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I honestly have lost the ability to feel real emotion. I feel like a corpse walking around ready for the grave.

I doubt many people can understand my life, and writing all this down may not suffice my need to feel understood and justified in this world. But, hey better out than in right??

Well for starters I don't like to dwell on the past, or blame my pathetic excuse for a life on others but its hard people, its really hard.

So June 16, 1989, a day of joy, full of vibrant life i presume. Born in a small town hospital in Colorado, my mom often tells me storys of how big my head was and how much it hurt conceiving me. I to often have to fake a smile when she tells that story to basically everyone we meet. :shifty:

Anyways thats pretty much all i knew about that day, and it wasn't until i turned 15 or 16 when i found out that my dad used to leave my mom for weeks at a time without telling her, leaving her home alone to take care of my 2 year old sister and me in her womb. It also turned out that he was elegantly wasted during the time of my birth. In the hospital and oblivious to the fact that your supposed to take care of your family in times like these. :naughty:

Lol i have to laugh now because my dad was never really there for me at all, so its just funny that he wasn't "really there" for my birth.

Whats even funnier is the fact that everyone seemed to like my dad. We would go to church and he would act friendly as hell, and when my friends came over he would always act soooo cool. But he was not the bundle of shits and giggles the outside world thought he was. He was a bi-polar controlling alcoholic manic depressive asshole.

So at 6 months my parents move from Colorado to Virginia. I lived with the Mom's side of the family. They're South Korean, my mom moved to America when she was 15 or 16. I lived with my 2 aunts, mom, sister, and my grandparents. I was the only boy in the house, and at the delicate ages from 1-5 i was cute as a button if i may say so myself. I barely remember anything from that time except my sister and girl cousins plotting against me and popping my favorite ball. :eh: Haters!!

My dad had found a job in West Virginia and the next thing i know I'm living in John Denvers Country Road theme paradise... not, more like hillbilly bumfuk county. My parents did not love each other. They fought constantly, I'm talking everyday. My dad had to have things his way and would go absolutely apeshit otherwise. Unfortunately for my dad his narrow mind often made his idiotic idealism seem like something out of Einsteins memoirs.

So my home environment was no safe-haven by any means. So unlike most kids elementary school experiences mine was a nightmare and a half. Not only did i have big ears and an egg shaped head, i was the only asian kid. Physical beatings and emotional put downs where more than the norm.

So here i was, a once happy kid, depressed out of his mind, because everyone seemed to hate him for no reason. I would often tell my parents i was getting picked on. But they would brush it off and say things like "well your different" or "boys will be boys." Ya see they would never ask things like "what are they doing to you?" or "are you okay?" Is that to much to ask??? Seriously...

I have to look back and think what if. I mean a few well placed words in my impressionable young mind could have completely changed my life. Possibly some words of wisdom or encouragement, maybe even just a simple everything will be alright. But maybe thats also just too much to ask.

Naturally i stopped caring about life even at a young age. Around the time i was 10 i had stopped cleaning my room, and my parents would sign me up for things and i just couldn't get into it. I couldn't care about playing tennis, karate, and cello lessons when i don't even care about myself.

So automatically it wasn't lets try to help Kevin somethings wrong(he doesn't look happy, doesn't act happy, maybe hes not happy..... :think: ) , it was Kevins lazy, lazy, lazy, your lazy, you lazy ass, or lazy boy. And all these years, and even today they tell me your lazy because you were spoiled when you were younger.... That shit seriously pisses me off, but a big gulp of sorrow just swallows my screams.

My sister also happened to be the "golden child." Straight A's, best at everything, and she basically got whatever she wanted. She got all their attention and they would go way way out of their way to please her.

I love my sister dearly, but it still kinda bugs me to this day.

Like the Alkaline Trio song "Weve had Enough" the lines "A day we'll never face, we're only second-handed sick and lonely, fighting back the tears, and every urge to Van Gogh both our ears." It just rings true.

Ahh highschool. A time when the hormones rage, cheerleaders sneer, and narcissism is at an all time high. What fun!!

So of course, just my luck acne hit me like a bat out of hell. My parents even til this day "don't think i had it that bad." And my face looks like a battlefield.... They always think my sister had it worse. And she barely did compared to me.... :wall: My parents just didn't pay attention to me at all, at all people.

There are random drunks at bars that know more about my dad than i ever will.

And God knows what my mom thinks. She just acts like I've just been this unbearable burden on her life.

I have left a lot of painful memorys i could conjure up in an instant but, i've wasted enough of your time with this farcry.

Just know there is a deep sorrow that runs through my veins into my scarred face and heart. It burns and ive been on fire for so long, that i am numb.

I'm the definition of apathy. Starved of Love, and driven to the brink of insanity and almost off the edge.

Sitting in a bunker here behind my wall.

Pink FLoyd - Waiting for the Worms

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:comfort:

I'm not going to be able to give advice, but I understand how you feel. I love my sisters & brothers, but I feel like I'm the black sheep.

It's hard to feel all this at such a young age, I'm sorry I can't really say much to even ease your sadness.

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good story. truthfully, i'm a little surprised...

you always seemed to be the outgoing/bubbly type, yet i had a hunch it was only a charade to hide how you truly feel.

if it means anything, you have a good heart and that's rare. your broken past molded you into who you are today and that's a compassionate, selfless guy...

we need more people like you around

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Usually, I just skim read long threads like these, but this time I had to read every word. Your story was very touching.

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Kevin, if I may call you so, I must confess: I have a terrible inclination to take your face in my two hands and kiss your forehead tenderly. It was the greatest gesture of understanding between myself and my mother. Unfortunately, she was, as your father is, an alcoholic diagnosed with manic depression.

For seven years I was myself "emotionally dead". The first four years were the most difficult; family members dismissed my pain, while adults and children alike, sheer strangers, seemed to hate me for my appearance alone.

I became quite tired of my exhausted attempts to confide in family whom didn't seem very interested in anything I felt, as I imagine you do. You cry every night, cut up your arms, allow them to catch you counting pills from the medicine cabinet on the floor of your bedroom, and no one says anything, no one dares to do anything, to reach out. I, like you, had no words of encouragement, or kindness. For seven years, my greatest thought was only of dying. I can still remember one morning, during high school, confessing to my stepmother as she drove me to class that I wanted to throw myself down a steep flight of school steps and break my neck. She did not say anything, and I was...sobbing with relief, convinced someone was finally going to acknowledge what was happening to me, someone was going to take it seriously. When I got home from school, she smiled at me, it seemed so sweetly, and said, "Well, I guess you didn't kill yourself today, did you? Maybe tomorrow, huh?" And she laughed, shaking her head, muttering "teenagers"... And I closed my bedroom door as always, and tore my upper arms apart with a razor. And I felt nothing for my own flesh that I was mutilating.

My personal sharing...is not to detract from your confession...rather, I want it to serve as an example of understanding...of course I cannot fathom your situation perfectly, but I must say in certain parts of your post I saw myself so many years ago, and felt compelled to speak up.

Sometimes, when I read such confessions as yours, Kevin, I feel an unbearable love swelling inside me. An instinct...to protect, one might say. After so many years of enduring my own pain, when I witness others in a similar situation, I want to fight for them. I want to protect them from what they feel they themselves cannot. No one came to me, talked to me, tried to stand between me and the pain I lived with. And when I see someone like you, Kevin, I must say something, anything. To stand by and simply watch...is unbearable. It is not something I can bring myself to do any longer.

I apologize if my response seems sappy or emotional. Your post...was a grenade in my heart. I can only stumble about the debris clumsily, sadly trying to fit the odd piece back together.

I wish the best for you, truly. It is difficult for a person drowning in the same water to give advice to another victim of it. I can only say...I have been in many life rafts, and have been thrown out of twice as many. No matter the case, I kept swimming, and I pray you will as well.

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You'd be amazed how many people can understand what you're going through , you'd be amazed.

Well for starters I don't like to dwell on the past, or blame my pathetic excuse for a life on others but its hard people, its really hard.

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wow i know how glamorous feels, I was always the outsider. probably why I love that song but anyways, we all have our stories, i mean my dad was never there and he liived 10 minutes away from me for years. I still never see him and im 18 now i mean damn who cares now. Life has lots of times that suck, we just gotta get past them.

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FOR THE OP

#1 Sorry bud about the pain and numbness. But know this, right now, you're done surviving, let's get you back to living and getting the hell out of that house and having a life. Just so you know, this is coming from another child of another alcoholic/psycho (mother) and absentee father, neither of whom ever had their shit together whatsoever. So I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. THINK YOU'RE ALONE? THINK AGAIN. YOU'RE NOT. Not by a long shot.

#2 There is one difference between you and me though, I'm on the other side of age and emotions. I haven't felt that way in many years, I got out of that and stopped playing the dysfunctional family game a long time ago. Graduated college too. I'm a lot older than you, and know what? I'm happy. Yeah that's right, I'm happy. :D Life is a wonderful mystery to be lived, and I'm sorry to tell you that in a way. I'm sorry because you're not going to believe that where you're at, I understand. That's fine. I'd felt numb at one point in my life too and thought that, "Fuck it, nobody cares anyway. Why bother?" Well Bullshit on that. That's right bullshit.

#3 Yeah, it sounds like you had a fucked up childhood like me, NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? Yeah, that's right YOU! Are you going to work with the psychologist and get into a 12-step program like ALATEEN or ALANON or ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS, they're in the phone book. There's a bunch of people there who know how you feel. Yeah, I've been, I know what it's like there. GO TO THOSE MEETINGS, RESEARCH ONLINE, IT'S UP TO YOU TO GET BETTER. WHY GO? THERE'S LOVE THERE!!!!!!!!! If there's not a meeting where you live look online for info. In the very least go to an AA meeting, it'll help you understand things better.

#4 Your parents are admittedly sick, absolutely. I'm very sorry for that. I'd suggest you get in touch with your anger and sadness regarding your family, your issues, your baggage and work it out. Make new habits, new thinking, new attitudes and a change of scenery. Don't stay in that house, not a good place.

#5 Understand your role in your family, short psychological explanantion here- everyone in the family plays a dysfunctional role in it. The "hero", "princess", "comic", "fuck-up/scapegoat" are the main roles. You can read more on it, suggested book-"Recovery: A Guide For Adult Children of Alcoholics." Also, "Codependent No More." There are many others.

#6 Understand that depression and addiction are the same disease, they're basically an onion skin for unresolved grief and anger. You have a lot of sadness and anger to get in touch with, the only way out of it is "THRU IT." You're going to have to feel all those unresolved feeling you've been carrying around in you for years. Ironically, the people who exhibit the most outward signs of depression are actually the most angry, the people who act the most angry ( i.e. "angry" person) are the most sad. Imagine how much energy it takes to keep all those feelings suppressed and then you can see why you're struggling with so many things. It's also the reason so many ACOAs can never change their lives, they don't have any emotional life, no inner life, it's just numb. They ususally work really hard to change just one thing and then it all comes crashing down like a house of cards.

#7 Take a realistic look at yourself. Just by viewing your writing and your picture I can tell you 2 things here. One is you can write, BTW I graduated from college in journalism, so I know what I'm talking about. Two is you seem to be a good-looking young man, okay? You have unique talents and skills beyond that as well. So there's no reason for you to think that your life is over. KID YOUR LIFE HASN'T EVEN BEGUN. REMEMBER THAT OKAY? YOU NEED TO START LIVING BY FINDING YOUR INNER LIFE AND GETTING AWAY FROM THAT F***ed up family. Alright?

#8 It's going to take hard work on your part, and getting support from the 12-step groups I mentioned above. You may want to consider a couseling group that focuses on ACOA issues as well. Are you in college or going to go? The student center at your uni would have such a group. Think solutions instead of problems, okay? You're smarter than that, and you don't want to live down to your family's expectations, do you? If you want to be true to your family, don't do anything or expect anything in your life, or ever work at anything. Just watch tv and stay in your room, that's what your family probably expects of you anyway. Why disappoint them by succeeding in life? Why be any different than your family? Just continue to find excuses and keep telling yourself and others, "Don't expect anything from me, I was raised in a dysfunctional family!" NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT IS MY POINT!!!

#9 Be aware that you have things you need to take responsiblity for. Such as your life, who you've hurt, mistakes you've made, bad attitudes etc.. Think you're perfect or that your family didn't effect you? THINK AGAIN. But don't blame yourself or the world, take responsiblity, take accountability, work it. Begin anew, again, your life hasn't even started yet and you think it's over, it's not. It's time to start fresh.

#10 If you want help in your life, FIND SOMEONE TO HELP. That's right, find someone to help. What are you doing to attract help into your life? Anything? I expect you to volunteer someplace buddy, find a way to be of service. Open a door for someone, help an elderly person, be a mentor to a child etc.. And you know what gets produced by your body when you help someone? SEROTONIN, that's right the same chemical that is artificially supplemented by the Antidepressants you're taking. It's all naturally inside you if you decide to help someone. Yeah, scientifically proven research. Everything and everyone is connected. You'll believe it when you see it in yourself. GO FOR IT!!!!

PM me with any questions. I know how you feel. :cool: Take care, and EASY DOES IT! ;):D

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Wow, thanks for the support everyone, its good to know I'm not alone. As for the advice you guys are awesome, its just nice to hear it from people that have been through similar circumstances. My psychologist may know the book smarts about my situation, but you guys have lived it, and thats a huge difference.

Glamourous, you always have nice things to say. Thanks for the .org pat on the head!! Im smiling already.

Atrocious thanks a lot, compassionate and self-less lol i dont know about that, but i definately try to do the right thing. Whether its getting into an argument about cultures grasp over our reality, or trying to bring knowledge into the equation of other peoples problems, its the best i can do.

AlreadyOver thanks for reading, if my life story helps others somehow than awesomeness!!

Seraphimfire cool name. Some call me kevin, you can call me kevdaddy. Lol j\k.Your story in itself is very touching. I can't believe your stepmother said that!!! As for the mutilation im so so sorry, it makes me want to cry. My sister also went through a period when she was cutting herself. As if the emotional pain isnt enough, seriously dont you ever hurt yourself again!!

Yet its refreshing to hear someone overcome to become a such a sweet hearted person. You've definately got that loving motherly instinct, youll be a great parent one day. On a lighter note your analogies kick ass. The drowning in the water, and life rafts, very solid.

Thanks for the .org Love and watch out because its coming right back at ya. Your like the honey to my honeycomb. Congratulations with you and your mom, I wish you the best.

Faky yo dude, i feel you. When i turned 16 I had like the hottest girl in school. Blond hair Blue eyes like 110 lbs. She was an Abercrombie Hollister fiend, i think you know the type. Very hot, but very self-centered. I dated her for year and i ended up breaking up with her. Next thing i know she's messing around with my friends, guys from different schools and what not. And at this point my already bad skin became really bad.

But yo, sorry about your Mom, that really sucks, im sure she's in a heaven or a better place. It might not be the same but i was 16 living with my alcoholic dad after my mom divorced him, and he was drowning in self-pity and liquor. It was far from pleasant to say the least.

Yo trust me my friends weren't very friendly once acne hit. They didn't really help me through it. In fact they kinda made it worse. O well no point in complaining now. Well good luck with your acne, get some fresh air, and hang in there dudeson.

BeautifulDisaster18 True, very true.

BarryAllen you have a way with words man. Everyone should read what you have to say. You hit the nail on the head. Your advice is very much appreciated bro. A little bit of wisdom with a smack of reality. I can dig it. Your my new hero!! Very inspiring.

You spit it how you live it. I respect that.

I actually have recently been having a new mentality about it all. In reality my parents could have been way way worse. When it comes down to my life, it all comes down to me. Now i know i have been molded by my past and circumstance but you guys are right dwelling on that shit makes it worse. Im now trying to dwell on the positive idea that im in an uphill battle and knowing the fact that only I have the power over my life. And regardless of what happens i am always moving forwards and towards greener pastures.

You guys are the best! Thanks again

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Wow, thanks for the support everyone, its good to know I'm not alone. As for the advice you guys are awesome, its just nice to hear it from people that have been through similar circumstances. My psychologist may know the book smarts about my situation, but you guys have lived it, and thats a huge difference.

Glamourous, you always have nice things to say. Thanks for the .org pat on the head!! Im smiling already.

Atrocious thanks a lot, compassionate and self-less lol i dont know about that, but i definately try to do the right thing. Whether its getting into an argument about cultures grasp over our reality, or trying to bring knowledge into the equation of other peoples problems, its the best i can do.

AlreadyOver thanks for reading, if my life story helps others somehow than awesomeness!!

Seraphimfire cool name. Some call me kevin, you can call me kevdaddy. Lol j\k.Your story in itself is very touching. I can't believe your stepmother said that!!! As for the mutilation im so so sorry, it makes me want to cry. My sister also went through a period when she was cutting herself. As if the emotional pain isnt enough, seriously dont you ever hurt yourself again!!

Yet its refreshing to hear someone overcome to become a such a sweet hearted person. You've definately got that loving motherly instinct, youll be a great parent one day. On a lighter note your analogies kick ass. The drowning in the water, and life rafts, very solid.

Thanks for the .org Love and watch out because its coming right back at ya. Your like the honey to my honeycomb. Congratulations with you and your mom, I wish you the best.

Faky yo dude, i feel you. When i turned 16 I had like the hottest girl in school. Blond hair Blue eyes like 110 lbs. She was an Abercrombie Hollister fiend, i think you know the type. Very hot, but very self-centered. I dated her for year and i ended up breaking up with her. Next thing i know she's messing around with my friends, guys from different schools and what not. And at this point my already bad skin became really bad.

But yo, sorry about your Mom, that really sucks, im sure she's in a heaven or a better place. It might not be the same but i was 16 living with my alcoholic dad after my mom divorced him, and he was drowning in self-pity and liquor. It was far from pleasant to say the least.

Yo trust me my friends weren't very friendly once acne hit. They didn't really help me through it. In fact they kinda made it worse. O well no point in complaining now. Well good luck with your acne, get some fresh air, and hang in there dudeson.

BeautifulDisaster18 True, very true.

BarryAllen you have a way with words man. Everyone should read what you have to say. You hit the nail on the head. Your advice is very much appreciated bro. A little bit of wisdom with a smack of reality. I can dig it. Your my new hero!! Very inspiring.

You spit it how you live it. I respect that.

I actually have recently been having a new mentality about it all. In reality my parents could have been way way worse. When it comes down to my life, it all comes down to me. Now i know i have been molded by my past and circumstance but you guys are right dwelling on that shit makes it worse. Im now trying to dwell on the positive idea that im in an uphill battle and knowing the fact that only I have the power over my life. And regardless of what happens i am always moving forwards and towards greener pastures.

You guys are the best! Thanks again

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Now I'm hearing your spirit and resiliency in your last post!!! :clap::dance: That's what I'm looking for and waiting for boss!!!! :cool::dance::clap:

Being in college is prob the best time of your life, get out there and enjoy it.

Remember, growth is 2 steps forward, one step back (and sometimes 1 forward, 2 back but oh well :lol: .) What matters is if you keep at it, you don't have to get it perfect, just let go and grow. Trust in the process, let it guide you, be open to it. There's no accident in you. You're here for a reason IMHO. Learn from anything, grow emotionally, stay centered, tell yourself you're going to make it and you will. Never give up, keep finding solutions.

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I wrote this out for seraphimfire but of course she has her PM turned off. I just decided to post it here in the hopes she'd check it out, but also I think it's appropriate for here.

SERAPHIMFIRE

I hope you find beautiful things to write about as well as painful ones. Strangely, I've learned that there's beauty in pain as well, it's all experience in the end. It's all valid, I just hope you're balancing it out with love from somewhere.

If you're not getting love in your life, I suggest you invite it in by giving it away. Find someone to help, talk to a woman mentor much older than you who's been there. I'd also suggest finding a way of being of service to others, volunteering, or even a small act of kindness. Did you ever think of being around a small child for some time? There's real beauty there.

You have a strong gift of writing and expressing yourself (tell me something new huh? :lol: ), it comes through very clear. I hope you see that as a blessing as well as your other talents. I'm sorry you got burned so many times, but there are people out there who'll be good to you. Just so you know, your life is barely starting out. So please don't think it's already over. Okay?

Stay in there, hang in there! It's usually the blackest right b4 the dawn. When it does dawn, beware of yourself crashing it down because that's what you're used to. You deserve happiness, so let's find a way to attract that into your life by changing your beliefs, attitudes, behaviors and habits! Okay? GO FOR IT!!!!! :dance::clap::cool:

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