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cavillor

I want to sleep for the next five years

Fuck it fuck it fuck it. (I'm typing this with a smile, sort of.) Just gorged myself on bad, bad food. For those few moments I didn't give a tin shit. Note that all the food I gorged myself on is SO much healthier than that which the average American eats. To the average American, "gorging" would imply licking the cake pan clean, or a massive steak dinner (the steak of course cooked in gluten-containing sauce with dairy-rich mashed potatoes on the side), or a whole fucking bucket of ice cream.

To me, it means that I ate a bar of dark (71%, I would have preferred 85 but I took what I could get) chocolate, and a bunch of shrimp (terrible because of the iodine), and a banana, and some rice bread. And now I'm stuffed, and it is SUCH a nice change from feeling famished all the time.

Let me tell you what happened with the chocolate. I saw the wrapped bar on my floor. I picked it up. Opened it, barely thinking. Starting smelling it. Rubbing it on my lips, smelling it. It was fucking impossible to think. I swear, this was me acting instinctually, subconsciously, whatever. And then suddenly my jaw ratcheted open and I chomped off about a third of that damn bar and my mouth was producing more saliva than it had all day and I was chomp chomp chomping and chocolate was in my mouth and on my tongue and down my throat and oh God at that moment my sinuses cleared (I shit you not, the phlegm was suddenly gone) and I was grinning and I felt GOOD!

Now I feel on the edge of a fucking breakdown. Oh God. I sabotaged myself. Not-so-subtle self-destruction. The thoughts are always there and just as I'm clearing up I drag myself back down into the fucking pit of ugliness. Oh I hate myself. So much. I hate myself. I /hate/ myself. Loathing. Hatred. Suicide's not an option because I don't believe in other lives, and honestly this is just ridiculous to begin with.

HMMMMM ... maybe the Authorities are right about my bipolarity. If I were diagnosing myself, I would say: "Severe depression (or so the questionnaire I took in the doctor's office would qualify me, and I wish I hadn't told the truth, because now I'll never get Accutane), body and facial dysmorphia, bipolar disorder. To the fucking institution with him, laddy!"

I need a joint and a lie-down. And then some sex. Someone who will accept me even pimply. Actually I don't deserve that and thinking about it makes me antsy. I don't want someone touching me and looking at me, because I'm disgusting.

God I want to be three years older and clear without trying. Or I just want to be like the NINETY-NINE DAMN PERCENT of my peers (okay, more like 85, I did the math based on my school at one point) who don't have to try AT ALL but still get one or two zits at a time AT MOST (and often are CLEAR).

I hate those fuckers.

Yeeeeeaaah ... neeeed a lift. By which I mean I need some sort of substance to abuse so I can forget myself. (And of course break out again ...)

Well, maybe tomorrow won't hold any surprises. Maybe it's just gluten and peanuts. Maybe iodine and sugar are safe. Maybe all the damn citrus fruit I eat is poisoning me so it's moot what else I can eat. etc. I see a dermatologist on my birthday, the 21st, MLK Day. I'm turning 17. "Light at the end of the tunnel" -- yes I know it's there. But fuck off and don't bring it up because looking past the present is a mental feat that, no matter how hard I try, I can only rarely accomplish. Fatalism wins the day and I don't despair because I don't care.

Please God, pretend you exist long enough to grant me that imploration ... clear me. Make me immune to acne. Or make me sleep for the next four years and one day, so that I'll awaken 21 years old, clear, and able to drink and laugh and drive and eat whatever the hell I want.

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What you eat doesn't cause acne only if you have allergies stop feeling bad and go to the docs and find out what you are allergic to(probably nothing), your probably stressing yourself for no reason.

Dark choc is actually good for you I just ate half of a choc packet too of 75% cocoa dark choc, shrimp isn't bad for you at all. Banana is good too? I'm confused lol I eat a banana a day as well. Rice bread? not sure what that is but I always eat bread too, relax and enjoy food. It's yummy :)

You know they also say stress causes acne it's proably the stress of you stressing about what to eat and feeling bad is what is causing you to breakout. You worry constantly about what you're eating.

maybe if your post said 5 bigmac's a load of chips and a few choc bars then you have every right to feel bad. But come on lol what you ate is nothing.

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