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i feel like there's been pressure building up inside me , slowly over the past 1 and a half years or so, until i just cannot take it anymore now. that was also when i started going to uni. after 2 years break from school, i was readjusting to studying. that was fine at first. i was giving a lot of tuition and that took up a lot of my time but i could cope. then i had a boyfriend, and i found emotions building up in me that made me scared. it was like all the buried fears from the past came up again. i quickly broke up with him, to detach myself and feel good again. and then i went to get myself yet another boyfriend, for some stupid reason, and the same thing starts again. overwhelming feelings of fear, insecurity.

i came from a dysfunctional family. there was a lot of hatred, almost everyday, a lot of obscenities being screamed at each other all the time. i was often the one most picked upon coz i cried and got hurt most easily. i'm trying to find a reason why i have problems having a relationship, to explain the depression having a boyfriend gives me while other people seem to enjoy it so much. i can hear u guys saying, well break up with him already. it's really hard to and i dont know if i'm just escaping.

escaping. brings me to the topic of acne and what i'm doing with the rest of my life right now. i'm cutting classes, i'm not going for my exams. i take a look in the mirror and am overwhelmed with disgust and shame. two years ago i became clear after taking accutane. it was great, the new found confidence. i liked life, i liked people. people responded well to me. now that the cystic acne has returned, i make myself and everyone around me uncomfortable once more. the bad vibes i'm giving out. honestly i have no idea what i'm living for or why i persist in living. my family is seriously unhappy with me.my mum has hated me all my life because-- this is going to sound stupid, but its true-- i don't put my things properly. my dad has recently called me an ugly prostitute and told me to go jump off a building. my boyfriend is a wonderful guy, very loving, but someone i cant communicate with because he's never really had a problem in his life. he's just one of those lucky ones, with high self-esteem.

i've lost trust in myself. i cannot fulfill basic responsibilities now. i look into the mirror and i avoid them all. i feel myself sinking. i know i'm depressed. i saw a school shrink and he talked to me for a while and gave me prozac but somehow i didnt want to take it. i don't know wht to do anymore. its got to the point when intellectually i know that there is hope, that i should look on the brighter side, but emotionally there seems to be nothing inside to sustain me anymore. i'm on accutane again. its the 3rd month. it's doing ok. its just me, seeing these hard bumps under my skin, the increasing number of scars, the dark marks. i think i'm hideous, i feel so unworthy of going outside.

i feel i cannot take it anymore. i'm sorry to be whiny, to be so pessimistic. sometimes i come to this forum to read, a while back when i was stronger. and i'd read posts something like mine and i try to come up with something to make them feel better but it's so difficult, i give up and feel sad for them. sometimes i tell people i'm depressed, and they laugh, because i'm so young, why should i be depressed, they say. i told a doctor i was depressed, he actually laughed. at that point i was relatively clear, you couldnt tell my problems from how i looked.(though now u can, i look like a sick, lifeless shell) he told me i was so young, whats there to be depressed aout? to tell the truth this depression has been with me almost all my life. even when i was a kid, at several points in my life, almost every other day, after some ugly family quarrel i'd just lock myself in my room and cry and want to die.maybe it's just my nature.

i don't know what to say anymore, i think i've said it all. i just wanted to unload here because there isnt anyone in real life i can tell all that to. theoretically i probably could, but it would be too difficult, too humiliating.

i'm sorry if im depressing anyone, if things do get better i promise to post here in this same thread sopeople can have some hope. its up to me to make things better, but right now i just feel i dont have it within me.

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just as things turned bad, they'll turn good again for you. Lots of ups and downs on this board from what i've seen, unload all you want. biggrin.gif

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i can relate to u, so many can from this board.. i remember i was so happy last year when my skin was so clear and u could see my beautiful face..i looked young and fresh like a model and now my skin has done a turnaround on me and im so broken out everywhere in places i never usally even get pimples..my neck, my jawline, my cheeks, my forehaed..cysyts, blackheads, pimples..red marks, scarring..trust me, I know what it feels like..the only time i feel good is when i put a face mask on and even then i know it might be iritating it more..i dont know..but i dont like to walk around with makeup on at home so it smy only solution ot looking my family in the face..pretty stupid huh..i just started taking diane 35 and im changing my diet and dirnking loads of water so hopefully this will improve things. i know it can be hard but why dont u consider taking diane like me or naother course of accutane. meanwhile, if u stop stressing over things and try to get along with everyone u wll notice you rskin improves because whenever i stop thinking about it and im a bit happy then i notice my skin gets better.

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Hold On

This world

This world is cold

But you don't, you don't have to go.

You're feeling sad you're feeling lonely

And no one seems to care

Your mothers gone and your father hits

You this pain you cannot bear

But we all bleed the same way as you do.

We all have the same things to go thru

Hold on....if you feeling like letting go

Hold on...it gets better than you know

Your days you say they're way too long

And your nights, you can't sleep at all...Hold on

And your not sure whatt you're waiting for

But you don't want to no more

And you're not sure what you're looking for

but you don't want no more

But we all bleed the same way as you do

And we all have the same things to go thru

Hold on....if you feel like letting go

Hold on....it gets better than you know

Don't stop looking your one step closer

Don't stop searching Its not over...Hold on

What are you looking for?

What are you waiting for?

Do you know what your doing to me?

Go ahead.. What are you waiting for?

Hold on.....if you feel like letting go

Hold on.....it gets better than you know

Don't stop looking you're one step closer

Don't stop searching

Its not over.

Hold on.....if you feel like letting go

Hold on.....it gets better than you know

Hold on......

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Sally, do you still live with your parents? how old are you?

Jesus, my stomach flipped after reading your post.

so many things you mentioned, are feelings i have had to live with.

i left home at sixteen because i would have killed myself otherwise.

my parents said the sickest things to me, which destroyed my self esteem.

when the people you most want to love you show such hatred and contempt for you, its no wonder you feel worthless, and certainly not suprising to me that you push men away, and have issues of insecurity with them.

if you still live with your parents you need to get the hell away from them.

i dont say that lightly, but it seems as if your home life (if you live with them) is really unhealthy, and your state of mind will only suffer.

please believe me, it will get better, but you have to stop letting people treat you so badly.

once i cut my mother out of my life she realised, to a point, what her behavior had done to me. and we have a better (but still not great) relationship.

i honestly think if you can improve your whole life situation, you will feel better about your acne and more able to deal with it.

get to your derm and discuss another course of accutane.

bad skin is the last thing you need, and if its scarring it needs sorting.

and if your doctor laughed at you, he is obviously a wanker,so pray for his balls to go black and drop off, see another doc.

please find a doctor who takes your emotional turmoil seriously, there are lots of good docs who will listen. there are other therapies for depression, not just drugs, but i would give them a go, just for the short term. if you find it hard to handle the feelings you have, its time to get help.

and remember, (i know its a clique but it got me through tough times)

What doesnt kill you will make you stronger.

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Never give up. Nobody out there is better than you. Fight it and fight it hard. You have everyones support here. we all have your back. Everyone nn this board feels you. But you cant give up. Keep doing your thing. Eat healthy, work out. Just dont give up

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thank you for sharing some intimate details.

i think you will find that many of us feel really similar to you. it is very difficult when you have numerous problems in your life, PLUS acne.

I myself came from a dysfunctional family. Drug and alcohol problems and what not.....

all through high school i had severe acne, and now I am left with scars and occasional breakouts. very depressing indeed......

my mom also passed away a year ago, after years of family conflict and mean words. the loss has been hard of course, and i am still dealing. it takes time to heal from growing up; dysfunctional familes, death, bad relationships, all the little loses plus the tradegys.

Ugh and then acne, just when everything cant seem to get worse.....

But the thing you have to realize is that acne and acne scars can seriously be treated after time, as is the same for family problems and what not. time heals all things.....

you dont have to have a boyfreind all the time. its ok to be single, i am assuming you are young, and yes, many people do hook up and meet people, but its okay to focus on finding yourself and your soul, and not be worried about a relationship and taking care of someone else. you'll prob get married one day, and then you'll have your whole life to be with someone. when else to be single but now!? I'm sure you love you boyfriend, but be honest, and hopefully after your excuse, he'll still wnat to be close and be friends, or maybe even more when you are more ready.

try to cheer up. get on the regimen, or begin a regimen of scar treatment. go back to school and try to do well. i'll be a licensed physician after a couple more years, and although i am depressed, i am happy that i am not depressed AND going to have to work very hard for little money my whole life. Find something you like and study. College has helped me also, because college students can get alot of loans to live on, so I have alot of free time. It helps me cope with my depression because I have time for myself, to relax and be comfortable at home, in dim lighting, lol!

it may take time to get out of your depression, but prozac might helps. I am a psychology major and have studied these pills in great depth, and chemical imbalences are real things, and the medication can help that. if you can feel better, why not? take it now while you have a lot of problems. one day the problems will clear if you make good choices to help yourself, and become a stronger person, and then you wont need the meds.

Keep your head up and get us posted. Good luck.

every second is a chance to turn it all around. smile.gif

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thank you for your replies, i read and reread your posts. I actually avoided coming here for a few days because I was embarrased that I'd posted such a long and personal story, but now I'm touched that you've told me your own personal experiences. I wish I were stronger and I'm ashamed that I'm not. I'm going to take some time to reflect on what all of you have said. Irrational fear is taking over almost every aspect of my life.

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Sally, I think everyone else here has said it already - we hear you completely.

I had a very similar upbringing to you and also had very little feeling of self worth. You wouldn't believe the names my own mother has called me and I've remembered every one of them and suppose I have carried it around with me for a long time. My father was always on my side but he's had health problems and now tends to keep quiet so as not to incur her wrath.

I'm so thankful that skunkanansie made her post. My own friends (with the exception of one) will never understand how it feels to not have a relationship with your own mother as they are very close to their's (I've also had a friend laugh in my face when I told her I was depressed). This was the root of my problems but acne was the final straw that was the physical barrier between me and everybody else. My skin is cleared now and I've regained so much confidence. I also do fear that it will come back and though I haven't been visibly bothered by it in the recent past, I do worry that I might subconsciously withdraw from people around me and they will sense it. I doesn't help that I'm naturally a very quiet person.

there isnt anyone in real life i can tell all that to. theoretically i probably could, but it would be too difficult, too humiliating.
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I was rereading this thread and when I got to skunkanansie saying "What doesnt kill you will make you stronger." and then the picture of the queen underneath, I couldn't help but laugh biggrin.gif .

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Sally, I think everyone else here has said it already - we hear you completely. 

I had a very similar upbringing to you and also had very little feeling of self worth. You wouldn't believe the names my own mother has called me and I've remembered every one of them and suppose I have carried it around with me for a long time. My father was always on my side but he's had health problems and now tends to keep quiet so as not to incur her wrath. 

I'm so thankful that skunkanansie made her post. My own friends (with the exception of one) will never understand how it feels to not have a relationship with your own mother as they are very close to their's (I've also had a friend laugh in my face when I told her I was depressed). This was the root of my problems but acne was the final straw that was the physical barrier between me and everybody else. My skin is cleared now and I've regained so much confidence. I also do fear that it will come back and though I haven't been visibly bothered by it in the recent past, I do worry that I might subconsciously withdraw from people around me and they will sense it. I doesn't help that I'm naturally a very quiet person.

there isnt anyone in real life i can tell all that to. theoretically i probably could, but it would be too difficult, too humiliating.

Believe me, I've been there. I've touch the surface of my problems with one or two friends but realised I don't want to tell them because there is no way they can empathise and like you, I get embarassed and ashamed when their questions get too probing. I can see the confusion in their faces and them struggling to fathom why the hell I can't just get along with my mother. I have one friend who grew up with an abusive parent also and she is the only one that I feel comfortable talking about these things with. We don't go into length about it but there is an unspoken understanding between us that we know where each other is coming from.

I think I'm a little older than you, Sally and the improved confidence I have is due to my age and not because I have had things better than you. It's taken me along time but I can promise you that things will get better as long as you have faith that the good times will eventually come.

its up to me to make things better, but right now i just feel i dont have it within me.
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Yeah, acne has taken it's toll on me emotionally and psychologically. I've had it for about 10 years now, and it's just as bad as it's ever been, with no end in sight. It feels like I've missed out on so much in life, and it feels like there is so much more that I'm going to miss out on. So many things I've avoided, and still avoid now. Seems like all I've ever known is to live with this. Hard to focus on goals and the important things in life when depression is holding you down. Acne is really the only contributing factor to my depression. Because it feels like it's never going to end. Despair. It's like I'm locked in a cage that I'll never get out of. A cage that just gets worse and worse. No self-esteem, no confidence, but plenty of depression. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but, I can't even say something to make myself feel better. All I can say is... you're not alone.

It's difficult for me to open up, share my feelings and admit to being depressed. I'm not that type of person. Like you, I can't talk about it with someone. And I really don't want to either. Hell, It's kind of difficult for me to do that on the internet with an alias.

But, whatever.

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These are rather obvious statements but, acne isn`t life threatening.....before you start shouting at me, no ... i`m not giving a lecture about the fact that there are worse diseases and ailments etcetera...What i am really trying to say is that we all have a duty to ourselves to set our soul free. There is nothing physically wrong with us that prevents us from carrying out any activity that a person with clear skin can. Moreover, I have seen plenty of people that do not care how they look ... I believe now that i do not care how I look, i simply care about how other people think i look. I will not insult anyones intelligence by asking them to disregard others` views and comments; i do believe that the 'finished article' in terms of a personality is one that is completely uninhibited by other people`s views and thoughts on the state of ones skin or anything else for that matter of a physical nature. I read this is in a book i can`t remember the name of some time ago. Furthermore, the personality that is fully developed is calm, decisive but ready; or words to that effect. This post is a series of ramblings and should not be taken as anything else; thats for all you knit pickers out there smile.gif

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I just went through the worst weeks ever of my life, I broke up with my boyfriend finally. Getting over him is a nightmare.

Anyway i've decided to shift my focus from my skin to helping others and learning new things and confronting the problems in my life.

A few days ago I went to get a referral to the institute of mental health for psychotherapy, the appointment is set for 7th May. I finally came to terms with the fact that I need to do something about my depression. I'm looking forward to it. I want to let go of all the resentment and anger I've felt towards my family all these years, and to work on my low self-esteem.

I'm also going to do some volunteer work, I've been so self-centered for too long. Going to pick up a few new activities too. I'm actually feeling pretty upbeat as I type this out, but I know I'm a person prone to depression and negative thoughts, hence the psychotherapy. I don't want to sink into the hole again just as I'm making my way out.

This is the first time in about 1.5 years I'm feeling hopeful about the future again. At the same time I sometimes feel so low and alone and worthless it's scary and overwhelming.

I'll keep u guys updated on my progress smile.gif

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thanks zul, you're so nice!!

i used to live in tampines u know? moved to punggol last december!

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hi sally. thanks for sharing your story... i can relate to it so much. i dont like myself very much as a person; i never have. throughout my life i would try to find problems about myself to "fix" in hopes that i would get better. i always thought that if i was perfect and beautiful, i would be happy and there was no other way. i never accepted myself the way i was... i was always too fat, too ugly, and now... my complexion is too botched. ive been battling with acne for the past 2-3 years. it was never really that bad. my acne is mild but i would let it keep me from living. i constnatly put my life "on hold" because of acne and not go out.

i think the more self centered i am, the worse it gets. hiding at home and just wallowing in self pity has made things worse. im glad you are realizing that too and youre going out to do volunteer work. im proud of you. our problems are often magnified 100 times because we focus so much on them. i know i need to just forget about my skin and go out and have fun. im dying for human contact. im so lonely. when youre out there connecting with people and making others feel good, you realize that you have inner beauty. you start to see your worth as a person. there is so much more to life than how we look.

please keep us updated, sally! i hope all is going well for you. if you ever feel like chatting with someone, PM me.

<3

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Wow! I actually thought you lived somewhere like U.K. or U.S, Sally! I don't know why I thought so. Hehe. My sister, her husband and their baby boy lives at Punggol!
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hahah u need to hear me speak singlish! punggol still very quiet and calm place, not like tampines, esp TM. argh cant walk a few steps without stepping on someone's toes! Maybe when u come visit your sis we can meet up smile.gif

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#-o Anyway, I don't know what's my sister's block number, but it's the orangey one. Lol. Her house is so pretty inside, unlike this house of mine! Wait till her baby gets older and her house will turn into a mess. Hehe.
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I did say I'd update. It's been a year and a half now and life is good. I think I hit rock bottom there in March. I saw a psychiatrist who prescribed me generic Prozac. It helped me a lot. In the first few weeks of taking it I experienced a really bizzare feeling---- enthusiasm for life!! Without the circumstances changing at all. It taught me that it's not the circumstances which determine your happiness. I realised that I can choose not to be unhappy by learning how to control my own thoughts and emotions. And I really had to LEARN it, thinking differently isn't easy when you have been thinking the same way all your life. A good book to read, and practise, is Feeling Good. (by David Burns)

I've been off Prozac for about 6 months now and I'm doing fine. Even in my worst moments I know that everything will be alright because I can choose to make things better. That keeps me from spiralling downwards.

Just a year and a half ago I was feeling so bad I wanted to die, now I look forward to lots of things in life.For all you depressed souls out there.... life really can be better, a lot better. Just remember what you think is reality may not really be reality, and your reality can be changed.

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i can relate to u, so many can from this board.. i remember i was so happy last year when my skin was so clear and u could see my beautiful face..i looked young and fresh like a model and now my skin has done a turnaround on me and im so broken out everywhere in places i never usally even get pimples..my neck, my jawline, my cheeks, my forehaed..cysyts, blackheads, pimples..red marks, scarring..trust me, I know what it feels like..the only time i feel good is when i put a face mask on and even then i know it might be iritating it more..i dont know..but i dont like to walk around with makeup on at home so it smy only solution ot looking my family in the face..pretty stupid huh..i just started taking diane 35 and im changing my diet and dirnking loads of water so hopefully this will improve things. i know it can be hard but why dont u consider taking diane like me or naother course of accutane. meanwhile, if u stop stressing over things and try to get along with everyone u wll notice you rskin improves because whenever i stop thinking about it and im a bit happy then i notice my skin gets better.

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I feel for you Sally. My father is a psychiatrist and he explains that a lot of mental illnesses like depression come from people who grew up in broken homes or were abused as children. I'm also very depressed, but for different reasons than you. Psychotropic drugs like prozac and paxil can help you achieve some sort of clarity so that you can make more rational decisions in your daily life.

I also need to get help. For some reason, its very uncomfortable for my father to help me with this...which is ironic because he does this for a living.

LOL I just read your more recent posts. Well I'm very happy things are looking up for you. I really am.. it gives me hope.

Edited by Du_
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