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Kairasa

Reflections of an overtaxed mind.

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I woke up, went back to sleep, woke up again, took a shower, and began the day. Everything was fine until 15 mintues ago, when I royally messed up, and everything went to hell.

Oh, and this doesn't have much to do with acne, although I think the reason I act this way can be attributed, somewhere down the line, to the oh so lovely fading red marks on my visage.

So after this rather short, yet seemingly long incident, I question myself. Really question myself, my nature. Who I am.

Sure, I'm 18, and I'm just beginning to explore not only myself, but the world...but I can't help but feel that my personality, my deepest self, has already been determined. In fact, I believe in the psychological theory revolving around your 'self' being developed at a young age. Just as many things are either planted or lost forever, that critical period is one in which your personality develops. Now I am a believer in free will and life playing a hand in your later development, but that early age is one in which a lot is predetermined.

What does this have to do with the predicament I am currently in? Well, loads. To sum it up, I was doing my 'nightly routine', in which I wash my face, apply a bit of duac, and evaluate myself, in general actually, clad in underwear and bra. For any imperfection, on my slight 110 lbs frame and all. So as I was doing this, I noticed my eyebrows, and began rummaging around, trying to find tweezers. Finally succeeding, I began plucking the stray hairs, becoming more and more frustrated, because not only were they really old and metal, but they sucked at getting the hair, and I more than once pinched that oh so sensitive skin. Eventually, my frustration continued, and grew. Everything I have been feeling, the anxiety over my face, the lack of somebody I care about, missing my university friends (i'm currently on christmas vacation), and the lack of a much needed job just culminated into one massive fit...aimed at my mom.

And get this, the fit was over a defective pair of tweezers. And she simply exploded, screaming at me, for a good 3-4 minutes. And my mom and I, we just aren't like that. We've had a fair many fights in the thick of the teenage years, especaially in the 13-14 year range, but since my mamaw died freshman year, we've become closer. My dad...well let's just say he's an alchoholic and leave it at that. She called me a lot of horrible things, and I range into my room, slamming the door. Real mature, I know.

Not two minutes later, she returns, only to throw another pair of tweezers at me, cutting my hand(accidentally), and going to the master bath to get ready for bed.

Meanwhile, I am left on my bed, staring at the now bleeding cut, almost glad for the pain. I feel like I deserve it, and that disturbs me more than I care to realize. Quickly wiping the small amount of blood away, I sit, staring at my teen vogue beside me, questioning myself. What kind of horrible person am I, who acts like a bitch over something so stupid? Am I the almost 19 year old woman I want to be? The aspiring forensic anthropologist who wants to travel the world and be an ambassador? To help identify those assumed to be lost, the victims of wars past, genocides, and current atrocities? I like to think of myself as an intelligent, strong, confident person, but when I act like this, and make my own mother cry, what the hell am I showing the world?

And now she's back, almost in tears, telling me she's sorry, and that she just feels so angry when I "pitch a fit" over something so trivial. That she just finished christmas shopping, and how much she wishes she could buy me all the things she knows I would want in the store, but obviously can't, and I...I feel even more horrible.

Of course, by this point, tears are streaming down my face and I inwardly question myself even more, eventually voicing my concerns, only to be met with a mother who assures me I am not that horrible person, but I have my moments, such as the aforementioned incident.

Her admission should put me at ease, but it does not.

...I have been having so much self-doubt lately, which I assume comes with the big life changes I've had recently. And while I don't want to blame other people for my own problems, I never hear an encouraging thought from anyone. When I tell others of my studies, they throw a questioning glance my direction, and a confused, sometimes kind, smile. Just because I was 'the scholar' through the years, the one who was going to become the surgeon...or the ballerina, according to my seven year old self...doesn't mean what I am doing now is any less of an accomplishment. God knows I'll be in school for the next 7 years, and just because you don't know what anthropology is, doesn't mean what I'm doing is wasting my intelligence. If anything, I am challening my mind, every single freaking day.

I really am sorry for this rant, I just felt like I needed a place to share my feelings. Lately, I've developed a friendship with a wonderful guy, and we've started to take those first steps toward a relationship, but I have to admit, my heart hurts, because I miss having someone to hold me, and kiss my tears away.

Maybe I should just go to bed, tomorrow is a new day after all.

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I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. I'm afraid I have nothing particularly profound, insightful, or helpful to say, except that its important to keep in mind that making mistakes does not make you a bad person. Everyone says and does things that they regret, flies off the handle, gets upset and takes it out on the wrong person/thing (my coworkers are still giving me sideways glances over the incident two weeks ago where I threw a bread bowl across the kitchen when someone asked me why we were out of soup...that doesn't sound like much I realize but that sucker really flew and then when it hit the wall it practically exploded), but the person you are in those moments isn't really you, its just the anger getting the best of you for a little while.

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I'm also at a crossroads. You just have to really think about what you wanna do for the rest of your life, based on your inner strengths.

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I dont know whether it was how you worded it or what, but I felt that was a very melodramatic post. I honestly dont mean to be cruel but take a step back, look how egocentric that was - you had a fight with your mother and are suddenly questioning everything about your life? You have a career at your feet, a relationship blossoming, you even patched things up with your mum! You're on your way. I dont think your overtaxed at all, I think you have a little too much time on your hands and your destroying yourself by become neurotic about things. Go get that part time job and get a loan off a friend in the meantime and buy that present.

Have a merry Christmas! :dance:

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I think it was a compliment, it was well written :D

Even better, you acknowledged you were over being a melodramatic teenager at the end of your post. You had the intelligence to know that tommorow things would improve with reflection, which is exactly what happened right? Perfectionism isn't always a bad thing either! Thank the lord your not a careless slob ;)

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So after this rather short, yet seemingly long incident, I question myself. Really question myself, my nature. Who I am.

Sure, I'm 18, and I'm just beginning to explore not only myself, but the world...but I can't help but feel that my personality, my deepest self, has already been determined. In fact, I believe in the psychological theory revolving around your 'self' being developed at a young age. Just as many things are either planted or lost forever, that critical period is one in which your personality develops. Now I am a believer in free will and life playing a hand in your later development, but that early age is one in which a lot is predetermined.

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18 is a pivotal age and one in which we are rarely prepared for the role that we find ourselves thrust into on that fateful day. Keep talking, that's okay, that is what we are here for!

And I'd like it, especially, if you continued to write on "this message board." I don't think it'd be squandered at all, you write bueatifully!

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Do not squander your ability with the written word on this message board.

Hmmmm....perhaps that was a compliment?

Anyways, taking a second glance at my message after a night of sleep and a shower(where copious amounts of reflection go on), I find that yes, I was a bit melodramatic.

I like to think that I'm over being a melodramatic teenager, but apparently not.

Thank you, anyone who actually took the time to read it, I think I need to be a little less neurotic. I swear, my perfectionism extends into every facet of my life, face included.

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