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Hi all, I guess I am writing this because...well, right now, and for the past several weeks, I have hit rock bottom. I am graduating from high school soon and there is so much to be thankful for but I have no energy, no hope.

Despite the fact that I only have a few weeks of school left, I have been unable to cope and have become so complacent, so apathetic, towards school. I've done so well, but lately I just don't care. I've been skipping school (I still cannot believe I just left last Wednesday afternoon and took the public transportation home, the same day I walked out of a Physics test after having turned in a blank exam...kind of liberating in some respects). Part of me doubts that I will be able to finish the school year...

I am in my room all day long and have been crying off and on for what seems like forever. I think about suicide more often than I'd like to admit, and I'd be a liar if I didn't say that I wish I could just slip away so I don't have to suffer anymore.

I feel ugly all the time, and what's worse, I feel that the beauty I do have is so tarnished, so worthless. I'm crying as I write this for I am so angry and so frustrated that I have to go through this...that I can't have the beautiful freedom of touching my face, of feeling whole.

Sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like if I woke up one morning with my skin beautiful...it makes me cry because I know that everything, absolutely everything, would be okay. I imagine myself running out of my house in the morning, just laughing and crying tears of joy for having this curse lifted...

I am 18 and I guess I am hopeful that this problem will go away...in fact, I know it will...but it's so difficult waiting when everyday it seems like nothing is changing. Could someone give me suggestions about what I could do, because being in my room literally all day for days at a time, crying and obsessing and making my family miserable is not helping! It just isn't!

I think it would help if I completely avoided mirrors so as to just get my mind off of this and perhaps to make friends, but it's so hard to make friends when I am so envious...Maybe if I had a boyfriend? I know that one must be happy with oneself before one can be happy with another and that it is not good to depend on another person like I am looking to do, but I think that I would be happier and also that the time it takes to get from where I am now to where I want to be will go by faster and more easily if I am distracted by being in love...

Okay, sorry, this is kind of a pointless ramble, but I just need some help...I cannot go on living like this.

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I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm in a similar situation with not going out much, if at all, anymore. I really do have faith that it's going to get better for both of us though. This is happening for a reason. We might not like it.. but it's making us better people in the aspects that matter. Someday, when your skin is better and you're gorgeous, you'll be able to thank this time for keeping you from being another brainless, compassionless pretty face. So let's just wait it out. Do the best we can with each day, and know we're working towards a better one down the road. Please message me if you ever are feeling down, or you want to talk to someone ;)

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i know the pain, and i definatley agree with the above.

feel free to ramble on, thats what we are all here for ((:

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I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm in a similar situation with not going out much, if at all, anymore. I really do have faith that it's going to get better for both of us though. This is happening for a reason. We might not like it.. but it's making us better people in the aspects that matter. Someday, when your skin is better and you're gorgeous, you'll be able to thank this time for keeping you from being another brainless, compassionless pretty face. So let's just wait it out. Do the best we can with each day, and know we're working towards a better one down the road. Please message me if you ever are feeling down, or you want to talk to someone ;)

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Please dont be so upset. Things will get better. In the meantime you will transform into a better person in several different ways. Acne has taught me quite a few things:

-I am no longer going to be judgemental about people as regards their appearance

-I will never again take good things for granted (esp. my skin :) )

--There is probably not going to be a bigger problem than this for me. So once I have handled this I will be able to take heart form this experience all my life.

-I have learnt that how shallow and pretensious people can be. I no longer crave hollow company/friends just for the sake of it. I have learnt to just be by myself. I have become more contemplative, introspective and patient. I have become at judging ones character/intentions now.

-All the fish oil that I have been taking has increased the size of my Cerebral Cortex (I can almost feel it :) and consequently I have become much smarter. My IQ jumped from 155 to 170 in three months (seriously).I scored a GPA of 4.0 last semester.

-I have learnt so much more about health and nutrition exercise than I otherwise would have. I am extremely confident that I am going to live a much healthier and vibrant life than general people

-Most importantly I have come to know so many wonderful people like Ndnromeo and Danny through his forum which wouldnt have been possible otherwise.

-I am slowly developing into an Alpha male ( well sort of) because my confidence and self esteem now has a much stronger and deeper foundation than just the external appearance.

there are so many other (subtle) ways in which it has helped me. I am certain it has helped you in ways to. But you need to look at things a little objectively to realise some of its not-so-obvious benefits.

and in case you are still not cheered up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knjZFCHKRdw

K

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Thanks K, you are absolutely right in everything you said. It's just a matter of really taking what you said to heart, to really remember that there are many positives. Easier said then done, but I'm working on it.

I am hopeful though that it will lead me to a more vibrant life, like you said, due to all of the lifestyle changes I am making...part of me thinks that maybe it was just meant to be, because without my skin issues, I certainly would not have made the positive changes I have made.

I'm glad your IQ went up, maybe mine will too, as I'm starting to take cod liver oil :]

Oh and thanks for the link, I laughed for so long at those "Just For Laughs" videos!

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I am going through the same thing, and I definitley feel that we have to stay as positive as possible. I have been hanging out with my friends a little bit more now, and working because I realized that staying in all day is depressing (although I do still do it a lot). But with time things will get better. I find that not letting myself stay infront of a mirror for so long helps me because the more i look, the more i get tempted to touch, and then do, and then get depressed, etc. Have you tried seeing a therapist? I think that maybe it would be a good idea, I went to the counseling center at school because I needed to get my feelings out, and it felt good talking to somebody. You are not the only one. Good luck!

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