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I freaked in my head, I was like omg what the hell do I say, he's a guy from work, he's really nice, but not my type, it was flattering, at least its nice to know guys like me, even when I don't like myself. But I told him I'm already seeing someone :rolleyes: I felt HORRIBLE, I know how sometimes guys get nervous and get scared about asking someone out so who knows how long he was waiting to ask me out, and I shot him down. Now I'm wondering how I'm going to go back to work everyday and see him, that is what really bugs me.

Its so frustrating cause I get comments a lot about how good looking I am and how nice and charming I am and it to some degree it helps with my confidence..etc but to me I just don't get it. I mean my acne has cleared up a lot since last fall, all I have is red marks and honestly I don't think its really even noticable but they make me feel so ugly and even before my acne turned bad a year and half ago, I never had good self esteem. Its sad cause I have people who like me and I just can't act on it. I'm 22 and never had a boyfriend, I have no friends, I'm at the point in my life where I just can't deal with living in a shell anymore, I'm afraid If I don't do SOMETHING now I will be like 40 still living at home with no life and no friends or any kind of relationship.

I've been thinking of therapy cause I think that's the only thing that will help but I can't afford anything like that and I don't know who to see even If I could. I just want to know that I can stop having anxiety every time someone talks to me. I posted here a while ago about something else and I mention how now whenever I talk to someone my face turns red I can't help it, I never had that problem before now its getting to the point its embarrassing and my nervousness about talking to people is painful sometimes. I just want it to stop. I want to live a normal carefree life. :cry:

Has anyone seen a professional, what happen?

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Yo, I don't want to make it seem like I understand your situation exactly, but if I was you, i'd march right back in there tomorrow and tell that guy that you WILL go out with him(i dunno what your gonna say about the "already seeing someone" part though). Someone just gave you a chance to pull yourself out of the hole of misery and you didn't jump on it! If someone gave me a chance like that i'd probably be brought to tears I was so happy.

I'm basically in the same spot as you, no friends, don't do anything fun with anyone, and it eats me up inside every day. And yeah, hate to say it, but unless hes Captain Fucking America it probably really hurt that dude to be rejected like that, cus it does take some courage and he probably was thinking about it for a while.

:(

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Yo, I don't want to make it seem like I understand your situation exactly, but if I was you, i'd march right back in there tomorrow and tell that guy that you WILL go out with him

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I think a big part of therapy being successful is your willingness to work with it. I'm a guarded and shy person and I don't know how successful it would be for me either if I couldn't open up. Plus, it is expensive. It could be completely worth it for you though if you feel ready to tackle your social anxieties.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I can relate to you a bit. I'm older than you, never been in a relationship and have only a few friends, several of them far away.

For me it is a combo of low esteem, shyness, and a fear of being vulnerable that keeps me back I think. When guys ask me out, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by their attention and nervous that they won't like me once they get to know me. My shyness has gotten a lot better over the past few years, and I am not nearly as frightened as I used to be of new people. Part of it is will power and the conscious decision to force myself to do things that I used to avoid out of shyness. Changing your state of mind can do wonders.

I also had to remind myself that I am worth having as a friend. Even with your faults, you have many qualities that people like. Every time you think in your head of some negative quality you have, stop, give yourself a reality check, and counter it with something positive about yourself. I'll say "I have awful skin, I look so ugly without makeup"....but now I'll also think "I also have pretty eyes and a naturally slim figure many women would envy". So that helps, it really does. It puts things in perspective.

You probably shouldn't have lied to that guy, but if you didn't find him attractive then it's better to be truthful than to just lead him on cuz you are lonely. You're not mean for turning him down. It actually shows that you are a kind & considerate person because you are worried about hurting other's feelings. So you don't need to feel embarrassed about seeing him at work. Walk into work like nothing has happened. That is a good way to make him feel better in case he is embarrassed too. If you are worried that your lie will be found out, then if it comes up again from a co-worker, simply say that person you were seeing didn't work out.

It's also a good thing that you do value yourself enough to know that you should be with someone who suits you and that you don't simply take anyone out of desperation. Be careful that you are not running away because of fear of getting close to people though.

I hope things get better for you. You're capable of pulling yourself out of this rut and forming relationships, so keep trying :)

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InRepair~The name of your post caught my eye earlier tonight and as I watched some tv, chatted with my daughter, did all my nightly routine things, your post kind of stuck with me as I formulated what I wanted to say to you. I can get a bit wordy, heck I’m a mom lol, so please stick with this until the end.

I love how Siouxsie had so many great comments coming from the heart with so many great things for you to think about. As the posts keep coming in, and as you continue to chat with other people on this wonderful website, hopefully you will see not only aren’t you alone in your feelings, but you will also find ways to dig down deep into yourself and find out what makes “InRepair†happy as a person… not a person with skin issues.

I’m coming from a very different place than you. I’m much older at 52, have grown kids, a great husband, and I hope I can let you take a little peak into years ahead of you if you don’t begin to give yourself that little nudge to really get out there, learn who you are, and enjoy life, with or without acne.

Yes, it was very flattering that person from work asked you out on a date. Yes, he probably was getting up his courage for awhile. Yes, he probably did feel bad, however, you said he wasn’t your type and you aren’t very well supposed to flat out tell him you don’t like his type. You tried not to make him feel bad, and don’t blame yourself for that. The thing is, do you know him enough to know he isn’t your type? Did you not really want to go out with him because of the whole work thing, he’s not your type, you don’t want to even give it a chance bc you already KNOW he’s not what you’re looking for? Or, and this is the real question, did you say no because you were fearful of saying yes? No matter what your answer is, and you just have to think about it not tell me, you will have to see him at work. Yes it will be awkward for a little bit. BUT, it might also give you the opportunity to get to know him better because you now have the knowledge that he thought enough of you TO ask you out! That’s always a good thing if you KNOW someone wants to give you a shot. Right there is a great confidence booster, and that might make you feel more comfortable chatting with him once you get over the awkwardness of the situation.

The next thing I want to say is people don’t define you by your skin. Just the same way people don’t define you by your skin color, your skin is only a very small percentage of what people notice about you. Sure there are those superficial beings who you wouldn’t even want as friends, but the majority of people don’t give a thought about it. And it certainly doesn’t bother them like it bothers you. What aspects define you more importantly than your skin would be personality, spirit, attitude. They see your eyes shining bright with enthusiasm for a project you’re doing well. They see your beaming smile and sunny ‘heys’ as you greet them in the morning. They remember your kind words when you ask ‘how are you today?’ This guy probably couldn’t even tell you are as self conscious as you are about your skin. He certainly felt you were a person he would like to spend more time with. He was complimenting you as a person.

You mentioned your red marks make you feel ugly, even though you don’t have skin as bad as it was before. Think about it for a minute though if you will. Look at a person say walking down the mall… you don’t see their skin or red marks (thank goodness for makeup!!) you see the entire package! You said you have low self esteem but you also said something important. You recognize that you are no longer willing to sit back and live in a shell anymore just waiting for life to begin. Recognizing this aspect of yourself is the first step towards you actually doing something about it. I can tell you there were MANY times I’ve turned down people and doing things bc my skin looked like crap. Even though you tell yourself you are happier you didn’t go, really you aren’t, and you wish you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself because it’s not your fault.

So STICK with that feeling that you WON’T continue to stay in your shell and begin to do what Siouxsie suggested: “…Part of it is will power and the conscious decision to force myself to do things that I used to avoid out of shyness. Changing your state of mind can do wonders.†Just take that tiny step. You just make up your mind the night before to try something you never would do but wanted to do. No matter how many people call you good looking or ask you out, until you are happy about yourself, you won’t be able to share that wonderful person you are with anyone else because you will continue to be too self conscious to be with a person. That’s why taking that first step will be so worth it.

Also remember this… sometimes another person or some friends around you actually HELP you see things differently. Friends and relationships have a great way of allowing you to listen to their problems while sharing your thoughts. Plus, friends are not as hard on you as you are on yourself. So if you want to talk to that guy at work as friends, since you already know he was interested in you, you could take the next step, ask him out for coffee, and just tell him you would like to take him up on his offer if it still stands, IF you want to. YOU could invite out a friend you are comfortable with. You’re right about not wanting to hang around waiting for friends and relationships to happen until you’re 40. You are right to feel you need to get out of your shell now. You’re young. Time goes by. Time doesn’t wait for anyone. As hard as it is to do, pick yourself up, smile, face the day, and remember no one thinks about your skin the same way you do. People only know the person you show to them. They truly think about your personality – you as a person. And while you are taking little steps towards becoming the person you want to be, since you said you can’t afford seeing a professional, read some books or articles about low self esteem. It’s so prevalent in today’s youth because of how we view beauty.

Here’s a Souza quote to give you a little nudge: “For a long time, it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.†And on this journey you decided to embark upon by not staying in your shell alone, you will see a happier InRepair. And hopefully, you will really believe you are not what you look like, but who you are inside. Good luck!

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what siouxsie said is so true..... you have to be ready and willing to open up - to date, to seek therapy, to move forward in life - but do take the time to realize who you are, who you want to be, and what you need to do to get there. it's all up to you.

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I freaked in my head, I was like omg what the hell do I say, he's a guy from work, he's really nice, but not my type, it was flattering, at least its nice to know guys like me, even when I don't like myself. But I told him I'm already seeing someone :rolleyes: I felt HORRIBLE, I know how sometimes guys get nervous and get scared about asking someone out so who knows how long he was waiting to ask me out, and I shot him down. Now I'm wondering how I'm going to go back to work everyday and see him, that is what really bugs me.

Its so frustrating cause I get comments a lot about how good looking I am and how nice and charming I am and it to some degree it helps with my confidence..etc but to me I just don't get it. I mean my acne has cleared up a lot since last fall, all I have is red marks and honestly I don't think its really even noticable but they make me feel so ugly and even before my acne turned bad a year and half ago, I never had good self esteem. Its sad cause I have people who like me and I just can't act on it. I'm 22 and never had a boyfriend, I have no friends, I'm at the point in my life where I just can't deal with living in a shell anymore, I'm afraid If I don't do SOMETHING now I will be like 40 still living at home with no life and no friends or any kind of relationship.

I've been thinking of therapy cause I think that's the only thing that will help but I can't afford anything like that and I don't know who to see even If I could. I just want to know that I can stop having anxiety every time someone talks to me. I posted here a while ago about something else and I mention how now whenever I talk to someone my face turns red I can't help it, I never had that problem before now its getting to the point its embarrassing and my nervousness about talking to people is painful sometimes. I just want it to stop. I want to live a normal carefree life. :cry:

Has anyone seen a professional, what happen?

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You turned him down? What did you do that for? Believe it or not, sometimes "not your type" is just what the Doctor ordered. My sister turned her husband down 8 times before she agreed to go out and now they are married and love each other very much. Hey, if a guy is going to take rejection 8 times and still ask again he's at least persistant.

You don't need therapy, you just need to give it a go. Too many people over-analyze themselves, you aren't messed up, you just lack some self confidence. Don't think, just do... you should go talk to the guy again and tell him you'd like to go on a date with him and see what he says. Nice guys are the hardest to find, and if you wait around he might be taken by someone else. If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't, but at least you can say you tried it!

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^ I agree. If we get into the mindset of "not my type" we will often miss out. Because sometimes your "type" is not what you think. And people who limit themselves only to "their type" often can find themselves repeating negative patterns, and dating the same kinds of people over and over again that do not fulfill what they are looking for.

My philosophy on dating is...be as open as possible when it comes to meeting new people. If someone is interested in me, most of the time I will give them a chance (unless I just REALLY see a problem). Often times I will talk to them on the phone first, and if we make it past 2 conversations I will see them. But people at work...if a guy from work asked me out and I knew he was a nice guy, well (the bad stuff with office romances aside) I'd give him a chance. You never know with this stuff...

Oh...if you feel like your fears are controlling your life and keeping you from doing what you want to do, or if you lack self esteem and can't seem to get it no matter what you do, by all means look into counseling. It's very good stuff and has helped me a lot in my life. But maybe you just need to be brave and face your fears, take that first step...and that will help you get over it.

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It's good to give people a chance, but it's also okay to not be attracted to someone and to not feel bad about turning people down sometimes. It can be more mean to lead someone on in many situations. Dating someone you work with can be bad if it turns sour too.

I agree not to get hung up on "types", but you can't ignore your own feelings either.

If she turned him down because of her fear, then that is not good; but if she genuinely is not interested in him romantically, then she did the right thing.

InRepair, you may consider going out with guys you are not initially attracted to right now, because since you have not had a lot of dating experience, you may not even know what you really want yet. The bit of dating I have done has opened my eyes as to what is actually important to me. You'll also feel less nervous the more you do it, like anything else.

If you get any bad vibe or simply are not interested in someone, don't feel guilty though.

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It's good to give people a chance, but it's also okay to not be attracted to someone and to not feel bad about turning people down sometimes. It can be more mean to lead someone on in many situations. Dating someone you work with can be bad if it turns sour too.

I agree not to get hung up on "types", but you can't ignore your own feelings either.

If she turned him down because of her fear, then that is not good; but if she genuinely is not interested in him romantically, then she did the right thing.

InRepair, you may consider going out with guys you are not initially attracted to right now, because since you have not had a lot of dating experience, you may not even know what you really want yet. The bit of dating I have done has opened my eyes as to what is actually important to me. You'll also feel less nervous the more you do it, like anything else.

If you get any bad vibe or simply are not interested in someone, don't feel guilty though.

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Thanks everyone for the great advice espically JustaMomToo and Siouxsie.

I should have meantion HOW he asked me which I didn't think to add in my post but I think that might make sense to this whole situation.

The fact that he asked me out isn't what freaked me out in the first place(though it did really catch me off guard), cause I've been on dates before its not a big deal, but I actually didn't mention HOW he asked me out, maybe that will explain why I was taken back. He came up to me and he was like can I ask you a question, I'm like sure, he goes would you like to do something with me, I go well it depends, then we both started to laugh, he goes how about doing something about my place? He's like a movie or something? (at least that is what he said)

Now I guess my conservative side comes out on this one or just plain using my head I dunno but I would NEVER go to someone's place that I don't know ESPECIALLY a guy. I don't even know his last name...you think I'm going to go to his place? I'm sorry no, if he asked me hey I was just wondering if you wanted to come hang out with me and my friends OR even if he just said something other then going to his place, I would have been more open.

That's why I got uncomfortable. He is nice, I wouldn't mind being friends, I'm sure I'll talk to him again more once I get comfortable, but with the kind of place I work at, you just don't know about the people who work there. There are guys I stay away from in that place cause I just get those feelings about some of them most are very nice and cool but I've learned after 2 years who is it I can be around and who I can't be. Its not that I get any bad feelings about him, but I just didn't like how he asked me.

But I did handle the situation in a wrong way and I feel bad for it, that's why I lied I didn't know how to answer him so I answered him in the safest way just lie and say I already have a boyfriend.

To be honest this whole thing really has got me thinking how I need to start changing things in my life now before I hurt anyone else or myself. I think there is a lot of things I never thought of before till now and this whole thing has open my eyes.

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Yo, I don't want to make it seem like I understand your situation exactly, but if I was you, i'd march right back in there tomorrow and tell that guy that you WILL go out with him

I can't do that, yeah it would be nice to have a boyfriend but I'm not ready, I can't be with someone if I'm messed up myself, I have to many issues I need to deal with and I'm not putting them on anyone else, If I'm not comfortable with myself I can't be with anyone.

I'm sure he feels bad but I feel just as bad, I mean seriously you have no idea how bad I feel right now and this isn't the first time I've shot someone down, I'm tired of this but I can't deal with the idea of someone getting close to me, I just can't, its why I wanna deal with it but I don't know how.

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Thanks everyone for the great advice espically JustaMomToo and Siouxsie.

I should have meantion HOW he asked me which I didn't think to add in my post but I think that might make sense to this whole situation.

The fact that he asked me out isn't what freaked me out in the first place(though it did really catch me off guard), cause I've been on dates before its not a big deal, but I actually didn't mention HOW he asked me out, maybe that will explain why I was taken back. He came up to me and he was like can I ask you a question, I'm like sure, he goes would you like to do something with me, I go well it depends, then we both started to laugh, he goes how about doing something about my place? He's like a movie or something? (at least that is what he said)

Now I guess my conservative side comes out on this one or just plain using my head I dunno but I would NEVER go to someone's place that I don't know ESPECIALLY a guy. I don't even know his last name...you think I'm going to go to his place? I'm sorry no, if he asked me hey I was just wondering if you wanted to come hang out with me and my friends OR even if he just said something other then going to his place, I would have been more open.

That's why I got uncomfortable. He is nice, I wouldn't mind being friends, I'm sure I'll talk to him again more once I get comfortable, but with the kind of place I work at, you just don't know about the people who work there. There are guys I stay away from in that place cause I just get those feelings about some of them most are very nice and cool but I've learned after 2 years who is it I can be around and who I can't be. Its not that I get any bad feelings about him, but I just didn't like how he asked me.

But I did handle the situation in a wrong way and I feel bad for it, that's why I lied I didn't know how to answer him so I answered him in the safest way just lie and say I already have a boyfriend.

To be honest this whole thing really has got me thinking how I need to start changing things in my life now before I hurt anyone else or myself. I think there is a lot of things I never thought of before till now and this whole thing has open my eyes.

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InRepair~ "I should have meantion HOW he asked me which I didn't think to add in my post but I think that might make sense to this whole situation.

The fact that he asked me out isn't what freaked me out in the first place(though it did really catch me off guard), cause I've been on dates before its not a big deal, but I actually didn't mention HOW he asked me out, maybe that will explain why I was taken back. He came up to me and he was like can I ask you a question, I'm like sure, he goes would you like to do something with me, I go well it depends, then we both started to laugh, he goes how about doing something about my place? He's like a movie or something? (at least that is what he said)"

lol omg - SO glad you clarified HOW he asked you out and WHAT he said because now you showed exactly how you were caught totally off guard with what he said lol. Since you said there are guys around there that you are careful around, even though lying is not the right thing to do, if he's creepy like that, now he thinks you have a boyfriend and won't bother you anymore. The other thing that caught my attention was the fact even after you said "...he goes would you like to do something with me, I go well it depends, then we both started to laugh, " he continued to ask you to his place! yikes!

See, that's this wonderful thing about 'gut instinct.' TV shows, news articles, practically every time you get online, is the warning you simply don't go back to people's places unless you know them. If he is low on funds and that was his reasoning for mentioning a movie or something, I think going to a coffee place would have been equally inexpensive and not placed you in an uncomfortable position. I would DIE if my daughter said yes to that! :excl: So, I'm gonna go with... you can get to know him if YOU want to get to know him and if YOU don't want to, that's your prerogative... but that would creep me out if I were asked out that way. Inexpensive dates are not the problem at all, the very secluded place when you don't know someone is.

Next up, after reading alllll these great posts, you said you see you have to make some changes - voila! See, that's what I was trying to get across to you about how friends and different people in your life HELP you to see things differently. Sometimes you feel like you're :wall: because you just can't move forward. Friends, family, intimate relationships help you to see what others see in you, then you gradually begin to understand why you ARE a person who shouldn't be in her shell. There are a lot of people out there who have tried befriending or dating you, and you are the one who has turned that all down. Maybe after doing a little self-realization, you will begin to open up to people, a little at a time.

Continue with your gut instincts on guys, but if there is someone you want to date/hang out with/see, if they suggest a place you find unsuitable, you can come up with an alternate place remember. What I worry about though is they should really understand being in an alone spot is not a good thing for first dates. Unless they just have no clue whatsoever that you would fear that, maybe because they are naive, I would wonder about their intentions as well.

Now I'm going to leave you with a couple of little quotes obtained from The Pursuit of Happiness. I think it helps to realize other people struggle with making themselves DO what they fear or what they are uncomfortable with in the search of helping themselves to break out of that shell:

"Attitude is essential to happiness. To quote Abe Lincoln, “most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.†Indeed psychologists and philosophers agree that happiness is primarily a state of mind or mental attitude. In other words just deciding to be a happy person contributes to your overall happiness.

Mary Lou Retton, Olympic gymnastic star and author of Gateways to Happiness notes that “Keeping things in perspective means looking at our lives on a grand scale and reminding ourselves that today’s problems are but a single, tiny bump on the

vast, winding road of life. Each of our lives is like an epic novel with dozens of different chapters and story lines."

And to be totally corny, good luck moving forward to your next chapter, doing the things you have always wanted to do, but feared. And remember, you are only a post away from having lots of people on acne.org help give you a little nudge if you need it. But I have a feeling after doing some soul searching these past few days, you already have gained some good insight into taking that little step.

As always, good luck!

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