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CDNGUY

My Life has come to a complete halt! And I now hate myself....

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Hi,

I need to explain myself and vent and hopefully find someone that would like to listen to me because I feel so alone, weak, lost and scared......

Here's my story:

I have grown up with a wonderful family, lots of love and laughter, good friends, always there when I need them. Now, acne has been in my life for a long time but I just realized the seriousness of it and it has totally torn me apart recently. I had acne on the face when I was younger, it was pretty bad to but it has cleared up for the most part, I still get a few here and there but nothing to substantial.....except recently on the forehead because I have been soo depressed and tired and stressed and it's breaking out up there. I know it makes things worse but I can't get over the fact that I have acne all over my body, back and chest!! It's not like they are big cyst ones but they are red, pussie, and really ugly. I had acne on the body for a long time but always thought that it would go away or that the treatment I was doing was going to work, I bascially threw it in the backburner because I wanted to enjoy my life and not worry about it. And I did, I had lots of fun and did lots of cool things, was a genuinely happy person, people rarely did not like me. I thought things were all good!

So, I grew up trying everything saw derms, pills, topicals, lots of stuff, although I was afraid to try Accutane (which I truly regret now). I had almost gotten rid of it at one point until I became depressed (because the girlfriend broke up with me) and I left it alone, with no treatments and ended up getting a really bad break out and then felt absolutely terrible. I didn't know what to do but I also didn't want to miss out on things in life so I would always go out and party with my friends and brother which really made things worse for it and me, but at the time I wanted to feel accepted, I wanted to be like my older brother. He was always the popular one with all the friends and girlfriends and my borthers (two older) and I were very popular in school (I was basically popular because of them) so I couldn't let anyone know that I had acne on my body, so I hid it all the time and secretly would apply my products or take my pills. I was very shy and quiet and usually kept my problems to myself which was stupid and I now know that, I know, but I was troubled. I didn't really realize how troubled I really was until now. Everything is starting to make sense in my life and I am regretting soo many things now that I am stressed, can't sleep properly, just feel genuinely messed up. The thing is acne is such a stupid thing to talk about because my guy friends do not want to hear about my insecurities or my acne problems, they just want to get drunk, watch sports, and have a good time.....

I had a girlfriend for the last 5 years with a small break up in between. I hid my problem from her for a long time (don't really know how i pulled that off) until she wanted to go on vacation somewhere, that's when I cracked, so I told her. She was soo comforting about it and made me feel good and it was such a relief to tell her. We ended up going to Cuba, which was nice but I still felt nervous there and always tried to conceal my skin but it was still good to go.

Anyways, I am going to try to wrap this mess of my life up in this paragraph. Now, the last two years I decided to go to school. Went for the last two years and did very well. My girlfriend liked the fact that I went but didn't like the fact that I spent soo much time studying and working. She held on for the first year, but then broke up with me this past October. I heard she was seeing someone else but I don't bother to ask, I just went with the fact that I was too busy trying to get an education that she wanted more, although she does now have another boyfriend. So, I wanted to show her and work hard get a good job and make lots of money and become successful, well didn't only want to show her but myself and my family and friends. I have that opportunity now but acne is holding me back, mentally. I am becoming a financial planner and have landed an amazing opportunity but am failing to work to the best of my abilities because I can't stop thinking about my acne and the fact that I am probably scarred for life and will miss out on a lot of the joys and fun. I am not happy and people are not going to want to deal with me because I am miserable. My boss knows that there is something wrong with me but I told him that what I had was a rash. Eventually I am going to have to tell him the truth. The problem is this is the most embarrasing thing in the world!! How do I go about telling him?

I thought that i would have found something by now to get rid of my acne but I have only made things worse recently! How am I going to find another girlfriend? All the other girlfriends I had during my acne life have come to me and the last one I had is the only one that has known about my problem. I forgot how hard it was for me to tell her and how am I suppose to tell another girl. How do I go about my life now? Financial planners are usually people that go on vacations, golfing, and are generally happy talkative people. I used to be like this until now when I realized how much I ruined my skin.

If anyone actually went through and read this post, thank you! I really need some support and someone to talk to. I feel like driving far far away and not coming back until this acne is gone, which is probably NEVER!

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I forgot to add that I feel like my life is over, like I am never going to be happy again!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Of course you will be happy one day honey!! Don't give up even though I know it's hard! Trust me I used to hide in my closet and just cry cuz my skin looked so bad and you know what,till this day I have NEVER met another person that had acne all my friends had PERFECT skin so no one knew what I was going through! But I fina;;y went to my derm and he prescribed me some stuff and it actually worked,my skin was clear ina week and hs been since! You will find something that will work for you just don't give up and one day you'll look back and thank god you didn't give up cuz you'll be so happy and even though you don't see it now you will!! Hang in there =-)

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sounds like a classic case of "reliance on others for happiness". one day you'll realize you don't need anyone to live your life, and when that day comes you'll look back and laugh.

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Five years is a very long time to be with someone and then have it end - you have my condolances for that. I've been with my guy for 10 years and if something happened, it would utterly crush me for a very long time. Right now you need friends, people to talk to about acne, about your ended relationship, about the things that hurt. I know it's hard to do that when it seems like all of your face to face friends just want to party, but you have the willing audience for talking about what pains you here.

In a way, artofdrowning is right in that it is ultimately up to us to decide our own self-worth. The people around us can help or hinder - but in the end, we are the ones who decide if we are worthy. I hope you can let us help you towards that end.

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"Everything is starting to make sense in my life and I am regretting soo many things now that I am stressed, "

you can't have regrets because it's a horrible cycle as you have realized and it'll only hold you back.

"I have grown up with a wonderful family, lots of love and laughter, good friends, always there when I need them."

that's all you need in the end and obviously they accept you for who you are not for superficial reasons like acne.

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"have that opportunity now but acne is holding me back, mentally. I am becoming a financial planner and have landed an amazing opportunity but am failing to work to the best of my abilities because I can't stop thinking about my acne and the fact that I am probably scarred for life and will miss out on a lot of the joys and fun. I am not happy and people are not going to want to deal with me because I am miserable."

I know how you feel. I'm in the same shoes as you and we don't have the time to put ourselfs together but we must hold on and and things will get better over time.

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Hi everyone that has responded:

Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement.

Sonya Z: You know, I wish that I could find something that would cure me in a week, that would be absolutely fantastic! Unfortunately I think I may have damaged my skin on my back beyond repair. I will be seeing a doctor next week about it and I do hope that I day I can become happy again.

Art of Drowning: You are absolutely right, I did rely on other people for happiness and I feel soo stupid that I am just realizing this now. The thing is I grew up with 3 brothers so there was always someone there and now two of them have moved out, and the other has a girlfriend that he is probably going to marry soo and move out, which is going to leave me with nothing......

Elsewhere: I know what you are saying. I am definately grieving over my last girlfriend there is no doubt. I could of had her back, I could of fought for her, she probably would have come back to me, but at the time I was soo tied up with school and my future that I thought if she doesn't want to wait and work with me through school then forget her, I'll find someone else that does. But now that school is out I started to focus on my skin (because before I was focusing on school) and trying to clear it up and I just realized how bad it really was and now I feel like I am never going to find another girl because I am so scared to show anyone my disease. I am having soo much trouble getting close to another girl because my insecurity has gone into overdrive.

I know I should/need talk about this with my friends, it's just that I don't think my friends will want to listen to my acne problems, it's embarrassing and it's not really a guy thing to talk about. Everytime I do try to talk about it (with my family) I get soo upset and sometimes cry (I never cry) and would not feel right if I was to do that in front of my guy friends.

acnejean: I know this regret thing is bad and I should stop it, but everything has just hit me all at once. Like why didn't I treat this properly before.....because I was too busy having fun with my friends and wanting to be a part of the crew and wanted to have fun with my girlfriend. This is just one of the major regrets that I feel. And yes my family is great, they are a great support, which is why i feel like an idiot for not telling anyone sooner........what was I thinking, how could I be soo oblivious to the whole situation!!

Da Foxx: It sucks to feel this way and I am trying my hardest to hold on, but everyday is a struggle. I wake up every morning hating myself and I don't know how to get over that!

Anyways, thanks to all for the support it is greatly appreciated and I hope that I can mentally and physically go back to my old happy self. Nobody said life was easy!

I am actually going to see a psychic/therapist on Monday, so we'll see how that goes. She is a family friend and my brother and mom says she is good and has helped them through rough times, so I am hoping for the best here....

Has anyone else ever tried anything like this?

Stephen (CDNGUY)

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