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Jaurim540

I'm ashamed.. and i can't have real relationships

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i really wish sometimes that i cud normally go out with the ugys i thought were hot.. but most of the time the farthest ill take it is probably just sex. and then of course i end up confuseing the shit out of them because they dont know why i wont just suck up all my problems and go out with them normally or just 'hang out' but i dont want to be mean.. and say NO. to them flat out but i think i will have to from now on.. because ive learned the hard way that not having the intent on opening up .. really makes it look like im using the other person. but im just not comfortable enough with them to let them into my world. im really ashamed of a lot of things.. A) my skin of course, always have been. B) ive never really been interested in doing things most people like to do.. unless im with someone i think is absolutely hilarious.. then maybe.. B) i am very opinionated and i also dont go along with the crowd.. unless i havvee to.

c) ive always been discontent with my home life and i dont allow anyone to come over

d) because i am uncomfortable letting people into my personal life... it looks like im using my 'friends' when really im trying super hard to not make them think that i dont care about them.

right now what i tend to do is just not try and b anybodys friend.. because no one shud have to go thru figuring out the hard way that i dont have a place for them in my life. in my very sad and isolated life. most of the time i can fake being happy long enough to make some guys really happy.. but then i end up just shying away from them because i cant take it any further.. because im not totally comfortable with who i am.. and how i feel about my skin.. my life.. my outlook on life.. and also cuz ive found no real happiness or hope for myself.

ive never felt content.. because ive always hid myself.. especially over acne. when my skin sarted getting really bad.. i covered it with foundation.. and never let anyone see me without it.. this caused me to become isolated and also very depressed.. i sitll have to do this today. i am highly uncomfrotable with my situation.. as much as i have gotten use to it.. i feel hopeless. i try and make everyhting else outside of that perfect in my life to make up for it.. but it doesnt go away.. and i have scars and i will probably always be covering myself up.. which to me equates with covering up all my feelings of inadequateness as well.

this year i quickly found myself involved with another guy. of course it took weeks for me to even pick up the phone for him or agree to meet his friends and hang out. now, i feel like my best bet is too just stay away from him.. because i know it will b harder to try and convince him that i care but i cant b there all at the same time. then we both get hurt.. but before thats exactly whati was trying to do. this makes me feel 10x more inadequate and makes my depression rise. i just cant seem to get comfortable with life and myself.. and therefore i can never have any kind of real relationship. it isnt about that one guy...because ive met someone years ago that i truly liked. and he likes me.. but after the trip we'd come back from i never picked up his calls or contacted him back. i think im just ashamed of my life.. and i dont thiink i could bare a relationship the way i am. especially because im unhappy living with myself. it makes me think that giving into the sexual aspect of the relaitonship are just ways to make myself hopeful.. but in reality.. if i can never let any of these guys in or become content.. then there is no way i will b able to manage college or have any life for myself.. it'll all just leave me heartbroken and more disturbed from all the loss.

call it self sabotoge call it insecurity.. but for me it is a reality.. and im not sure i will ever get out of it. im not content with my life. i dont know how to be anymore. i know its partly my skin.. but its also the way i grew up.. and the isolation i put myself thru for years

i try and see a psychologist once week. but he does nothing.. and doesnt let me talk. so im fcked.. screwed and everything that goes with it. just seeing or hearing from any guy ive ever 'been with' just reminds me more and more about how i can never b ready for a real relationship

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I suggest taking a break from relationships and people. How can you expect to make someone else happy if you can't make yourself happy? Once me and my ex broke up, two and a half year relationship, I started dating but I never felt comfortable because I always was so self concious and once I stopped dating all together I gradually started feeling more comfortable again. You don't need to be in a relationship just because that's what society expects, be in a relationship because you have met someone you find really interesting, has common interests, and is willing to accept you for who you are inside not just what lies on the surface.

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Seems pretty clear to me from reading your post that you need to focus on taking care of yourself. Forget about the guys for awhile ..... put yourself first. That's how you manage college, and that's how you begin to change your life.

Go to college. Work your butt off. Get a good job. Confidence and pride in yourself will come along with your achievements. Friends will come along with your activities. You'll have all the time in the world for guys, when you are ready ...... and obviously you're just not ready right now.

But you will be. You have to keep believing that, and making yourself work toward it.

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thank u guys so much for actually responding..

i def hear u on taking the time for myself.. but i also feel overwhelmed with all the time i have to endure alone beforei do become comfortable with myself.. and i feel like things will never turn aorund.. and ill never b comfortable with myself.. and continue living in this hell.

i wish i cud b done with college already or even high school for that matter but it just all seems like so much time to wait just to feel 'okay'.

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i have a different opinion...although i agree you should give yourself attention, i also think you should try reaching out to someone at the same time. just one person. make a new friend (man or woman), but do it differently than how you normally would, meaning, don't just think about sex and don't expect this person to charm your pants off, just give your best effort to be friends with this person and connect where ever you can. don't judge whether this person is fit to be a good friend and just give your all to helping this friend and sacrifice a lot, even if he/she doesn't reciprocate. remember, do it differently than how you normally do (esp if it hasn't been working for you in the past). treat it almost as a project, no alterior motive or anything like that, but sort of like an experiment, and see what this does for you.

i suffer from depression too, and i am sometimes a loner....sometimes a painful loner, not the creepy kind because i am very social and light-hearted, but the kind that is always alone in his mind. i have learned to accept being a loner, in fact, some of the most remarkable people in history are loners e.g. einstein, murakami, and john lennon. it doesn't mean you are an evil person. my point is you can be a loner and still connect with people. it's just harder for people like us.

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i have a different opinion...although i agree you should give yourself attention, i also think you should try reaching out to someone at the same time. just one person. make a new friend (man or woman), but do it differently than how you normally would, meaning, don't just think about sex and don't expect this person to charm your pants off, just give your best effort to be friends with this person and connect where ever you can. don't judge whether this person is fit to be a good friend and just give your all to helping this friend and sacrifice a lot, even if he/she doesn't reciprocate. remember, do it differently than how you normally do (esp if it hasn't been working for you in the past). treat it almost as a project, no alterior motive or anything like that, but sort of like an experiment, and see what this does for you.

i suffer from depression too, and i am sometimes a loner....sometimes a painful loner, not the creepy kind because i am very social and light-hearted, but the kind that is always alone in his mind. i have learned to accept being a loner, in fact, some of the most remarkable people in history are loners e.g. einstein, murakami, and john lennon. it doesn't mean you are an evil person. my point is you can be a loner and still connect with people. it's just harder for people like us.

its funny cuz las6 night my psychologist was telling me how i was reaching out subconciously to my mom and siblings.. but found no connection. and how im distancing myself into a sad isolated world. i actually cried at one point.

i think i want to reach out.. im just so scared that ill put myself in a position to be friends with someone i dont truly like or.... they will see my scars* which is worse! even tho everyone says the scars arent so bad.. TO b they r very bad.. and embarassing.

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I understand exactly how you feel ssips. Some good advice has been given to you here, and life is really challenging. I felt much the same way you have and it comforted me to read that there are others out there who feel like I do. I don't really have any advice per say, just do your best with each day as it comes. You are beautiful.

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