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Wow this has been forever since i have put anything up. I jus have to get this out. Last thursday shit went to hell. i drank all night jus tryin to have a bit of fun. I don't know why or how, i jus blacked out (hasn't happened in a few yrs) Next day i wake up my sister (elswhere) was at my house. i guess i went nuts the night before. I beat the crap out of my bf, started screaming crazy shit saying he was jus like all my ex's, and the crazy thing is , is that i know he isn't. i threw shit broke up stuff in my house, screaming at him, i seriously don't understand where this anger was, if anything my bf should've left me and dumped, i cheated about 1o months ago, very early in our relationship and he found out. and for some reason i went crazy on him. i hate blacking out i don't remeber. Guess is all around the apt, complex " the whore" of this place. peeps were talking and my bf was the last to find out. I wish he would jus disgard me like the trash i feel that i am. shit's out of control, jobless, depressed, and known to everyone as a whore, i miss being sixteen, i miss being twelve. Some one already invent a damn time machine please already. :cry::cry:

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We're not giving up on you, honey, no matter how much you want us to. And I meant it when I say you haven't said or done anything I haven't. People have had to sit with me through my freak-outs just like I sat with you through yours - it's like the great circle of life, only the dysfunctional version. But that's us and that's what we have to work through. That's okay.

The more you say you hate yourself the more you are going to continue to do these things that cause you to hate yourself. I didn't get better by constantly putting myself down. You can have "this", too. It's so much easier than the constant self-hatred, than the pain of avoiding. It takes 12 times more work to push people away than it does to face the pain and start healing. Facing up to the real pain is nowhere near as scary as the dysfunctional behaviors that come with avoiding the pain.

All this talk about being a whore and whatever - that's what you think of yourself, not what others are saying. And you CAN change what you think about yourself. It takes time. And yeah, it hurts. But you can do it.

You're not too far gone and you never will be. You're my sister, blood and flesh, and you're the reason why I want to get up, everyday, and be a better Elsewhere. You've given me that. That's important. I'm never going to leave you. You're never going to push me away, or hurt me to the point where I leave. I love you, and part of loving someone means sticking around. Someday you'll see that this applies to loving yourself, too.

Don't stop talking. We're listening.

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