening off. I really feel as though he would pick a 5,000 contract over me...

"Watching a movie" is the only other activity we do when we are hanging out other than work...which means doing something sexual and then falling asleep because he works so hard during the day and has no energy afterwards.

Example #2 It seems that i just cannot get him to laugh any more He used to laugh all the time. I really notice how little he laughs around me when we are out with other people. His brothers and friends make him laugh so easily. I do not know why i cant. He is so happy and has such a good time whenever anybody else is around. I do not know what im doing wrong.

Example #3 I absolutely love to give gifts...no matter what the occasion. However, i started to find the gifts either broken, lost or just tossed anywhere into a pile of junk (gifts worth hundreds of dollars). I know that he doesnt mean anything by it...but it still hurts my feelings.

Example #4-I feel as though i try to talk to him about this ALL the time and he just doesnt GET IT....or he just doesnt care enough to give a crap. The other day i told him i was unhappy in the relationship (as i started crying), and he just looked at me blankly and stated "hmm Lydia on johnston street needs her house done this week". I just couldnt believe that i had told him i was unhappy in the relationship and the first thing he says is something about a client....i just dont know what to do.

It doesnt seem as though he ever wants to be around me...other then when he feels he has made me sad and wants to make up for it. Its always me making the plans, and me trying to make him happy, i just want him to want to be with me.

I know he loves me but it seems as though he doesnt want to give me any effort. 'Its always me setting up the plans and me trying to work on our relationship and make it better. It doesnt seem like he has the desire to make sure we are both happy. I love him so much and i would do anything for him I just wish I could get him to treat me the same.

What should I do? Sorry if this is a little bit confusing.

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Hey guys..i know this board isnt for relationship advice. But I have been on acne.org for years and would just really like your advice on this. Thanks

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. He has been wonderful for most of the relationship. We would always go to movies, go on walks, have good talks, and just pay attention to each other and what the other one wanted.

However, eventually this started to change.

Example #1 We do "hang out" a lot, but we never do anything other then work when we are together (he runs his own business and the work is never ending). We do not live together so it is not like we see each other all the time. If he does not focus on work, he then either looks at cars or real estate on the internet. He has claimed that if i was interested in looking at cars or real estate then we would get along better. He is obsessed with money and is incapable of rejecting clients, which makes him unbelievably busy and unable to take even an evening off. I really feel as though he would pick a 5,000 contract over me...

"Watching a movie" is the only other activity we do when we are hanging out other than work...which means doing something sexual and then falling asleep because he works so hard during the day and has no energy afterwards.

Example #2 It seems that i just cannot get him to laugh any more He used to laugh all the time. I really notice how little he laughs around me when we are out with other people. His brothers and friends make him laugh so easily. I do not know why i cant. He is so happy and has such a good time whenever anybody else is around. I do not know what im doing wrong.

Example #3 I absolutely love to give gifts...no matter what the occasion. However, i started to find the gifts either broken, lost or just tossed anywhere into a pile of junk (gifts worth hundreds of dollars). I know that he doesnt mean anything by it...but it still hurts my feelings.

Example #4-I feel as though i try to talk to him about this ALL the time and he just doesnt GET IT....or he just doesnt care enough to give a crap. The other day i told him i was unhappy in the relationship (as i started crying), and he just looked at me blankly and stated "hmm Lydia on johnston street needs her house done this week". I just couldnt believe that i had told him i was unhappy in the relationship and the first thing he says is something about a client....i just dont know what to do.

It doesnt seem as though he ever wants to be around me...other then when he feels he has made me sad and wants to make up for it. Its always me making the plans, and me trying to make him happy, i just want him to want to be with me.

I know he loves me but it seems as though he doesnt want to give me any effort. 'Its always me setting up the plans and me trying to work on our relationship and make it better. It doesnt seem like he has the desire to make sure we are both happy. I love him so much and i would do anything for him I just wish I could get him to treat me the same.

What should I do? Sorry if this is a little bit confusing.

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Girl... get busy on your own. if he doesn't notice you're missing then you're lucky you're already busy having fun with your friends/doing things you want to do/ etc. Life is to short to hang around someone nagging them or bugging them.

People are going to do what they want to do... at this point what he wants to do may not revolve around you anymore...

Or he's taking advantage of the fact that he knows you'll be there... you'll show him, though, when you're out and about doing all the fun things you want to do and you're nowhere to be found.

Think about it...

gotta keep living... do what you want. It sounds like he is.

I'm not trying to be harsh... listen I was in a very similar situation in my past and now I realize how dumb I was. I put all the effort in and always tried to arrange things and plan... he just wasn't into it... who cares... time to move on. And I did... I moved on and I'm in a better place... yay.

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wel i mean its not like this all the time. Its like it goes in spurts...he will totally ignore me and work constantly for a few months...and then he will go back to being an actual boyfriend...and then a couple months later he goes back to the workaholic. I dont really get it.

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The point is, though, is you should be busy enough all the time so that it wont' be so noticeable when he's really busy. You need to keep yourself busy.

Then maybe he'll start seeking you out!! :D

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Girl... get busy on your own. if he doesn't notice you're missing then you're lucky you're already busy having fun with your friends/doing things you want to do/ etc. Life is to short to hang around someone nagging them or bugging them.

People are going to do what they want to do... at this point what he wants to do may not revolve around you anymore...

Or he's taking advantage of the fact that he knows you'll be there... you'll show him, though, when you're out and about doing all the fun things you want to do and you're nowhere to be found.

Think about it...

gotta keep living... do what you want. It sounds like he is.

I'm not trying to be harsh... listen I was in a very similar situation in my past and now I realize how dumb I was. I put all the effort in and always tried to arrange things and plan... he just wasn't into it... who cares... time to move on. And I did... I moved on and I'm in a better place... yay.

Yea i think i will do that. but how can i just make him...work less and not be so money driven all the time?...and make him care about us? I guess i cant really change him. argh.

The point is, though, is you should be busy enough all the time so that it wont' be so noticeable when he's really busy. You need to keep yourself busy.

Then maybe he'll start seeking you out!! :D

i totally see what your saying..its just...after 3 years...he says he loves me..so wouldnt he want to spend time with me just because he likes to?...without it becoming a chase? lol.

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The other day i told him i was unhappy in the relationship (as i started crying), and he just looked at me blankly and stated "hmm Lydia on johnston street needs her house done this week".

whaaaat?

fuck this guy. find someone better, you deserve it.

especially the gift giving, shows you're a really wonderful person.

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but i cant just end it...i love him. i know he loves me too he just...doesnt show it always lol. does anybody know how i could just get him to care about me again? do you guys think that the way hes acting just means hes not that into me anymore and i should just give it up? i dont know im just so sad and confused about the whole thing.

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well 3 years really is a long time to be dating to just break up...but from the way he is acting I would most probably do it epecially because you tried to talk to him about something going wrong in your relationship and he blatantly ignored you. How long has he been like this?

Or, maybe he's super stressed from work, etc. recently or something, you could try asking him what is wrong with him as well/maybe he's going through a hard time or something and maybe you'll feel better knowing at the moment it's him and not you and eventually the relationship will get back to normal.

OR you could go lingere shopping and buy some super hot outfit and surprise him :lol:

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OR you could go lingere shopping and buy some super hot outfit and surprise him :lol:

lol if only that would work...hed be more interested in his laptop.

ummm hes been like this for about a month. but it has happened before. and then as soon as he thinks hes losing me he starts paying attention to me a bit more. but i dont understand why it has to get ot the point of losing me for him to show a little bit of interest in me again...

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If the lingere doesn't work and his laptop is more important, he is a sucky bf. You could always try...uhm I probably shouldn't continue, not appropriate to write :lol:

But really, it sounds like he is being completely selfish, not really caring about your needs and putting his career above his personal life. His priorities seem kind of messed up. I mean you don't deserve to be ignored, having to feel unwanted in a relationship but it would also be very difficult to break up with him after 3 years knowing it might be a phase. it's a toughie :eh: . it would probably be good, though, if you could communicate with him letting him know exactly how you feel.

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wel i mean its not like this all the time. Its like it goes in spurts...he will totally ignore me and work constantly for a few months...and then he will go back to being an actual boyfriend...and then a couple months later he goes back to the workaholic. I dont really get it.

So is that what you think you are worth then? Only being listened to for half the time or whatever? The only reason girls stick with buttholes that treat them like crap is because they crave the emotional rollercoaster that is in their genes. Everyone will say to leave untili they are in the situation and they feel that they will lose so much if they just drop the bf than staying. Basically you are staying because you don't think you can or should deserve better. It is as simple as that. You are part of the trend and it makes me angry. I wanna be Batman and destroy criminals!

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Try writing down how you feel and leaving the letter for him, so when he actually has a break from his work he can take the time to read and focus on how you feel and your point of view of the situation.

If he tosses the letter aside... :doubt: that's incredibly rude

Take care of yourself girl

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OR you could go lingere shopping and buy some super hot outfit and surprise him :lol:

lol if only that would work...hed be more interested in his laptop.

ummm hes been like this for about a month. but it has happened before. and then as soon as he thinks hes losing me he starts paying attention to me a bit more. but i dont understand why it has to get ot the point of losing me for him to show a little bit of interest in me again...

The reason he doesn't show you any attention until he thinks you're going to leave him is because he is putting in the MINIMUM amount of effort necessary to keep you around. It sounds like being in a relationship is convenient for him, so he doesn't want to give that up. However, he also doesn't want to put much time into the relationship - hence, your situation.

You asked how you can "make him" care about you again. You can't make him do anything. I know it is really hard to accept that. My last relationship ended after two years, when I finally realized that I could not change him. If I had realized that sooner, the relationship probably wouldn't have lasted nearly so long. But I stayed in it because I honestly believed that if I just tried hard enough, that we could make it work and I could make him into the perfect partner.

I was absolutely wrong. The only person I could change was me. So I did. I'll be honest - I don't really like being single. But it's better than continuing on the emotional rollercoaster of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about you as much as you care about them.

So you've got a choice to make about what you want in your life. Stop trying to change him - accept that he is who he is, and figure out whether or not you can be okay with that.

By the way, Necromancer, craving the emotional rollercoaster IS NOT IN A WOMAN'S GENES. This is a popular misconception that fostered the whole "she wanted to get beaten" myth. (and don't even start with me on that - I worked for a battered women's shelter for 2 1/2 years.) I certainly do not crave a tumultous relationship, and I don't believe that most women do - it's just that often, people don't know what a healthy relationship looks like, and they don't know how to go about creating one.

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ever 3 or 6 years I believe it is, most people go through a large personality change. It stops at an age I can't remember and I may have how often it happens wrong, but this may have been why things could be suddenly dramatically different.

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sounds like the harder you try to please him, the more he gets pushed away. he's probably getting bored with the relationship, which happens a lot (happened to me). my advice would be to stop trying so hard. show him you can live without him and he'll probably come crawling back to you. if that doesn't work, start looking for someone else.

oh, and just a warning. do not put all of your heart and faith into one person. the flesh is weak and people will let you down, whether they mean to or not.

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The first thing you should do is not post this twice.

I'm not good at relationship advice so sorry can't help but hope everything works out.

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I know a couple who was kind of like this. The guy for a while didn't act all that interested in the girl. I didn't think it would last. But they are now married (after dating for 5 years). So my point is, try and stick it out a bit. If you're wanting to live the rest of your life with this guy you will have to learn to deal with hardships like this. But since you're not married, it's just a test. If he doesn't get better in a few months time, move on.

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The first thing you should do is not post this twice.

I'm not good at relationship advice so sorry can't help but hope everything works out.

what do you mean do not post this twice? Did i accidently make another thread with the same thing?

Well...i have been thinking about it. And i dont think its up to me to try to "win him back"...i have done nothing wrong..he needs to win ME back. I think that it is his turn to make the effort. I just hope that he does. Because I am SOOOO emotionally exhausted I cannot even think straight. I think I am done trying so hard until he shows that he is making an effort as well. I will see how it goes, but I agree with you guys when you say that he is just comfortable and knows that i will always be there...and im sure thats why he assumes he can treat me the way he does.

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i think that i will wait it out a bit longer...if nothing changes i guess i will just need to move on :(

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I know a couple who was kind of like this. The guy for a while didn't act all that interested in the girl. I didn't think it would last. But they are now married (after dating for 5 years). So my point is, try and stick it out a bit. If you're wanting to live the rest of your life with this guy you will have to learn to deal with hardships like this. But since you're not married, it's just a test. If he doesn't get better in a few months time, move on.

I agree with this...if you want a relationship to last, you can't throw in the towel when things get rough. You can win someone over by being supportive & being the "bigger" person, which requires being patient for a time. You also should let them know how you feel & what you need though. Since you aren't married or apparently don't have a life-long commitment, then once you've communicated the issue, if he still doesn't make the needed improvements in a reasonable amount of time, then I think it is fair for you to end the relationship. After all, it does take two people for a relationship to work, and you can't make anyone do anything they don't really want to do. All you can do is make them aware of how things are.

Is it possible to schedule a time to talk with him? If he is a business-minded type, maybe he'll respect the approach of setting an "appointment". Make it clear no business talk is allowed, and then lay it all on the table, the same way you wrote it in the first post. If he tries to steer the conversation elsewhere, then stop him and remind him that this is your time to talk about your relationship. You can simply say, "That's irrelevant to this conversation; we can discuss that later".

Last resort, write a letter/email, as someone else suggested. At the very least, if you decide it isn't working out and break up with him, you will feel better knowing you did your best to communicate the problem and solve things.

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You probably need to give him some space and then he'll either miss you or forget about you if he does the second one then you know the relationship is going nowhere.

So like go on vacation something for a couple weeks or don't hang out with him for a while and see what he's like afterwards.

the most important thing in a healthy relationship is to be interdependent and co-create things keep your independence don't be come dependent on him, he probably senses this and it makes him feel bored or overwhelmed with you.

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