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vanillabean

Having your SO understand your problems!

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I've been dealing with acne forever, as it seems, and as a result, have scar and ice pick marks on my forehead. My acne was finally clearing up last May 2007, and then in August I had a flare up and have been dealing with cystic acne ever since. It's about 2-3 at a time, and just one when clears up, I get another. My doctor won't put me on accutane bc it's not severe enough. Been on anti-biotics for years, but have to go off because they were causing yeast infections, etc. Any way...here's the problem. I hate my face. I hate seeing myself in pictures. All I see are the scars, the red marks, the indents, the ice pick marks. Overall, I'm a decent looking person. Many people tell me often - "you're so beautiful..." I don't see it. How can I when all I see are the problems -dry, patchy skin, red marks left from zits, dark spots left, ice picks, etc.

I get depressed bc of this, and know I have low self esteem. It's starting to erode my fiance's confidence in me and my ability to be a strong woman for myself and our family. He of course is very helpful and tells me all the time, "you're so beautiful..." He tells me I'm too critical, and that no one else can see the problems. However, I'm getting married in about one year, and I want to look nice for my pictures because those will be with me forever. Now, when I have pics, all I can see are the problems I mentioned above. My fiance gets frustrated and upset with me to the point where he questions whether he can be with me if I'm so down on myself. He says "if I'm not confident with myself, how can you be a good mother (when that time comes)." (Of course this is not verbatim but you get my point)

I see his point....but seriously, how do you deal with this - when you feel bad about yourself and the way you look, while others don't see it the same way??? Even though I am not happy about myself, I can express that to anyone. It's like the skinny girl who says she's fat. She sees herself as fat, and bugs the crap out of everyone when she complains, yet she is truly dismayed by what she sees in the mirror.

I see the scars and yes they're there!! My facialist has agreed that they're there, it's just the people close to me don't want me to feel bad or something. So any way, I just wanted to vent, but how does everyone else deal with SO's not wanting to hear you complain?

Also - off topic, but how do you handle scaring?

thanks!

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Don't fret, sweetie! Keep your chin up. I know how you feel, totally. I was already married when my acne hit, so my husband was stuck listening to me complain. lol Seriously though, if your fiancee tells you you're so beautiful, believe every word of it! Because you are! I know it's hard for you to listen to somebody else say that your beauty shows through your acne, when the acne is such a curse for you to live with every day. I'm there right now. It makes me self-conscious, and the oil on my face pretty much rules my life and I think about it every minute of every day. My husband and my mom always tell me how beautiful I am, inside and out, and part of me thinks "yeah, I'm beautiful to them because they love me, BUT...."

With your wedding a year away, I would highly recommend trying Accutane. I know you said your derm doesn't think your acne is bad enough. But if no other treatments are working and it's destroying your self esteem and confidence, you might ask one more time. Or have your records transferred to a new derm and see if you get better results. I had to switch dermatologists. I had been seeing an older man nearing retirement and he really didn't want to listen. He just wanted to glance at my skin for 10 seconds, prescribe the "standard" topicals and antibiotics, and send me on my way. After several different medications didn't work, I got frustrated and switched to a new doctor. He tried some other, newer, topicals to use with the antibiotics, that the old doctor had never mentioned. That stuff didn't work either, but after that, the new doctor didn't hesitate to put me on Accutane. I'm currently in week three, so I don't know how my story will end. But it might be worth a try for you! Especially with the wedding coming up.

And as far as your self confidence: Mine has increased dramatically in the short time I've been on Accutane. The oil has disappeared, and even though I'm having an initial breakout (typical of Accutane), my skin overall looks so much better that I feel like I can show my face to the world without worrying about how it looks. It's a feeling I can't describe.

Good luck to you! And let me tell you again....YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! You may not feel beautiful, but your beauty shows through the scars and the blemishes, and your fiancee loves your heart.

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Wouldnt it just be nice if a loved one could really empathise with how you are feeling and truly see how much anxiety it causes and feel your pain.

Maybe Accutane is worth a go - it cleared my up although my skin is very sensitive now. You say its more the scars - does that mean its active acne? or is it the scars?

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I get depressed bc of this, and know I have low self esteem. It's starting to erode my fiance's confidence in me and my ability to be a strong woman for myself and our family. He of course is very helpful and tells me all the time, "you're so beautiful..." He tells me I'm too critical, and that no one else can see the problems. However, I'm getting married in about one year, and I want to look nice for my pictures because those will be with me forever. Now, when I have pics, all I can see are the problems I mentioned above. My fiance gets frustrated and upset with me to the point where he questions whether he can be with me if I'm so down on myself. He says "if I'm not confident with myself, how can you be a good mother (when that time comes)." (Of course this is not verbatim but you get my point)

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Everyone has terrific points for you to consider: switching derms to one who may consider Accutane (if you're scarring, and I mean indented scarring, not red marks, in some dermatologist's eyes, that is just and sufficient cause for prescribing Accutane), trying to understand/realize that you are indeed beautiful.

Another suggestion that I do offer is a relatively good solution for so many people with acne: cognitive behavioral counseling. It is therapy that works on the NOW, the how you are NOW, gives you coping tools and skills to improve your daily life and your self-perception, turn your constant dislike of yourself into focusing on the positives. It is a fact that those who constantly put themselves down begin to change other people's perceptions of them; it IS wearing on those who love you.

With cognitive behavioral therapy, you can learn to STOP those negative feedbacks you constantly give yourself and learn to love, like, and RESPECT yourself. Respecting yourself is SO important in a relationship. You must also be able to teach your children (when you have them), by your own example, to respect themselves. A confident, assertive parent or two makes it more likely to have confident, assertive children who experience fewer troubles. So get started on respecting yourself, loving yourself, and your fiance will be amazed at the happier you, and so will you. The difference is amazing. Astounding. :D Go for it!

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I think only people who have gone through shitty skin can truly understand shitty skin. All others will deep down frown upon it. This applies to other things too, like being fat. Or stinky. Etc

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I think only people who have gone through shitty skin can truly understand shitty skin. All others will deep down frown upon it. This applies to other things too, like being fat. Or stinky. Etc

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Well, what you described at first, with the one after the other cysts coming up is exactly what was happening to me, for a year and a half, and came completely out of nowhere (coincided with starting college aswell which was such a crap start!). Anti-biotics work so well for a while, but like you say have complications.

What I found stopped me from getting cysts was cutting out dairy. No cheese, no milk, no butter, I have chocolate, but in moderation (other day I ate a family sized bar of chocolate to myself, piad for it in less than 2 hours when I felt a cysts appearing so soon!)

It won't help scars, but might stop new ones from coming up

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Accutane is definitely worth a go, like somebody said above. Just keep switching dermatologists until you find one who will prescribe it. But be sure to have your medical records transferred to prove you have tried other treatments that haven't worked.

I say it's worth a go (if you can find a doc to go along with it) because my self esteem and confidence have skyrocketed in the three short weeks I've been on Accutane. I was depressed and had no confidence before, but I had no idea how low it made me feel until the Accutane changed my skin and my outlook. My husband seems to be paying way more attention to me now that the Accutane has kicked in (he doted on me before, but now I'm literally showered with affection 24/7). And I know it doesn't have anything to do with the way it makes my face look. It has everything to do with the way it has changed me inside, the way I feel about myself, and the confidence I'm starting to project because the acne beast is finally being beaten into submission.

So I'll say it again sweetie: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! And keep switching doctors until you find one with enough common sense to know you're a classic case for Accutane.

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Wow - everyone's responses was so amazing. I feel better just hearing the words of encouragement. Thanks to everyone. I may be heeding some of your advice about Accutane. I think I have some time to make that decision and start it. From what I remember it's a 6 month treatment. It would be best to start now. Thanks again for everyone's positive words!!!

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My fiance has a tough time with my self-esteem and body image issues too. Espcially my irriational thoughts caused by BDD and OCD. He has said to me that it is very difficult to get close to a person who seems intent on not being around when they get really down.

however you know what? through everything has stuck by me and i think your fiance will too. I suggest even taking him to a thearpy session with you, watching a podcast or reading a book on body image issues, so you can deal with this as a team while you recover because while your body recovers your mind and how you see yourself will have to take some time as well.

i suggest both a good therapist for your self-esteem and definetely trying a new derm. explain the impact. I also suggest the therpist not because i think you're crazy but because i think in gereral everyone can benefit from one at some point in their lives when things are really hard to deal with. Talking with someone who can help you create strategies to live by and deal with things as they come will make coping as you recover a LOT easier.

*hugs* you WILL get through this, trust me, we are all our worst critics but that will take time to figure out (i'm still trying to understand a compliment) but i think in time we get through to things.

i wish you much luck in your recovery. And definetely a new derm! if you've been on antibiotics so much already you're totally a candiate for tane, esepcially if you scar!

i'm not an expert on scars sadly as i don't scar but my fiance does and for some reason he's actually okay with his bacne scars because "it means its gone, its like a reminder that its goneand its not coming back" thats what i tell him to think of it as, a scar is a remindr of something that once caused pain but that we kicked out for good. its like a trophy if you will, a reminder of what was and what no longer is, its actually a sign of a successful banishment!

however as for the photots, if you start with a new derm now, perhaps they can soften up some of the areas and speed up the healing process.

i used to know a girl who was heavily scared, she looks amazing today. she may have a few here and there but by god i only noticed when she pointed it out.

beauty comes in all forms. and from what i've read it sounds to me like the deepest scars are not the ones outside but the ones inside.

once you start tackling those you are SO READY to kick the ones outsides asses!

*hugs and encouragement*

Christina

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Everyone has terrific points for you to consider: switching derms to one who may consider Accutane (if you're scarring, and I mean indented scarring, not red marks, in some dermatologist's eyes, that is just and sufficient cause for prescribing Accutane), trying to understand/realize that you are indeed beautiful.

Another suggestion that I do offer is a relatively good solution for so many people with acne: cognitive behavioral counseling. It is therapy that works on the NOW, the how you are NOW, gives you coping tools and skills to improve your daily life and your self-perception, turn your constant dislike of yourself into focusing on the positives. It is a fact that those who constantly put themselves down begin to change other people's perceptions of them; it IS wearing on those who love you.

With cognitive behavioral therapy, you can learn to STOP those negative feedbacks you constantly give yourself and learn to love, like, and RESPECT yourself. Respecting yourself is SO important in a relationship. You must also be able to teach your children (when you have them), by your own example, to respect themselves. A confident, assertive parent or two makes it more likely to have confident, assertive children who experience fewer troubles. So get started on respecting yourself, loving yourself, and your fiance will be amazed at the happier you, and so will you. The difference is amazing. Astounding. :D Go for it!

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