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MN4

Just another day

Today was as bad as other days, i was always inconfidence of myself as usual. I thought i look ugly, i don't dare to face light. I just couldn't socialise. I don't dare to even speak to anyone beacause i am so inconfidence of my face.

A guy in my flight(kiwi) said i look like luke chadwick(a pokered face football player). He looked at me giggled, whispered something to his mate and his mate turned around, look at me and started laughing. I observed this incident from the corner of my eyes.

It feels terrible to be at the centre of a joke especially being mocked at. The worst thing is because i am such a low confidence, i don't even dare to look back and ask "whats so funny?". I could only feigned to be understanding their joke on me and laugh along with them.

I felt so terrible being laugh at and and I am laughing along with them.I am betrayed and my gesture, external self betrayed whats going on in my thoughts. I am guilty of betraying myself. This mixed, contradictive feeling jumbled up the way i think and i felt like a "F**K".

All the time i felt so out of place , "why am i doing here?" I don't belong here, Its seems that Kiwi has rallyed on the rest of the flight mate to laugh at me. Whoever he talks to seems to laugh along with him and i felt nobody is standing on my side. I don't have any real friends and every1 is going against me.

Hans(once being close to me) understands the joke too. Kiwi said i finally made some use of myself by holding up the flag as a route marshall (the dudes were doing a 7 km run and i was't feeling good that day hence being tasked to direct the route), and Hans laughed.

I knew it, they are all talking behind me. This time round, i feigned laughter too. I f**King betrayed my self again. Why cant i just face up to the fact, brace up my own F**King lost confidence and make them eat their own words? Why do i always think about of my appearance before even start talking? This is affecting how i present my thoughts, words. My construction of words gone haywire once is reminded myself how frekish i looked. I remain dumbfounded and couldn't utter a word. The worst case is when i started talking, suddenly i reminded myself hows my looks, i couldn't carry on my speech. My speech comes to an awkward end.

I thought looking good is the ultimate thing in life. people agree with you, enjoy the feel of people agreeing with you, enjoy the feel of people laugh at your joke, agree with you even if you are wrong, Hence even when debating, little conversation, presenting little thoughts, i couldn't do it. All because i am too conscious how i look.I remind myself i don't get to enjoy these things, hence i forsee that even my joke is funny, nobody will laugh. How right or wrong am i, nobody agree with me.

FYI, i am a dude, 20 yrs old and am serving my country's airforce as an officer cadet.I was previously from army wing but i cross over to airforce because of interest. still 8 mths long to commissioning. I have a face littered with cystic nodular acne. especially concentrated on cheeks and temple area. I have acne on top of acne. and acnes cojoined to from a ridged "volcanic" acne. Very low self esteem.

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I feel so bad that people treat you so bad. Shame on them! That kind of behavior is something I could never understand, even before my condition.

Have you seen a Dr.? Maybe if it's that bad you can go on accutane. What treatments have you tried?

Just know, that what they said is wrong. You have support from all of us.

Emma

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I totally agree with Emma ... does it make others feel big when they make us feel small?

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MN4, I felt so bad for you reading this.. many of us are in the same boat. I have very little, almost no confidence in myself right now. Really hope you feel better soon.

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I can't give you any advice, MN4. Everything I can say would sound hollow. I think we've all been there, the sounds of laughter (for me, it was the sound of silence as the whole room fully registered the extent of the insult someone had dealt me). All I can say is, I guess, "keep your chin high." There is hope. It, after all, dies last. :-k

I'm just disgusted by that. Is this a cultural thing in the UK? It seems like the kids over there are much more.. brutal.

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Hi mate, first off go and see a doctor,you should get free health care in the RAF ... have you tried Roaccutane because it sounds like you have a severe form of acne that needs treating with this. Ask to see a doctor ASAP.

Secondly, Luke Chadwick isn`t ugly because of his acne, he`s ugly because he looks like a rabbit. Acne or no acne.

Thirdly, next time you know that kiwi is taking the piss, tell him straight to f*ck off. If he does it again smack him.... You are right, stop laughing at your own expense... channel all your nervous energy that comes out in stupid sentances and laughter into thought .... remain calm at all times and show no weakness or emotion to those pricks.... Sounds like you have anxiety ... do more exercise, that helps. Once that kiwi has been sorted out the rest will fall into line like domines.... if everyone thinks they can say what they like to you they most probably will....dont let them...

You have no confidence because you are taking a verbal beating all the time...stand up for yourself.....next time kiwi says something, just tell him that his country is full of sheep and he probably misses home cause he doesn`t get to fuck them anymore.... (or something better) good luck

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I am so sorry to hear that. The only reason people have yet to make fun of me is because i've become very anti social and I dont go out alot aside from when I have to. BUT I know for a fact that if they werent talking about your skin, they would find something else to make fun of and they do that because either they lack confidence or theyre just plain ill mannered, rude creeps. Even before I had this problem, I always thought "why must people blatantly make fun of someone else,esp. for something that they have little control of?" Its a terrible world we live in but I know that there are still a few people left who arent so superficial. And be happy that you discovered this board so young. At 19, I am hopeful and inspired by the older (older meaning wise, beautiful, graceful,mature...hehe) individuals that have tried several procedures for their scarring. I have yet to venture on my big scar treatment journey but were still young and are lucky to have found this board now. Always know that people who are judgmental and downright rude do not deserve your time <said by the girl who hates going in public lol> but seriously they dont, and truly genuwine people will love you for you and think you are beautiful, and thats all that matters in the end

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I think you need to visit a doctor pronto to halt your acne breakouts. You should be on accutane. I did not read anything on your post about scarring. Perhaps you will get off lucky and there will be none or only minimal at best. But first thing is go to a doctor and get the acne rectified right now.

I know it must seem insurmountable, but you have to have the courage to be good to yourself. You are obviously very smart. The depth of your self-reflection shows that. You have to learn how to deal effectively with your anxiety.

When you have a negastive thought, you must recognize it, stop it in it's tracks, and replace it with a positive affirmation or thought. Your mind is racing ahead of your speech. You might want to even try a form of simple meditation, to slow down your racing thoughts.

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