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first and foremost, this log is completely non-entertaining, and most likely, void of visuals simply because i dropped my camera...aaannnddd it's mostly for myself to document my progress, and look back to say whoooaa.

i'm about to relay this info, not to get bashed by anyone, but just because i want to share, for any future someone who may anxiously be in a similar situation:

i recently had a v-beam treatment- for those of you who don't know, it's a non-ablative laser designed for treating redness (i.e. post-acne redness). long story short, the settings were increased, leaving me bruised like a mo-fo. i'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel for once, and remember that i will indeed heal soon enough. o, and i intend to get one or two more treatments during my accutane course. some of you may be adamently against this, but i've done extensive research on the matter, and i know of some doctors who perform the v-beam treamtents on people on accutane (though i'm not encouraging anyone). o, and if it's of any further consolation, i was on accutane for like two months some time ago, and had v-beam treatments without an ounce of a problem.

blah i won't go into my life story or anything, mostly because no one gives a hoot quite honestly, so i'll just cut to the chase....first dose will be on monday! woot.

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i'm pumped for tomorrow...let's get this thing going. loaded up on protein today because i know i don't get enough and i'll probably buy some light soymilk soon to make sure of that. my hair took a beating during my last course especially since i consumed so little protein- to my horror i found out hair is made up of like 83% protein. so eep to that. i must must must remember to drink drink drink (water of course).

status: clogged pores, a few whiteheads, and post-acne discoloration. o and the glories of the v-beam bruises. fingers crossed that they heal before the weekend when family comes over.

on my accutane grocery list:

Aquaphor

more Cetaphil wash

deep conditioner

Silk Soymilk

water bottles galore

Vaseline

V8 Fusion

so looking forward to the oil-free heaven of accutane's side effects. doesn't feel too good doing a lot of lifting in the sun and sweating a cry-me-a-river. mm attractive. i miss the easters of childhood. everything seemed sweeter then.

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thanks Tyler for the support. your name is so...quaint, like an ideal american name. :angel:

Day 3

update: well, not much to update! i'm only three days in, and even if small things kick in, i'm not the type to blame accutane for everything. my lips have been dry and my hands have been cracky long before i started (i think my washing is borderline obsessive), so i'm cutting that down.

still need to go accutane grocery shopping! it feels like so much is going on in my life, and yet so little. like all the meat is missing, and substituted with the small scattered bits of chopped vegetables that were supposed to add some flavor. bad metaphor. i had put my life on hold, and now it's time to pick it back up. besides, no one likes to be put on hold. :/

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Day 5

let me see let me see...

nothing monumental has been happening, although i have had a few baby spots come up. but nothing like before, without all the nastiness of pus or inflamation. yum. so i expect that these lovely doves should be flying off soon. i suppose i could be drier than normal, but then again we've had some non-los angeles weather in that it's been freakishly chilly. what gets to me is that my complexion would be quite nice actually if i weren't still bruised from that laser treatment i had before starting. the only conclusion i've come to is that i have the slowest healing rate among mankind, because the physician assitant was dumbfounded when i told her i have some residual bruising left. she said to give it a couple more weeks. gah.

i have a new coping mechanism that is simply brilliant. i call it: singing! iunno i just sing to my heart's delight and like magic i know it's all going to be okay.

currently daydreaming of sundresses and road trips, beaches and lunches, and worry-free days. mm mm mm.

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My favorite part is when they are in the tree as kids...what i would give to have a tree like that...

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something i wanted to document in my log:

quite a few teensy pustules showed up today, with a good number on my forehead. when i go to the derm next week, i'll ask for antibiotics. i'm so terrified of breaking out because it takes an unbelievable amount of time for my fair skin to heal. not like one of those people who can get a zit and have the mark heal within days or weeks. but lucky me...it can take months.

o well, tons of family came over and i laughed myself silly. good times, good times.

btw, Day 6

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o well, tons of family came over and i laughed myself silly. good times, good times.

ahhh, family. they can be an awesome escape mechanism from skin problems haha.

i wish you good luck!

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today was CA-RAZAY! phew. first, i've been experiencing this phenomenal life-altering change. philosophy class has been like a dose of medicine that woke me up from this coma of ignorance, i guess you could say. this may be the most bizarre comment to ever sweep acne.org: but i love what acne has done for me. i don't want to be just another someone who overcomes it and says, phew, i'm glad that's over with, now i can bask in my hott self again. no, i'm going to embrace the luggage that came with acne: understanding, compassion, humility, gentleness, warmth, and my god, everything that makes a person just...worth it.

i could go on and on, but nah.

so i was driving home from class like at ten at night, and right then freak weather hits los angeles. long story short, right before my exit, the car starts slowing down, and the Oh Shit dawns upon me. by some stroke of luck, i make it to the fork between the freeway and the exit's offramp, kinda snuggled between the two with the vibrations of cars flying past, for like, an hour in the rain. but the whole time i think to myself, man this is some view. it really was, to see- no actually feel- life rushing past you forever and ever. the end.

now this will definitely sound weird, but i found myself mildly attracted to the tow-truck driver. no, it's not that i can't get guys, hah, but because this guy had a life i found intriguing. his truck smelled like vegas, which i like even though i don't smoke (or no longer), and he was like someone you could live your life next to (not in a marriage way). why does this remind me of that movie crash, where the narrator says something like we all just want so badly to feel that we crash into each other. so i make no sense.

skin-wise, the mild sprout seems to be simmering down. sszz. more to update tomorrow or day after. ok this is supposed to be more about acne, i know.

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today was CA-RAZAY! phew. first, i've been experiencing this phenomenal life-altering change. philosophy class has been like a dose of medicine that woke me up from this coma of ignorance, i guess you could say. this may be the most bizarre comment to ever sweep acne.org: but i love what acne has done for me. i don't want to be just another someone who overcomes it and says, phew, i'm glad that's over with, now i can bask in my hott self again. no, i'm going to embrace the luggage that came with acne: understanding, compassion, humility, gentleness, warmth, and my god, everything that makes a person just...worth it.

i could go on and on, but nah.

so i was driving home from class like at ten at night, and right then freak weather hits los angeles. long story short, right before my exit, the car starts slowing down, and the Oh Shit dawns upon me. by some stroke of luck, i make it to the fork between the freeway and the exit's offramp, kinda snuggled between the two with the vibrations of cars flying past, for like, an hour in the rain. but the whole time i think to myself, man this is some view. it really was, to see- no actually feel- life rushing past you forever and ever. the end.

now this will definitely sound weird, but i found myself mildly attracted to the tow-truck driver. no, it's not that i can't get guys, hah, but because this guy had a life i found intriguing. his truck smelled like vegas, which i like even though i don't smoke (or no longer), and he was like someone you could live your life next to (not in a marriage way). why does this remind me of that movie crash, where the narrator says something like we all just want so badly to feel that we crash into each other. so i make no sense.

skin-wise, the mild sprout seems to be simmering down. sszz. more to update tomorrow or day after. ok this is supposed to be more about acne, i know.

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ugh, im not looking forward to my first day back after break :(

what school over here do u go to that goes back so early?

Good luck with the whole accutane thing too btw, hopefully being attracted to the towtruck driver isn't a side effect lol

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sorry poor log for not updating but i was at my auntie's helping her move in to her new place...which meant no internet. but back on track!

Day 80 something or rather

i'm constantly afraid of being too optimistic or daring to bear good news, simply because of the infamous, scientific law called "jinksing." yessir. but knock on wood, or this imitation wood veneer known as ikea, there are sunny skies in this forecast of mine.

things to remind myself to be grateful for: the bruises from the laser treatment have faded away, the few passer-by pimples limit themselves to smaller diameters, and red marks not so...red. ha it almost made me smile when i saw myself in that horrid enemy called the rear-view mirror in broad daylight, and i was like wow, i can actually stand to look. ha. the thing was, i remember this exact time last year looking in that mirror (parent's car), while on my first course, thinking aw shit shitty shit shit. please fast-forward. but now, mm i ought to allow myself to feel preety good.

update: few clogged pores. lingering marks are a given. and for some reason my arms have been breaking out with little bumps. wtf. they're much better than how they were last month, but still they weren't a problem before accutane.? holding on to that 'time heals all wounds' deal or my remix 'accutane heals all acne-forms'

more to say but save it for laters...

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heylo skin. why won't you clear all your gunk out already. i'm almost done with month 3, and still, so many clogged pores. like weird bubbly looking things that look like they're trying to clear, but then when they do more come to substitute their beloved absence. um. i am dumbfounded. i was clear at this point during my last course, and strange thing is my skin was waaaaay worse then. then again, i was on a higher dose. good news is no angry actives. note to self: be grateful.

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